


A Lost Generation

by fionnabhair



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 17:09:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 95,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7582687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fionnabhair/pseuds/fionnabhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The title comes from Sir Edward Grey's (British Foreign Secretary) comment on the eve of the First World War</p><p>"The lamps are going out all over Europe; we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime."</p><p>August 3, 1914</p><p>PhoenixSong.net :: A Harry/Ginny Fanfic and Fanart Archive :: Fanfiction</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans yanked on her trolley in an attempt to get it to stop. Having screwed up her eyes and run as fast as she possibly could against the barrier, she was now careening across platform nine and three-quarters. It took a huge effort for her to bring it to a stop and when she peered across her trolley she realised she had nearly hit someone. She smiled nervously and made her way around to apologise to the boy whose trunk she had jarred. He was very tall, and probably older even than Petunia – he looked at her in the same way as those boys who smoked cigarettes at bus stops. He had long blonde hair and was really rather handsome – or at least he would have been if his lips hadn’t been twisted into a permanent sneer.

Still, it was only polite to apologise, so she came forward and said, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to – I was just running to get through the barrier and my trolley is really heavy and…I couldn’t get it to stop.”

The boy fussed with his leather gloves and looked her up and down. “Do you know who I am?” he said. He had quite a poncy voice really, but Lily resisted the urge to laugh.

“No. Should I?”

“Lucius Malfoy. You would do well to remember it.”

“Oh…Well – I will then.”

She noticed his shiny silver badge that said “Head Boy” and ventured a question. “I’m sorry, but could you tell me where I’m supposed to go? It’s just…I don’t know anyone and I’m on my own so…”

He looked at her for only the second time in their conversation and said, “I don’t waste my time helping vermin.”

Lily stared at him, but he ignored her and walked away to join a group of boys his own age. Still, she squared her shoulders and made her way up the platform – she wished she could find someone to ask for help, but everyone seemed too busy to notice a skinny (and very little) first-year – except for one woman whose hat had a vulture on it, which Lily found rather off-putting.

Everyone else seemed to know where to go and what to do and had someone to see them off, and Lily had to swallow back tears. Her parents weren’t allowed on to the platform, and she didn’t know where she was going and…it was scary. She had walked the length of the platform twice, and was starting to cry in earnest when she heard someone shout out, “Oy!”

It was only when someone touched her shoulder that she realised someone was looking for her. Another tall boy, with red-brown hair and a smiling face grinned down at her. “You’re a first-year, aren’t you?” he said.

“Yes.”

“Muggle-born?”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“Oh. Well then you must be. Sorry – someone was supposed to meet you at the barrier, but something happened and he got called away”

Lily stared at him. “Do you know where I should go – it’s just I was wondering if maybe there were different carriages for different years or something and I couldn’t find anyone and…”

“Yeah. Are you Lily Evans?”

“Yeah.”

He smiled. “Great – you’re the last one. We’ve been trying to find all the first-years, and we’ve got the list and all, but no one knew what you looked like.”

“Oh.”

He picked up her trunk and said, “Well…come on then. The train won’t wait forever.”

Lily scampered after him, amazed that he could lift her trunk so easily. She noticed the badge on his chest and said, “Are you a prefect?”

“Yes. Gideon Prewett at your service, my lady.”

“Oh. Hello then. It’s just I met the Head Boy and…he didn’t seem to like me much.”

A flash of something crossed his face and he said, “Just ignore all that for now Lily. It’s a load of rubbish.”

“All what?”

By now they were on the train and he was slotting her trunk into the baggage car. He dusted his hands off and said, “Nothing. We’d better find Roberta – she’ll want to know I’ve got you.”

“Who’s Roberta?”

“The Head Girl.”

“Oh. Are you sure we have to?”

“It’s fine. She’s not like that git Malfoy.”

Lily giggled and said in her most pompous voice, “I think you mean…Lucius Malfoy.”

Gideon laughed and looked down at her approvingly. “So, your parents don’t know magic then?” he said.

“No, not at all. They were kind of shocked actually – and my sister nearly had a heart attack when the messenger arrived. She doesn’t like things to be…out of order.”

Lily was nearly running to keep up with his long strides, and she was glad when they reached a tall girl with a clipboard and a quill, who, as she could tell from the badge, was the Head Girl. Gideon greeted her happily and said, “I found her.”

The tall girl sighed with relief and said, “Great. That’s everyone then. You’d better throw her in with the rest of them.”

Lily quailed inwardly – she did not want to spend several hours with a group of people she barely knew. Still she squared her skinny shoulders again – she would have to, whether she liked it or not. Gideon caught the Head Girl’s elbow and said, “Not with that bunch – she’s Muggle-born, Bobby.”

“Oh…of course. Stupid of me. Fabian’s got a bunch of them in the next carriage – they all seem quite sane, so maybe you could stick her in there. We need to get going.”

Lily stared at the other girl – she was so tall, and so grown-up looking. And she had nice hair. Lily wanted to look just like that when she was older – as if even seeing a dragon wouldn’t faze her. The girl smiled down at her and walked away after kissing Gideon on the cheek. Lily laughed at the look on his face and said, “Is she your girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s her name?”

“Roberta King. Head Girl and Quidditch Captain for Gryffindor. Why?”

“I like her. She looks really…formidable.” She was rather proud of herself for using such a long word correctly, and was surprised when he laughed out loud.

“You’ve got that right.”

“What’s Quidditch?”

They walked into the next carriage and Gideon said, “I haven’t got time to explain that just now okay? You’ll like it.”

Another boy, who looked exactly the same as Gideon, was standing outside one compartment – they must be brothers. He opened the door, and Gideon said, “Well here you are Lily. We’ll be in the next compartment if you need us.”

She nodded and said, “Thanks,” and walked into the compartment, where four people were sitting – three boys and a girl. She smiled tentatively and said, “Is it okay if I sit here?”

They all nodded and she sat down, leaning back into the comfortable cushions – as usual her feet didn’t touch the ground. A boy with shockingly messy hair and glasses leaned forward and said, “What’s your name?”

“Lily Evans.”

He smiled and said, “James. James Potter.” Lily hid her laughter as the others dutifully repeated their names – he was the second person she’d met who sounded like a film character.

There was Dorcas Meadows, a girl with golden-brown hair and warm blue eyes who Lily liked on sight; Remus Lupin who looked rather sickly and had rather a quiet manner (he looked nearly as scared as Lily had felt coming through the barrier); and Sirius Black who she didn’t like the look of. He seemed bad-tempered, and within five minutes he had laughed at something she said.

She and Dorcas soon got to talking as they were sitting beside each other, and, as the only two girls, were naturally inclined to band together. It was after half an hour of this conversation that Lily said, “Do you know anything about Lucius Malfoy?”

Dorcas shook her head and was about to say something when James Potter spoke up, to Lily’s irritation – couldn’t he see they were having a conversation? He stared at her and said, “Were you talking to Lucius Malfoy?”

“I nearly ran him down with my trolley…I didn’t mean to!” He and Sirius were laughing loudly and Lily sighed. “Anyway, I talked to him, and…he was really horrible.”

Dorcas smiled at her sympathetically and said, “What did he do?”

“He called me…vermin.”

Shocked silence fell in the compartment – except for Sirius, who seemed annoyed, and said, “He’s the rat. Just…ignore him.”

Lily stared at him and said, “But why…”

The door slid open and another boy stepped through, ushered in by Gideon who nodded at Lily. He sat down heavily on the seat on Dorcas’ other side – Dorcas looked irritated and turned back to talk to Lily. The boys however were overjoyed at the presence of another male in their midst, and the girls spent the rest of the journey ignoring them as much as possible. The only break in the journey was the arrival of the food cart, after that Lily and Dorcas started a competition to see who could bite into a Chocolate Frog fastest. Of course James (who was definitely the nosiest of the bunch – Sirius was ‘too cool’ to be interested in two girls, and the other two were too quiet) wanted to take part, and of course they wouldn’t let him. Give up their Chocolate Frogs for a boy?

By the end of the journey Lily had learnt a lot of things she hadn’t known before – that it was okay to have a cat or an owl, but not a toad, that the best broomstick was the Nimbus 1000, that the wicked fairy in Sleeping Beauty had been a hag, as had the evil queen in Snow White, that Hogwarts had a new Headmaster who was supposed to be quite mad but in a good way, and that you should never eat a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Bean without considering the consequences.

Dorcas was friendly, and she and Lily sat in the same boat to cross the lake and stood together while waiting to be sorted. Lily hardly noticed the Sorting Hat’s song, she was so amazed by the castle, and the ghosts and the Great Hall, and everything really. It was only when Professor McGonagall started calling out names that she started to get nervous – as she saw Baxter, Ann, Black, Sirius, and Catchlove, Gretta stand up and be sorted she felt her hand clench around Dorcas’ and thought that she might very well be sick – and then she would die of shame.

After Buckley Cooper however, her turn came, and she sat on the stool (noticing that, yet again, her feet did not touch the ground) very calmly, all things considered. Unfortunately though, she ruined the effect of this by jumping in shock when a voice spoke in her ear. It told her she had “More courage than usual in an eleven year old – you don’t like unfairness at all – and, yes a very clever brain…not interested in abstracts though are you?” Lily said she didn’t like Maths, if that’s what it meant, and waited to hear its decision. The hat roared Gryffindor, and Lily made her way over to the table, which clapped for her – Gideon and Fabian and Roberta waved at her.

She sat down with a sigh and watched the rest of her year get sorted. She was less than pleased to be in the same house as Sirius Black – but her happiness was complete when Dorcas was put into Gryffindor too. Two girls and a boy she hadn’t met sat down beside her, and a girl called Marlene, from second year, chatted to her for a bit. She seemed really friendly. As she tucked into her dinner, Lily thought that Hogwarts wasn’t so scary after all.


	2. Chapter 2

2: The Lamps Are Going Out

Lily tugged her skirt straight and stared into space for a moment, her throat dry. She had bid her parents goodbye outside the station, and now she stood and stared at the barrier, steeling herself for what was to come. It wasn't going to be easy.

Finally she patted the badge on her chest with one hand and made her way through to Platform Nine and Three Quarters. It wouldn't do to worry about it – at least not much. She yanked her trunk behind her, trying hard not to think about the meeting in the prefect carriage.

It wasn't that she didn't want to be Head Girl – she did, and she couldn't, even now, restrain a surge of pride at the thought that she, a Muggle-born, had been chosen as one of the finest students in Hogwarts. But for that very reason, she was filled with doubt – she could see the meaning of Dumbledore's gesture as clear as any. In a world that was growing increasingly dark, he was signalling that he would not be cowed by Voldemort and his cronies. He had faith in Muggle-borns and their ability to succeed, and she was his way of sending that message out loud and clear to all who would listen.

Of course, he wouldn't have appointed her if he wasn't sure she could succeed, and Lily had no doubts that she could be a capable Head Girl. The jibes and snubs of members of her year notwithstanding, she had learned long ago that blood counted for almost nothing – at least, not when it came to talent. She had only to think of Eric Munch, whose blood was as pure as could be found, and who was either too lazy or too stupid to learn spells of any complexity.

To be the symbol of Muggle-born success, of their capacity to equal if not exceed purebloods – she wasn't sure if she could do it. And she had to do it – for everyone who, like her, had come to Hogwarts knowing nothing. She had to succeed. No wonder she felt a weight pressed across her shoulders whenever she thought of it.

She had to go into this meeting now and make it quite clear that she was not going to be timid, or ashamed, or let the Head Boy handle the difficult Slytherins – she would do it herself, and heaven help anyone who questioned her authority.

With that, Lily squared her shoulders, and set off down the platform. She'd been thinking about all of this ever since she'd received her badge – time to stop thinking about it, and do it instead.

Remus Lupin spotted her and waved from his carriage. He came out to the door as she approached, and helped her pull her trunk up onto the train. She smiled at him in thanks, thinking he looked very well, considering the full moon had been only three days before. But he didn't have a badge on his chest, and she looked at him curiously. He grinned, and said, "It's not me, I'm afraid, Lily."

She groaned and said, "Damn it. I was really hoping it'd be you – I don't suppose you know who it is, do you?"

His mouth twitched and, instantly surmising the worst, she said, "Oh, God. It's Buckley Cooper isn't it? Oh Remus, what am I going to do?"

She heard the plaintive tone in her voice and winced – how could she deal with Buckley for a whole year if just thinking of him annoyed her so much? Buckley wasn't as bad as Snape or Wilkes, or, heaven help her, Rosier – but he was still one of the pettiest human beings she'd ever had the misfortune to know. He managed to overawe most of the school through good looks and an astonishing memory – Buckley Cooper never forgot a slight or insult (even those which he imagined) and he used his power as prefect to avenge them to some degree.

Remus laughed and said, "No – it's not Cooper; I know that much."

She smiled again. "Phew! I'd rather work with a Puffskein."

Remus offered to take her trunk and she thanked him, and made her way to the prefects' carriage, nodding at people she knew as she went. She didn't see Dorcas; Marlene, of course, had left the year before (she was now training as a Healer in St Mungo's), but she chatted briefly with Roisín and Kumar (who, if anything, were more attached than before) on her way.

When she finally reached the carriage, only one other prefect had arrived. She hoped it was someone she could have an actual conversation with (not, for example, Grugwyn Rufford who suffered from monomania about gobstones).

Still, she entered with a smile, which vanished as her mouth dropped open in sheer surprise. "Potter!"

Her hand was still on the doorknob as he turned to face her, grinning, as usual. "Hello, Lily," he said. "Have a good summer?"

She stared at him, desperately trying to figure out how this was possible. She accepted that Dumbledore was making a point in having her as Head Girl, but what possible good could result from having James Potter as Head Boy?

He seemed uneasy and said, "Don't look so surprised, Lily – it borders on insulting."

She closed her mouth and the door, and sat opposite from him. "I'm…sorry, James. I was just surprised…you weren't a prefect. That's all."

She knew she wasn't doing a very convincing job of lying, but, damn it, how was she supposed to feel? She couldn't be jubilant about this – she wanted someone she could depend on, someone she trusted, and he wasn't either.

Though, perhaps she had been unfair to him. After her experience at the end of last term, she had changed her mind about him, a little. She had thought she was completely over the horror and torture of that night, until one swelteringly-hot evening in July, her parents had been discussing the use of torture in Northern Ireland, and Lily had had to run to throw up in the toilet. Even now, the memory bothered her more than she cared to admit. Something about Voldemort's voice; seeing death staring at her from the tip of his wand, had changed her more than she cared to admit.

Later that evening, she had told her mother about the Death Eaters, and their insane 'cause.' Perhaps she had hoped that her mother would ask her to stay at home, ask her not to involve herself – but Lily's mum had just looked sad. She knew Lily would involve herself because that's what she had been brought up to do – fight prejudice wherever it was to be found. And what they both knew, although neither said it, was that even if Lily did stay at home, she would not be able to defend her parents against a determined attack by Death Eaters. Better that she learn what she could while she could.

She looked at James and said, "You know Buckley Cooper is a prefect, right?"

He shrugged, "I do now."

"Great…just…don't antagonise him okay?"

"What? Lily… Do you think I'm going to let him get started?"

"No. It won't come to that – I can handle him, but not if you start…"

"All right…I get the point."

"Thought I was going to have to browbeat you a little longer."

"Oh I know by now to give in to your infinite wisdom."

"And it only took you seventeen years to gain such valuable knowledge…"

"Eighteen years."

"Oh. Well, perhaps there's hope for you after all. Hang on…how are you eighteen?"

He ran a hand through his hair, more as a habitual gesture than anything else, and said, "Well…it's my birthday tomorrow."

"Oh. I see. Does that mean I'm going to be picking party poppers of the floor on Wednesday morning?"

"Party poppers?"

"Muggle thing."

Lily sighed, reminded once more of her responsibilities – it came as something of a surprise when he said, "What kind of Muggle thing?"

"Oh. They're shaped like small plastic bottles, and there's a string coming out of the top, and you pull it, and streamers and things sort of explode out."

He leaned back in his seat. "I see. Clever, really."

She looked at him carefully, and saw that his interest wasn't feigned. Taking a chance she said, "James?"

"Yes."

"Look, I know, we don't always…" She cut herself off, trying to think of the best way to say it. "Could we…I was hoping that this year, if we fight or whatever, we could do it, in private. I mean, we have to work together and everything, and if people see us arguing about duties and stuff, it won't look good."

He eyed her, and said, "Okay?" She must have sounded rather odd, for his tone suggested he was questioning her sanity.

"It's just…it has to look good. I mean, there's a reason why Dumbledore put me here, and… it has to look good."

She knew she was babbling – this would have been so much easier if the Head Boy had been Remus. Remus knew how to be serious, while Lily was waiting for James to burst out laughing any second.

Instead, he nodded his head and said, "Fair enough. Care to offer me something in return?"

She tensed for a moment, but there was no look of mischief in his eyes, so she nodded.

"It's just, as you noticed coming in, I'm a bit new to this. Don't expose my ignorance if it's at all possible?"

The words sounded unsure, but as he sat back in his sit, a cocky smile on his lips, Lily found it hard to believe he was as insecure as his words seemed to suggest. Still, she smiled and extended her arm – she didn't expect him to pump it so vigorously, but it was what he said next that really surprised her.

"Don't know what you were so worried about anyway."

"What?"

"We don't fight that much."

"Oh. We don't?" She found it hard to keep the sardonic tone from her voice.

"Oh come on Lily – not actual fighting. We just fight cause…we do. It doesn't mean anything."

She nodded slowly – strange as it might sound, she agreed with him. Though no one, no one in the whole world, was more efficient at driving her round the bend; there were few people who she would prefer to have with her in a crisis – thanks to Voldemort. Despite his gracelessness, and occasionally astonishingly bad sense of timing, when things were truly desperate he could be counted on – it was the rest of the time that was difficult.

She shook herself out of her reverie as the first of the prefects arrived – start as you mean to go on, she reminded herself.

*****

The meeting ran fairly smoothly in the end, and Lily laughed at herself for worrying so much. She walked back down the train with James, considering the change that had come over him. She had seen it during the meeting – he could still toss off a joke faster than anyone she knew, and his smile bothered her beyond all reason, but she could sense the change; it was subtle, but it was definitely there. Perhaps, she reflected, he had grown up at last.

Eventually they discovered Dorcas sitting with Remus and Peter – Sirius was 'off somewhere.' From the pinched look around Dorcas' eyes, Lily guessed 'off somewhere' meant chatting up some girl, and, since friendship is the best balm for pangs of disprized love, Lily settled down to a good comfortable gossip.

Dorcas had been in Paris all summer with her half-brother John, so there was plenty to catch up on. In an attempt to keep the peace with her sister, Lily had made sure she received no letters by owl post, and so she and Dorcas had had few opportunities to communicate. Now they sat together in a snug huddle by the window, exchanging news and chocolate frogs.

Dorcas leaned forward, curls tumbling down her shoulders, and Lily felt a pang that she had worked so hard only to be ignored. They talked about many things, not least of which was Marlene's new boyfriend. "So," Dorcas said, "is he as wonderful as she said? She made him sound like…"

Dorcas' voice trailed off, and Lily could guess why – Marlene had a colourful turn of phrase. Lily giggled and said, "I know, but he actually is. I met them a couple of times over the summer."

"How did you?"

"I flew."

"You flew?"

"Well to the next town over. There's a pub there I can Floo from. Anyway, he's great. They've had a whirlwind romance, and apparently he's talking about getting married."

"Really?"

"This is only in the last week of course, and not immediately – not until she's a good way into Healing training."

"What does he do – that's the only thing she didn't mention!"

"He does something in Nimbus – I think he works on braking charms or…something."

James looked at Lily accusingly, and she wanted to bite off her tongue. Remus had always fancied Marlene – everyone knew, though it had never gone anywhere. Lily thought it was because Marlene was so peaceful, so comfortable with herself, that it must be really attractive to Remus.

James, however, was not being incredibly sensitive – rather their conversation had touched on his favourite topic. "What did you say his name is?"

"Dermot O'Hare."

"Dermot O'Hare! He was part of the team that designed the Nimbus 1000."

"Okay."

"Devlin Whitehorn recruited him right out of Hogwarts, Lily! He's one of the most important wizards of the last decade."

"I'm sure he is – and he buys all the drinks."

Dorcas laughed. "That means you must like him. I always knew you'd sell your soul eventually."

Lily slapped at her, laughing. "How many hearts did you break in Paris, cold-hearted cow?"

As Lily spoke, the door of the compartment slid open and a drawling voice said, "You two are really sharp with each other."

Dorcas stared challengingly at Sirius. "It's our way of expressing affection."

Somewhat thrown, Sirius sat down beside them, resting an arm lazily over Dorcas' shoulders – she shrugged him off angrily and looked at Peter. "What did you do for the summer?"

"I went to Norway with my mum."

"Where – were you in the fjords, or Oslo or what?"

Peter's face looked gloomy. "It was a small village on a fjord – my mum has family there."

"Was it very quiet?" Dorcas asked sympathetically.

"Dull as ditch-water. I was an exotic attraction in the place."

Lily laughed. "It can't have been too bad, Peter – all those girls gawping at you all the time."

Peter snorted. "You're funny, Lily."

She stared at him, taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Please, it can't possibly have been as bad as my summer."

Dorcas smiled at her, and pulled a sheaf of papers from her bag. She handed them to Lily. "Here. Time for you to catch up."

They were all the major news stories from the Daily Prophet from the last two months. Dorcas had cut them out and glued them down for her. It was perhaps a sign of the times that there were nearly ten pages of major news stories, most of them referring to Death Eater activity. Lily shivered when she saw a reference to the murders of three Muggles in a town only forty miles from where she lived. It had been talked about on the news, but she hadn't paid much attention, because she had been caught up in the news of her sister's engagement over the summer.

Vernon Dursley reminded Lily of a rhinoceros, or perhaps a walrus – swollen and truculent-looking, but what annoyed her most about him was the effect he had on her sister. Whatever else could be said about Petunia (and Lily could say plenty); she was a formidable woman – nasty, bitter and resolutely narrow-minded, but formidable nonetheless. Yet whenever she was around Vernon Dursley, she simpered.

Lily found it repulsive. The thought that Petunia might actually want Vernon Dursley baffled her. She could only guess that between their mother's political involvements (ranging from feminism to the anti-war movement to trade unionism) and her status as witch-slash-freak, Petunia craved some kind of normality. It was the only reason Lily could think of for marrying so young – and on the rare occasions when her sister's contained-bitterness exploded into a diatribe, it was never aimed at their father. He, as a quietly contented science teacher, fitted all of Petunia's definitions of respectability.

Most of the news was fairly bog standard tales of Muggle murder and clashes between Death Eaters and Aurors, but one article gave Lily pause. She couldn't quite believe it, and had to reread the article twice. She looked at Dorcas and said, "Is this true?"

"What?"

"This." She thrust the pages at her. "They're really letting Crouch do this?"

Dorcas glanced at the pages. "Yes. They are."

Lily felt as though the key to understanding all of this lay just beyond her reach and she stared at her friend and said, "But, how could they…don't they know it's wrong?"

"I don't know, Lily."

"Don't tell me you think this is a good idea…do you? What possible reason could there be for torturing someone?"

Dorcas shrank back in her seat a little, bowing her head in thought. "Look, Lily…" she said, her voice trailing off.

"I think it's the right thing to do," Peter said, his face shining with conviction.

"What?"

"Look at what they're fighting out there! I say let them do whatever they like."

"Those are people, Peter. They're human beings."

"So? They're a bunch of Death Eaters – better them than us. They'd kill you if they got the chance, Lily."

She stood up, knowing she might actually slap him if she had to listen to any more, and walked out of the compartment. She saw Sirius slap Peter sharply across the back of the head, and Dorcas caught his hand sternly – there wasn't any need for it.

Lily knew she shouldn't be angry with Peter; knew she shouldn't think less of him for holding a belief which, apparently, most wizards held, but it had been done to her! She had crouched in that clearing and suffered the most intense pain possible, and she couldn't believe that this could be considered acceptable!

Shakily, she walked towards the end of the carriage – there was a small space at the end where she could stand and look back the way they had come. The window wasn't very large, but the view was calming. She felt as though something she had battened down had come suddenly lose; it was an unpleasant feeling.

She couldn't see far down the train tracks – the steep hills of the landscape made sure of that. It was beautiful – rich green grass, hard rock and falling water made the landscape look like a poem – and Lily smiled, looking at it. She loved Scotland – in her mind it would always be inextricably linked to Hogwarts and the sense of infinite possibilities that the school had always filled her with. It was only in the last year or two that she had realised just how wrong her ideas had been.

The Wizarding world was no better than the Muggle world she had been in – and in some ways it was worse. She hugged herself, and sighed. It was getting dark outside, and a high wind rattled the door of the carriage. It wasn't so long ago that a small girl had nearly run down one of those Death Eaters with her trunk – Lily only wished she had actually hit him.

She heard steps coming towards her, and wasn't surprised when James joined her. She didn't look at him, but said, "It's a nice view."

"Yeah."

She turned around and realised he was staring at her. She was probably white as a sheet. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face as he jerked a thumb back towards their compartment. "Sorry about that. Sirius bawled him out a bit – your mate jumped to his defence after a couple of minutes."

Lily laughed. "She would. What did she do?"

"She whacked Sirius on the head and told him to behave like a grown-up."

Lily let out a low whistle. "Bet he loved that." Sirius liked to think of himself as the great iconoclast, and, though Lily liked him (one couldn't really help but like him, no matter how much one disapproved of him) he did give himself airs.

"Oh, he enjoys it really. He likes anyone who'll pay attention to him. Besides, the more she rakes into him…well that just means she has been paying attention."

Lily laughed. "She'll be so flattered."

James looked at her keenly, and Lily flushed a little under his gaze, not really knowing why. Still she lifted her chin and said, "Wasn't he off with Veronica Smethley earlier – I don't think any girl would like to think she was a filler-in." In fact Lily didn't know who Sirius had been with, but Veronica Smethley (a weak-brained girl who lapped up anything said by any good-looking male) was usually a good guess if Sirius was looking to be flattered.

Again he glanced at her, his hazel eyes sharper than anyone might have guessed, and she sensed that change in him again. Lord, she wished she could put her finger on it – like so many other things, it was a confusing element suddenly introduced to a world she had thought she knew rather well. He shoved his hands in his pockets and said, "I'll make a note of that."

"Maybe you should pass it on to him."

She turned back to the window – he wasn't even smiling now, and she found it very unsettling. It was strange to think how much older he was than her – she had never thought about it before because…well, he had never acted like it, but he was now, and Lily had to admit she was thrown.

Almost a year separated them, as Lily's birthday was half way through August. It didn't usually bother her – she was well-grown for her age, and certainly she was more than a match for any of her classmates when it came to brains, but at the same time, she felt at something of a disadvantage with a boy she didn't really know that well, who was a year older and might have done…things.

Lily shook her head at the thoughts that she was carefully not contemplating, and heard him say, "So, what did you do over the summer?"

"Not that much really. I went to the Thin Lizzy concert."

"Thin Lizzy?"

"They're a Muggle group. One of my old friends from school got me a ticket."

"Was it good?"

Lily sighed, remembering just how strange and wonderful and somehow lost she had felt that evening. She'd listened to a few of their records, but it wasn't quite the same as actually hearing the music spill from the instruments into her ears.

"It was great."

"I didn't see you as a rock music type."

"Do you even know what rock music is?"

"Sure. It's what all those people with dirty hair listen to. Your hair is always clean, Lily."

She laughed at him then – it was the strangest thing in the world to hear him echo her sister's sentiments. He looked at her curiously and she said, "James, really...you sound like a Tory politician." He just looked even more confused, and she continued, "You know, 'only long haired degenerates with foul habits attend rock concerts.'"

"Well. I wouldn't call you a degenerate to your face."

"Oh – you wouldn't? You're so considerate, James."

He tugged at a lock of her hair, teasing. "But your hair is always clean – and shiny. How was I supposed to know?"

"Well, try not taking all your opinions about Muggles from Margaret Thatcher and you might find you'll make fewer of these mistakes."

"Thank you, Lily. I'll always depend on you to steer me through the Muggle world without any faux pas."

She laughed. "Do you really think you have that in you, Potter? I wouldn't give you five minutes in the Muggle world. You'd hex someone in the first five minutes."

He looked indignant. "I would not! Hexing Muggles is foul."

"You wouldn't say that if you'd known my primary school headmaster," she said darkly. "Believe me, if I could hex him now I would."

"Really?"

"Yes. Give him boils for a month or something."

"What did he do – make you cry or something?"

"Or something. I'm not telling you. I've dedicated years to repressing the memory. I'm not about to tell you so I can have it thrown in my face every day for the next year."

He threw up his hands in despair. "I would never! You can tell your Uncle James anything."

Lily snorted. "A less avuncular individual than you is hard to imagine." And it was true – her mother, for one, would never believe her if she said she was 'friends' with James. If she had said it about Peter or Remus or even Sirius, she might have got away with it, but not James. She could never really be friends with him – she didn't know how she knew this, but the knowledge sat in her head whenever she talked to him. He would never be happy with being friends, and…he had a certain kind of bull-headed persistence that would eventually yield results.

Not that Lily fancied him, but…knowing these things made her wary around him, though she rarely progressed so far as to admit to herself that she knew them.

He stared down at her, a wounded look marking his eyes. "I'm hurt, Lily – hurt to think you don't trust me. After everything we've been through."

"Oh please, don't start this."

"We've shared a telescope since the tender age of eleven."

"You were twelve."

He nodded. "Quite right."

"And you pulled my hair every time you thought I was taking too long."

"Well, unfortunately Lily, you weren't able to look through the telescope and write at the same time."

"I just liked looking at the stars! Don't you ever do that?"

He stared at her then, and Lily wished she hadn't said something so benightedly school-girlish. She flicked her hair off her shoulders and said, "Besides, I was looking for asteroids."

His voice dry, he said, "Flaming balls of rock that might possibly destroy life as we know it. I can see the attraction."

"Oh, don't be such a baby." He raised an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry I snapped."

She slumped back against the wall and sighed. This train ride was becoming more intense than she had hoped – it couldn't possibly be healthy. Still, there was something she did want to ask him about and so she stared at him and said, "What was that in the prefects' carriage? With Sirius' brother? Why was he glaring at you the whole time?"

He waved a hand, a look of tiredness crossing his face. "Nothing."

"It was not! I know hostility when I see it, and that was…hostility. I thought for a second he was going to hex you."

"What, worried it'll muck up your chances at being the perfect Head Girl?"

He started to walk away from her then, and she grabbed his shoulder and turned him around forcibly. "That is not fair!"

She was furious, and she had to work for a second to control her voice. "I just wanted to know, that's all. Sorry for being curious!"

James' mouth fell open, and it seemed to take him a moment to recover himself. He gave her a measuring look and said, "All right, look I'll tell you, but you've got to keep this quiet." 

Lily nodded, and he continued. "Sirius ran away this summer, and he stayed with me of course; that's what he was glowering about."

James seemed so troubled that it took Lily a moment to work up the courage to say, "But, why? I mean, I've never been exactly partial to Regulus, but…"

James cut her off sharply. "It's his business."

"Okay."

Perhaps she sounded a little stung, for he caught her eye and said, "Bellatrix is his cousin remember. That ought to tell you something Lily. Now you mightn't think much of him, but he doesn't believe in all that rubbish, and he'd be the first to say it."

"I know James – I never thought either of you…" Lily cut herself off. "I suppose that's why he's even more dark and brooding than usual."

"You think he's 'dark and brooding'?"

Of course she did; as she'd pointed out to Dorcas many times, with Sirius it seemed that name was destiny, so she said, "Maybe a little."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

James huffed and folded his arms, looking deeply annoyed and it took her a couple of seconds to figure out what he was driving at, but when she got it, she started laughing.

"You don't think I fancy him!" She was now in danger of collapsing into giggles, and loosing all ability to speak with any coherence.

James glared, and Lily laughed harder at his attempts to look fearsome. Finally, she managed to get her breath back. "I can promise you that I have never, and will never, fancy Sirius Black. Can you imagine? It would be so ridiculous."

At last he managed to crack a smile, and said, "Okay. Sorry then. But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you keep asking about him?"

"I'm just interested."

They were standing by the entrance to their compartment, and suddenly he snapped his fingers. Dorcas and Peter were playing chess, and the other two were watching intently. Sirius hung over Dorcas' shoulder and she was rather pink-cheeked. "I know what it is!" he said.

"What?"

"It's her…she likes him."

"What? No – God!"

"She does, doesn't she? That's why you wanted to know."

"Oh seriously, James, no you can't say that – you can't! She'll kill me – and you can't! Especially not to him! Promise. Please."

He looked astonished at her vehemence and she continued. "It's a deep, dark secret. I'm the only one who knows, and if she thinks I told anyone, especially you, she'd kill me."

"But you didn't tell me."

Lily felt like hitting him for being so dense, but continued, "Look, you can't say anything, all right. You've got to promise me. He'll just make fun of her."

"He won't…Lily he wouldn't, all right? I know him. But fine, I won't say anything, even if he would really like to know."

Lily ignored his last words, and put her hand on the compartment door. She was surprised when he put his hand on her wrist, and she looked up at James curiously.

"About before…with Peter? You are all right?"

She sighed, surprised at the question. "I'm fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Sir Edward Grey's (British Foreign Secretary) comment on the eve of the First World War
> 
> "The lamps are going out all over Europe; we shall not see them lit again in our lifetime."
> 
> August 3, 1914
> 
> PhoenixSong.net :: A Harry/Ginny Fanfic and Fanart Archive :: Fanfiction


	3. To Find Quarrel in a Straw

#### 3: To Find Quarrel in a Straw

 

_Dear Lily and Dorcas,_

_I hope everything is going well with the two of you – I assume it is, otherwise there would have been something in the_ Daily Prophet _about one of you exploding from accumulated stress, but then again, you never know. Is James driving you around the twist, Lily? (Please note that this isn’t a request for you to list his terrible qualities in your next letter – we both know the litany by now.) By this stage of seventh year I remember wanting to pull Travers’ ears off – I hope he hasn’t annoyed you that much. When is the next Quidditch match? I mentioned to Dermot that Dorcas was a Chaser, and he instantly became incredibly excited – they’re starting work on the newest model of Nimbus, and apparently they’re looking for test fliers. They won’t be needed until next summer, but Dermot wants to put the team together now. He says he can’t find a female Chaser (don’t ask me why, he knows hundreds of Quidditch players) so he might pop up to the next match and check out your flying, Dorcas. The pay seems to be reasonably good, and it’d be a handy starter job at least (there might be opportunities for broom design in a few years, but according to Dermot they haven’t fully set up the Apprentice programme yet.) I can’t wait for next year when we can share a flat – there’s barely room to swing a kitten in the place I’m in now._

_A strange thing happened last weekend actually. I was shopping in Muggle London, trying to find some kind of painkiller my supervisor was going on about (apparently it’s called morphine, but I couldn’t find it in any of the ‘pharmacies’ so have my doubts about whether its real or not.) I ran into your mum and Petunia, Lily. They said they were shopping for a wedding dress – your mother did not look particularly cheerful, I have to say. Does this mean Petunia didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid after all? (In which case, let me say, she is a half-arsed old cow, and don’t let it bother you.) The second I mentioned I was a friend of yours, she practically ran out of the shop, though before that I think she found me rather charming. Has she always looked so old?_

_I feel a bit run into the ground to be honest – this is the first night all week I’ve had the energy to put quill to paper. I’m even glad Dermot’s away for a few days – I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I’m told the first six months at St Mungo’s are always rough – the amount of different classes we have to do beggars belief. We’re even doing Muggle classes, if you can believe it – anatomy and physiology (though what the difference is between the two I’m not entirely certain.) We have those classes everyday – physiology first thing in the morning and anatomy last thing at night. I never realised how much Muggles had discovered – according to my supervisor, the development of potion-making and medicinal charms exploded when the Muggles started making their discoveries. We have to go over to the Royal College of Surgeons for lectures, as the previous lecturer (a witch by the name of Hegarty) either returned to Dublin to be with her one true love or had an unfortunate encounter with a manticore.  Those are the two most common explanations, according to hospital gossip. Either way, she seems to have disappeared. We get some funny looks at the college – they had to make arrangements in a hurry, and the Muggle lecturers have been told we’re from a special discipline of some kind. They think we’re all a bit mad, but they’re very, very nice about it._

_My supervisor, Auberon Galspeed, is quite a queer one, it has to be said, though he really knows his stuff. I don’t actually spend that much time with him – a day and a half a week – but he’s very interesting. He actually looks more like a Quidditch player than a mild-mannered Healer, but he’s specialising in potions research. He’s helping a Damocles Belby research a potion, and Belby arrives about once a week to compare findings.  It’s all a bit technical to be honest, and I wouldn’t mind but I’m the one who has to take the notes from their discussions.  I also get sent out to the library and to other places on some truly weird errands – apparently the potion has something to do with werewolves, so I’ve been doing all kinds of research for them._

_They want to find a cure, though from what I’ve read that’s impossible. I don’t know, mind you, but…well, it’s early yet, and they’ve certainly made some interesting discoveries. It’ll be quite a while, I think, before they even have a potion they can actually test, but you might want to drop this into conversation with a certain someone – it’d do him a bit of good I think. He is keeping well? I miss him to be honest – he’s a very relaxing person to be around, and Lord knows, I could do with some relaxation now. (You know, I lied – I do miss Dermot after all.)_

_Auberon says he’s going to train me up as a potions researcher like him, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Not that I wouldn’t be interested, but I’ve had a word with Dumbledore, and we’ve agreed that I’m going to specialise in curse damage. It’s not permanent of course, but for all intents and purposes it might as well be – who knows when this will finish? God I sound melancholy – sorry. I don’t mind, really – it’s just curse damage was never what I imagined myself doing. Of course, what I did imagine myself doing was natal care, which there is no way I am doing. I’ve helped with two births now, and they’ve both been utter nightmares. Don’t get me wrong, the babies are beautiful, but it’s too messy altogether, not to mention the husbands! One of them, Amos Diggory, a man who is supposedly an Auror (or something involving law enforcement anyway) actually fainted during the birth!_

_Because of my arrangement with Dumbledore, I’m getting some advanced training. Instead of spending months drilling me on the basics, I get a month’s intensive course, and then, if I pass the exam, I’ll be whisked upstairs to curse damage. I’ll still be working with Auberon on other areas (probably about two days a week) but I won’t be moved around like everyone else. It’s not ideal, but this way I’ll qualify as a Healer by next Christmas, and Dumbledore says they need Healers urgently. I should be able to handle most curses by March (the last six months will be work on the Darkest curses, and pick-up courses on everything else.)_

_Now you know why I’m so tired. Keep well, and write back to me soon._

_Love,_

_Marlene_

Lily smiled as she finished reading the letter. She sat by the window in Gryffindor Tower, the wind moaning outside. Marlene did sound exhausted, but Lily had learnt long ago that Marlene was happiest when busy, so she wasn’t unduly worried. She had laughed at her description of working with Travers – at least James wasn’t _that_ bad. The letter slid down to her lap as she considered that, in fact, James wasn’t bad at all. He didn’t really seem like the arrogant toe-rag she had once called him – instead he seemed, well, mature. He still drove her mad (in fact she was beginning to suspect he always would) but it wasn’t the same.

His smile made her itch to do…something; she didn’t even know what. He could be so intensely infuriating that she had actually considered hitting him with a Passivity Charm, which was most unlike her. In the last week he had started a crusade to ‘teach Lily to fly properly’ and knowing him, he wasn’t going to give up until he actually saw her fall to her death.

Lily knew that her opposition to flight was silly really; it was just that every time she got on a broom she froze. It was utterly foolish, but she was scared of heights, and all of her belief in magic couldn’t seem to shake that fear. If she absolutely had to fly, she could just about manage it – going very slowly, with frequent pauses so she could soothe herself a little.

But she didn’t want to tell James this – it would leave her horribly exposed. It was silly, and she knew that, but she wanted him to think of her as the clever, capable Head Girl – not as someone who trembled every time she got on a broomstick. Especially as he was such a good flier himself.

She didn’t like to think about just why she wanted him to think of her as clever and capable – it was better not to think about it. But yet, and she pulled at the skin of her nails as she thought about it, it would be better to admit it to herself (if not to Dorcas.) James was…handsome. She hadn’t seen it before because he’d been such a git, but she was seeing it now. It was very difficult sometimes to remember that, because he was so much easier to deal with when he was just the boy who pestered her and tormented Snape. She’d even found herself about to lay into him one day and had only managed to stop herself at the last second – it was just so much _easier_ when she could hold herself above him.

But she couldn’t do that any more, and now she was tumbling off her high horse with distressing rapidity. He was good company, and clever, and she just enjoyed spending her time with him. Too much. He’d had a bit of a reputation the last few years for being a ‘serial monogamist’, and Lily was not about to gratify his pride by betraying an interest in him.

If she was interested in him – if such a thing was actually possible, and Lily wasn’t certain it wasn’t against nature. But, he was very good-looking. Not in the way Sirius was good-looking, thankfully – Sirius looked ludicrously perfect, like a film star, and sometimes she was tempted to pinch him to see if he was real – but in his own way. Part of it was his expression, his way of seeming to feel things more than other people. When he was happy he actually shone, and when he was angry, well, fortunately she hadn’t seen him angry yet.

Hazel eyes were something else she was discovering hidden depths to. His eyes were warm, warmer than she’d ever realised, and when James looked at her a certain way, when he was smiling, she felt…well not any way she was supposed to feel when James Potter looked at her, that was for sure. And yet, his gaze was keen, he saw things clearly, and he wouldn’t ever let her back down. It drove her to distraction sometimes, but it was a trait she secretly loved. He wasn’t afraid or unwilling to stand up to her – and sometime in the last few years, he had actually learned to take her seriously. He had learned that she meant what she said.

Lily sat up with a start when she heard Sirius’ voice shouting, “Well maybe if you hadn’t been floating there like an idiot, I wouldn’t have hit you.”

Sirius was carrying Dorcas through the portrait hole – the skin around her right eye had swollen up, and she appeared to have a broken nose. That didn’t stop her from yelling right back at Sirius though. “Well maybe if you had paid the slightest attention to what you were doing I wouldn’t have been hit.”

“It’s a Quidditch practise, Meadows! I’m supposed to hit the Bludgers – that’s why we train, so that you have something approaching an idea of how to dodge. Clearly you don’t!”

“Well, why is it then, Black, that you only hit the Bludger at _me_ all evening! Do you think that’s Ravenclaw's new strategy – concentrate on me? Just for the record – I know how to dodge. And why are you still carrying me?”

Lily moved over to them, thankful that almost everyone except a few harried-looking fifth-years was in bed, hoping to calm them down somewhat. Sirius sat Dorcas down on the sofa, and James, who had accompanied them but hadn’t taken part in the argument, gave Lily a wry smile as she approached. Sirius was still shouting.

“Well, clearly you need the practise, if you manage to get hit in the head by a Bludger. You didn’t even duck!”

It being fairly obvious what had happened, Lily said, “Why didn’t you go to the hospital wing?”

James shook his head. “Madam Pomfrey wasn’t there.”

“She wasn’t there!” Lily exclaimed.

Dorcas eyed Lily carefully. “She’s in Hogsmeade, I think.”

Sirius rounded on her. “And why do you think she’s in Hogsmeade?”

“Because there’s three Dark Marks in the sky. That’s what I was looking at. She’s the nearest Healer.”

Silence fell in the room and the fifth-years exchanged worried glances. Lily shook her head, amazed that the Death Eaters would have the audacity to attack so close to Hogwarts. Dorcas took her hand away from her nose and grimaced at the amount of blood. “Think you’ll be able to fix this, Lily?” she said.

“Sure.”

“ _Episkey”_

She smiled at her friend impishly. “Keep the numbing charm on for tonight and you can get it fixed in the morning. You’ll be black and blue by then, you know.”

Dorcas sniffed and said, “Yeah, Sirius took care of that.” Lily saw him swell like an angry toad and held her breath. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything.

Dorcas laughed bitterly. “First Cooper burns off half my hair, and now this. Is my nose crooked?”

Lily checked carefully. “No – you’re fine. Why did he burn your hair off?”

“Oh apparently I insulted him, I don’t know. He’s a git. Anyway, I was late for practise so I didn’t go to get it fixed. I probably look like a hag.”

Sirius now looked distinctly uncomfortable and Lily took pity on him. She rapped Dorcas’ head lightly with her wand, and said, “How long do you want it to be?”

Dorcas’ golden-brown hair started to spring out of her scalp, and she pointed to her collarbone, asking, “How do you just happen to know that charm?”

“One of the boys in my old school cut my hair off when I was eight – I looked it up the first month in Hogwarts. It comes in handy if you’ve had a really bad haircut.”

Dorcas giggled, and Lily tapped her head again. The tendrils stopped growing, but continued to twist and rearrange themselves, as though a pair of kittens were playing underneath her hair. “Sorry about that,” Lily said, “It tends to get a bit excited until you wash it.”

James grinned. “How many bad haircuts have you had?”

“This is not the time for that discussion. In fact, I don’t think there is a time for that discussion – ever.”

Sirius was staring into the fire darkly, and James glanced at him warily. “Come on Evans – it can’t be worse than my hair.”

“You never cut your hair.”

“Hey!”

“Hey? You don’t. Why do you think it looks like a bird’s nest?”

“A bird’s nest!”

“At least Sirius understands the value of good grooming.”

Lily ruffled Sirius’ hair teasingly, but he moved away from her with a grunt of ill humour. Dorcas stared at him, and after a few moments she said, “And I do know how to dodge.”

James grabbed Lily’s hand and they ran for the portrait hole as Sirius and Dorcas started arguing yet again. Once outside, they leaned against the wall, slightly out of breath. “Those two,” he said. “It’s getting ridiculous. I can’t stand it any more. It’s just too much!”

He was right. Dorcas and Sirius had been sniping at each other constantly since the beginning of the year. It was quite surprising, really – while Sirius was somewhat changeable, Dorcas was usually quite even-tempered. Lily suspected it was due to Sirius’ continued involvement with Veronica Smethley, whom he seemed to flaunt in front of Dorcas a little. Lily wasn’t sure why he did it – James swore he hadn’t said anything, and it seemed uncharacteristically cruel – but she had given up trying to understand Sirius a long time ago.

They were walking together when James said, “Good thing we had to patrol tonight.”

“Oh, blast!”

He stared at her, clearly worried. “What?”

“I have to go back.”

He caught her arm as she turned. “Oh no, we’re not going back into the war zone just yet, thank you. Why?”

“Marlene sent us a letter, I should give it to Dorcas.”

“It can wait half an hour can’t it?”

“Yeah – I suppose.”

“How is she anyway?”

“Fine. Tired.”

“I’ve heard Healer training can be rough.”

“Sounds like it. She seems to be doing about five hundred different things, and she’s not living with anyone so…”

“How come?”

“Oh, just worked out that way. You remember Jenny?”

“Yeah – they were best mates weren’t they?”

“Pretty much. Well, she’s gone off to Australia as British liaison to the ministry or something, and Marlene’s other friends are at the Auror training academy so it’s not really practical for them to live with her.”

James let out a low whistle. “That’s rough.”

They had stopped by a window, looking out at the castle grounds, and Lily shivered, thinking of green skulls hanging over Hogsmeade. “It’s not so bad really,” she said. “She’s not at home that much anyway, and she has Dermot. I think she was just really tired when she wrote.”

“Did she have anything interesting to say?”

“Oh some stuff – she’s helping her supervisor with some potion for werewolves.”

James stiffened and Lily kept her voice carefully light and looked out the window.

“She says they’re looking for a cure – I’m not sure if that’s possible from what I remember reading, but they’ve learned things. They might be able to make it…less painful, or something.”

“I thought we weren’t going to…”

She laid a hand on his arm, and said distinctly, “I just thought it might be worth mentioning.”

He looked at her measuringly, and after a moment she realised her hand was still on his arm. She flushed and turned back to the window, saying, “It’s not as bad as what Muggles have to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“It takes seven years for a Muggle doctor to qualify – at least.”

“How do they get anything done?”

“My mum used to say necessity is the mother of invention.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Work it out for yourself. You’re supposed to be intelligent.”

Lily hugged herself as he said, “Where is Remus anyway?”

“He went to bed – he looks pretty rough to be honest.”

“Yeah, well…” His voice drifted off. It was only three days since the last full moon.

The silence between them stretched out, and Lily sighed. She couldn’t keep her mind off Hogsmeade and what might have happened there – and she was angry. And afraid. She couldn’t keep that little shiver of fear out of her mind – they were killing people, people just like her, and there wasn’t a thing she could do to stop it.

James must have been thinking the same thing, because he said, his eyes closed off, “Why would they attack Hogsmeade?”

“I don’t know. There aren’t any Muggles there.”

Lily winced at the bitter tone of her voice, and risked a look at him. He stared into her eyes intently, and she felt a sudden need to explain to him. “I’m sorry. I’m not exactly impartial about any of this.”

He nodded, but he didn’t say anything, and Lily wildly wished he would, because she couldn’t stop.

“It’s just I had to tell my parents to keep an eye out for wizards because they might murder them. And all my old friends…”

She closed her mouth with a snap – she really didn’t want to talk about this. She broke their eye contact, and stepped around James, walking on down the corridor. It was a few moments before she heard his footsteps following her. He looked at her somewhat warily and said, “Lily, it’s all right.”

“No, it’s not!

“I mean, it’s all right for you to be angry.”

“No, damn it – it’s not! They’re out there, murdering people, and my parents and my sister don’t have anyone! I should be there…I should be…”

Lily stopped talking, utterly horrified that she had gone off on him like that. She stepped away from him, wiping away the tears of rage that had sprung up quite unexpectedly.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.”

She took a deep breath, desperately trying to clear her mind of the unexpected anger and guilt that had bubbled up inside her. She hadn’t even known she felt so strongly about abandoning her family – even though logic and her mother had told her repeatedly that she wasn’t abandoning anyone, she couldn’t seem to make herself believe it.

It came as something of a shock to feel James’ hand on her shoulder – he squeezed it gently and leaned in to look at her face. “Lily, it’s okay. I don’t think there’s a single Muggle-born who doesn’t feel the same way. Hell, I feel the same way, and my mum used to be an Auror.”

“Was she really?”

“Yeah. Why so surprised?”

“Not surprised exactly – I just always wondered where you’d learned all those defensive charms.”

“What charms?”

“The ones from first and second years. You knew all of them, when the rest of us were still working on swish and flick.”

“You’ve been thinking about it since first year?”

She happened to look at his face, and a sudden suspicion hit her. “Yeah.”

He tapped her collarbone with one finger and said, “You fancied me.”

Trying desperately not to blush, she yelped, “I did not!”

“Oh, you didn’t? What was it then?”

“It was curiosity.”

“Killed the cat you know, Lily.”

“It’s not really a good idea to say that when we’re standing outside the Transfiguration classroom.”

He laughed, though it was a terribly old joke, and they walked on for several minutes in silence. When they reached the fourth floor Lily said, “Do you want to take the east and I’ll take the west corridor?”

He nodded, saying, “Race you back to the stairs?”

She sighed. “It doesn’t always have to be a competition.”

“Okay, okay. Don’t take long.”

Lily watched him go thoughtfully. She was still in shock, and somewhat embarrassed, that she had lost her temper like that. James, thankfully, hadn’t made it worse, but she still cringed at what she had said. Whatever was the matter with her?

Everyone seemed to be snapping lately – even Peter, which was most unusual. He was by far the most even-tempered of the four, which she supposed was his great virtue. Everything about Peter was reasoned, from his even-temper to his average marks and his unassuming appearance. Lily begged to ask him why he hung around with Remus, James and Sirius when he could have had friends who didn’t undermine him so much. What on earth did he get out of it? To be fair, they did seem to care about him, but, if it had been her, which it wasn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to stand always being around people who would always outdo her. Then again, she thought impishly, Peter might just have a less resentful temperament than she. She couldn’t ask him of course, it wouldn’t have been tactful, but it was a question she longed to understand.

She checked the Ancient Runes classroom and the room that housed the Charms Club (of which she was the proud chairperson) before continuing on down the corridor. Ludicrous as it might sound, she had always loved wandering the corridors at night. Even now, when she had to do so as Head Girl, she tingled with a sense of the forbidden. Who knew what you might find around the next corner?

She supposed it was slightly ridiculous – aside from that unfortunate encounter with a half-grown Acromantula and a group of Death Eaters last year, Lily didn’t have many rule-breaking incidents in her past. Well, she had hexed James in her fourth year, giving him immensely long front teeth, but she excused that on the grounds of justifiable provocation.

Lily heard shouting, and walked briskly round the corner. She was appalled by what she saw.

Two seventh-year students had Peter Pettigrew cornered and cursed. His slightly plump, friendly face had swollen to grotesque proportions, and Lily realised they must have used _Engorgio_. She lifted her wand.

“ _Expelliarmus_! _Impedimenta_!”

Wilkes and Rosier were knocked to the ground, and Lily caught their wands deftly. She stood over them grimly, her voice trembling with anger. “Both of you get up! Now.”

They leaned against the wall, smirking at her, and Lily thought she would like to curse them both so badly they’d never smile again, but she restrained herself. Even without a wand, there were still two of them, and Peter might be injured ( _Engorgio_ wasn’t really supposed to be used on humans.)

“I want an explanation for this.”

“For what?”

Lily stared at Wilkes, wondering if he was _trying_ to provoke her further, but only said,

“Yes, an explanation for why you were attacking another student.”

“We weren’t attacking anybody… We were just teaching the basics of duelling.”

“Really? Well in that case, you won’t mind if I report this to Professor Dumbledore, will you?”

That seemed to faze them, and Rosier shifted uncomfortably as Lily continued, “Because if Professor Dumbledore heard of any unsupervised tuition in duelling, especially if a student had been injured, I think he would be most unhappy.”

They refused to meet her eyes, standing in aggressive silence and Lily, tired of their pretences, and wanting to help Peter, said, “Well, go back to your common rooms. I’ll speak to the Headmaster about this tomorrow.”

Wilkes approached her, and said, “Aren’t you going to give us our wands back, Head Girl?”

“No. You won’t get your wands back until tomorrow, if then. I’m not satisfied that you won’t start another ‘duelling practise’ on the way back.”

He stood very close to her, anger twisting his face and reddening his cheeks. He looked like a parody of himself – Wilkes had been blessed, or cursed depending on how one looked at it, with the looks of an innocent choirboy, and anger did not suit him. “You’re nothing. You don’t even deserve to be here. You’re just a jumped-up Mudblood.”

Lily lifted an eyebrow. “And you’re a vicious hooligan, who tortures a wandless student – and tomorrow you’ll be expelled. Now get back to your common room.”

They sauntered away, and she resisted the temptation to send a few choice jinxes after them, kneeling down beside Peter instead. With a little rapid charm work she had him deflated and generally set to rights, though his face was an unhealthy red colour. She patted his back tentatively – she didn’t really know Peter all that well.

It was a few minutes before Peter was ready to walk, and he hadn’t spoken much, so Lily was glad to see James approaching. Assessing the situation quickly, James hooked one arm around his back and they escorted him to the common room.

They got him to go to bed – it was quite late to be going to the hospital wing, and Lily didn’t think there’d been any physical harm done. The look of mingled humiliation and rage on Peter’s face spoke volumes about emotional damage, however. He didn’t say a word.  Lily couldn’t blame him, but her feelings were bound up in gratitude that she had got there in time.

It came as something of surprise then when James turned to her and said, “What did you go and do that for?”

“Do what?”

“You know what!”

He was walking around the room distractedly, and Lily had to make the connection herself. “What? Save your friend from a pair of teenage psychopaths? Oh, sorry, I won’t go and do that again.”

“Why did you have to shove your oar in?”

“Did you see what happened to him?”

“He could have handled it himself – he wanted to. I know.”

“I don’t care what he wanted, James! I cared about making sure that they didn’t do permanent damage to him. And since he didn’t have his wand, that was my job.”

“You embarrassed him.”

“How exactly?”

“He…he doesn’t want anyone to save him.”

“So what! Was I supposed to stand there and let them _hurt_ him?”

“No…no. I’m sorry.”

“I bet you are.”

“What, Lily – I’m sorry, it’s not like that.”

She was walking away from him now, about to walk up to her dorm and sleep off this too long day, when he caught her elbow and turned her to face him. “Look,” he said, “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“Do you know what they call me?”

She had never seen his face change so quickly, shifting from an expression of apology to hot anger as he said, “No.”

“Well, let’s just say, it wasn’t exactly fun for me either.”

“Lily, I…”

She couldn’t deal with this any more, couldn’t listen to him rant and rave on her behalf – she just wanted her bed. “I’m going to bed. Night, James.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from Hamlet, Act 4, Scene 4:
> 
> “Rightly to be great  
> Is not to stir without great argument,  
> But greatly to find quarrel in a straw  
> When honour's at the stake.”


	4. Clear as Day

#### 4: Clear as Day

  
                   

Lily stared at the Christmas tree, hands on her hips. It was the last of the Great Hall trees to be decorated, and something just wasn’t right. That Peeves was attempting to hang Mrs Norris from the fourth highest bough didn’t bother her unduly, nor did the frequent bursts of laughter behind her. She didn’t quite understand why Sirius and Remus had decided to make each other sing Rule Britannia to the tune of “We Don’t Need No Education,” but it was at least keeping people entertained.

She tapped her wand in her hand absently, pondering what the flaw could be. She was perfectly well aware that it actually had nothing to do with the Christmas tree, but it was just easier to worry about the tiny details.

She was tired. Professor Slughorn had had a party the night before and she had been late getting in. She understood all too well why people disliked him, but all her “set” had been there – Dorcas, Kumar, Roisín, Ann, Arnold and Gaspard Shingleton, and unfortunately also Gretta Catchlove, who never seemed to get any less obnoxious, and they spent at least half the night in a corner of the room, just chatting. Seventh year was proceeding at such a hectic pace that they didn’t often get the chance to do that, and she had enjoyed it, even if she did have bags under her eyes this morning.

James joined her, reminding Lily of the _other_ reason she felt more than a little off this morning. Still, it hadn’t really been his fault, so she only said absently, “Why are Hogwarts trees always so skinny at the top?”

His hand slipped to the small of her back and Lily tensed slightly. He _kept_ doing that, and she shouldn’t notice it so much, but she couldn’t help it. It wasn’t as if it meant anything – James was physically affectionate with lots of people. At least, she thought he was. Anything would be better than the thought that it might actually mean something.

If he actually meant something, well… Lily didn’t know how she’d deal with that. There’d been other boys of course, but they’d always been willing to listen to reason, or what she chose to call reason.

James wouldn’t. He would flat out ask her why she didn’t like him, or want to be with him, and keep asking. And she didn’t know. She’d been forced to admit this one day recently, when they’d spent hours arguing over how to organise the prefects, and he’d pushed his face into hers in order to prove a point and… well, she’d had difficulty keeping her mind on the issue at hand.

He peered round her shoulder and said, “Why so quiet – something on your mind?”

She flushed, given what she’d just been considering, and said, “Nothing really – Christmas is just different at Hogwarts, that’s all.”

“This is the first time you’ve spent Christmas here?”

She looked at him quizzically. “Yeah – don’t tell me you never noticed.”

He brushed her question away with an impatient hand gesture and said, “How come you stayed this year?”

Lily shrugged. “I just thought I should stay at least once and Dorcas…” In fact, her relationship with her sister had deteriorated so badly over the summer that Lily had scrambled for a reason to avoid spending Christmas with Petunia and her fiancé – she was guiltily aware that having an orphaned friend was just a convenient excuse, and she found it difficult to lie with James in such close proximity, literally breathing down her neck.

“It’s quite different,” she said. “We don’t have enchanted snowballs at home.”

“How many times do I have to say it, Lily – that was an accident.”

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed, Potter – I might never have known what it’s like to be buried under five feet of snow if it wasn’t for you.”

He leaned even closer, and said in a confiding tone, “I was actually trying to get Snape.”

She frowned. “I thought you two had stopped all that.”

“Don’t look at me like that – he tried to set the Venomous Tentacula on me.”

“Okay.”

He must have caught the suspicious tone in her voice, for he said, leaning closer still, “In case you haven’t noticed, Lily, I don’t do that any more.”

“I know… I always notice.”

She couldn’t believe she’d said that, but still found herself laughing out loud at his beaming grin. His face completely lit up when he smiled. She was laughing hard, still conscious of one of his hands pressed against her back, when he grabbed her hand and started to spin her around.

“What are you doing?” she asked as her wand went flying into a corner.

“Remus, some music if you please.”

What Lily happened to know was quite a tricky little charm; Remus conjured a violin tune with his wand. James spun her round smoothly and from the corner of her eye Lily saw Sirius and Peter competing for Dorcas’ hand. Roisín and Kumar, unsurprisingly, had taken to dancing as well.

James dipped her and she clutched at his robes, half scared she might fall, half… something else. She giggled from nerves, feeling the strength in his arms as he held her, feeling something twist wonderfully, frighteningly in her stomach.

As they stood up, Lily noticed that his glasses had started to slide down his nose, and she pushed them back up with a finger. Surprise flared in his eyes and he pressed her hand against his cheek. His skin felt rough, stubble grazing the inside of her palm. Though they had long since ceased to dance, Lily was still so close to him that she could feel the movement of his breath against the bridge of her nose.

She flicked her eyes up his briefly and saw a look that she had perhaps seen before, but it was stronger, more tender than anything she had ever glimpsed. Suddenly nervous, she licked her lips and breathed, “James?”

It came as no surprise when he didn’t answer her, but drew her half an inch closer, in a way that would have been terribly invasive had it been anyone but James. She had barely time to gasp before he kissed her – but it didn’t feel wrong. He was wrapped all around her, warm lips and mouth and arms, and yet she found herself pushing further into the embrace that should have felt too tight. When they finally broke apart, James touched his forehead to hers, and Lily, still trembling slightly, leaned into him, feeling ever one of his fingers spread across her back.

It did come as a surprise when she pushed him away. Lily could hear whoops of laughter coming from behind her, and when she turned she saw Sirius clapping slowly. He raised an eyebrow satirically and Lily felt herself flush to the roots of her hair. She turned, one hand spread over her chest in an attempt to calm her heart. James was out of breath, but he smiled at her nonetheless.

She’d never felt more humiliated in her life.

James looked rather rumpled, his hands thrust into his pockets, his hair even more untidy than usual, with a rather provocative smile on his face. Lily felt hot all over, and stared at him, whispering, “What are you doing?”

He gaped at her and, to her eternal shame, Lily turned and ran out of the hall. She could hear people jeering him as she went, but nothing stopped her until she tripped and fell into one of Hogwarts’ many trick steps.

She swore under her breath and looked around for someone to help her. She hadn’t forgot about one of the trick steps since the end of her second year.

Unfortunately for Lily the only person nearby was Severus Snape. He had never liked her, but his enmity had reached a new pitch after Wilkes and Rosier were suspended. She could understand his feelings, but all the empathy in the world was little help to her now. She realised, with a sinking feeling, that her wand was back in the Great Hall. Bracing herself for a curse or jinx of some sort, Lily waited for him to pass her by. She sighed with relief when he only said, with his usual sneer, “Mudblood slut,” and walked on. Clearly he had seen her and James’ performance.

* * *

Lily hugged herself disconsolately, staring out at the Quidditch pitch from a quiet corner of the common room. Dorcas had forced her to go down for dinner, but it had been truly dreadful. All the Gryffindors watched her and James all through dinner, as did a number of the teachers; Peter Pettigrew had appropriated James’ sense of injury and sent dirty looks down the table, and James apparently retreated into a resentful silence. She’d picked at her food for what felt like hours before giving it up as a bad job. Her stomach was just too full of knots to make space for food.

So now she sat, trying to figure out what exactly had happened, how and, most importantly, why. She knew what Dorcas would say, knew that the evidence in James’ favour was overwhelming, but it couldn’t be true. It was against nature, and all the odds, and common sense, for her to have developed feelings for James? And yet, the thought of his angry, wounded face made her squirm in her seat.

She sat there for most of the evening, trying to understand what had changed so much, and why. Why did it shrivel her up inside to think of James angry with her? It wasn’t as if it actually mattered to either of them. She’d always assumed, and quite happily, that his flirtation – she supposed she must call it that – was just an old habit, a trick of sorts. But then she remembered his face when she’d pulled away and… it wasn’t so clear-cut anymore. She didn’t want to hurt him; she felt sick at the thought.

She must have sat pondering for hours as the fire burnt low and her classmates retreated to their beds. Dorcas, thankfully, sensed her mood, and made sure she was left alone for the evening.

Normally when Lily fought with someone, she remembered all their terrible personality traits, all the things they did that drove her crazy, all the reasons why she wasn’t the least bit sorry they’d had a row. Not this time. All she could think about was the look on James’ face when he scored the winning goal in the first match of the season, the anger that had burned in his eyes for her and Peter after their encounter with Wilkes and Rosier, the hug he’d given her when she told him that she’d successfully reached the half-way stage of Felix Felicis, the way he’d comforted her on the train ride…

The way his hands gripped the back of her chair, and his voice said in mocking tones, “Lily, Lily, why so blue?”

She jumped, and made to stand up, but James’ hands were pressing her shoulders down, and before she could say anything, he was standing in front of her chair, leaning so that his hands rested on the armrests, and unless she actually pushed him, she was pinned. Lily felt a slight shiver run through her, despite the difficulty that was bound to be ahead of her.

Her voice was something of a squeak when she said, “I thought you weren’t speaking to me.”

“Oh no, no, no Lily – you’re the one who decided not to talk about anything. Remember? Or did you forget about leaving me there in the Great Hall, looking like an idiot?”

“I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.” She winced as she heard her voice – it had gone all hard and cool, the way it did when she felt exposed.

Clearly James was stung and his hands tightened on the chair. “Nothing? So did I miss something, or do you usually go around kissing people in public?”

“You certainly did!”

“That was last year.”

“Yeah – a whole six months ago. Completely irrelevant then, I assume. How foolish of me to think…”

His eyes were very dark in the shadows and Lily closed her mouth with a snap. His exploits in sixth year were something of a touchy subject with him, as she well knew.

It took him a moment or two to gather himself, and the silence was so dreadful that Lily was almost glad when he said, in a tone of forced calm, “Are you some kind of… Are you blind, Lily?”

And then he kissed her. Again.

This time it was different. He almost yanked her to him, so that her body was shoved up against his, and as their mouths touched, Lily felt herself sink into him. It was wonderful.

Nevertheless, she was hopping mad, and as soon as she could pull away long enough, Lily pushed him away from her. She stood up, her fists clenched at her sides, and said, “What on earth is the _matter_ with you?”

Slowly, he got to his feet, his eyes as furious as her own.

“What’s wrong with me? What about you?”

“What about me? Is there anything you want to say, James?”

“How are you just standing there, after…”

Lily stared at him, longing to just run up to her bed and bury her head in her pillow and never see him again. “How can you… Two minutes ago you were so angry I thought, and then… I don’t get it!”

His lip curled in a way that made her want to hit him. “It’s really not that complicated, Lily. You see, when a man and a woman…”

“Shut up!” Something in her was stricken at his words, and she actually felt tears prick her eyes. Why did he have to be so crude about something that felt… right? “I’m not talking to you.”

Lily was almost at the stairs when he caught her wrist and got her to turn. “Lily,” he said, “I’m sorry. I’m just… I felt like an idiot when you ran out before – don’t do it again. Please.”

She stared up at him, knowing that he must be able to see the one traitorous tear that had fallen. “I don’t understand.”

“What’s so hard to understand? I like you…”

“No, you don’t!” She almost laughed then, saved only by catching the look on his face. He looked almost insulted.

“How do you know? Maybe if you paid attention, you might have noticed.”

“Noticed what exactly?”

“Me! Standing around with my gob open all this time, just waiting… for you.”

“But… that’s just you. You’ve always been like that.” She felt as though she was clinging to one last thread of sense.

“Yeah well, you always had that bit of hair, you see?” And then his hand crept up to her face, to the one long lock she always wore down. “And it never seemed to grow, or change, and I kept looking at it, and that was… from first year practically.”

He wouldn’t stop looking at her, boring his eyes into hers, and Lily felt as though she couldn’t stand, as if the ground had been knocked from under her. “Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I’m surprised.” She patted his arm carefully. “I thought that was just your way and then, last year, with all those girls, well… It’s a bit confusing.”

“So. What does any of that matter, now?”

He looked so eager, so _happy_ , that Lily wondered what on earth she had said. She retreated a little from that ardent look on his face, she didn’t know how to think about it. “I never thought… I have to think. And go to bed.” She made a snap decision, and swooped down to kiss him on the cheek, so quickly he had no time to respond. “Goodnight, James.”

“Night, Lily.”

He looked as confused as she felt, and not a little disappointed, and Lily said the only thing she could think of at that moment. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

* * *

Lily groaned as she awoke. It was too early, far too early for the sun to be shining through the windows, and far, far too early for Dorcas to be sitting on her bed, bouncing with the curiosity.

Seeing her friend’s eyes open Dorcas said, “So? What happened?”

Lily ignored her, sitting up slowly and lifting one hand to her head. This must be how it felt to take a Bludger to the head. She had lain awake for hours the night before, desperately trying to get her head around what had happened, but she was just as bewildered this morning.

Dorcas touched her head gently, saying, “Lily? He looked like he was going to corner you last night…”

She nodded miserably. “He did.”

“So? What happened?”

Lily looked at her friend’s open face and thought that maybe, just maybe, Dorcas would be able to help her understand. She took a deep breath and said, “He was pretty angry.”

“Well… Yeah. You knew that was going to happen, right?”

Lily chewed on her lower lip. “I suppose, I just didn’t expect he’d be so… forceful.”

Dorcas caught her eye, and a moment later they were stifling their laughter in the bed sheets. It was some time before either of them was sober, and even then Dorcas had only to quirk an eyebrow and say “forceful” to send one or both of them off again.

Finally Dorcas asked, “But what else did he do?”

Lily blushed deeply and Dorcas whooped in delight. “He didn’t!”

“He did. Again. It’s very rude.”

“Yeah, Lily – that’s what you were thinking about. How rude he is.”

“Shut up.”

“So? What was it like?”

Lily couldn’t look at Dorcas as she said this, preferring to stare at her hands. “It was… I don’t know.”

“Oh no you don’t. I have no life of my own – I want _all_ the gory details.”

Seeing an opportunity Lily said, “I don’t know about that. Gaspard couldn’t keep his eyes off you the other night…”

Dorcas smacked Lily’s arm. “We’ve discussed this. I have never fancied Gaspard, and I will never fancy Gaspard.” Her tone was far less light-hearted when she said, “I save my heart for stupid Gryffindors, remember?”

“Dorcas, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, Lily – it’s not your fault. Now tell me about James.”

“Well…” And then she met Dorcas’ eyes full on, determined to be honest. “Just thinking about it… makes my skin tingle.”

“Oh Lily!” Dorcas clapped her hands in pleasure, her eyes shining. “What else?”

She had to laugh at her enthusiasm, but continued nonetheless. “Well, he said – he said he’d always liked me… since first year.”

“Really?”

“Cross my heart.”

“Wow. James Potter’s a romantic – who knew?”

“It surprised me.”

Dorcas looked surprised. “It did?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, last year…”

Dorcas shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think that means anything, Lily. I mean, it’s not like you haven’t kissed a couple of boys in your time, you know.”

“Yeah, but I’m not swearing eternal love.”

“Is that what he did?”

“No. You’re missing the point.”

“Lily, you know I love you, so don’t take this the wrong way – what is the point?”

“That, that’s not the same. It’s not like I fancy him.”

“You don’t?”

“No! It’s James, Dorcas.”

“Yeah, you mentioned. The guy who makes your skin tingle, I think?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re not the least bit attracted to him? Even a bit?”

“No. I mean, maybe… I don’t know.”

“Oh yeah. Clearly.”

Dorcas looked almost angry, and Lily ventured to say, “What’s wrong?”

She sighed, refusing to look at Lily. It was nearly a minute before she said, “It’s just… I’ve liked Sirius for, you know, a really long time, and that’s obviously not going anywhere, and now you have James, who you do like, at least I think you do, and I think you should go for it.” She took Lily’s hand. “I suppose, I’m a wee bit jealous. I’m really sorry.”

“That’s okay. Sirius is an idiot.”

Dorcas smiled and said, “I’d better go. I’ve got to post John’s present to him.”

“Will it get there in time?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “No idea. I’m not too certain where he is to be honest. Some island in the Caribbean, but I can’t remember which one.”

Lily laughed. “Well, at least you know he’ll be staying somewhere nice this summer.”

They grinned at each other and Dorcas left the room, picking up a small package as she went. Lily sighed, less confused after their talk, but uncertain as to what she should do next. After staring into space for a few minutes she grabbed her bath things, and made her way to the showers. Whatever she did, she was going to do it _clean_.

* * *

Her _Daily Prophet_ arrived when she returned to her dormitory, and Lily read it as she walked down the stairs:

> _Millicent Bagnold, Special Assistant to the Minister of Magic, confirmed rumours of a catastrophic defeat for Ministry forces, late yesterday evening. While little is known about the nature of the battle at this time, the_ Prophet _has been given to understand that as a result of the combat between Ministry forces, Death Eaters and several unknown others, Edgar Bones, an important wizard within the Ministry, and a member of the prominent pureblood Bones family, perished along with his wife and three children. Speculation is rife within Ministry circles as to what effect Edgar Bones’ death will have on the war effort (for detailed analysis see page six)._
> 
> _A young Auror also lost her life in what is believed to have been an attempt to rescue the children and bring them to safety. Her name has not yet been released to the Press, but the_ Prophet _can reveal that she was Roberta King, an experienced Auror, and former Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her parents and younger brother, Muggles living in the city of Liverpool, were informed of her death yesterday afternoon. The_ Prophet _wishes to extend its deepest sympathies to Miss King’s family and friends…_

Lily swallowed hard, sitting down on the sofa. She remembered Roberta, or Bobby, King vividly. The older girl had been very kind to her throughout her first year when Lily was still finding her feet. She had always thought of Roberta as just the kind of girl she wanted to be, so efficient, and capable, but kind with it. She wondered if traitors within the ranks had sent Roberta on the mission intentionally, because she was a Muggle-born, or if she had volunteered, or just stumbled into the battle.

Her thoughts flew to Gideon Prewett, another person she remembered vividly. Although she hadn’t known either of them well, she had seen the announcement of their engagement in the _Prophet_ six months before, and had sent them a card of congratulations. So there were two families destroyed because of this one clash.

She crumpled the paper in her hand and threw it in the fire. She hated this war so much; she hated the loss and the violence, and the terrible news that came each and every day without fail. And most of all, she hated that she couldn’t do a damn thing about it, couldn’t even do what Marlene was doing, which, as Lily knew, was little enough.

She stared at the pages burning in the fire for several minutes, wondering what, if anything, she was going to do when she finished school. She momentarily considered applying for the Auror programme, but even with the intensive training that had been introduced, it would still be a year and a half before she was able to do anything. And Lily had never pictured herself as an Auror. An Unspeakable maybe, but now was hardly the time to spend months studying the vast complexities of cause and effect, life, death, the universe and everything.

She was feeling altogether rather gloomy, but she had forgotten about her own tangled love life troubles, until James sat down beside her. She stared at him, and he swallowed, pushing his glasses up with his hand.

“Lily,” he said, “I’m really sorry about last night. I didn’t realise it might be a shock for you. I should have explained first, instead of…”

His voice trailed off, and Lily fought an urge to laugh. “Did Remus come up with that?”

He nodded, and Lily really did laugh this time. He took both her hands in his. “But he’s right, Lily – I didn’t think about how it might seem to you, I just assumed… So, if you don’t want to…”

James’ eyes actually held a trace of fear that she might reject him and Lily came to a sudden decision. She didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before; she didn’t know where this burst of inspiration had come from, but she followed it. She’d never been so sure that she was doing the right thing, and so, she leaned forward and kissed him firmly on the lips. He seemed to be in shock for a few moments, but eventually his hands lifted to cup her face, and he kissed her back.

Lily lingered for a few moments, before pulling away from him. He beamed at her and Lily felt herself smiling involuntarily. Still, she managed to collect herself enough to say, “I like you James. I just… needed to figure it out.”

She was completely unprepared for him to stand up, sweep her into his arms, and swing her round in a circle, but that wasn’t to say that she disliked it. He kissed her again and Lily found herself giggling, clinging to him, dizzy with happiness.

Eventually though she had to say, “Put me down, you prat! I want my breakfast.”

And so he did, and they made their way down to the Great Hall.


	5. Shock and Awe

#### 5: Shock and Awe

                   

“Sirius! Wait!”

Lily trotted after him, trying to ignore the stitch in her side, but he didn’t stop until she was completely out of breath. When he finally did his face was dark with fury. “Look, Evans, unless it’s important …”

Momentarily discomfited she reached out a hand to touch his forearm, and said, “What’s wrong?”

His eyes flashed as he said, “Well, I broke up with Veronica and my idiot brother just tried to curse me.”

“Oh – I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

He waved a hand dismissively. “I’m fine. He may have sprouted tentacles.”

She couldn’t help herself. “Well, it’s not all bad. Maybe you can find a girl with actual brains to go out with you.”

The look on his face was so odd she took half a step backwards – he had been in a funny mood lately. Sirius sighed and said, “All right Head Girl, what is it?”

She bit her lip. “It’s about James – I’m worried about him.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and gave her a measuring look. “Why?”

She hugged herself and said, “It’s … ever since his father died – he doesn’t talk much, he’s playing Quidditch like a maniac, I saw that thing he did with the Bludger you know, and I don’t know if I’m helping or making it worse … and don’t think I didn’t notice that you’re nearly as bad …”

Her voice trailed off, and she stared determinedly into the space beyond his right shoulder. Sirius’ voice was surprisingly gentle when he said, “You’ve never lost anyone have you?”

She shook her head. “No. All my grandparents died before I was born so … but I was there for Dorcas, and she … she talked about it.”

“Yeah, but that wasn’t the same. That was … sudden. James’ dad had been sick for a really long time. He knew this was coming.”

“It’s not fair.” Lily sniffed and continued. “But that’s not … could you talk to him? Just so he’ll stop killing himself.”

“Why don’t you?”

She struggled for words. “I think it’d just be better coming from you. You know him better than anyone – I’m just the girlfriend.”

Sirius looked mildly surprised and said, “I’ll talk to him. But you are helping, you know – you’re the one he wants to sit with.”

She smiled at him. “Thanks, Sirius.”

He looked as though he might say something when they were interrupted by Dorcas yelling, “Lily!”

She came running down the street, her scarf and hair flying out behind her. Her cheeks were glowing and her eyes sparkled, and from his sharp intake of breath, Lily could tell Sirius had noticed. Dorcas skidded to a halt in front of them, flushing lightly when Sirius touched her upper arm to steady her. “Sorry,” she said, “The queue in Scrivenshaft’s was unbelievable. Are you ready to go to the Three Broomsticks?”

Lily grinned. “Of course,” she said. “Will you join us, Sirius?”

With an overly casual air, he said, “Yeah sure. I think James and Peter are there.”

They linked arms with him as they walked through the streets, and Dorcas asked, “Where’s Remus?”

Sirius scowled. “I don’t know, he’s gone off somewhere.”

As they walked past the Post Office, Lily saw the owl with the Easter eggs for her parents taking off. She devoutly hoped that it wouldn’t aggravate Petunia too much; though Lily doubted she would ever suspend her hatred of magic so far as to actually taste the chocolate.

When they reached the pub Lily, dropped Sirius’ arm and broke into a run. After a moment Dorcas followed her, and they both accosted the tall, dark-haired girl lingering outside. “Marlene!”

The three girls formed a huddle, hugging and giggling, and they were too excited to separate until a tall, cheerful looking man said, “Are we going in then?”

Marlene broke away, saying, “Sorry, Dermot, I know it’s been ages – what were you two doing – anyway, you know Lily, and this is Dorcas.” They shook hands. “And Sirius. This is Dermot O’Hare.”

Sirius did a double take at that and said, “From Nimbus!”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Get used to it, Dermot – this lot will be asking for your autograph next.”

He grinned. “Well, in that case, let’s get right to it.”

He held the door open for them and as she walked in, Lily saw James sitting in the corner with Peter, looking morose. He smiled when he saw her and Lily hurried over to sit beside him, slipping her hand into his as she sat. He nodded to the others and said hello to Marlene. When she introduced Dermot, his response was the predictable, “From Nimbus,” with an additional “Do you know Devlin Whitehorn?” Lily would have laughed, but it was the first time she had seen him look truly animated in weeks.

As James, Sirius and Dermot began a Quidditch conversation, Lily leaned towards Marlene and said, “So, how come you didn’t write to us, or anything – not that I’m not glad to see you.”

Marlene blushed and bit her lip; Dorcas and Lily exchanged significant looks. They couldn’t ever remember her behaving like this. Slowly she slid her left hand across the table. There was something glittering. Lily was so surprised she said – no shouted, “You’re getting married!”

Marlene winced. “Thanks, Lily. Guess that’s everyone told.”

James laughed. “I don’t know, I’m not sure Madam Rosmerta heard – want me to go tell her?”

Lily looked at him sharply. “And why would you want to do that?”

He sat back, grinning disarmingly. “No reason at all – I already have the perfect girlfriend. She’s just a pleasant woman who sells Butterbeer.”

There was a loud groan around the table, but Lily leaned back to kiss him on the cheek, saying, “That’s a very good answer.”

Marlene laughed out loud. “I can’t believe you finally wore her down, James.”

Dermot looked confused and asked, “Why?”

Marlene looked at him affectionately. “You see, this is the girl who, at the end of her fifth year, stomped up to the dorm, said she hated him with the fire of a thousand suns, and punched a hole in the wall.”

Peter and Sirius gasped out loud and James said, “I annoyed you that much?”

Lily squirmed and said, “You … might have.”

Sirius grinned. “And you punched a hole in the wall.”

Dorcas laughed. “She made herself bleed.”

“Hey! Dorcas, you keep this up, and some of your stories are going to come out … like that time … in Paris.”

Dorcas shook her head fervently. “My lips are sealed.”

Sirius stared at her intently. “Come on,” he said, “how many deep, dark secrets can you two have?”

Lily didn’t like the direction this was taking, but Dorcas had it covered. “I’ll never tell.”

Sirius stretched out a hand to caress her cheek and said, “Not even under torture?”

Everyone was by now completely silent, and Dorcas had flushed the colour of a strawberry. She seemed to stiffen suddenly and she pulled away from him. “How’s Veronica?” she said tartly.

“I wouldn’t know. She hasn’t spoken to me in a week … Care to take her place, Meadows?”

Marlene winced and glanced at Lily. It came as no surprise to either of them when Dorcas stood up, flipped her hair over her shoulder, and said, “I have to go. I promised Gaspard I’d help him buy a present for his sister. Sorry your girlfriend dumped you, Sirius.”

And with that, and a slam of the door, she was gone. Marlene and Lily groaned, and Sirius sat back, looking as though he’d been hit over the head with a bat. Dermot let out a low whistle and said, “How long has _that_ been going on?”

Lily sighed. “About a year now.”

Sirius looked at her sharply. “No, it hasn’t!”

“Yes it has – ever since you became Potions partners.”

“Those were just creative differences.”

Marlene leaned over the table and patted Sirius on the cheek. “You know,” she said, “for a smart boy, you really don’t know anything about women.”

It was clear she’d hit a nerve, for Sirius sat back and said indignantly, “I’ve had lots of girlfriends.”

James nodded. “It’s true.”

“All the girls like Sirius,” Peter added.

Lily sighed, and Marlene said, “Look, if you _actually_ fancy a girl, you shouldn’t ask her out like a piece of meat. She has her pride you know. You have to woo her.”

Lily nodded, and said, “Honestly, I’d thought you’d have learned something from watching James mess it up for six years.”

James was momentarily roused from his torpor. “Hey, it worked in the end didn’t it?”

Lily smiled at him affectionately. “Yes, but I’m much less stubborn than she is. And you didn’t ask me out the day you broke up with your ex-girlfriend. Well, you did, but it was a joke.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Then you should be glad I thought it was, ‘cause it’s pretty insulting.”

Sirius snapped his fingers in front of her. “If you two are finished?”

Lily blushed, but said, “Look it’s not like you haven’t got competition. I mean … Gaspard …”

“Gaspard asked her out?”

“A lot.”

Sirius sounded outraged. “What’s he doing asking her out when I want to ask her out?”  
  
Marlene laughed. “That’s nice. Not at all arrogant.”

But he was not to be deterred. “How long has he liked her?”

Lily shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know – a long time. She only likes him as a friend, but who knows – in time …”

When he sat back in high dudgeon, Lily winked at Peter and James, before continuing, “And you know Gaspard’s smart and sensitive … and he always opens the door.”

“All right, all right, I get the point.”

A general silence fell as Sirius’ sulky face threw a pall over the table. It was only broken when Dermot slapped his forehead and said, “I was supposed to watch Dorcas fly today.”

Peter looked interested. “How come?” he said.

“We need to hire a test flier, a female one, and Marlene said she was pretty good.”

Peter’s voice piped up again. “Why does it have to be a girl?”

“Well, see, it’s a bit harder to design a broom that’ll work for women; the steering has to be a bit more responsive, you know.” When Peter looked confused, Dermot flexed a bicep jokingly. “Upper body strength. It’s not as easy for them to wrestle a broom into submission. You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you, Lily?”

She glared at him and was about to retort when something heavy collided with the top of her head. She took a moment to recover, having been knocked forward by the impact. As she righted herself she heard the door crash behind her and saw James glaring in that direction. He put a hand to her head tenderly and asked, “Are you all right?”

She smiled. “I’m fine. Just a bit dazed.”

Sirius’ voice was angry. “He did that on purpose.”

“Who?” Lily asked.

A look of distaste twisted Marlene’s face as she said, “Snape.”

“Oh. I probably should have expected something like that – after Wilkes and Rosier.”

Peter’s usually warm face seemed clenched with anxiety as he said, “You shouldn’t have done it – you have made an enemy of him, Lily.”

James scoffed. “That’s pathetic – they’re back now anyway. And they deserved it.”

He seemed more than usually angry, and Lily touched his arm gently, saying, “He was always going to hate me anyway. I’m a ‘Mudblood,’ remember?” In response to the shocked silence that greeted her little speech, she said, “Look, it’s just a word. If I let myself get upset every time – it’s what’s behind it that matters.”

Sirius goggled at her and Lily decided to change the subject. “Anyway, you should come for the match next week instead, Dermot. Then you’ll be able to see her play against another team, instead of on her own.”

Marlene leaned forward, cutting off his response as she said, “So, have _you_ figured out what you’re going to do yet?”

Lily shook her head, raising her hands in bemused resignation. “I haven’t a clue.” In a tone reminiscent of Professor McGonagall, she added, “It’s very serious you know, Miss McKinnon, that a witch of my age should have no purpose or direction in life.”

Marlene laughed and said, “And what about you lot?”

Sirius slapped James’ shoulder, saying, “We’re going to be Aurors.”

“That is, if you get the marks,” Lily said tartly, trying to ignore the surge of fear in her belly.

“And how about you, Peter?” Dermot said.

James grinned, “He’s working in the Prophet, Wormtail is.”

“Really? Which part?” asked Marlene.

“The printers,” Peter said. Lily thought he had a rather hangdog expression.

“That’s some complicated charm work,” Dermot said, “One of the lads in Nimbus used to work there.”

James looked impressed. “Wow, Peter, that’s really …” But whatever he was going to say was cut off by several piercing screams outside. They stared at each other for a moment in horror and then all stood and, as one, darted for the door. The scene that greeted them was horrific.

Several figures in dark robes aimed curses at fleeing students, one building had been demolished, but, worst of all, there was a giant, swinging two massive clubs at anything that moved. Lily paled, staring at a large knot of students clustered in front of Honeydukes. They were trapped by the giant ahead of them and had no way of getting back to Hogwarts.

Thinking quickly, she turned to Marlene, saying, “Go back inside. You have to Floo Dumbledore, or the Ministry, or … get in contact with someone.”

Marlene nodded, squeezing Lily’s hand and saying, “Be careful,” as she pulled Dermot back into the pub.

One problem solved, Lily turned back to the boys, only to find, to her horror, that Sirius and James had run off to do battle with the giant. She stared at this insanity, nearly driven to unreasoning panic for a moment, before grabbing Peter, who seemed in two minds about following them.

“Peter,” she said, “you need to help get that lot back.”

His lips were trembling, and his face was pale, but he nodded and said, “What do you want me to do?”

She smiled at him encouragingly, but had to pull him down suddenly to dodge a Stunning spell that came dangerously close to hitting them. “Listen,” she said, “see all of them running back to the school? They’re panicking; they’re tripping over each other. You can Apparate right?”

“Yeah, but not …”

“Great. Get over there, calm them down and get them moving. Keep seventh-years at the back, especially people who are good at Defence.”

He looked terrified. “Lily,” he said, “I can’t.”

As she watched the barman of the Hog’s Head duck three curses at once, Lily knew she had no time for this. “You can,” she said earnestly, “now … Remus!”

Thankfully, Remus joined them as soon as she called, and Lily left the task of reassuring Peter to him, taking her wand in hand. “What are _you_ doing?” Peter asked.

“I’m stopping them from getting themselves killed,” she said, pointing at James and Sirius, “and then I’m getting everyone else out of here.”

As she turned to go, Remus grabbed her upper arm with surprising strength, whispering urgently, “Lily, there’s a tunnel in the Honeydukes basement that’ll bring you back to the school. They both know where to find it.”

Lily grinned at this unexpected good news and kissed him quickly on the cheek. “Now both of you, go!” she cried. Quickly, she turned and started to make her way through the melee, Stunning one Death Eater and body-binding another. She used a Banishing hex on a third, who flew across the street, slammed into a wall and slid to the ground, unconscious. She was shocked when his mask slipped off to reveal the chiselled, coldly handsome features of Lucius Malfoy, the Head Boy from her very first year.

Shaking her head at this discovery, Lily ran the final few feet to where James and Sirius were throwing ineffectual spells at the giant. Fear and fury combining to freeze her veins, she yanked at James’ arm. “What are you doing!” she screamed.

He looked as angry as she was when he turned around, but all three of them had to duck when a large explosion rocked just behind them. Once it was safe for them to stand up, Lily saw something that almost made her heart stop beating as she felt herself sway from shock; a figure with golden-brown hair slumped in the door of the apothecary.

“Dorcas!” she screamed, recognising the scarf, but her friend did not move.

James and Sirius had turned to see where she was, Sirius’ head moving so fast Lily feared for a moment he would suffer from whiplash. He gave Lily a brief nod and turned to battle his way over to the apothecary. Lily breathed a sigh of relief – whatever else he was, Sirius was a brilliant wizard, and she knew there was no way on earth he would let any more harm come to Dorcas – and pulled on James’ hand, saying, “We have to go – now.”

His face was incredulous as he said, “Someone has to fight these people!”

“You’re Head Boy – you’ve got to help me get the others back to Hogwarts.”

“They won’t be able to get back if I don’t hold this giant off.”

“I won’t let you kill yourself, James!” she shouted, feeling tears prick her eyes.

His mouth fell open, and he actually took a step back from her in shock, but Lily took advantage of this momentary lapse, and, grabbing his hand, Apparated them both directly in front of the group of students outside Honeydukes.

James pulled away from her furiously, but his expression changed when he saw the younger students staring at them gratefully. “All right,” he said through gritted teeth, “what’s the plan?”

“We bring them out through the tunnel.”

“Okay. Good idea.” He raised his voice, and started directing the students, his tone the epitome of mature authority, though Lily could tell he had to strain to maintain it. As he commanded them, Lily scanned the area around them. Thankfully, they were rather far from the centre of the fighting, all participants doing their best to avoid the giant, who was busy demolishing a row of cottages, but it never hurt to be careful.

Lily guessed there were nearly a hundred students with them, plus at least twice as many on the road between Hogwarts and the village. She prayed that the rest were all right, though there was no knowing how many had snuck off into the woods for a moment of privacy. She had rather planned on asking James to do just that later.

As the last of them filed in, he turned to her and said, “Wait a few minutes for stragglers?”

“Yeah. I’ll send up red sparks.”

They leaned against the doorjamb, wands in hand, and James glanced at her nervously before saying, “How’d you know about the tunnel?”

She shrugged. “Remus told me.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

“It’s just … he was supposed to keep it a secret – not that he was wrong to …”

“It was only just now.”

“Okay.”

Lily sighed – obviously her outburst had upset him. They stood in almost complete silence for the next ten minutes, during which Gretta Catchlove arrived, half carrying her younger sister, as well as protecting two other girls, followed by Buckely Cooper, and last of all Gaspard Shingleton ushering a large group of fourth-years, and gazing fearfully behind him. “Lily,” he gasped, “I don’t know where Dorcas is – we got separated.”

James gestured at him sharply. “Sirius is getting her. Now get that lot inside.”

By this stage the battle had come worryingly close, though Aurors had arrived and actually seemed to be winning. Lily glanced at James – he nodded, and they were about to get going when Sirius Apparated in front of them, clutching a still unconscious Dorcas. He slumped to one side almost immediately, groaning out the words, “I tripped. Did something to my knee.”

James propped him up, while Lily bent to check Dorcas’ pulse. “That’s all?” he said.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. It’s fine.”

Satisfied her friend was all right, Lily said, “We really need to go.”

James nodded and bent to pick Dorcas up, carrying her over his shoulder. Lily couldn’t help raising an eyebrow. “Do you carry everyone that way?” she said.

“Very funny.”

He went through the door, and Lily gestured to Sirius. He shook his head. “It’s fine, Lily, really.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” she admonished him. “You can barely stand.”

Briefly, he seemed to consider arguing, but gave in quickly, slinging one arm over her shoulders. She staggered momentarily under the weight – he was a good bit taller than her, and quite broad with it, unlike James, or even Remus – but she gritted her teeth and got moving.

* * *

Hours later they sat in the hospital wing. It turned out that Dorcas had caught the tail end of one of the giant’s more powerful swings, which had sent her careening into the apothecary door. Madam Pomfrey said that the impact had actually been fairly gentle, for a giant, but even so, between the club and the oaken door of the apothecary, she had sustained four broken ribs, a fractured collarbone and a concussion. The nurse said it was a miracle she hadn’t punctured a lung the way James had carried her and insisted on her staying the night for observation.

Dorcas had chafed at the restriction, but Sirius had quelled her with a single look. Lily eyed the pair of them curiously – she’d never seen _that_ happen before, though, given the pained intensity with which he’d stared at her bed while Madam Pomfrey worked, she probably shouldn’t have been surprised. Dorcas had exasperatedly confessed that Gaspard had attempted to kiss her once again, with the telling comment of, “Honestly, Lily, I’m not _that_ good-looking.”

She was asleep now, as it was quite late, but they still sat around her bed. None of them had eaten, though Peter had offered to go to the kitchens, and Marlene had already left for mysterious, though apparently urgent, reasons. They’d been sitting in silence for several minutes when Professor Dumbledore joined them. He sat down stiffly and Lily saw how tired he looked.

“I am very proud of you. All of you,” he said, the sincerity plain in his voice. “You responded to the crisis better than I could have imagined. I did not think Lord Voldemort …” – a shudder ran around the room – “would attack Hogsmeade again so soon, and his objective, I must confess, at this point eludes me. Nonetheless, you have achieved much, so much so that … well, I shall discuss this with you later.”

Lily glanced at James – the Headmaster was not usually so frank. James appeared to share her confusion, for he said, “Sir, what will we discuss later?”

Dumbledore smiled. “All in good time, Mr Potter. Suffice to say, I would not ask it of you at present. Now, may I suggest you all get some sleep, as Miss Meadows has so wisely chosen to do – you have had a most trying day.”

They took this as their cue to leave, and saying goodnight to the Headmaster, left the hospital wing. The others sped off to the kitchens, but James hung back, pulling Lily into an alcove. He took several deep breaths, and touched her face for reassurance, before he seemed able to say, “About earlier …”

There was a look of desperate striving on his face as he searched for words, and, taking pity on him, Lily said, “When I said …”

“Yeah, that. It’s just, do you really think …?”

Lily put a hand to his face, stroking his cheekbone with her thumb. She kept her tone as gentle as possible as she said, “I shouldn’t have yelled it at you like that, but, yeah, I do a little. You’ve been scaring me a bit to be honest.”

James looked horrified and said quickly, “I would never …”

“I know James, it’s just … I … I really like you, you know, and I don’t want anyone killing you except me.”

She tried to speak lightly, tried to hide the true meaning of her words, but she’d never felt so vulnerable, and when she looked in his eyes, she could tell he knew it. So, rather than face the words he might, or might not say, she kissed him, feeling such a tangle of fear and desire and exhaustion and … love that she thought she might faint. Lily hung on to his body, his shoulders an anchor for her as her head swirled, and she had struggled against confusion and dizziness. But perhaps he felt the same, for he clung just as fervently, pulling her ever closer …

They were interrupted by Professor McGonagall’s indignant shout, “Miss Evans! Mr Potter!” They turned to her, shame-faced, prepared for a lecture. “Honestly, I appreciate that you have had a stressful day, but that is no excuse. I may have caught Mr Potter before, but I thought you at least, Miss Evans, had learned to be more discreet, though I understand Mr Potter is irretrievably exuberant.”

She glared at them, with a stare that could melt iron, and James said, “Sorry, Professor. Won’t happen again.” But though his voice sounded sincere, James still held her hand, and there was a distinct twinkle in his eye.

Professor McGonagall was witheringly sceptical. “Really, Mr Potter? I should be extremely surprised if that is the case. Now get back to your common room.”

Blushing, they did as they were told.


	6. Three Sang of Love

#### 6: Three Sang of Love

 

Lily stared at the photo aghast.  Usually she liked dresses; she’d even been known to wear them on occasion but _this_ … it was the most terrifying concoction of lavender _frills_ she’d ever seen.  Apparently Petunia had requested that she wear it, and although she was not a bridesmaid, Lily was nonetheless bound by her will.  Her mum had suggested it might make an effective peace offering, and, knowing how much the rift within the family bothered her, Lily knew she would wear it, although it would probably be ineffective.  She and Petunia simply didn’t get on and there was nothing she could do about it. 

Still, at least Petunia had relented enough to allow James to attend the wedding, though Lily rather thought some arm-twisting had to have been involved.  She was rather worried about the impact James would have on her.  He didn’t really know what to expect; it had taken so much begging and pleading to convince him to come at all that Lily had been too exhausted to explain about her sister.  She’d tried to talk to him about it, but every time she tried the words stuck in her throat. He was so exhausted from exams, staring dozily at his breakfast plate, that it was easy to make excuses not to tell him.

Eventually she set the photo down and crushed it under her plate, determined not to think about the wedding, or anything related to her sister.  She was going to enjoy her last day at Hogwarts, come hell or high water.  Still, she cut into her French toast rather viciously as she listened to Dorcas and Sirius’ conversation. 

They’d been getting on much better lately, studying Potions together, taking long walks and discussing ‘Quidditch’ until the early hours of the morning, but that didn’t mean the tension between them had lessened at all.  Dorcas had confessed, in a tone of great frustration, that Sirius had yet to make a move.  Nonetheless, Lily enjoyed seeing them together and the happiness in Dorcas’ voice when she talked to him.

“No,” Dorcas said now, “I’m not going for too long – not even two months.  I don’t start in Nimbus until September, so it’s just easier.”

Sirius sounded sceptical.  “Yeah, but how do we know you won’t just up and decide to move to Cuba, now that you don’t have to come back?  And isn’t two months a little long to be spending with your brother?”

Dorcas laughed, and said in a teasing tone, “I’m not going to abandon you Sirius … or Lily, or my gran.  It’s just that’s where he’s living right now.”

“Why does he move around so much anyway?”

“He’s an experimental Herbologist, so … he follows the interesting plants.”

“It’s not like they can walk.”

“Well, actually, they’re working on a breed called triffids … but he says they’ll only be for research.”

“Oh.”

Lily looked up at this long pause to see Dorcas chewing on her lower lip and Sirius staring determinedly at the Ravenclaw table.  Their silence was utterly painful, and only broken, after many moments, by Dorcas saying haltingly, “So … Slughorn’s last party is tonight … just for seventh years …” Her voice trailed off hopefully, but Sirius said nothing, and she had to keep talking.  She licked her lips, swallowed and said, “We’re allowed to bring guests … so … I was wondering … if you’d?”

Sirius looked at her sharply and Dorcas immediately fixed her eyes on her bowl of porridge.  He looked genuinely regretful, but also strangely elated as he said, “I can’t – I’m really sorry, it’s just … I promised Remus …”

“Oh, it’s fine.”

“Honestly, I’d really have liked to …”

“Really!  It’s fine.”

Dorcas however _sounded_ completely mortified, and after a long, even more painful silence Sirius stood up sharply and strode away, his handsome face twisted in a dark expression.  Lily risked a look at her friend, who was wiping away one errant tear.  “Honestly,” she said, “I don’t know why I bother, it’s just useless, he doesn’t …”  She cut herself off and took a few deep breaths. 

James, finally completely awake, looked concerned as Lily said, “I’m really sorry Dorcas, but look, at least you know he wanted to go with you.”

Dorcas laughed sceptically.  “Come on, Lily,” she said, “You know he was only saying that.”

Rather unexpectedly, James said, “No, he wasn’t.  He doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean.”

Dorcas sighed disbelievingly, and after a few moments said, “Don’t be angry, Lily, but … I don’t think I’ll go tonight.”

Lily couldn’t contain herself.  “You have to go!  Everyone will be there.”

“It’s going to be all couples, with you two, and Roisín and Kumar, and Ann and Arnold and … I’d just feel like the odd one out.  And Gaspard’ll be there, and you _know_ he’ll drink too much Butterbeer, and try to kiss me again and …”

Lily was at a loss for words, even though she thought Dorcas was completely wrong.  James, however, slung an arm around her shoulders saying, “Come on, you have to go.  It won’t be a party if you’re not there.  It’s the last night after all; you hardly want to miss that.  And I promise I’ll stick to you like glue all night, like some scowling older brother; Gaspard won’t be able to get near you.”

Dorcas smiled at him, though she seemed reluctant.  Eventually however, she grinned and said, “All right then.”

Lily stared at James, thinking that she had never wanted to kiss him so much as at this moment.

*          *          *

The party was wonderful as they all fell to reliving the best moments of their years at Hogwarts; Dorcas and Lily drank too much Butterbeer though, and ended the night by crying over the impending separation and declaring their mutual affection.  James had to carry an unstable Lily back to the common room; she didn’t want to tell him that she’d actually been perfectly able to walk, but had just liked the feeling of being snuggled in his arms.

He teased them both rather unmercifully the next day as they sat on the train, Lily in particular nursing a vicious headache.  It had almost been a relief though, as the tension that bristled between Dorcas and Sirius threatened to prevent any conversation, and Remus looked more ill than usual.  Lily could have kissed Peter when he suggested a game of gobstones, though she had to rethink this emotion when she was sprayed with the usual foul smelling liquid.

Saying goodbye to Dorcas had been difficult, times being what they were.  At least this summer they would be able to keep in contact by owl post, as Petunia was moving out.  Lily would have appreciated that event more, had it not required the marriage.  As far as she could tell, Vernon Dursley had no redeeming qualities whatsoever, unless one counted his money; she was dreading the moment when he met James.

In fact, Lily found the whole idea of James at her sister’s wedding so bizarre that she couldn’t really process it.  He’d insisted on leaving early for some mysterious reason, but Lily had been too happy at having companionship to question him.

Lily pecked Remus on the cheek as she heard Sirius say, “So, do you have time for a Butterbeer?”

Dorcas stared at him, but jumped when they heard the clock ringing out the time and shook her head.  “I have to go get my Portkey,” she said, “They’ve put all kinds of checks in, I have to get there early.  I really should be there already.”

Sirius nodded, not taking his eyes off her face, and suddenly Dorcas let go her trunk and wrapped her arms around him, kissing him on the cheek.  His arms locked around her, and Lily saw him close his eyes as he held her tight.  Eventually though Dorcas had to pull away from him, her cheeks rosy; her eyes were slightly damp as she said, “I’ll see you when I get back?”

Sirius nodded, still staring at her.  Dorcas seemed to drink it in, before remembering herself; looking away she said, “Bye, Lily – don’t let Petunia get you down.”

Lily nodded.  “Of course.  Write to me soon, all right?”

Dorcas nodded and after saying goodbye to Remus, Peter and Kumar and Roisín, she Disapparated.

It was several minutes before Lily could work up the courage to leave platform nine and three quarters, though she knew her parents were waiting for her outside.  It was magic to her, it was the gateway to another world, and stupidly, she felt as if leaving it for the last time would cut her off from that world forever. 

Lily actually felt tears pricking her eyes, and even though she felt ridiculous, and Sirius and Peter made fun of her, she couldn’t help but be glad that James put his arm around her as they walked through the barrier.  A smile broke across her face when she saw her parents, and she ducked out from under his arm to wave at them. 

They walked to join them, James looking rather nervous and having to endure his friends’ rather comic suggestions for how to behave himself in a Muggle home.  Fortunately however her parents took to him immediately and the drive home went quite fast, as James asked her father how cars worked.

Dinner that evening however was horrendous, as Petunia refused even to acknowledge James or Lily, and Vernon Dursley attempted to impress her mother by talking about his most recent success in the drilling industry.  When he finally left and Petunia went to bed, Lily couldn’t restrain a sigh of relief. 

They’d had dinner as soon as they got in, so she smiled at James and said, “Will I show you your room?”

He followed her up the stairs quickly, using a charm to move his trunk.  He was sleeping in the guest room, which was the most boring room in the house, with plain white walls and no bookshelves.  Lily walked to the bed, busily explaining where the bathroom was, and where he could hang his suit, all the while desperately aware that this was the first time she’d ever been in close proximity to a bed with James.

He shut the door with a soft click.  Lily felt something like panic surge through her stomach, and she didn’t move.  James leaned back against the door with a sigh and said, “Thank god that’s over.”

She sighed and sat down.  “Was it that bad?”

“Well, I didn’t hex anyone, did I?”

Lily looked up at him and restrained a laugh.  He smiled, and moved to sit beside her, taking one of her hands in his.  “I like your parents,” he said, “They’re not nearly as scary as I thought.”

For some reason, Lily felt like she was going to cry as he reached a hand up to stroke her hair and continued, “And I like your house, and your car, and everything Lily …”

She had to blink back tears when he kissed her.

Gradually they fell back onto his bed, and although this was the first time in weeks that they’d had so much privacy, Lily simply couldn’t relax.  She kept thinking of Petunia’s face, hard as stone.  She hated that her sister could still upset her this way, could still make her want to cry – she hadn’t done anything wrong!  Lily was a witch, it was right for her to learn to harness and use that power and it wasn’t _fair_ that Petunia should hold it against her.

James seemed to sense her distraction, for he pulled away from her quickly and said, “Okay, what is the problem?  You’ve been off all night …”

Lily couldn’t meet his eyes, and fortunately at that moment she heard her mother call for her.  She leaped off the bed, and said, “I better go – I’ll see you in the morning.”  She barely heard him say goodnight as she raced out the door.

*          *          *

Lily slept badly that night, her frazzled nerves not helped by an unfortunate encounter with James while she was wearing her nightdress as she walked to the bathroom.  The next morning dawned bright and beautiful, and Lily felt nauseous.  She was feverishly struggling with James’ tie when the _Daily Prophet_ arrived.  James paid the owl while Lily checked her make-up in the mirror and made sure she had everything she needed in her handbag.  She couldn’t help but think that he looked very odd in a Muggle suit and tie, but dashed the thought away impatiently.  He sat on the bed reading the paper while she hunted for her shoes.

She heard him gasp and let out a low whistle.  “What is it?” she said.

“Bertha Jorkins has been arrested.”

“What?”  Lily took the paper out of his hands to glance at it.  “Why?”

“On suspicion of passing information to the Death Eaters.”

“But that’s … Bertha passes information to everyone, it’s not as if anyone would tell her anything important.  She’s an idiot.”

James shrugged his shoulders, though his voice was bitter.  “But that doesn’t matter to them, does it?  They’ll just toss her into Azkaban until the trial.”

Lily shuddered; she’d never met one of the Azkaban guards and she had no desire to, for all that she could conjure a powerful Patronus.  James continued.  “And with the Dementors guarding her, she’ll be lucky if she’s sane by the time of the trial.”

Lily had put a hand on his shoulder, searching for something to say, when she noticed Petunia standing in the doorway.  Although Lily didn’t love the dress, Petunia did look quite lovely; until she snapped, “Do you have to talk about _that_ here?”

Lily made a conciliatory gesture – she really didn’t want a scene in front of James – and for good measure added, “You look beautiful Petunia.”

Her sister raised an eyebrow.  “Do I?” she said.  “We’re leaving in a minute – you’re going in the _other_ car.”

And with that she was gone.  Lily stood for a moment, feeling the all too familiar mixture of anger, frustration and hurt roil inside her, before turning around to James, saying, “We should go downstairs.”

He stood up, looking concerned, and put one hand on her shoulder, smoothing the other down her cheek.  “Is she always like that?” he said.

“Like what?” Lily said, in a falsely bright voice.  “She’s just got nerves, you know, with the wedding and everything.”  She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t stand to see James look so kind – she didn’t even know how to talk about her relationship with her sister.  Feeling something swell in her throat, Lily turned away from him and walked down the stairs; she heard James’ quick footsteps behind her.

The wedding ran smoothly, though it was extremely dull; the flowers were pretty, the bridesmaids looked ridiculous, and Vernon Dursley’s mother cried.  Lily worked hard to restrain her yawns, and avoided all the curious stares she received from the guests, clinging to James’ hand.  Just as they exchanged the rings, Lily sneezed loudly, earning a glare from her sister

The reception was even worse.  Lily and James were seated at the top table, but as far from Petunia as possible, which, unfortunately, meant that they were seated beside Vernon’s sister Marge, who kept glancing at Lily as though she was somehow dangerous.  Every time Lily spoke to her, she would flinch and look around for rescue.  Eventually, Lily gave in and talked only to James, though even their conversation was strained.

The worst moment of all was when Petunia joined them for a moment, and informed Lily that she had told all of Vernon’s relatives that she was receiving treatment at a far away mental hospital, and had been allowed out for the wedding.  Suddenly all the strange glances Lily had received made sense, though Petunia’s breathtaking lack of shame in explaining made Lily’s blood boil.

Still, it was her wedding day, and they were in public, so Lily swallowed her rage and contented herself with grinding her dessert into paste.  James was seething beside her, and finally he said, “Lily, what is … what’s wrong with your sister?”

Lily managed to meet his eyes, though her grin was pasted on.  “I don’t know what you mean,” she said.

He actually looked angry with her as he said, “What she told people, that’s horrible…”

Lily struggled for an explanation.  “They’re Muggles, James – we can’t tell them the truth.”

“So she told them you’re insane?  She couldn’t come up with something a little less insulting?”

Lily stared across the room, trying not to think about it too much.  It wouldn’t help.  James put his hand on hers, and she looked over at it, blinking away tears.  “Look,” she said, “can we leave it?”  There was a hitch in her voice, and his eyes widened suddenly.  James stared at her, and seemed to try and say something comforting, before giving up and clasping her hand to his chest.

Lily hung her head as the speeches began, clinging on to James’ hand as hard as she could.  Her only sister had married a truly despicable man, and even though Petunia hated her, Lily wished that she could at least have shared in her apparent happiness.  Once, many years before, they had played together on a sandy beach, and splashed the seawater at each other, and now they were rigid, never speaking, never talking.  And for all of Petunia’s prejudices, it wasn’t entirely her fault.  Lily always gave as good as she got, which had probably significantly increased the number of times they had clashed down through the years.

She stared at her lap all through the best man’s ‘hilarious’ speech, struggling with her inner turmoil, which threatened to set her off bawling.  Although that mightn’t have been considered completely inappropriate, given the rumours of her insanity and the fact that it was a wedding.   Lily attempted to distract herself by counting the number of jokes that were made about drills.  There were twenty-seven.

She noticed James checking his watch during the speeches, and, sure enough, he stood up as soon as they were finished.  He kissed her quickly, but firmly, on the cheek and said, “I’m really sorry, Lily, but I have to go.”

Lily stared at him.  In all the drama that surrounded the wedding, she had completely forgotten that he had to leave early.  Thinking of the hours ahead before she would be able to do the same, she shrank a little, and couldn’t help but look at him pleadingly.  James looked pained and glanced at his watch again before saying, “I _have_ to, Lily.”

She nodded, dully.  “I know,” she said, her voice extremely subdued.  “It’s all right – I’ll be fine.”

James shook his head and said, “I can … sort something out – I might be able to come back.”

Lily shook her head.  If he couldn’t stay, he couldn’t stay, and she wasn’t going to ask him to if he didn’t want to.  A momentary resolve filling her, she lifted her chin and said, “Really – don’t worry.  Have fun.”

Perhaps there had been an unpleasant tone in her voice, though she hadn’t meant it, for James’ face filled with guilt.  She managed to smile up at him, and said, “Please, go – I don’t want you to be late.”

James kissed her gently on the forehead and then made his way to the men’s toilets as quickly as possible.  Lily shook her head; he was going to Apparate in a Muggle hotel.  At least she could be certain he wouldn’t splinch himself.

Her mum noted this and sent her a questioning glance, but Lily was too tired to do anything more than shrug her shoulders.  It was going to be a long evening.

*          *          *

The festivities were almost over, the cake had been cut, and Lily was making her way over to a bunch of giggling girls, having received a sharp glance from her mother.  Petunia was about to throw the bouquet, and there was a lot of laughter among the various school friends and Dursley cousins.  Lily was just about to insert herself safely in the back of the huddle, when Petunia looked at her maliciously, and then said, in a clear, carrying voice, “Lily’s far too much of a _feminist_ to want to get married.”

Lily gaped – although Petunia hated _her_ , she hadn’t expected her to attack the politics to which their mother had always been so vocally and passionately dedicated, in such an obvious way.  Thankfully, her Mum hadn’t heard, and, giving up, Lily made her way over to her father.  Tapping him on his shoulder she said, “Look, do you mind if I go now?”

He looked at her unhappily.  “Lily, your mother and I … we can’t drive you home.”

She smiled.  “I know, but … it’s not that hard, Dad.  I have my license now …”  She attempted to convey Apparition with a hand gesture, “And I’m really tired.  Petunia won’t mind.”

“Are you sure, love?”

“Yeah.  I’ll just get my bag.”

“Right.  Where’s James gone?”

Lily tensed – she’d been dreading this explanation.  “He had to do something, so …”

Her dad slid his spectacles back up his nose and nodded, saying, “I’ll tell your mother.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

Moving as quickly as possible, Lily retrieved her handbag and made her way out of the hotel and down a back lane.  She thought she heard a cat shriek as she flicked her wand, though she hadn’t seen one. 

She Apparated directly into her room, and sank on to her bed gracelessly.  Burying her head in a pillow, she allowed a few tears to leak out, as she indulged her self-pity.  No one had spoken to her at the wedding, all thoroughly warned that she was a mutant, a freak … Lily shook her head.  She was _not_ going to dwell on Petunia’s well-aired objections to her. 

Slowly, she stood up.  It seemed to take an immense effort to reach up and undo the zip of her dress, and an unutterable weariness surged through her muscles.  She would sleep; it would help.  Something had to.

Lily left her dress in a heap on the floor, and mechanically went to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth.  She was _not_ going to break down and cry.  When she reached her room she yanked on an old tee shirt and flopped onto her bed. Petunia was laughing, dancing with her new husband and talking to her friends, and all the time feeling magnificently glad that her sister _wasn’t_ there.

Sighing, Lily reached under her bed, and pulled out the old teddy bear Petunia had ‘given’ her for her fifth birthday.  She cuddled it to her stomach, but even with that small comfort it took her a long time to fall asleep.  Eventually, she gave in and stood up to close the curtains – the moonlight that flooded the room was keeping her awake.

Once she did find sleep however, it was of the deep, heavy kind that settles over one like a thick blanket.  She didn’t even dream.

A loud crack woke her up, groaning, in the grey half-light of dawn.  Still two-thirds asleep, Lily pulled herself into a sitting position, fumbling for her wand.  After a moment, she became painfully aware of two things.  Firstly, she didn’t know where her wand was, having dumped everything rather unceremoniously the night before, and secondly, her hair was in its usual morning tangle, her tee shirt had ridden up her legs, and James was standing at the end of her bed.

She rubbed her eyes, and looked up at him; he seemed elated, and his stance shifted with far more excitement than seemed decent at such an early hour.  Putting one hand to her head, Lily said, “What are you doing here?”

He gestured with his hand, and Lily saw, of all the most ridiculous things, a rather withered, pitiful looking water lily in his left hand.  Lily moaned, and said, “If you woke me up for that sad thing …”

James sat down on the bed, grinning at her.  “Come on,” he said, “I’m trying to be romantic.”

Lily’s voice was still husky with sleep as she said, “James, it’s a quarter to five in the morning.  It’s no time for romance.”

He hung his head, pretending to be sorry, and said, “I thought it might cheer you up a bit.”

“What would cheer me up is sleep, James.”

“Okay.”

“What are you so excited about anyway?”

He shook his head.  “I’m afraid I can’t tell you, Lily.”

She gaped at him.  “Come on, James, it had to have been something pretty important for you to leave.”

James’ face was guilty, and said, “Look, Lily, I can’t …”

“No.  Course not.”  She couldn’t keep the shortness out of her tone, and she saw his eyes narrow.

“Look,” he said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t – it’s not my secret.”

“That’s fine.”  Lily wanted to throw something at him – anything that would make him leave.  “I can’t expect you to tell me anything.”

James stood up angrily, crossing his arms over his chest.  “You can’t expect me … what about you?  What was all that at the wedding – with your sister?  You wouldn’t even talk about it.”

“Well, why should I?  It’s not your business what happens in my family.”

“So what does it matter then – why did you spend half that wedding looking as if you were about to start crying!”

“It’s nothing to do with you!”

James was furious now, and his voice was low and deadly as he said, “Oh, yes, it is – unless I’m completely mistaken about why I’m in your bloody room.”

Lily stood up to face him, saying, “Well, since you _left_ , I don’t see that it matters all that much to you, does it?”

“Maybe if you’d told me why it mattered so much, I might have seen my way to staying; but, no, you don’t want to tell me anything, do you?”

“Fine – you want to know?”

Some of the anger seemed to seep out of him at this, and he said, “Yes.”

“She _hates_ me!  Ever since I got my Hogwarts letter, she’s hated me.  She thinks I’m a freak … a mutant, that’s what it’s all about, and …” Tears and phlegm were making her voice thick and shaky, and Lily had to swallow to clear her throat.  Taking a deep breath, she reached for the anger that might at least distract her from the pain she felt.  “You don’t know what she’s like – you think what she said was bad?  She’s like that _all_ the time, but I had to go to the wedding.  And I knew, I knew it was going to be awful, but … and I’m _sorry_ I didn’t tell you about her, James, but I don’t even know how to _talk_ about it.  And, I thought maybe if you were there, it wouldn’t be so …”

By the end, Lily could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, the snot stuffing up her nose, and she had to turn away from him.  She sat down on the bed slowly, hugging herself.  She couldn’t stand this – why he’d had to come at such an hour, and demand answers on such a subject…

James hunkered down in front of her, trying to meet her eyes, but she couldn’t look at him.  She’d never wanted him to know about Petunia – it hurt too much.  Finally, he took her chin in his hand and lifted her face up.  She could see something burning in his eyes, but she was far too overwrought to care.  Still, Lily met his gaze levelly, and finally James looked away, sighing.

“Look,” he said, “I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have … I should have guessed there was something.  It’s just – I didn’t just leave for some stupid thing, Lily.”

She nodded, dumbly.  “It’s complicated,” he said, “And I probably shouldn’t tell you but … promise not to turn us in?”

Lily looked at him quizzically. 

“Okay,” he said, “okay.”  James seemed nervous, and he sat down beside her on the bed, rubbing his knees for a few minutes before saying, “Well, you remember about Remus?”

“He’s a werewolf?”  
  


James gave a half-laugh, and said, “Yeah.  Well, he’s always been really … paranoid about that – thinks people’ll hate him.”

Lily felt so strung out that she couldn’t respond with her usual vigour, but, through a yawn, she managed to say, “That’s just stupid.”

James grinned at her and she had to blink back tears.  “Anyway,” he said, “he hates it – being a wolf, once a month, and once we realized that, well … we decided to do something about it.”

He was trying to draw her in, catch her interest, she could tell, but she felt so drained that she could only manage to say, “What did you do?”

He grinned at her, and said, “We became Animagi, Lily.”

She gasped.  “I don’t understand.”

“When we’re animals, we’re not in danger with him, so … we figured it out in fifth year.”

“But … how?”

James leaned back, a slightly smug smile on his face. “We’re smart.  Well, maybe not Peter, but … you should have seen him, Lily, he worked at it twice, no three times as hard as Sirius and me, just trying again and again, all for Remus.”

James was an Animagus.  That made him one of the most powerful wizards of the century, almost guaranteed to make an impact on the wizarding world, and she was weeping over her bigoted sister.  She managed to smile at him, but his face fell, when all she said was, “That’s brilliant, James.”

After a moment she managed to add, “I’m really impressed.”

James touched the back of her head gently, saying, “Look, Lily, that’s my one deep, dark secret, I swear.  It’s all out now.”

She nodded.  “I know.”  Stupidly, she was sure she was going to cry again.  She looked away from him, at the Hogwarts letter that hung on her wall.  Her lips trembled as she said, “I really want to sleep.”

Out of the corner of her eye she could see him nod.  “Okay.”

“And you’re probably really tired.  You should go home.”

Her voice sounded very sad and distant, and James looked at her sharply.  Lily knew he could see the tears standing in her eyes.  “Look, Lily …” he began, but she cut him off.

“Could you please go?”

He stood up, looking confused, but the expression on his face firm.  “I won’t leave you when you’re upset.”

“James, please – just …”

Their eyes met then, and after a moment or two he seemed to realise that she meant what she said.  He kissed her cheek, and pulled away slowly, as if judging the effect.  When James saw her lack of reaction his shoulders slumped, and he seemed to give up.  After a moment or two he Disapparated.

Lily crawled back into bed, tears sliding slowly down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Christina Rossetti’s poem A Traid:
> 
> Three sang of love together: one with lips
> 
> Crimson, with cheeks and bosom in a glow,
> 
> Flushed to the yellow hair and finger-tips;
> 
> And one there sang who soft and smooth as snow
> 
> Bloomed like a tinted hyacinth at a show;
> 
> And one was blue with famine after love,
> 
> Who like a harpstring snapped rang harsh and low
> 
> The burden of what those were singing of.
> 
> One shamed herself in love; one temperately
> 
> Grew gross in soulless love, a sluggish wife;
> 
> One famished died for love. Thus two of three
> 
> Took death for love and won him after strife;
> 
> One droned in sweetness like a fattened bee:
> 
> All on the threshold, yet all short of life.


	7. A Brief Candle

#### 7: A Brief Candle

  
                  

Lily juggled the day’s newspaper, a bottle of milk, and her purse as she looked for change to pay the shopkeeper.  Fortunately, he’d known her since she was six, and didn’t get irritated with her fumbling.  With a slight whoop of triumph, she finally fished out the necessary coins and dropped them into his hand. 

He smiled at her as she put her belongings back in order.  Mentally checking her list of errands, Lily nearly jumped when he said, “Miss?”

Shaking her head at her silliness, Lily smiled at him and said, “Yes?”

In the gentle voice with which he had run the shop for nearly twenty years he said, “I think you know my nephew – Kumar?”

Lily’s jaw dropped, and she stared at Rujul as though she’d never seen him before.  “Kumar Patil?” she said.

“Yes,” he said, nodding.  “I think he went to school with you?”

Still somewhat dizzy from surprise Lily said, “Yes … I never knew you were related; he’s a good friend of mine.  He’s great.”

Rujul smiled, and leaning towards her said, a little conspiratorially, “Have you met this … Roisín?  We are all very curious …”

Lily laughed. “He hasn’t introduced her yet?  Well, she’s lovely – I’m sure you’ll approve.”

Rujul nodded, and Lily listened to him discuss England’s prospects in the next World Cup before going on her way.  It was the strangest thing to find that Kumar’s uncle owned their corner shop – she wondered what Petunia would think of _that_.  Doubtless she would immediately cease to speak to Rujul, although the fact that he was _foreign_ had probably sealed his fate already.

She shook her head as she made her way up the street.  She had done more than enough brooding over Petunia the last few days, and it was time to put a stop to it.  Especially as she hadn’t heard from James in _days_.

She’d been awful to him that morning – just awful.  She hadn’t even been able to summon up the spirit to congratulate him, on what was a stupendous achievement anyway one looked at it.  Instead she’d wallowed in her own self-pity, and probably driven him away for good.

No!  She had not driven him away – she couldn’t have.  James had waited for her, for … years, he wouldn’t ditch her at the first hurdle, would he?  Not that she would blame him.  He had any number of reasons to be angry with her, to think he would be better off with someone else – some nice pureblood witch perhaps, who _didn’t_ have bigoted relatives.

Lily shook her head – she was not going to cry.  If she hadn’t heard from him by the end of the week, she’d do something desperate – she’d Apparate to his house and demand that he forgive her.

Except, she didn’t know where he lived.

In fact, Lily didn’t really know all that much about him at all.  She knew he was an Animagus, and he loved Quidditch, and had flashing hazel eyes and messy hair, and was unfairly good at Transfiguration, and he was loyal to his friends, but …

She was a rotten girlfriend, clearly.  Any decent girlfriend would know where he lived, would have responded with joy and pride when he told her his secret.  Lily hadn’t even asked him what animal form he took.

She wiped away a tear – he had to forgive her, he had to or …

Thankfully she was given an excuse to cut that thought off, when she saw Remus Lupin sitting on her doorstep.  He looked surprisingly good actually – he must have been spending time in the sun, because his hair was lighter and he definitely had a tan.  The look suited him – instead of looking like a long-string of misery (her mother’s description of him upon seeing a photo), he looked wiry and strong.

Lily was glad to see him, and smiling, she joined him where he lounged on her front-step.  “How do I know it’s you?” he said jokingly. “You could be a Death Eater in disguise.”

“With a string-bag and a copy of the Guardian?”

Remus shrugged, and Lily realised he probably did have a point.  “All right then,” she said, sighing at this necessity, “What form does my Patronus take?”

Remus seemed to struggle for the memory for a moment, but said, “A unicorn.”  He paused, and Lily watched him struggle with something before he said, “Why do I get sick all the time?”

“Oh, Remus, you don’t have to …” She felt sick – it wasn’t right for her to talk about this.

“Answer the question, Lily.”

“You’re a werewolf.”

He leaned back against the door, looking suddenly weary, and Lily could see the flecks of grey at his temples.  It was so unfair.  “Look, Remus,” she said, “You know I don’t care – I never have.  Well, except for seeing you look miserable – that I could do without.”

He was staring across the street, and, unsure whether she was doing the right thing, Lily reached out to touch his arm.  He looked at her sharply, something piercing in his gaze, and Lily drew back abashed.  For a moment she’d thought she’d glimpsed something in his eyes, but she must have been imagining things.  Remus wasn’t like that.

She stood up briskly, and said, “Well, are you coming in or not?”

He nodded, and Lily shoved the key in the lock and twiddled it a bit.  Muggle locks could be surprisingly temperamental; or at least, theirs could.  She supposed that was the price one paid for an Edwardian house.

She made her way to the kitchen, offering Remus tea as she went.  He sat down at her kitchen table as she put the milk in the fridge and pottered about looking for the teapot.  Lily had to stifle a giggle when she saw him leaning back on his chair, trying to get a glimpse of the garden.

“What’s so funny?” he said.

“It’s just, you look a lot more comfortable than James did – I swear he thought something was going to bite him when he was here.”

“Yeah, well, my mum’s a Muggle, so …”

“I see.”

Remus cleared his throat, and said, “And about James, Lily, you shouldn’t be angry with him.  It’s my fault.”

Lily lit the gas under the kettle and turned to face him.  “Angry with him?” she said.

Remus coughed, and blushed, saying, “Yeah, about the wedding …”

“Remus, I’m not angry.  I wasn’t angry at all.  I just … I felt like an idiot.”

His chair fell back to the floor with a sharp clap, and Lily met his shocked eyes.  “Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?  I mean, there he was telling me he’s an Animagus, and all powerful and stuff, and I was sitting there in my ten-year-old tee shirt, wailing about my sister.  I didn’t want him to see me like that.”  Lily closed her mouth suddenly, and turned away – what on earth was she playing at, exposing herself like this to one of James’ best friends? 

Taking a deep breath, she summoned up the will to continue. “And I was so hateful – I didn’t even congratulate him, I just bitched about Petunia.”  She paused, and somehow she had to say it.  “I haven’t heard from him since either, so …” She shrugged, and thankfully was interrupted by the noise of the kettle.

When Lily turned around she was more collected, and she managed, against the odds no doubt, to hand Remus his tea without bursting into tears.  Her self-possession really was admirable.

Remus cleared his throat, and said, “Anyway, what I was going to tell you, was … he did it to help me.”

Lily sighed, taking a deep sip.  “I know – I don’t … it was the right thing.”  She felt rather tentative about this next question, but she had to ask.  “Does it really help?”

Remus sighed and said, “Yeah.  It does.  You can’t know what … it’s like, changing, losing yourself … but I’m lucky.  I’ve got them, haven’t I?”

“Yeah.  I’m really glad for you – I mean, it’s a hell of thing to live with.”

He stretched his arms out above his head, looking every inch the lazy teenager, and said, “I don’t know.  I have a good sense of smell.”

Lily knew he was trying to make it easier on her, but she grinned and said, “Really.  Well, what do you smell then?”

He grinned.  “I know you washed your hair today – and there’s something … curry?”

Lily’s jaw hung open for a moment in surprise before she said, “They were cooking dinner in the corner shop.”

“Right.”

A silence fell between them, and Lily was just about to ask how James was, when the phone rang.  The harsh ‘bring’ made her wince, and she jumped up saying, “Sorry – I’ll just be a second.”  It really was the most effective sound – one would do anything to stop it.

The voice on the other end was dry and somehow crisp, reminding Lily of a male Professor McGonagall.  “Hello,” he said, “is that Lily Evans?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Dr. Iain Matthews …” The pause echoed over the phone line, and adrenaline surged in Lily’s stomach.

“I’m afraid, Miss Evans, that I have some bad news.”

She was clutching the phone so hard that her knuckles were white – perhaps it was some remnant of her Divination classes, but she knew that something terrible was coming.

“What’s happened?” she said.

“There was an accident.”

“What sort of accident?”  There was a note of panic in her voice now, and Remus cocked his head curiously.

“There was a car accident, on the motorway.  Your parents were involved.”

“Are they all right – were they hurt?  Are they all right?”  Lily had to steady herself with one hand against the worktop.

“Miss Evans, I’m afraid … their injuries were severe, and … we were unable to revive them.”

“What?  What does that mean?” 

“They died.” 

She could hear a crack in the man’s voice now, as though some emotion had broken through, but she hardly noticed it.  Her mind was in a whirl of panic – it wasn’t, couldn’t be true.

“No.  No.  They can’t be.”

She was practically sobbing down the phone line now, and Remus stood, coming close to her.  Lily could hear birdsong outside.

“I’m very sorry for your loss, Miss Evans.”

“You’re lying.  They’re not … they’re not.”

Perhaps he was used to dealing with bereaved families, for all he said was, “I’m afraid we need someone to identify the remains, and fill out some forms – if you could come to the hospital …”

Lily felt her knees sink beneath her, but thankfully Remus caught her in time, bracing her around the shoulders.  Gently he took the phone from her hand.  She heard him speaking quickly, taking directions from the doctor. 

There was a tea stain on the tablecloth.  Mechanically, Lily found a cloth and dabbed at it.  She would have to ring Petunia – and put the milk in the fridge.  It wouldn’t be good to let it go off.

Remus had finished talking on the phone, and turned to her, his eyes gentle.  “Lily,” he said.

She tried to look at him quizzically – though she felt slightly nauseous.  The sound of an ice-cream van outside pounded through her skull, and the late afternoon sunlight streaming into the kitchen made her feel unbearably hot.

He touched her elbow with one hand.  “We have to go.”

“Right.  I’ll get my coat then,” she said slowly.  Her face felt oddly frozen, and she could tell Remus was concerned, but … it didn’t feel real.

*          *          *

“Lily!”

“Yes Petunia?”

“What are _they_ doing here?”

Lily saw her sister pointing with a trembling finger to a group of people huddled round the door, dressed in black.  Lily was starting to think she hated the colour.  It was a week since her parents had died, and she had spent almost every waking moment making the proper arrangements, until Petunia had returned home. 

Her sister’s spite seemed more rooted, now that she was married, and Lily had been shunted to one side.  She’d spent the last three days wandering the streets in a daze – longing for Dorcas, or James, or anyone who could make her feel the least bit normal. 

The house was empty.  Petunia was living with Vernon, in a nice semi-detached house, in a nice estate, in a nice part of town – and she certainly hadn’t offered Lily a place to stay.  Unable to bear spending her time haunting empty rooms, Lily walked the streets; the day before she’d walked clear across the city.  A most unusual summer storm had blown in, and though she’d bought an umbrella from a shop for a pound, she’d still been soaked to the skin before she’d given in and Apparated home. 

The house was empty.  There were no lights switched on, no music playing, no newspapers left open at half-finished crosswords, no apple-cores or cold cups of tea left lying around – nothing.  The house was empty.

Lily couldn’t take the silence.  She’d turn on the television, and the record player as soon as she got inside, and sit, huddled, on the sofa, propping her eyes open until she could sleep without dreaming. 

It had been days since she’d really spoken to someone.  Remus had helped of course – he’d stayed with her through the first dreadful hours, before Marlene arrived to help – and Lily was grateful to him.  Marlene had had to go back to work on an urgent case, and though she’d asked Lily to stay with her, it would have been too awkward.

The funeral had been today and the distance Lily had carefully constructed between herself and the events of the past week had come crashing down.  She hadn’t been able to watch them lower the coffins – it was cold in the ground.  It was so _cold_.  They couldn’t put her mother, her father, into the ground.  She’d walked numbly back to the reception, her hand clasped in her Auntie Rose’s. 

Auntie Rose was a nun – she was a missionary somewhere in Africa, and had only reached England six hours before the funeral.  Lily wasn’t sure she’d ever actually met her mother’s older sister before, but it was good to have a hand to hold.  Lily rather thought she’d been cajoled into eating something, but she couldn’t for the life of her remember what it was.  Seeing the cluster of people at the door lifted her spirits for the first time in days.  Pushing past her sister she rushed over to join them. 

Marlene swept her into an embrace as warm as her mother’s, and Lily clung to that for many moments.  Her friend was soft and warm, and she smelt of some perfume, and for an instant Lily could imagine it was her mother, welcoming her home after another term at Hogwarts.

But her mother was dead.

Lily pulled away and managed a flicker of a smile, as Marlene said, “How are you?”

She shrugged.  “I’m okay, I suppose … Is Dorcas here?”

Marlene shook her head.  “She wanted to come, Lily – she owled me this morning.  There are all kinds of restrictions on international Portkeys – she can’t get one for another two and a half weeks.”

Lily nodded, the back of her eyes suddenly hot.  She wanted Dorcas to be home – she wanted to have her hug her and stroke her hair and tell her it would all be all right.

Remus met her eyes, and said, “James couldn’t come, Lily.  He wanted to, but … His mother took ill this morning, suddenly.  He’s in St Mungo’s.”

Lily nodded – her lips felt sticky all of a sudden.  She could see Sirius and Peter standing beside him, and Marlene continued, “Everyone wanted to come but we thought … it might be better if there weren’t too many of us.”

Lily nodded again – she felt like a rag-doll.  Marlene’s voice was very gentle as she said, “What are you going to do now?”

Taking a deep, calming breath, Lily said, “I don’t know.  Petunia’s put the house up for sale, so … I have to find somewhere else, but …” She stopped for a moment – she couldn’t break down in public.  “I don’t have all that much money, and … I’m not going to get any for a while, and I suppose I could stay with Petunia.  That’s what she wants – she’s afraid ‘people will talk’, but, she is my sister …”

Marlene’s face was full of sympathy and she touched Lily’s arm gently.  “Well, if it doesn’t work out, just owl me, or turn up at my door even.  It won’t be a problem.”

Lily mustered a smile.  “Thanks, Marlene.”  She swallowed, and said, “I really appreciate it.”

Marlene shrugged.  “Just my job.  Do you want me to stay with you tonight?”

Lily tried to say something, but she was so exhausted, and so full of gratitude at the thought of not being alone, that she could barely breathe.  She stared at her friend, and felt a few tears slip down her right cheek.  She was about to answer her properly, when she felt Petunia’s hand close over her wrist.

Her sister’s voice sounded almost unhinged as she said, “What are _they_ doing here?”  Petunia’s large, pale eyes seemed to be straining out of their sockets, and Lily could feel her fingers tightening convulsively; she was furious.  She continued to speak in a low, biting voice, “I thought I told you that I didn’t want _any_ of your _freak_ friends at our parents’ funeral – I thought I was admirably clear on that point.  Have you no respect?”

Lily wanted to cut her off, shut her up somehow, but she couldn’t find the words.  She was too horror-stricken.  Petunia continued, her voice growing more shrill.  “One of you _mutants_ is enough, Lily.”

Under normal circumstances, Petunia’s words would have raised a boiling anger in Lily, and she would have offered a few curt retorts to such ridiculous accusations but she couldn’t. All she could think of was her mother’s pained face every time they had fought, and her father’s requests that she keep her patience, and the peace; just because Petunia had always ignored their parents didn’t mean she should. 

She hung her head under this emotion, under the shame, but a moment later she felt Petunia’s fingers being prised away from her wrist – she looked up to see Sirius staring at her sister with inarticulate rage.  It took him several moments to find the words, but eventually he said, “How dare you – how _dare_ you?”

Lily could see that he was working up a fine temper, and she looked at him pleadingly.  She was grateful, of course, for this show of protectiveness, but it wouldn’t help.  He stood back, glaring at Petunia and looking as though he very much wanted to reach for his wand. 

Lily addressed her sister in as steady a voice as she could muster.  “They’ll go in a minute, Petunia.”

Her sister tossed her head, and stalked over to join her husband, who was having a booming conversation with the Headmaster of her father’s old school.  Lily observed this for a moment, and then gestured that the others follow her out the door.

As soon as it closed, Sirius swore.  Lily looked at him in surprise, and he said, “James told me your sister was a pill, but I didn’t think … I can’t believe you two are related.”

Lily managed a shaky laugh, and suddenly he hugged her, drawing her close under one arm.  “Want me to give her a baboon’s backside?” he said.

She laughed again, though it was no magnificent piece of wit, and he released her.  The four of them stood in front of her, all looking equally concerned.  “I’m sorry you couldn’t stay longer,” she said, “Really sorry – you’re the only people I know – but, it’ll just be easier with Petunia if …”

Remus nodded.  “We understand, Lily.”

“Right.”

Marlene hugged her again.  “Are you sure there isn’t anything you need?”

She shook her head.  “I’ve to pack my stuff tomorrow, and then I’m moving over there.”

Sirius looked worried.  “Do you really expect that to work?”

“I don’t know.  It’s not like I have much of a choice.”

Peter looked confused.  “Why?”

Lily shrugged.  “My parents made her my legal guardian, so …”

“But you’re of age.”

“Not in the Muggle world, Peter, and I’m not eighteen for another six weeks, so until then, I have to live with her.”

Sirius looked frustrated, and said, “Can’t you just …”

“No,” Lily cut him off so sharply she surprised herself.  “My parents wanted this, so … I have to try.”

He gave her a measuring look, but said nothing.  Lily swallowed and said, “And, could you tell James … tell him …” She couldn’t think of any words to convey just how much she wanted to see him, wanted to feel his hand in hers and see him smile, and hear about his mother.  She shrugged. “I don’t know – tell him something.”

It was time for them to leave, and Lily was shocked dumb for a moment when Peter leaned forward and put his arms around her.  It was comforting: his jacket smelt of old soap, and he was quite short and rather tubby, and after a moment she buried her face in his neck, soaking his shirt with a sudden rush of wet tears.

He stiffened in surprise, but after a moment he reached a tentative hand up to stroke her hair.  Lily clung to him.  She didn’t want the others to see her like this – didn’t want Petunia to catch a glimpse of her sorrow.

After a moment Peter said, “It’s all right to cry, Lily.”

“No, it’s not,” she gasped.  “If I start now … I won’t be able to stop.”

It took a supreme effort of will for Lily to pull herself together, but she just about managed it.  After letting go of Peter, she cupped her face in her hands for two deep breaths.  That done, she dashed the tears from her eyes and managed to smile at her friends.

“How do I look?” she said.  “Composed – presentable – just about sane?”

Sirius gave a sharp laugh, and said, “Sane?  Aiming a bit high aren’t you?”

“Thanks.  I’d better go make my rounds, like a dutiful daughter.  Then I’ve to take Aunt Rose home.”

Marlene looked relieved.  “Is she staying with you?”

Lily nodded.  “For a couple of hours – she’s to get up early to fly back to Africa.  She can’t be spared, she says.  Anyway, you’d better go – and, thanks.  All of you.”

They nodded, and turned to walk to the nearest Apparition point – Lily waved goodbye to Sirius when he looked back.

*          *          *

Lily had been staring out the kitchen windows for hours it felt like.  The coffee in her cup was stone cold, and she was nearly positive that the clothes she’d put out after getting in were dry now. 

She was in something of a trance when she heard her Aunt say from upstairs, “Lily?”

“Yes?”

“I think you need to check outside – there’s an animal crying.”

“Okay.  Goodnight.”

Her aunt was a rather odd woman.  Lily had always understood that she did a lot of good in her little corner of the world – teaching people to read, getting inoculations and medicines for the locals – but she seemed oddly finicky and dry for someone who did such admirable things.

The family resemblance was there for anyone to see, but Lily found it very hard to connect to this dry old woman, about whom she’d heard such tall tales.  Sighing, she opened the back door and stepped into the garden.  This would all be sold in a week or two.

It wasn’t all that impressive – a rickety old house, with a patch of scrub out the back.  There was a tree and an unstable old shed and little else – neither of her parents had had green fingers.  She didn’t want to be out here – she wanted to go to bed and wake up tomorrow, and somehow have everything back.

She sighed again.  That wasn’t going to happen.  Her parents weren’t coming back – ever.  And it didn’t matter that it wasn’t fair, that they were only forty-six, that she still needed her mum and dad; none of that would change anything.

She heard something moving towards her, and, suddenly suspicious, pulled her wand out as it came closer but it was only a dog.  Admittedly, a dog that bore a more than passing resemblance to a small bear, but a dog nonetheless. 

Lily couldn’t imagine how it had got into the back garden – they were hemmed in by the other houses – but she chose not to pursue that thought.  Instead, she gestured towards the door, hoping the dog would follow her and she would be able to let it out into the street.  Of course, it would be terrible to let a dog that size just run wild – it could be violent, it could be lost, and Lily didn’t think she could carry the responsibility for either on her conscience.

She collapsed bonelessly onto the back step, desperately trying to think of something to do.  The dog followed her, and put its head on her knee.  It had shaggy black fur, and it stared up at her with dark, liquid eyes.  Lily rather though it whined slightly.

Her dad had always wanted a dog.

Suddenly she felt that hot rush come again, and her hands were clawing through her hair, and she couldn’t control the sobs.  Lily’s chest heaved until she though she might retch, and her eyes streamed, and she actually heard herself cry out as though in some terrible pain.

Her mum.  Her dad.

It hurt so much.  She was completely alone, with only the wind in the trees and the stars and that mysterious dog for company, and all she wanted was her parents back.  She’d never told them she loved them.  She’d never really been able to show them what magic was – and just when she’d been home again, able to protect them and know them again, they were taken away … by a car crash.  Of all the stupid things.

Lily didn’t know how long she sat there, but after staring at the ground in a horrible, grey stupor, she was eventually brought back to her senses by the rasp of the dog’s tongue against the skin of her hand.  Lifting her head she stared down at it, and yawned.  She would definitely go to bed.

Reaching out a hand, she gently petted its ears and said, “Hungry?”  Of course it couldn’t speak English – Lily knew that – but she could have sworn it nodded.

Shaking her head at these delusions, she went back into the kitchen.  Just as she bent to see what was in the fridge, she heard a sharp crack behind her.

When she turned around, the dog was gone.

A sudden terror overwhelmed her, and Lily locked and magically sealed the backdoor, doing the same to all the downstairs windows.  She sat at the kitchen table for another hour, waiting for any sign of danger, but none came, and eventually she gave in, and fell asleep.

Lily could even feel thankful that the dog had been there – the worry was a great relief from the hard, steel knot that tightened in her stomach with every thought of her parents.  She was stuffed full of grief.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from Macbeth, Act Five, Scene Five:
> 
> “Out, out, brief candle!  
> Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player  
> That struts and frets his hour upon the stage  
> And then is heard no more: it is a tale  
> Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,  
> Signifying nothing.”


	8. A Time to Embrace

#### 8: A Time to Embrace

 

Lily strode out of the coffee shop, banging the door as she went.  She slammed each step down on the pavement as she walked, taking a savage satisfaction from the loud clacking of her heels.  She didn’t even know why she’d agreed to meet Petunia; she’d known it would end badly, and yet here she was.

It had been stupid of her to pick up the phone in the first place.  She’d only been living with her sister for ten days when they’d had a blazing row, which ended with Lily packing her bags and Vernon Dursley warning her not to darken their door again.  Lily had Apparated to Marlene’s flat, fully intending never to contact Petunia, but a spate of Muggle killings had brought her to her senses.  Her sister had to be warned; she had to know what to look out for, and that had been Lily’s intention.

Only it hadn’t gone very well.  Petunia had slid an envelope full of money across the table – calling it Lily’s inheritance – and had then stared into space, rebuffing all attempts at conversation until Lily gave up and left.  She shouldn’t have bothered, and comforting as a stash of money in her handbag might be, she almost wished she hadn’t gone.  Petunia’s attitude made her feel more alone than ever.

A chill ran through her, and Lily hugged herself – the summer had been most unseasonably cold, and her choice of dress more than a little optimistic.  She could have gone straight back to Marlene’s flat of course, but Marlene was away again, on some mysterious errand, and Lily didn’t think she could spend another day in those too small rooms.  She’d searched high and low for some kind of job, but applications for Ministry positions had closed a month ago, and, perhaps it was times being what they were, or that she was a Muggle-born, but most of the businesses along Diagon Alley were extremely loath to employ her.  She was beginning to see the disadvantages of her situation – she had no family, no real connections in the Wizarding world.  A terrible fear that she would never, ever find any place was preying on her.

The wind picked up speed and raindrops spattered the shop windows, as Lily reflected that she was lonely.  Between her Healer training and whatever her other commitment was, Marlene wasn’t around that often, and though Lily was grateful for the place to stay, she couldn’t help but wish for some company.  It felt as though she had too much time to think, and she’d been dithering over whether to send James an owl for nearly a week.  On the one hand, she missed him so much that she found her head turning every time she saw a dark-haired boy – but it had been so long since they’d even met that she was afraid…

Thankfully Dorcas was due home that night, although with current restrictions on international Portkeys, it was hard to know when she might arrive.  Lily wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t burst into tears at the very sight of her best friend.  It had been a long time; time Lily had always envisaged spending with her parents.  She’d known it might take a while to find her feet in the Wizarding world, but her parents would have supported her, and in the end it would have been worth it.  Now…

She shivered – it was really starting to rain, and now that she’d calmed down it was probably safe enough to Apparate.  The pavement was crowded, and Lily had to dodge various pedestrians as she dug through her handbag for her wand, while searching for a hidden spot.  The city streets were so crowded though, that it was hard to see, and just when Lily thought she’d spied a safe spot, someone banged into her and she went tumbling to the ground.  It took her a moment to recover from the impact, but when she did, she realized with horror, that her handbag was gone.

Everything was in that bag – everything.  All her money… her wand!  For a moment Lily shook her head in desperate denial, but it was definitely, all, gone.  She sat up slowly, wincing as she tried to wipe her hands clean.  There wasn’t anything she could do – they had her wand.

Without her wand… Lily felt utterly helpless.  She had no money; no way of contacting anyone, and Marlene’s flat was a hundred miles and three counties away.

She walked, the rain soaking her dress through, her hair clinging heavily to the back of her neck.  Lily was surprised to discover she was crying – it was just too hard.  She didn’t know what to do – everything seemed utterly impossible.  She was trying, oh she was trying to build some kind of life for herself, but it seemed as though new obstacles were being thrown in her path every single day.

Lily was half-running, half-stumbling through the streets now, though she hardly knew where she was going.  She was utterly soaked, and shivering, and water trickled down her legs and arms.  She was crying so hard she could barely see where she was going – and after a minute or two or five, she ran into someone’s back.

This brought her somewhat to her senses, and Lily was about to mumble an apology and walk away when she heard a voice say, “Lily?”

She nearly sobbed when she saw the friendly, open face of Peter Pettigrew.  Carefully he put one hand on her shoulder, and his voice was full of concern as he said, “Lily, what happened?”  She burst into a fresh bout of sobs, and Peter, evidently deciding she was too much to handle, said, “Come on – we’ll go up to Sirius’.”

Blindly, Lily allowed him to pull her along, and in a moment or two she was being ushered into a warm, extremely messy flat.  Remus and Sirius were lounging on a sofa, a half-eaten packet of biscuits between them, and they sprang to their feet as she entered.  Peter offered an explanation.  “I found her on the street – she’s pretty upset.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at this statement of the obvious, and Remus said gently, “Lily, what happened?”

She was trembling from the cold, and it was a struggle to be coherent.  “I was… they took my bag and… and it has everything; my wand, all my money, and I don’t know what to do… and Petunia.”

Sirius’ face darkened at this mention of her sister, but he only said, “We’ll get it back Lily.”  He nodded at Remus, who briskly left the room, with Peter in tow.  Taking her elbow, Sirius steered her down the corridor and into the bathroom.  “You need to get warm,” he said, “You can have a bath, and I’ll find something…dry for you.”

Lily nodded – she wasn’t used to Sirius being this kind.  There was usually some tone of mockery underlying his words, but as he fussed about, turning the taps on and looking for towels, Lily could see genuine affection in his expression.  It unnerved her somewhat.

Looking down, Lily realised just how much her dress _clung_ when it was wet, and crossed her arms quickly over her chest.  Sirius looked up at the movement and his face broke into a grin.  Sauntering towards the door he said, “Not to worry – I wasn’t looking.  Prongs would kill me.”  She sighed with relief, but he surprised a laugh from her with his next words.  Sticking his head back round the door he added, “But otherwise…”

Lily threw a roll of toilet paper at him.

*          *          *

She spent a long time in the bath, thoroughly washing her hair and scrubbing her skin until it was red and glowing.  Halfway through, Sirius tapped on the door and told her he’d laid out clothes in the next room.  It was difficult to convince herself to get out of the bath – the second Lily stood up she felt as though a weight had settled on her.  She sighed as she struggled to cover herself with the towel – Sirius clearly hadn’t thought of the needs of any female guests he might have.

Gathering up her clothes, Lily dashed across the hall, trying to drip as little as possible.  Once, in the room she leant back against the door, infinitely grateful that she hadn’t dropped her towel. 

And then she saw him.

He was sitting on the bed, and obviously she’d surprised him, because his head snapped up and his eyes still looked slightly bemused.  But he was smiling. 

He stood up slowly, and Lily saw just how _good_ he looked in Muggle clothing.  And she couldn’t help herself.  “Is it really you?”

James nodded, his eyes never leaving her face, and she forgot to be self-conscious in only a towel.  The room was dim anyway, but as he came closer to her, it seemed as though he was the only thing in the room.  Slowly, he reached a hand out to touch her face, and Lily was amazed to see that he was trembling.  A tear slid down her cheek as he said, in a husky voice, “I missed you so much.”

And then he was holding her, holding her so tight that Lily wished he’d never let go, that she could always be in his arms.  He smelt of Butterbeer and grass, and she buried her face in his shoulder, just leaning into all his strength. 

James moved them over to the bed, so that she was sitting in his lap, and the sensation of being held, of being cared for, loosened something in Lily, and suddenly she started to cry.  James stroked her hair, and made soothing noises, and gradually she summoned up the will to say, “Oh James – why did I have to lose them both?”

He pulled her closer, if that was possible, and Lily was astonished to see tears in his dark eyes, and she put a hand to his face, saying, “Thank you.  I’m so, so sorry, about before…”

But he shook his head.  “No, Lily, no … don’t even…”  And then he kissed her.  Perhaps it should have felt wrong, or painful, but it was only good.  Everything else in her life had shifted and turned around, but being with James was the one thing that still felt right.  His fingers on her skin could still make her shiver.

When they broke for air, James rested his forehead against hers, and whispered.  “I love you.”

His words were like a shock or spurt in her heart, and she nearly lost her breath.  Lily could feel tears pricking her eyes again, but this time from joy, and she just managed to say, “I thought I’d lost you.”

James started, and after a moment, said, “You could _never_ lose me,” kissing her vigorously for emphasis.

They clung together for several minutes, blissfully close, until Lily became painfully aware that her towel was slowly, but surely, sliding downwards, and there were three other people in the flat after all.  It was a wrench to leave him, but she did, saying, “I think Sirius left clothes for me.”

James was still looking at her as though he wasn’t entirely certain she was really there, and Lily could see the desire to touch her in his eyes, but he only pointed to the chest of drawers.  Trying not to look at him, because if she did there was no knowing _what_ she might do, Lily got dressed as quickly as possible. 

When she turned to face him again, James burst out laughing.  Normally this would have infuriated her, but Lily imagined she did look rather ridiculous – Sirius was a good ten inches taller than her, and the crotch of his shorts hung half way to her knees, while the shoulders of his tee shirt were about two inches above her elbows.

James managed to straighten his face eventually, saying, “You should be wearing my stuff.”

Lily grimaced.  “I’d still look silly.”

James put his hand on her lower back, guiding her to the door, and said, “Yeah, but now you’re my girlfriend in my best mate’s clothes – it’s a bit of a role reversal.”

Lily grinned at him, and stretched up to kiss him with all her might.  “Does it really matter?” she said, wickedly.

James gulped.  “No.”

Lily couldn’t keep a smile from her face, or her hand from his, as they walked to join the others.  She couldn’t help but blush as she walked into Sirius’ living room, for Peter whooped with delight to see them together, and Sirius clapped his hands.  Still, her handbag was sitting on the table, and she was too glad to have it back to suffer too greatly from embarrassment. 

Diving for it, Lily rifled through the contents, relieved to discover that nothing was missing.  She felt a surge of power run up her arm as her fingers closed over her wand, and she sat back, sighing with satisfaction.  Remus gestured towards a mug of tea, and she reached for it gratefully.  It warmed her hands as she said, “Thank you … for getting my purse back, and …everything.  I don’t know what I’d have done.”

Sirius set the packet of biscuits in front of her, and she bit into one with a sigh of pleasure.  She’d been far too nervous about meeting Petunia to even think of eating beforehand, and it was actually quite late in the day.  The room was completely silent, except for the yelling of Muggles outside, and Lily spared a thought to wonder why Sirius had chosen to settle in the middle of a street market.

They were all staring at her, and Lily shook her head.  She really didn’t want to talk about this just yet.  After a moment Remus cleared his throat, and said, “Lily what happened?”

She shrugged.  “Which part?”

Sirius looked mildly annoyed and said, “Well, how did you end up here, for a start?”

Lily took a sip of tea, hoping it would help her swallow the lump in her throat, and said, “I was meeting Petunia.  I wanted to warn her… you’ve seen all those Muggle killings in the news, but… she wouldn’t listen to me.”  James’ arm slid across her back, and she felt suddenly anchored by it.  “Anyway, I was leaving, and not paying attention or something, cause when I got up, my handbag was gone.”

Sirius stared at her, and said, “But before… what happened?”

“Oh!” Lily put her mug down on the table.  “She kicked me out.”

James flexed his fingers, whether from surprise or anger she couldn’t tell, and Remus swore under his breath.  It felt good to see their anger.  “Anyway,” Lily said, “We got into a fight – of course – and she said… terrible things, and I packed my bags and Apparated on Marlene’s front step.”

James looked annoyed, and said crossly, “Why didn’t you come to me?”

Lily stared.  “Well, we weren’t talking… and, I don’t actually know where you live.”

He leaned back in his seat, still looking disgruntled, and Peter said, “Why didn’t you go home?”

“I can’t, Peter.  The house has been sold, and I couldn’t have lived there anyway, not without…  My Dad always hated living there.”  Her lips were trembling.  “He wanted a house outside the city somewhere, with a proper garden, and a dog, and…” Lily put her face in her hands for a moment; James’ hand was caressing her back.  “Sorry.”

When she looked up Sirius was staring at her intently, as though he had found the last part of a puzzle.  Lily looked at him questioningly, but he shook his head.  “It’s probably for the best anyway, cause I have money now, and…”

“Muggle money?” Peter said.

“Yeah.”

“Can I see it?”

Dazed Lily said, “Sure.  It’s in my handbag.”  She took out the envelope and handed it to him.  “There’s about eighteen thousand pounds there, I think.  Enough to keep me going for a while.  I haven’t been able to find work – you can guess why.”

An instant later she felt a surge of guilt as Remus said, “So what will you do?”  His worries had to be even worse than hers.

She shrugged.  “Move out of Marlene’s for a start – she’s been wonderful, but the place is only two feet square.”

James grinned.  “You can live with me.”

“What?”  Lily couldn’t quite contain her shock.

“In my house – it’s a bit bigger than two feet, and it’d be great.” 

He looked as though he genuinely believed it, and, a little despairingly, Lily said, “I can’t live with you.”  She knew him in this mood – he _would_ wear her down eventually.

“Why not?”

“You live with your mother – your Mum and your girlfriend in the same house?  It’s a recipe for disaster.”

He waved a hand dismissively.  “She’ll love you.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Well, I do, don’t I?”

Lily let out a moan of frustration.  “You’re impossible.” 

She was about to enumerate the many, many ways in which it was a horrendous idea when Peter said, “It’s good to have you back, Lily.”

“What?”

Sirius grinned and said, “This one was a right moody git since you’ve been gone.  We couldn’t get him to do _anything_.”

Lily found herself beaming at James, and he shrugged, blushing slightly.  She slipped her hand into his, unable to keep a smile from her face.  Looking around the room, something struck her.  All of them were here. 

“Okay,” she said, “I want to see.”

Sirius seemed confused and said, “See what?”

“You… Your animals.”

The three boys exchanged glances, looking slightly sheepish, and Lily added, “Come on.  I’m giving you a one-off chance to show off, and I know you like that.”

Sirius laughed and said, “It’s just, James and I, we’re pretty big.”

She resisted the temptation to roll her eyes.  “Of course.”

James interrupted her to say, “But we could make space.”  He ran his fingers through his hair.

Sirius shook his head, “Not for you Prongs.  I don’t care… you’re not putting holes in my ceiling.”

Lily’s jaw dropped.  “Holes?”

It was Remus who noticed her confusion, and gesturing towards his head he said, “From his antlers.”

“You have antlers?”

Somehow, without words, Sirius and James had resolved their dispute, James evidently being the loser, and Sirius moved the table into a corner.  Peter was the first to change, and Lily jumped back in surprise.  She’d never liked rats – it was something about the way they moved.  She apologized profusely once he had changed back.

Sirius was next, of course, and he changed with a typically dramatic flourish.  Lily was sure her eyes nearly jumped from their sockets when she saw the massive black dog padding across the carpet.  She’d never even considered that it could have been…he had shaggy black fur, rather large paws and luminous dark eyes.  It was definitely the same dog.  Her hands were trembling as she gave in to his begging and petted his head.

A moment later he was standing in front of her, twirling his wand in his fingers, with his hair hanging into his eyes.  Lily didn’t know whether to thank him or be horrendously embarrassed – she settled for leaning her head against James’ shoulder and listening to their stories of all the exciting things that had happened to them while at Hogwarts.  There were a lot of stories.

She actually fell asleep on top of him, only wakening when Remus and Peter left together, banging the door.  Sleepily, she looked at the clock and realised the time – she needed to be at the Ministry in an hour to meet Dorcas, and she started from her seat, looking for her purse and shoes.

James’ hand on her arm, restrained her however, and in a warm voice he said, “Where are you going?”

Quickly, she explained about Dorcas, yawning halfway through.  Sirius seemed particularly excited at this piece of news, and after a moment he said, “You can stay here, Lily – I’ll meet her.”

She shook her head, “I said I’d be there, I can’t just…”

Sirius was formidably stubborn, however, and would not back down, saying, “To be honest, you look like you need the sleep, and… I haven’t seen her in weeks either.”

A smile broke across her face.  “Oh… you haven’t?”

He grinned at her teasing, and said, “No – and I’ve missed her, Evans.  Now, how does my hair look?”

She laughed at that, and said, “You look great – she’ll swoon.”

He Disapparated, and suddenly, she and James were alone together.  Surprisingly, she didn’t feel all that sleepy; rather, she felt excitement brewing in her stomach.  James stood up, pulling her with him, and said, “I’ll show you the spare room.”

He seemed to know his way around pretty well, and Lily followed him willingly enough.  She didn’t know what was going to happen.

He pointed out the light fixtures and the bed and after a moment said, “Well… I’ll let you get your sleep.”

Lily flushed to her hairline as he walked to the bedroom door, but she still managed to summon up the courage to say, “James… I don’t want you to go.”

He turned and said, “Lily – I’ll be back in the morning.  I’m not going anywhere.”

She licked her lips, trying to calm her nerves.  “No, it’s not that… I mean… I want you to stay.”

James nodded, his eyes boring into hers.  He seemed slightly unsure as he said, “Well… I could sleep on the sofa, if that’s what…”

Lily shook her head, and something lit up his eyes.  “No, that’s not… that’s not what I meant – I thought you could stay… in here.”

Her stomach dropped to her feet as she said the words, and it continued to fall until, after what felt like hours, he said, “Lily… are you sure?  I mean, you’re upset and, I don’t want to…” He swallowed heavily, “Take advantage.”

She shook her head.  Walking towards him, Lily put a hand on his cheek, and said, very clearly, “James, it’s not that.  I love you, and I want… I want to… be with you.”  She bowed her head, suddenly embarrassed, “It’s just, I’ve never done this before.”

In a moment James lips were on hers, warm and whole, and Lily stopped counting the seconds.

*          *          *

Lily woke gradually the next morning, her thoughts slowly rising to wakefulness as she became increasingly aware of James’ light snores and the noise of cars outside.  Pulling on one of Sirius’ massive tee shirts and her underwear, Lily made her way to the kitchen. 

She felt truly relaxed for the first time in weeks, her muscles supple and limber, and even more surprising, she had not even the slightest urge to yawn.  Closing her eyes, she stretched her arms over her head, relishing the feeling as she extended herself to the maximum.  She could smell coffee, and bacon.

Lily walked through the door of the kitchen to see one of the more unexpected sights of her lifetime – Dorcas, similarly attired in one of Sirius’ tee shirts and frying up breakfast, while he stood close behind her, occasionally offering directions, but mainly just looking.  She’d never seen Sirius look so happy. 

And Dorcas had an expression compounded of equal parts joy and hope, smiling at him tenderly.  It felt wrong to intrude on such a moment – it was almost embarrassing.   Though they weren’t _doing_ anything, it was uncomfortably private.

Lily meant to make a quick and silent exit, when Dorcas happened to look up.  A moment later the two friends were hugging fiercely.  It felt good, so good, to have her best friend by her side once again, that Lily felt tears stream from her eyes yet again. 

After a moment or two they managed to sit down, though Dorcas was clearly finding it difficult to sit still.  Lily was smiling so hard it was difficult to find her voice, but she managed it.  “What time did you get in?”

Dorcas flicked her hair over her shoulders.  “Oh, around half three – it took ridiculously long to clear the security.”  She held one of Lily’s hands in hers and said, “How’ve you been?”

Lily swallowed.  “I can honestly say, I’ve been better.”

Dorcas leaned over and hugged her once again.  “I’m so sorry Lily – I tried to get back sooner, but…”

“I know.  It’s not exactly the best time to be trying…”

Dorcas sighed.  “Yeah, well, you look good anyway.”

Lily smiled.  “I slept like the dead, first time in weeks too – James is still conked out inside.”

Dorcas looked at her significantly, and Lily behind her to see Sirius’ mouth gaping open.  Her face was hot as she said, “Get that look off your face.” 

He made a valiant effort, but there was no concealing his glee, and Lily turned around resolved that she would at least ignore him.  Using her primmest Head Girl tone she said, “So, how’s John?”

Dorcas laughed.  “He’s got a new girlfriend, for now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he keeps trying to impress her with exotic plants, and I’ve tried to tell him that it’s not working, but… he’ll be sad and lonely again soon enough I’m sure.”

“You’re cruel.”

Sirius swore, and Dorcas said, “What’s the matter?”

“I’m out of milk.”  He grabbed a set of keys off the table and said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”  Then he bent down, and gave Dorcas a soft, lingering kiss on the mouth.  Lily’s jaw dropped, and of course he said, “Get that look off your face.”

The moment he left the flat, Lily squealed and clapped her hands.  “What happened?” she said, “And when, and how?”

Dorcas started laughing, cupping her hands around her mouth, and Lily could see just how happy she really was.  “It was last night,” she said, “You should have seen me Lily, I was nearly unconscious, I was so tired.  He practically had to carry me home.”

“Did he?” Lily said eagerly.

“No, thank god.  Anyway, he explained everything, and we came back…”

“And…”

“And all I wanted was to go to bed, to be honest, but he kept _talking_ , and talking, and eventually, I just had to say it.”

“And how did that lead to you two kissing?  Come on Dorcas hurry up – he’ll be back soon.”

“Right, right… Well, he insisted on me taking his bed, and I tried to talk him out of it, but… you know what he’s like.”

Lily nodded. 

“And, we were kind of joking and taking the mickey, and he said he’d…tuck me in.”

“Seriously?”  Lily interrupted.

Dorcas was blushing.  “Yeah, I know, I know – it’s kind of stupid, but then… he actually did, and it was just nice.  Anyway, I said something, you’d think I’d remember, and he touched my face, like… here,” she indicated her cheek, “And it just happened.”

“And, how was it?”

Dorcas looked suddenly shy, and looking at the table, she said, “Well… remember what you said about James being ‘forceful’.”

“Really?” 

Lily started laughing.  She knew exactly what Dorcas meant, but… there were memories contained in that one word.  But when she looked at her friend, Dorcas was also struggling to stifle her laughter.  No longer able to restrain herself, Lily’s laughter rang out in the kitchen, and after a moment she managed to say, “I’m so _happy_ for you, love.”

Dorcas gave her a sweet smile and said, “I know.”

Even when James and Sirius joined them they continued to talk about everything and anything that had happened since they’d last met.  It felt so good to have her best friend back; to hear her voice and to share jokes with her, that Lily felt as though a huge weight had been lifted.  And James was always there, his hand resting low on her spine, his laughter echoing in her ear.

At about two in the afternoon, Marlene’s head appeared in Sirius’ fireplace.  She started to speak, but then caught sight of Lily and glared.  “Where have you been?” she demanded.  “You scared me half to death.”

Lily hung her head, regretful – Marlene had good reason to be fearful, times being what they were.  James briefly explained what had happened, and Marlene nodded, seeming to accept his words – though Lily didn’t doubt she was in for questioning later. 

Marlene tossed her head, which was rather an impressive feat in a fireplace, and said, “Anyway, Dumbledore wants to see you tomorrow, Lily.”

She was instantly on her guard – she’d been finding it so difficult to get a job that Marlene had been making noises about approaching their old Headmaster for help.  Lily didn’t like it one bit. 

“What’s this Marlene – some charity case?”

Perhaps she’d used those words one too many times, for Marlene took a deep breath and then seemed to snap.  “Look, Lily,” she said, “You were Head Girl, weren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“And you don’t get to be Head Girl without being pretty damn clever, right?”

Lily shrugged, “I suppose…”  
  


“And Slughorn loved you.”

“Yeah.”

“And you got the highest mark in Charms since Filius Flitwick himself.”  The others looked at her in awe, and Lily blushed.  She really hadn’t intended to tell anyone that.

“And you were the only student in _ten years_ to successfully brew Felix Felicis.”  Marlene added, clearly warming to her theme. 

“Yeah.”

“Well, then, Lily,” she said, “Do you really suppose that anyone would consider giving you a job _charity_?”

“Okay, I get the point.”

Marlene sighed.  “And it only took two weeks.”

“Sorry.  Are you all right – you look tired.”

Marlene shook her head, “Look,” she said, “I shouldn’t tell you this, but Dumbledore will only mention it tomorrow anyway – I had a bit of a run in with Death Eaters last night.”

“What?”  Dorcas’ voice contained all the horror that Lily felt, but couldn’t express.

“I’m fine – nothing bad happened – I’m just tired that’s all.”

Lily nodded.  “Okay then,” she said, “Back out and I’ll come cook you dinner or something.”

Marlene’s eyes flicked to James, and she said, “No, stay here, Lily – Dermot’s coming anyway.  Can I tell Dumbledore he’ll see you all tomorrow?”

Sirius and James looked at each other and said, “Of course.”

Marlene seemed relieved, and said, “Well, could you tell Remus, and Peter as well?  There are a couple of other people, but you’ll find those two quicker than I can anyway.”

They nodded, and Lily said, “Get some rest, okay?”

“Yeah.  Bye.”

Marlene withdrew her head from the fire, and silence reigned.  It was nearly a full minute before Sirius said, “So… three guesses what Dumbledore wants us for?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, from the Bible:
> 
> To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:   
> A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;   
> A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;   
> A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;   
> A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  
> A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;   
> A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;   
> A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.


	9. A Handful of Dust

#### 9: A Handful of Dust

 

It felt strange to be walking through the corridors of Hogwarts during the summer – to see sunlight streaming through windows and doors standing open to let air circulate.  Still, it was nice to return to the school, nice to imagine that Hogwarts at least was untouched by the war that ravaged the world outside. 

This wasn't at all to say that the school was unchanged.  A new caretaker had been hired, who looked at them all suspiciously before letting them in (Lily suspected James' and Sirius' reputations had lingered).  His cat was following them now – a huge beast with shining golf-ball eyes.  Usually Lily liked cats, but being followed like that…

She cut that thought off sharply – she was nervous.  She didn't know what Dumbledore would have to tell them, and considering the possibilities made her anxious.  Of course she would do what he asked, of course she would – but Marlene had been fighting Death Eaters only the day before; she had perhaps been fighting Death Eaters ever since she'd left Hogwarts.  Lily shook her head and grinned to herself a little.  This was the first time she'd ever been sent to the Headmaster's office.

They were ushered in quickly, and took seats beside the only other occupants of the room – Alice Higgins and Frank Longbottom.  Lily knew Frank had gone on to be an Auror, but she'd never known him particularly well, by dint of his being three years ahead of them.  She knew even less about Alice, who'd been in Ravenclaw, but she had a feeling, urged on by some half-remembered words, that Peter had rather fancied her once upon a time.

Dumbledore, after greeting them and offering refreshments, sat at his desk.  Folding his hands in front of him, he said, "I am sure you all know why you are here.  I am the leader of a society fighting against Lord Voldemort."

Dorcas winced horribly, and Lily saw Sirius grasp her hand in his as Dumbledore continued.  "Some of you have already crossed his path and survived," here he nodded at Lily and James, and Frank and Alice, "and the rest of you have already survived duels with Death Eaters.  I want to ask you if you would be willing to continue to do so."

Perhaps Dumbledore sensed that they were about to speak, for he held up a hand and said, "Before you answer, be aware that there are dangers – Edgar Bones and Roberta King have already died in the service of the Order.  The risks _are_ great, and unless you believe, as I do, that Voldemort and his cronies would create a world in which even wizards and witches as brilliant as Mr Lupin and Miss Evans would be considered lesser – and this would be a monstrous thing… You should leave now, and no one will think any the less of you."

In fact, Lily couldn't help but think that most of the people in the room would think a great deal less of anyone who left… but it was a moot point, as no one moved.  They heard the light tinkle of one of Dumbledore's instruments as he gave a great sigh of relief and said, "I confess this is as I had hoped.  I thank you."

It was a moment before Frank spoke up. "Sir, might I ask… what exactly do you need us to do?"

Dumbledore smiled at him and said, "Well, Mr Longbottom, my first request is rather simple.  With so many new recruits just out of Hogwarts, I was rather hoping you could give them some extra training, such as Aurors receive."

Frank nodded.  "Defensive magic?"

"Defensive magic, stealth, something of concealment…  You will all need these skills, and I wish there was more time for you to learn them, but… an intensive session with Frank will do a great deal for all of you."

James raised a hand and a moment later dropped it, looking as though he felt rather silly.  Dumbledore raised his eyebrows expectantly, and James said, "Sir, Sirius and I, with a bit of luck, are going to be Aurors anyway, so… will it be necessary?"

"Well, that depends, Mr Potter.  You have been accepted to the training programme – Barty Crouch mentioned it not so long ago – and you may, if you wish, complete the programme and join the Order afterwards, but… there is another way.  The Ministry of Magic is not officially aware of the existence of the Order of the Phoenix; however, I have reached an understanding with Amelia Bones, the Head of the Auror Office, whereby students may pursue their studies on a part-time basis, thus fulfilling their duties to the Order.  It will take an additional two years to qualify, but you will be participating in the War during that period."

Sirius and James, with that odd, non-verbal understanding they had, seemed to accept his words.  Dumbledore saw this, and turned to Dorcas.  "Miss Meadows," he said, "I understand you have been offered a position with Nimbus?"

"Yes sir, but it's not… I should be able to keep that up – it's only a few days a week."

Dumbledore smiled, saying, "You're quite right Miss Meadows.  I was hoping that you could work with Caradoc Dearborn for the next few months – he can no longer… I shall explain all this later.  Mr Dearborn is waiting outside, and he will speak with you afterwards."

Dorcas nodded, though Lily could see confusion marring her features.  However, she had no time to consider this, as Dumbledore faced her, and said, "Miss Evans, first of all I wish to express my sympathies.  I would have attended the funeral, but Miss McKinnon mentioned that your sister…"

Lily swallowed.  "Thank you, Professor."  James' hand, warm and comforting, pressed hers.

Dumbledore continued, "Professor Slughorn has always spoken very highly of you, as, no doubt, you are aware, and in light of this… I hope you will consider taking a position in the Dark Arts Defence League, under my old friend Elphias Doge."

It sounded familiar, but Lily just couldn't place where she'd heard of the organisation.  Fortunately Sirius said, incredulity colouring his tones, "But sir, the Defence League is just a bunch of old duffers waxing nostalgic about their glory days."

Dumbledore stared at him, and Sirius seemed to bite his tongue.  "Indeed, Mr Black.  However, current events being what they are, members of the League, who, as you know, are generally former Aurors, or others who have contributed to the fight against the Dark Arts in some way, are frequently in the position to receive information, of one sort or another, that is useful to the Order.  Miss Evans will provide a filter that will allow that information to reach us.  And, I need hardly add, that the position, as little work as it will require, is highly paid."

A knot of tension that had been in Lily's stomach vanished with those words – it was unspeakably comforting to know that she wouldn't be mooching off James or Sirius forever (at least, she assumed it was Sirius who'd left a stack of Galleons in her purse – she didn't know anyone else with that much money.)

She lifted her chin and said, "I'll do it."

Dumbledore nodded.  "Thank you, Miss Evans – this has been a pressing issue for some time now.  You shall be my representative, independent of the Ministry, and perhaps you might help Miss Meadows but…the rest of you will be assigned tasks in due course – these are merely the most pressing.  In any case, there is one final issue that needs to be resolved."

Dumbledore sipped his tea and offered everyone a Sherbet Lemon, before continuing.  "Because, members of the Order are frequently in dangerous situations, we have adopted a system.  We work in groups of four as much as is practicable – they are the most defensible."

Peter looked at the other three and said, "Well, sir… we're used to working together."

Dumbledore's mouth twitched – Lily didn't want to imagine why – and he said, "Indeed.  You have been extremely successful as a group; however, Mr Potter has also worked successfully with Miss Evans…"

Sirius coughed loudly, grinning at Remus, who seemed to swallow a smile.  Lily glared at both of them.

Dumbledore seemed sunk in thought for several moments before he said, "Best not to break up such a successful group I think.  Miss Evans, perhaps you could work with Miss Meadows and… the Prewetts.  I think that would work."

"Gideon and Fabian Prewett, sir?" Dorcas asked.

"Yes – and I think, Alice, that you and Frank would be best matched with Emmeline Vance and Dedalus Diggle."

They shrugged their shoulders, and said, "Certainly."

"In fact," Dumbledore said, "you may meet them today.  They're waiting for us in the Great Hall."

With that, the meeting seemed to be over, and they trooped down to the Great Hall, following the Headmaster.  It ought to have been a serious moment, but when Dorcas raised her eyebrows and said, "Gideon Prewett!" Lily couldn't help laughing.  She had fancied Gideon Prewett rather passionately back in first year, and Dorcas clearly didn't mean for her to forget it.

James looked baffled and said, "What about him?"

Dorcas grinned.  "Oh Lily _looved_ him."

Blushing, Lily made as if to hit her friend.  "Shut it!  How'd you like it if Kingsley Shacklebolt was here?"

"Lily!  How many times do I have to say it?  I _never_ fancied Kingsley – he was just a good captain."

Sirius laughed.  "So that's why you stayed late after practice all the time."

Dorcas flushed to the roots of her hair and muttered, "No," just as they entered the Great Hall.  Lily glimpsed Sirius staring at her quizzically, before Dumbledore ushered them towards the other members of the Order.

It was a long hour – Lily was introduced to so many people that she felt as if her head was spinning, and eventually she made her way over to where Peter stood in a corner.  He handed her a Butterbeer, and she slugged it gratefully.  Peter didn't seem to expect her to talk, and Lily leaned back against the wall, turning so the old stone could cool her forehead.  It was a lot to take in.

Dumbledore had taken her and Dorcas aside and introduced them to Caradoc Dearborn.  He had been in charge of gathering intelligence for the Order, but recent events had put him too much in the limelight, and Dorcas was to be his replacement.  Dumbledore said she was, with the possible exception of Peter, the only one of them sufficiently anonymous to go unnoticed; he didn't need to say that Peter's personality was too cautious for the task. 

Lily, meanwhile, was to serve as Dorcas' second, while, in Elphias Doge's words, 'charming ancient wizards and doing paperwork' for the League.  He assured her that she would have more than enough time for duties in the Order, and all in all, Lily believed him.  His face had an affectionate look.

The final event of the day was a photograph, and Lily persevered in smiling as a Sturgis Podmore fiddled with the camera, before dashing into the shot.  Although she trusted Dumbledore with her life, she had to admit she found the idea of this rag-tag group defeating Voldemort rather comical.  But she had faith.

It was late afternoon before they were finished, and she walked down to the gates of Hogwarts with the others.  Peter was meeting some Muggle girl he'd chanced to meet – he'd rather earnestly asked Lily what film they should see, and what he should wear, and should he bring a box of chocolates, and she'd been rather disconcerted about having to give such advice.  After careful thought she'd suggested 'Star Wars' and left the rest to Sirius; although his advice had been somewhat condescending, he knew a lot more about charming girls than she did.

It was nice to see Peter all excited about a girl – he was wringing his hands nervously as they walked – and Lily wished she could have said the same thing about Remus.  He seemed rather morose, and while it could just be the general difficulty of being a werewolf, Lily rather suspected there was more to it.  She didn't want to ask though, as she had a suspicion that Remus didn't want her getting too close.

In any case, he ambled down to Hogsmeade, claiming he had to go to the apothecary.  The late afternoon sunlight stretched their shadows out ahead of them – they were ten feet tall.  She felt nervousness surging in her stomach – James was taking her to meet his mother.

Dorcas winked at her and said, "Well I'd better go.  I promised my Gran I'd drop by.  She says she's got dozens of flats for us to look at, Lily."

She lifted her wand to Apparate, but Sirius caught her hand before she could complete the motion.  "What do you mean flats?" he said.

Dorcas stared.  "I can't kip with you forever – I need a place."

Sirius shrugged.  "Why?"

"Because… I can't.  I mean, why would you think…"  

She looked at him questioningly, and he said, "Well…makes more sense doesn't it?  Why pay for two?"

Dorcas bit her lip – Lily suspected he'd caught her severely off-balance – and said, "I have to go… I'll see you later?"

Sirius nodded and Dorcas leaned forward, in that oddly birdlike way she had, and kissed him on the cheek.  A moment later she was gone, and Sirius had that cocky grin on his face that always gave Lily the urge to say something cutting.

James took her hand however, and she could see he understood, and a moment later they popped into the space in front of his house.  Lily felt her jaw fall to somewhere in the region of her stomach, and for a moment she thought he was playing a trick on her. 

It took a moment for her to regain the use of her vocal cords, and when she did, the words "You didn't tell me you lived in a castle!" spilled out.

James ruffled his hair, looking uncomfortable, and said, "It's only a small one."

"A small one!  I live in a terrace!"

James shrugged.  "So?"

Lily was spluttering – not helped by the fact that Sirius was roaring with laughter beside her – and it was a moment before she managed to say, "It's a surprise."

"A good one, right?"

Lily felt limp, as he pulled her across the moat.  "Yeah," she said weakly.

*          *          *

She had to admit, it wasn't quite as ornate as she'd expected – the family rooms were cosy, with large, squashy chairs, family photos and shelves full of books.  If there'd been a few old cups of tea and an old newspaper lying around it would have felt just like her old home – for all that it had towers and swans and apparently secret doors.

James' mother was an elegant little woman, with thick white hair and lively brown eyes.  Her name was Elizabeth, and she had the steely bearing of an Auror – Lily had to respect a woman who could convince Sirius to take his feet _off_ the table with a single gesture.

Their conversation seemed to be going well – the boys were listening to a Quidditch match between the Magpies and the Cannons, though Lily couldn't imagine why, when the result was so clearly a foregone conclusion.  She told Elizabeth Potter about her new job and Dorcas, in whom James' mother expressed great interest.  Sirius shifted when he heard her name, and Lily rather suspected he was listening, but she wasn't saying anything he wouldn't already know.

Just as Lily began to feel comfortable, Elizabeth said, "I wondered, what family are you from dear?"

Something about the question didn't make sense, and Lily said, "I'm sorry?  I'm from my family – I mean, the Evans."

Comprehension seemed to dawn on Elizabeth's face, and she said, "You're Muggle-born."

Lily almost felt embarrassed as she said, "Yes… I am."

She felt terribly anxious about how Elizabeth Potter would react, but the older woman merely glared at her son.  "James," she said, her tone rather too sweet.

He turned around immediately.  "Yes, Mum?"

"Somehow, you neglected to mention that your girlfriend is Muggle-born."

James seemed magnificently confused, and he said, "So?  It doesn't matter."

Elizabeth sighed, half affection, half exasperation.  "Perhaps, _darling_ , it matters to Lily."

Lily felt bound to intervene.  "Honestly, Mrs Potter, it's fine… I mean, it's not… important to you is it?"

"Of course not!" Elizabeth Potter made a flapping motion with her hands, as though to tell her not to be so silly, and continued, "Now, tell me about your family."

Lily took a sip of her tea and said, "Well, there's not much to tell, really.  My… my parents are dead."

"Yes – James mentioned that.  How did it happen?"

Lily took a deep breath – it still wasn't easy to talk about.  "A car crash.  They told me my Mum died…on impact, but my Dad was still alive when they got him out, but…by the time they got him to the hospital…  The doctors couldn't do anything."

"I'm so sorry."

Lily swallowed what might have grown to be a sob, and said, "Thank you.  It hasn't been easy… Anyway, my family is quite boring.  My Dad was an only child, and his parents died years ago, so not much to tell there."

Elizabeth Potter's eyes never left her face, and it was oddly comforting.  "And what about your mother?"

"Well, that's kind of… complicated.  Her parents were Irish."

"Oh – the hair.  I did wonder."

Lily chuckled.  "Yeah," she said. "Well, they immigrated, years ago, but…they had one of those huge Irish families, only they got a bit unlucky."

Sirius and James were listening intently now, and James said, "How?"

"Well… there were five of them – three boys and two girls and… well my Mum's oldest brother was a pilot in the war, and he was shot down, somewhere over Holland I think."

Sirius seemed baffled.  "The war?"

"The second World War?  You must have heard of it.  Anyway, the other brother, the baby, he was killed in an air raid."

James swore under his breath, ignoring his mother's disapproving cluck, and said, "What happened to the other two?"

"Well, Aunt Rose felt 'the call'; she's a missionary in… Liberia, I think.  I'm not sure.  The only time I met her was the funeral, and… it didn't really penetrate.  And, I've never met Uncle Brian – he went off to Boston, America.  He sends us Christmas cards, though… but he might not now.  And you've met Petunia."

"Yeah."  James' face bore an expression of the most intense disgust imaginable, and Lily had to laugh.

James' mother smiled at her, but she looked suddenly tired, and a moment later Sirius said, "Can I get you anything?"

He seemed very much at home, and Elizabeth Potter shook her head.  "Thank you Sirius," she said, "but I think I'll just go lie down.  It was lovely to meet you after so many years, Lily."

She walked very slowly towards the stairs, and Lily realised suddenly just how frail she was.  James must have guessed what she was thinking, for he said, "Advanced vanishing sickness – it's past the contagious stage, but…"

She felt sick.  His father had only died a few months ago, and now… "I'm sorry, James."

He patted her hand, seeming distracted, and said, "Well, at least she liked you."

"Why would that matter?"

He looked slightly embarrassed, and said, "Well, you know mothers – want to know if the wife's decent and all that."

If the castle hadn't been a shock this was… "The wife!"

Sirius took one look at her and said, "I think I'll just go clean my bike, mate."  He practically ran out of the room.

James seemed completely relaxed, leaning back in his seat and saying, "Yeah – what's the problem?"

Lily still couldn't quite grasp what he'd said, and shaking her head asked, "You want to get _married_?"

"Well, yeah.  Don't you?"

"We're eighteen.  Actually, you're eighteen.  I won't be for another week and a half."

"So?"

"So, that's ridiculous.  We're way too young."

She was standing up now, pacing back and forth in front of him.  It was just too strange – she wished, rather resentfully, that James wouldn't be quite so unperturbed.  His eyes were following her as she walked, that wonderfully tender look in them again, and he said, "Do you love me?"

"You know I do!"

"And I love you – and I've known, for years, that this is what I want, and… it'd make my Mum happy."  He stood up then, crowding her, his arms warming the pale skin of her shoulders.

Shaking her head, Lily tried to keep it together.  "But, this is…marriage.  How can we…"

"Do you want it?"  Until then, James' voice had been calm, even slightly teasing, but for the first time Lily heard a note of fear.  He really wanted this.

Backing away, she said, "I…don't know.  I mean… I think so." The idea of living with James, being with him, was more than appealing but… "My parents wouldn't have wanted me to… not so young, but I do…"

He kissed her, and she was reminded again of just how right it was to be with him.  Just days before she'd been lost and terrifically unhappy, but the moment she'd seen him, she'd come home. 

She'd come home.  Home.

Lily broke away from him, pushing him back by nearly a foot.  She was gasping for breath, and for a moment she thought she might cry, though she didn't know why.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I need to… think."

And then she ran as fast as she could go, ran out of the room, out of the castle, across the moat, and threw herself down in the grass.  Dusk was falling around her, a lovely lavender-blue light filling the air, and Lily sighed as she felt the dew soak up through her jeans.

Marriage.  Could she marry James?  They were both so young, and they'd only just sorted things out between them, and… But she did love him.  She loved him more than she'd ever thought she could, because, after all, he was… James.  He wasn't boring, or perfect, he snored, and forgot things any other person would consider vitally important, and yet… he was always there.  He knew, without ever having to be told, what mattered, what she needed… and he made her laugh.

But…

Lily saw a flash of light in the distance, and then suddenly a wave of coldness swept through her.  She could hear clammy, rasping breathing, and somehow the voice of that Doctor, as though he was very far away… "We were unable to revive them."

Tears were streaming down her cheeks before she gathered her wits enough to recognise the effect.  Just as the thought struck her, she saw the _thing_ gliding towards her, moving smoothly across the grass, like a predator.  Its hands were raised, and Lily realised with a jolt of horror that it was hunting her.

Struggling to picture James' face, she raised her wand, backing slowly away from the Dementor.  The voice came again, sounding as though it was closer - "They died" - and Lily thought she might faint.

But James wasn't so very far away, he was only in the house, and he wanted to marry her.  He loved her.

Raising her voice, Lily said the words. " _Expecto Patronum._ "

A solid silver unicorn sprang from the tip of her wand and lowered its head at the Dementor, chasing it away.  Lily watched it chase the foul creature off into a copse of woods nearby, before it returned.

Just as her Patronus disappeared, James grabbed her round the shoulders.  The shock made Lily stick her wand into his face, and it was a moment before she realised who he was.  "Are you all right?" he said, running his hands up her body as though to check.

She nodded numbly.  It had been so eerie.

"I saw a flash," she said.

James shuddered.  "Where?"

Lily pointed.  "Maybe a mile away – I'm not sure."

He swore once again.  "There's a Muggle playground there.  They're sick."  He was rubbing her arms, as though to warm her.  "We have to go, Lily."

"Of course.  Should you get Sirius?"

"He's gone.  Went home to meet Dorcas."

"Okay then," Lily said, trying to think of a plan. "You tell your mother, and she can contact Dumbledore, and we'll get going.  We could get lucky; it might only be one of the stupider ones."

He gave a half-laugh and Apparated up to his mother's room.  After a moment or two he returned, carrying a chunk of chocolate and a long cardigan.  "Here," he said, "no point in doing it if you're still…"

"Thanks," she said, cramming the chocolate into her mouth.  The moment she was finished James kissed her fiercely, his fingers almost bruising her arms, the steel frames of his glasses digging into her skin.

When they broke apart Lily had just enough time to whisper, 'I love you,' before they left for the playground.

*          *          *

It was so much worse than Lily had imagined.  At first there had only been a few, one of whom she rather thought was Wilkes, torturing a teenage Muggle couple, who'd obviously snuck away from their parents.  It had only taken a moment to set them free, and facing off against Wilkes wasn't exactly terrifying.

She was just watching James Stun the other Death Eater, when she saw a figure coming towards them who filled her with fear.  Impossibly tall and thin, his power moving over him like a dark cloak and his face now almost deformed, Lily recognised Lord Voldemort.

He sent a curse towards them, which blew a hole ten feet deep in the ground and separated them.  Before she could even see where James was, Lily found herself doing battle with another Death Eater.  And this one was far more skilled and far more dangerous than Alan Wilkes.

There was a Dark Mark in the sky not too far away, and Lily realised that Wilkes and his companion had merely been lookouts.  Whatever was going on was far more important than Muggle-torture – the presence of the Dementor made that plain enough.

She barely had time to complete the thought however, busy as she was trying to dodge the Death Eater's curses.  It was a moment before she realised that he was backing her towards Voldemort.  Her horror at this discovery gave him just the time he needed to knock her off her feet.  She scrabbled backwards, keeping her wand up and desperately looking for a way to regain the advantage.

She saw at least two Cruciatus curses fly over her head, presumably towards James, and she offered up a prayer that he would survive, before opening a trench beneath the Death Eater's feet.  He fell nearly eight feet, and Lily raced towards the hole – hoping to Stun him while he was still disorientated.

She never got the chance however, for something jerked her off her feet, pulling her back a good twenty feet.  She landed on her front, all the air being pushed from her lungs, but somehow she managed to hang on to her wand.

Turning over, she saw the Dark Lord.

Standing as quickly as possible, Lily extended her wand in the duelling position – she glimpsed James just behind her, still duelling. 

This was death.  No one Voldemort wanted dead lived, and Lily could see in his eyes that he did want her dead.  He hated her – every single thing about her, from the red hair on her head to the blood that flowed in her veins – and if her concentration slipped, or even if it didn't, he _would_ kill her.

He stood very still, moving his wand in small, teasing circles.  Lily's nerves felt like jelly, and she almost wished he would strike, rather than play with her in this way.  Still, she matched his every movement, even managing to parry his first three spells, though the last one nearly knocked her off her feet.

Unfortunately, just at this point, James incapacitated his opponent and raced towards her – terrified that Voldemort would curse him, Lily risked a glance back, and in that moment the Dark Lord got under her guard.

She staggered, a searing pain spreading out along each of her ribs – but James had joined her by now, and he supported her, facing Voldemort.  They raised their wands in unison, though Lily's hand was shaking.  She was starting to feel that odd detachment that came with great pain.  All she could feel was the acid that seemed to be crawling along her bones – it was hard to focus.

James' eyes were furious, but Voldemort seemed almost amused.  Lazily, he uttered the words of an Anti-Apparition Jinx.  Mistily, Lily realised that this was bad – that jinx was a particularly hard one to undo.  They'd never get away now, she thought, almost indifferently.

It was getting harder and harder to stand, and James' left hand was now bracing her around the waist – he had no way of knowing just how much that increased the pain she was feeling.  She thought tears were streaming from her eyes, but it was such an effort to keep them open that she wasn't sure…  Voldemort was laughing… her arm was trembling, falling… James swore under his breath as they backed away…there were waves of pain surging through her chest, each worse than the last…the moonlight was too bright; it hurt her eyes…she heard him call them 'Fools!  Mudblood!  Blood Traitor!'… there was a chill in the air…

Suddenly James was pulling her backwards, behind a small bush.  She let her wand arm drop, as he said, "Lily!  Lily!"

She gasped – the burning sensation was spreading to her stomach now.  She just managed to stay, "Hurts!"

There were tears in his voice as he said, "I know.  I know.  Just give me one minute, all right?"

She felt a sharp tap on her head, and coolness, wonderful cool water surging down her body, dulling for one moment the sting, the burning in her bones, in her heart now.

"Okay, Lily, listen… I'm going to transform.  You have to get on my back, okay?"  James' voice was very far away – she noted absently that he seemed upset.

Her own voice was very thin, little more than a whisper, as she said, "Sore…too sore…"

"I know, love, I know, but… _please_."

It was little more than a breath now.  "Yes."

A moment later something warm… and huge, was lying beside her, and almost asleep, Lily stretched an arm up.  It was too high; she'd never be able to get up… but she'd promised James.

It hurt to lie still, it hurt to breathe, let alone to move, but somehow Lily managed it.  She nearly collapsed once she'd climbed up, the pain shocking her back into consciousness.  Then the creature… a stag, a huge, beautiful stag… was standing up and they were racing away…

She caught a glimpse of Voldemort, surrounded by Dementors…and then the pain hit her again…

Lily bit her lip.  The jolting made it worse, and she seemed to drift in and out as the animal beneath her moved…

And then she slid to the ground, and she could hear James' breathing, and she thought he said something, but his voice was only a tiny echo in her ear, and then they were moving again, and it hurt so much she would have screamed, if only she could…

It was hot, and there was ash in her throat… and she heard James say, "Lily don't bloody _do_ this to me!"

And then blackness.  Nothing.

*          *          *

It was a white room.  That was the first thing she noticed when she woke up.  That, and James asleep in a chair beside her, his legs spread out carelessly, where anyone could trip over him.  Lily smiled and reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but it must have caught her in the wrong place, because she felt a sharp burst of pain, and sank back onto the pillows, gasping.

James was immediately awake.  "Easy, easy now," he said.

He poured her a glass of water and watched her gulp it down, before he said, "That was a nasty curse.  The Healer said it'd be a week before you're back to normal."

"Oh," Lily said, "what happened?"

James rubbed his face with his hands, yawning quite powerfully, before saying, "Well, he got you… I can't believe you stayed standing for as long as you did, but…I thought we were done for, Lily, and then… we got a little help."

"Who?"

He shook his head, and Lily could see the dark marks under his eyes.  "Not who – what.  It was Dementors, about twenty of them, I think – they distracted him."  James shook his head, clearly disturbed.  "Dumbledore came in earlier.  Benjy Fenwick is dead."  
  


Lily looked at him questioningly. 

"He was a friend of my Dad's, and… there wasn't a body, Lily… just pieces…" 

She stretched her arms out and hugged him then – it was very quiet in her room.  She could hear dim noises coming from outside, but they seemed to fade to nothing – all that mattered were James' soft gasps, the gentle words she said, trying to comfort him.  He kept saying how frightened he'd been, how he'd thought she was dead, how he couldn't stand it…

Finally he drew away, and in an attempt to cheer him up, Lily said, "James, you know what you said yesterday?"

He stiffened, his jaw tight.  "Yeah?"

"I've thought about it…and…" Lily looked out the window – the sun was shining, and she could just see the light green leaves of a willow tree against the blue sky – and she said, "I think…you're right.  I want to marry you, James.  But, there's one thing."

He ran his fingers through his hair.  "What?"

"You'll have to wait at least two weeks.  Petunia won't give her permission."

James started to laugh, and then he hugged her.  He was joyous, his eyes shining, and then he said, "Lily – I could sing."

Lily felt as though her face would burst from smiling, just looking at him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, the castle James 'lives' in is a real place, Oxburgh Hall, and you can see pictures of it here:  
> http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/main/w-vh/w-visits/w-findaplace/w-oxburghhall.htm
> 
> and here:  
> http://www.heritage.me.uk/houses/oxburgh_hall.htm
> 
> Secondly, the title of this chapter comes from T.S. Eliot's great poem, The Wasteland:
> 
> I. The Burial of the Dead
> 
> … What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow  
> Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,  
> You cannot say, or guess, for you know only  
> A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,  
> And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,  
> And the dry stone no sound of water. Only  
> There is shadow under this red rock,  
> (Come in under the shadow of this red rock),  
> And I will show you something different from either  
> Your shadow at morning striding behind you  
> Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;  
> I will show you fear in a handful of dust.


	10. The Birthday of My Life

#### 10:The Birthday of My Life

 

Lily had never dreamt of her wedding day – she'd assumed that it would happen sometime far in the future, but that had been the extent of any consideration she'd given the subject.  Even after James had given her the ring – a beautiful ruby in an old-fashioned gold setting – Lily's idea of the actual wedding had remained rather hazy.  They'd told everyone, and she'd been especially gratified by Elizabeth Potter's genuinely overjoyed reaction.  Somehow, Lily had clung to a niggling worry that a Muggle-born wouldn't be acceptable as James' wife.  Oh, she knew it was ridiculous, she knew James' family had always set themselves firmly against blood prejudice, but still… the fear had lingered.

Everyone else had been thrilled – Lily had a feeling that, with all the high seriousness of joining the Order and committing to the fight against Voldemort, people needed a party.  Remus had admittedly only smiled in his quiet way, but James seemed completely unsurprised by his lack of enthusiasm.  After a long discussion with Dorcas, Lily had elected not to pursue the matter – if Remus was unhappy, for whatever reason, there was little she could do about it.    In any case, between Frank's training sessions and Marlene's planning, Lily scarcely had time to draw breath.

The training was difficult – even Sirius had admitted to feeling some strain – but it was worth it.  Lily's reactions were faster, more focused than they'd ever been.  Frank claimed they could stun a fly at thirty paces, which wasn't entirely true, but…close enough.  It hadn't been entirely a matter of magic either; Frank insisted that they practise the basics until their responses weren't only fast, but what would be far more important – accurate.

It was exhausting, and Lily had wanted nothing more than to collapse into her bed at each day's finish.  Unfortunately however, Marlene had different ideas, and they'd spent most of their evenings planning the wedding.  Marlene was actually pretty good at this stuff, and she'd kept the ridiculous details to a minimum, but still… Lily didn't really care about the details.  As long as the cake tasted good, everyone had seats and her dress didn't make her look like some type of dessert, Lily would be happy.

Dorcas had got out of this most recent session, begging off on the excuse that Caradoc Dearborn had to introduce her to some people.  Lily had been unable to attempt something similar, as Marlene had something desperately important to discuss.  However, the four of them had been talking for nearly an hour, and it had yet to come up.  At least Sirius had bought them food.

Marlene seemed to sense Lily's impatience, for she smiled at her and said, "Nearly finished, I promise."

Sirius slapped his drink down on the table and grinned, "Thank God."  Lily suspected he was slightly drunk.

Marlene handed them a list of names.  "I think," she said, "that's almost everyone, but there might be the odd person you need to add."

James glanced at it quickly and said, "I'm sure there are a couple of cousins Mum'll want me to add.  Lily?"

Lily looked at her hands; she wasn't sure what James would think.  "I want to ask Petunia."

The back legs of Sirius' chair hit the floor with a clap.  "What do you want to ask her for?"

"She's my sister – she's my only family…"

"And what do you think is going to happen, Lily?  She kicked you out; I don't think she's going to show up throwing confetti."

Lily shifted in her seat – even if he was right… "I have to _try_ , Sirius."

"She's an evil-minded cow.  Why bother?"

"It's what…they'd have wanted."   

Lily had hoped that mentioning her parents would shut him up, but Sirius was still glowering at her, and he seemed quite disposed to argue the point, when James locked eyes with him.  A moment later Sirius thumped his fist on the table.  "Fine.  You'll find out either way."

The air bristled, and Lily was studiously staring out the window when Marlene said, "Lily, it's not too important, but… is there anyone you want to give you away?"

At least this issue could be dealt with quickly.  Lily smiled and said, "I've already asked someone."

"Oh great – who?" 

Marlene's face was alight with curiosity, and Lily said, "Well, not Vernon Dursley, that's for sure."

"I didn't imagine…"

"I asked Remus."  Realising that everyone was staring at her, she added, "And, he said yes."

There was a funny look in James' eyes as he said, "You asked Remus?"

"Yeah – yesterday, remember Frank gave us an hour off 'cause we finished that potion early?  Well, I talked to him about it, and he agreed – it took a while to convince him, but… it's fine."

James chewed on his lower lip, but said nothing, and Lily felt bound to add,  "I want it to be someone I know and, that day…when my parents… he was wonderful.  He was the one who talked to Petunia.  I suppose I wanted to say thank you or something."

"But, Remus?" 

James seemed almost upset, and for the life of her, Lily couldn't understand it.  "What's the problem – he was glad.  Kumar would have died of embarrassment."

Sirius chose this moment to say, "Why didn't you ask me?"  
  


"You?"

"Yeah – haven't I done enough?"

Lily was by now so confused that she was reduced to sputtering.  "You're best man." 

Sirius merely stared at her, and for a horrible moment Lily thought that maybe he wasn't – until she saw him wink at James.  "You know what," she said, "you're just evil – you're an evil man."

He grinned, and poured himself another glass.  Marlene slapped his head sharply, saying, "Pace yourself, Sirius.  I'm in no mood for alcohol poisoning."  He looked wounded, and Marlene turned away from his mournful expression, saying, "All right, last thing, and James, you'll be happy to know that this has nothing to do with you.  In fact, you have to sit out here until we're finished."

He leaned back, putting his feet on the table and looking supremely contented, as Marlene grabbed both Lily and Sirius by the wrist and dragged them down the corridor to Sirius' bedroom.  "Right," she said to Sirius, "you wait out here till I call you.  Lily?"

Shrugging her shoulders apologetically to Sirius, Lily followed Marlene into the room.  Marlene was babbling as she opened a large garment bag, saying, "I know you wanted to get a dress made or something, but I saw this in Muggle London the other day, and it's just _perfect_ Lily, and it was the last one left, so…you can take it back if you want, but…I thought you could try it at least."

Dazed, Lily nodded.  "Sure..."

"Well…now."

"Oh… right." 

As soon as Lily had removed her rather disgusting training clothes and clunky shoes, Marlene pulled the dress over her head.  Seeing it on the hanger, Lily had been rather dubious, but the moment the material settled over her, she knew it was good – there was that indescribable feeling of a dress that makes you feel beautiful. 

The dress was sleeveless, with a v-neck and a long flowing skirt, all made from a beautiful soft white lace.  It clung to her and seemed to whisper against her skin as she moved, and even at the end of a long day, with her hair scragged up and nails that probably needed a good scrubbing, Lily felt lovely.

Seeing her smile, Marlene said, "A male opinion perhaps?"

When Lily nodded, Marlene thumped on the door and let Sirius in.  He was not in good humour, moaning, "Is this going to take long, because, honestly Marlene, I've had about as much of this as I can…"

His voice trailed off, and his expression was slightly dumbstruck.  Somewhat surprised Lily said, "What?  Is it not nice?"

He nodded his head sharply.  "Oh… it's nice, Lily, it's nice.  Prongs'll wet himself."

Laughing a little, Lily said, "Really – it doesn't hang weirdly, or bunch or anything?"

"No."

She actually addressed the question to Marlene, but Sirius' tone was so emphatic that Lily felt a sudden surge of confidence.  "Well," she said, "I think it's the dress then."

Sirius coughed, and she looked at him.  "Er… Just a suggestion, Lily."

"Yeah?"

"Maybe, next time… you shouldn't wear black underwear."

He left the room before Lily had time to throw a pillow at him. 

Marlene laughed, and unzipped the dress for her.  "You should bring it back to the house," she said. "I wouldn't trust Sirius not to transfigure it into a spare seat for his bike."

Lily chuckled and said, "Marlene?"

"Yeah?"

"I just… Thanks for doing all of this.  I mean, it can't have been easy, organising everything… and dealing with all of us – I know I've been a bit moody, but… I really am grateful."

Marlene smiled.  "Lily, I'm happy to do it – and I'm glad that you decided to do this, I think it's the right thing."

"Thanks, Marlene." 

Lily hugged her – it was impossible to express what it meant to her to have someone who cared about the roses and the dress and the cake, even though Lily herself didn't.  They were exactly the kind of details Lily's Mum would have spent months on – Lily had thought she'd lost that kind of caring, that kind of interest forever. 

Marlene seemed to guess what was running through Lily's mind, for she smoothed her hair back and said lightly, "Besides, it'll be good practise for my wedding."

Lily sat on the bed, saying teasingly, "Which will happen any decade now?"

Marlene slapped at her.  "Don't be silly – you sound like Dermot.  I will marry, Lily, when I am ready to marry.  And when I'm actually a qualified Healer, for that matter."

Lily winced sympathetically.  "Has it been an issue?"  
  


"Not exactly – it's more the Order.  I can't tell Dermot, and he can't join… he's absolutely rubbish at Defence, couldn't stun a fruitbat, so… I keep disappearing, he doesn't know what it's about…"

"You're like Superman or something."

Marlene looked confused, and Lily said, "Marlene, all superheroes have trouble with the whole secret identity thing… you'll work it out."

"Yeah." 

Marlene's smile was pensive, and in an attempt to lift her spirits, Lily said, "But there is one thing you forgot."

"What?"

"We need to get Dorcas a dress that'll make Sirius look _exactly_ like he just did – only more."

"Still having trouble then?"

Lily shook her head.  "Not really, just… the usual Sirius and Dorcas thing.  He hasn't said what she is to him, and of course she won't ask, so…but she's still sleeping here, so it can't be all bad."

Marlene sighed.  "You think they'll still be doing this when we're fifty?"

"At this rate?"

"You're right – we definitely need to find a dress."

*          *          *

The morning of the wedding was perfect, one of those deep, rich summer days that come only on the cusp of autumn.  Everything was prepared, right down to the last goblet, and Lily could see the tables set out in the courtyard as she dressed.  Marlene did her hair and make-up, chatting lightly the whole time, while Dorcas kept up a running commentary on which guests had arrived and whether they'd brought presents.  Lily and Marlene had combed several shops before finding a deep red dress for Dorcas – the cut was simple, but the colour made her look wonderful, and they'd secretly wondered if she'd ever let them borrow it.

A large owl landed on the window-sill as Sirius knocked on the door.  He eased his way in as Marlene hurried to take the letter.  He was still staring, goggle-eyed, at Dorcas when Marlene said, "Lily, it's for you."

The envelope was thick and white, and Lily's heart sank when she recognised the handwriting.  Inside there was an invitation, ripped in half.  So Petunia wasn't coming.

It must have shown on her face, for Marlene moved towards her and said, "Lily?  What's wrong?"

She held up the invitation in mute response – it said enough.  Marlene bit her lip and said, "I'm really sorry – she's a fool for missing it, Lily."

She had to swallow back tears as she said, "I just wanted someone from my family…"  Dorcas looked stricken, and Lily cut herself off.  It was no good upsetting herself.  "Look," she said, "could we just…forget that this came, 'cause, there's a wedding downstairs, and I want to enjoy it, and…you're all here, and that's what really matters, not…her.  I mean…there's a cake."

A moment later she was half buried between Marlene and Dorcas, who both seemed somewhat tearful.  The only thing that stopped them from degenerating into all out sobs was the snap of Sirius' camera.

"Sorry," he said, "couldn't resist.  Are you about ready to go, because I think James may have a heart attack if he has to wait much longer."

"Remus calming him down?" 

He nodded emphatically.  "But, even he can only do so much."

"Well," Lily said, looking at the others for confirmation, "we're finished here, so…"

"Okay then."

As they made their way downstairs, Sirius grasped her upper arm and turned her about, saying, "Lily, about…"

"About what?"

"What I said about that cow… I didn't want to be right."

Lily frowned.  "I know you didn't."

"It's…I'm just sorry."

"Sirius, I understand… And, she _is_ a cow."

He grinned and raced off to get James.  Lily had a few minutes to wait before everything was prepared, but Remus eventually offered her his arm, and off they went.

She never remembered many of the details about the ceremony, except for an incredible feeling of tranquillity, and an intense surge of joy whenever she met James' eyes.  Brief impressions registered – all of her friends sitting on the bride's side, Professors McGonagall and Slughorn sitting at the back, Peter sitting between his own mother and Elizabeth Potter, offering tissues to both, Sirius attempting to make Dorcas laugh, Marlene and Dermot holding hands… And then it was over, she had a gold band on her finger, and, if she wanted, she could call herself Mrs Potter.

The reception passed in a dizzy whirl as Lily attempted to speak with everyone, dance with James and drink several glasses of champagne (Marlene had apparently learned it was a common drink at Muggle weddings, and had procured rather a large amount).

Eventually she gave up and made her way over to Dorcas.  James was busy chatting with some of his fellow trainee Aurors, and Lily sat down gratefully.  Her shoes were starting to pinch.  Dorcas was smiling contentedly, and she said, "So, how does it feel to be a married woman?"

"I don't think I'm meant to be this unsteady on my feet.  Not very respectable."

Dorcas patted her on the knee, and said, "Doesn't matter.  Where are you going afterwards?"

Lily threw her hands up melodramatically.  "No idea – James refuses to tell me.  He says I'll like it."

 "I'm sure you will, Lily."

"Why are you laughing at me?"

"It's just, you're a bit sloshed, love."

Scandalised, Lily said, "Well don't tell anyone!"

Dorcas giggled, and thankfully they were joined a moment later by Sirius, who was escorting James' mother.  She looked very happy, but Lily could see she looked rather tired, and it was no surprise when she said, "I'm very sorry dear, but would you mind if I went upstairs?"

"Oh, of course not – I hope you're all right; I know it's been a long day."

Elizabeth Potter waved a hand.  "I'm fine, but…that Muggle drink your friend brought is a little stronger than I realised."

"I'm sorry…I didn't know either."

"Don't be sorry… You look beautiful, Lily, and I'm very glad."

Lily ducked her head momentarily, blinking back tears.  "Thank you," she said.

Elizabeth nodded, and she looked ready to go when Sirius said, "Mrs Potter, have you met my girlfriend, Dorcas?"

Elizabeth Potter did a double take, while Dorcas' cheeks flushed.  She stood and shook hands with the older woman, as Sirius said, "She's Harold Meadowes' daughter."

"Oh…of course.  You look very like your mother."

"Thank you."

Dorcas seemed to be at a loss for words, and after a moment James' mother said, "I daresay you must have a lot of patience to put up with him; he's a holy terror, that bike of his…"

Dorcas shrugged, unable to disguise the happiness in her voice.  "I do my best."

Elizabeth Potter nodded, and said, "Well, goodnight girls."

Sirius took her arm, and the moment they were out of earshot, Dorcas' hands flew up in a fluttery motion as she said, "Did you hear that Lily?  He said I'm his girlfriend – he did, after all that time, and with Veronica in the crowd."

Lily sighed.  "You're not _still_ jealous of her, are you?"

"No – but she is really pretty, Lily."

"You're really pretty, Dorcas, and…he hasn't even noticed her.  To be quite honest, I'd be worried for my virtue if I was you."

Dorcas grinned and said, "He can do whatever he wants with my 'virtue'!"

Lily gasped, and a moment later they were both laughing.  Lily's stomach actually hurt, especially when Sirius rejoined them and wanted to know what the joke was.  It was several minutes before he gave up and asked Dorcas to dance. 

Lily watched them, noting that Dorcas was no more sober than she was, but Sirius seemed to have little difficulty catching her.  Lily couldn't remember ever having seen either of them smile so much, and it lightened her heart to see them laughing and kissing at long last.

Roisín and Kumar had also noticed this happy event and they spent several minutes gushing about what a handsome couple they made, before telling Lily that Kumar had been accepted as a trainee Ministry liaison.

Thankfully James joined her before she could become too bored by details of wizarding diplomacy, and he insisted that they have one last dance and then leave.  Lily was quite happy to comply, with only one minor quibble – she wanted to throw the bouquet.

Which she did.  Unfortunately however, Lily was not, by any stretch of the imagination, the world's best thrower, and it hit Marlene on the head before landing at Dorcas' feet.  No one caught it.

That done, James grabbed her hand and Apparated them to his mystery destination.

*          *          *

The air smelt of salt and wind – Lily's hair whipped into her face as she stared out to sea.  Next stop America. It was bizarre really, especially when one considered the huge drop.  James, quite frankly, didn't believe that Muggles could have built such a huge fort so high up, and had searched high and low for any trace of magic.

They weren't the only tourists at Dun Aengus – there was a group of school children, and a pair of Muggles carrying obscenely large cameras.  It was Lily's favourite spot on the island, and she'd insisted that they come up for the third time in a week.  Inish More was enjoying the last days of summer, and she and James had spent the days swimming or sunbathing, cycling around the island (it had been particularly entertaining watching James learn how to use a bike) and sleeping, or not, for as long as they could possibly want.

The cottage they were staying in was somewhat basic, but the thatched roof, white stone, and back garden full of flowers more than made up for it.  The door opened onto the beach, and they'd gone swimming late at night more than once.

She was sitting on a low stone wall now, enjoying the view.  There was a distinct chill in the air, and Lily had a feeling that their all too brief idyll was coming to an end.

James sat behind her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders.  He was grinning, and she couldn't help herself.  "Any luck yet?"

"None.  I don't know how they did it Lily – all those stones."

"There were an awful lot of them, James."

A particularly savage gust of wind blew her hair straight into his face, and Lily turned, laughing.  "Sorry," she said, "it gets a bit uncontrollable."

"No," he said, "I like it."

"You like my hair in your face?"

James leaned closer, nuzzling her neck, and said, "I do – I like how it smells."

Lily laughed, blushing slightly.  "You're being ridiculous."

"No, no I'm not," he declared. "It's my favourite thing about being married to you – I wake up every morning, and I know you're there, 'cause I can smell it.  I don't even have to open my eyes."

She pushed at his chest weakly.  "Has anyone ever told you you're rather strange?"

James tilted his chin as though considering the matter.  "Do you know," he said, "I rather think someone did – very odd girl, bit of a spitfire.  I wonder what happened to her."

Lily laughed.  "Maybe she reconsidered her position."

James shook his head, looking at her knowingly.  "Maybe she still needs to be convinced," he said.

"And what do you think would do that?"

"I don't know – I suggest we return to the cottage and consider options."

Lily kissed him – it was the only thing to do when he insisted on being so… she wanted to say odd, but she already knew she found him thoroughly charming.

She might have kissed him for rather longer, had it not started to rain.  And rain off the Atlantic was clearly a rather savage beast, nothing like the gentle drizzle that sometimes engulfed London.  The other people vanished quickly, and Lily spared a thought to be extremely grateful for Apparition – they were back in the cottage within seconds.

They'd received several letters in their absence, one from Sirius, and James decided to read it and watch the cloudburst while Lily had a bath.  She sang to herself as she washed her hair and scrubbed herself thoroughly.

Once she was finished, she read the short note Arnold Peasegood had sent her.  He hadn't been able to come to the wedding, but he offered congratulations and mentioned that someone had magically rigged her sister's alarm to go off ten times a day.  Lily had a suspicion as to who that might have been, and she said it to James as she sat beside him.  "Sirius hasn't been in Little Whinging lately, has he?"

When he turned to her, Lily saw that he'd been crying.  Her heart in her mouth, she said, "What is it?"

He swallowed, and took her hand.  "I'm really sorry, Lily."

  
"What's happened, James?"  She was trembling – she didn't want to think about what could come next.

He handed her the letter, and said, "Marlene."

"What?"  Lily's hand was at her mouth, and tears seemed to shiver out of her eyes.  "What happened?"

"Sirius said she went to visit her family – her Mum was sick or something – and…they were attacked.  They're all dead, Lily."

Lily fell back on the bed – it was too much to take in.  Marlene's little brother was only twelve, her parents had been innocent, had known nothing, Marlene… Marlene…

She let out a cry of pain then, digging her fist into the covers, because Marlene, Marlene, her friend for so many years, the older sister she'd truly wanted, Marlene was gone – Marlene had never married Dermot, never grown old, never even fully qualified as a Healer, never, never, never…

James held her – that was all he could do.  They lay on the bed, intertwined, as the rain pounded the beach outside and night fell.  At least James was warm.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from Christina Rossetti's poem A Birthday.
> 
>  
> 
> My heart is like a singing bird
> 
> Whose nest is in a watered shoot;
> 
> My heart is like an apple tree
> 
> Whose boughs are bent with thickset fruit;
> 
> My heart is like a rainbow shell
> 
> That paddles in a halcyon sea;
> 
> My heart is gladder than all these
> 
> Because my love is come to me.
> 
> Raise me on a dais of silk and down;
> 
> Hang it with vair and purple dyes
> 
> Carve it with doves and pomegranates
> 
> And peacocks, with a hundred eyes.
> 
> Work it in gold and silver grapes
> 
> In leaves and silver fleur-de-lys
> 
> Because the birthday of my life
> 
> Is come, my love is come to me.
> 
>  The place James and Lily visit on their honeymoon, is the promontory fort Dun Aengus, on the Aran Islands off the west coast of Ireland.  A picture of it can be found here:
> 
> http://picturepress.ie/liam_blake_dun_aengus_aran_islands_postcard_image


	11. Withered on the Bough

#### 11:Withered on the Bough

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; nor have I ever earned money from Harry Potter. I do this purely for my own amusement

Lily shivered, and stepped gingerly into the kitchen.  It wasn’t often one found a pleasant murder scene of course, but this one was particularly unpleasant.  Perhaps Voldemort was trying to send a message to the Goblins – Gideon claimed that this family was related to the founder of Gringotts through a distant cousin, but…even if that was the case, this murder seemed spectacularly gruesome.

During her first year working for the Order, Lily might have felt faint, or sick, upon seeing such a case; now, however, she could walk through it easily.  Admittedly, she had a feeling she’d be waking James up in the middle of the night again, but he was well used to it by now.

Even the babies had been killed.

There was nothing here that would help them, and Lily looked at Fabian, who was examining a curse mark on the back door.  “I think,” she said, “we should get going.”

Fabian glanced at her quickly.  “You worried about the Aurors?”

Lily tapped her wand against her mouth thoughtfully.  “A little.  Their response times have been getting quicker, and…I just don’t think we should advertise that we’re here.  Crouch has been making noises…”

“About unwanted allies and vigilantes, yeah…” Fabian said. “I read that editorial too.  Do you want to get the other two?”

Just as he said the words, Lily heard a loud crash from the next room, and a moment later, Gideon saying, “A little help please?”

The dining room wasn’t quite as covered in blood as the kitchen, thank goodness, but it was nonetheless something of a mess.  This wasn’t helped by the fact that Dorcas had what appeared to be a large snake clamped to her right upper leg.  She was flailing about the room in way that seemed likely to do even further damage to the furnishings

“What happened?” Lily asked.

Gideon grinned, and said, “I think it’s one of the traps Potter was talking about.”

Lily sighed, though listening to Dorcas swearing gave her a strong urge to laugh.  “How many times do I have to say it – call him James.  He hates it when you do that.”

“Why do you think I do it, then?”

Lily shook her head.  She got on very well with Gideon and Fabian, but they did seem to take a certain demonic pleasure in winding James and Sirius up.  Most of the time it was very entertaining (it was always enjoyable to see Sirius taken down a peg or two) but it could make meetings rather tense.  Besides which, from a couple of things Dorcas had said, Lily rather thought Sirius misinterpreted their reasons.

She didn’t quite understand the antagonism between them, but had long ago chalked it up to some male thing that would forever be beyond her comprehension.  After all, Gideon and Fabian were a lot of fun, even if they occasionally crossed the line.

The two were identical twins – the only thing that distinguished them being Fabian’s earring – both were tall, and rather stocky.  One couldn’t call them good-looking exactly, but they had such cheerful-looking faces that one couldn’t help but look forward to seeing them.  They’d gone out together a few times – Lily and Dorcas usually ended up drunk – but it was good to get an opportunity to relax. 

Dorcas sat down on a battered chair, panting slightly.  “Does it hurt?”  Lily asked.

“Not really – it’s not comfortable.  I can’t exactly move much.”

Lily looked at Fabian – he seemed to share her apprehension, for he said, “I think we need to get moving.  Didn’t _James_ think the Death Eaters do it to catch people?”

Dorcas’ face paled, and she nodded sharply.  Gideon looked around, but thankfully they were still alone.  “Right,” he said, “Fabian, you need to get a tip-off to the Aurors.  They’ll be here soon, and they won’t know.”  Fabian nodded, and with a sharp crack, he was gone.  “Dorcas, I’ll take you to St. Mungo’s.  Lily?”

She shook her head.  “I’ve to get back – I’ll let Dumbledore know.”

Dorcas nodded, “Tell them all what happened, will you?”

A moment later, Lily was standing outside her own home.  She and James were living not too far from his mother, in a decent sized house.  Vanishing sickness was a funny thing, and Elizabeth Potter had hung on for nearly two years now.  James had explained that the crisis could come at any time, but…until then, she enjoyed remarkably good health for a woman with a fatal illness.

Their house was…well, in her saner moments, Lily sometimes wondered if she and James had gone mad.  Even though it wasn’t especially large, it was, for lack of a better word, her dream house.  Most of it was perfectly normal (well, normal for wizards) but in return for letting him have a miniature quidditch pitch in the backyard, James had helped Lily put up a cinema on the second floor.  She wasn’t sure Remus would ever forgive her for making him sit through all of “Gone With the Wind” the previous Christmas (though she was sure she’d seen tears in his eyes at the end.)

With a wave of her wand, Lily conjured a Patronus, which she sent off to Dumbledore with all possible speed.  It shouldn’t take more than three or four minutes to reach him.  That done, she took a deep breath and tried to shake off the images of that goblin family… Roisín and Kumar were coming over, and it wouldn’t do to seem depressed.

Sighing, Lily opened the front door, pausing briefly to check her reflection in the mirror.  She had quite a knack for getting streaks of dirt on her face, but thankfully today she looked almost presentable.  She could hear voices, and she made her way down to the kitchen, which had somehow become the most used room in the house.

Roisín and Kumar sat at the kitchen table, chatting with James and Sirius, and rose to greet her as she entered.  Lily had always found them an interesting pair to look at; Roisín was one of the Black Irish, with such dark skin and hair that she looked more like a Spaniard, while Kumar had drooping eyes and an elegant manner that ought to have belonged to a maharajah. 

She had barely time to say hello, when Sirius, who was sitting at the other end of the table, said, “Where’s Dorcas?”

Lily blinked.  “She had a bit of an accident – she’s in St Mungo’s.  I’m fine, by the way.”

He seemed annoyed.  “Why didn’t you go with her?”

“I have company – as you know – and, Gideon said he’d take her.”

Sirius swore loudly, and said, “Gideon?”

“Yes, Sirius – Gideon!”  Lily couldn’t quite keep a mocking tone from her voice, but he ignored her and raced for the door.  She looked at James questioningly, but he shook his head, and said, “Remus said he’d test my defensive charms – I won’t be long.”

Shaking her head, Lily sat down and said, “Sorry about that; it gets a bit hectic around here sometimes.”

Roisín smiled.  “Not to worry, Lily.  Will Dorcas be all right?”

“Oh, she’ll be fine.  It wasn’t anything serious – just difficult.  Hopefully it won’t take too long.”

Kumar looked relieved, and Roisín took his hand without looking.  “The thing is, Lily,” she said, “Part of the reason we came was…well, we have some news.”

Lily leaned back in her seat, preparing herself for a shock.  Last time they’d said those words, they’d been planning a combination Catholic and Indian wedding (which was certainly…a sight), and the time before that they’d informed her that they’d been in love since they were twelve, and although she had a suspicion as to what was coming, there was no knowing what especial flare Roisín and Kumar would add to it.

She wasn’t disappointed.  Kumar cleared his throat, and said, “We’re going to have a baby – in India.”

She couldn’t help herself.  “What!...I mean, congratulations, that’s wonderful, but…what?”

Roisín looked at her understandingly, and said, “Well, actually…we’re having twins.”

“Oh.  Of course.”  Lily sounded even more pole-axed than she’d expected.  “Did James get you coffee?”

Kumar eyed her.  “It’s all right, Lily,” he said.

“It’s just…why are you leaving?”

Roisín sighed and said, “We don’t have much of a choice, really.  I mean, we have thought about this, Lily, and…with things the way they are…”

“So you’re just going to run?”

They both seemed stung at this comment, and Lily made placatory movements with her hands.  “I’m sorry,” she said, “I just don’t understand why you have to leave.”

Kumar stared at her, and Roisín said, “We’re about to have children and…it’s too dangerous, Lily.  We haven’t married into one of the most powerful pureblood families like you have – and…Kumar has family in Delhi, so…”

“But…” Lily couldn’t help herself – she knew that what they said made sense, but…she didn’t want to lose another friend.

Roisín sighed.  “Think about it, Lily,” she said, “They still haven’t caught whoever it was that murdered Marlene, and wasn’t that friend of Dorcas’ killed not so long ago?”

“Caradoc Dearborn, and…we don’t know he’s dead.”

Kumar raised an eyebrow, and Lily sighed.  She already knew that she wouldn’t be able to change their minds.  “But, how will you live?” she asked.

Roisín grinned, pride beaming from every feature.  “Kumar’s been made Ministry Liaison to India.”

“Oh.  Well, that’s…well done.  I’m really happy for you.”

In fact, Lily felt suddenly desolate inside, and although they talked for several minutes, there was a definite chill in the air.  Lily knew it was probably her fault, but…it seemed like she had no friends of her own left.  Of course, Dorcas was still around, and Dorcas was wonderful, but…Marlene was two years dead, Roisín and Kumar were leaving, she’d lost touch with Ann, Arnold Peasegood had joined Crouch’s faction in the Ministry, and Gaspard was always up to his ears in research.

There were times when she couldn’t help but feel jealous of James and his friends.  It had used to be that she was glad that, even if her group wasn’t quite as close-knit, she had more, and more varied, friends than he did, but now…

Roisín and Kumar made their apologies, and stood to go.  Collecting herself, Lily asked, “When will you be leaving?”

Kumar sighed, and said, “In two days.”

“So soon?”

Roisín’s face was very dark as she said, “We’ve received several…threats, so, we think it’s best to go as soon as possible.”

Lily bit her lip and said, “I’m sorry.  You’re doing the right thing.”

“Thanks, Lily.  I’m sorry we couldn’t stay longer, it’s just…if we don’t see her, could you tell Dorcas we said goodbye?”

“Of course,” she said, "but we’ll see you again.  Once this is all over.”

Kumar nodded, and they both hugged her before Flooing out.  The sun was about to set outside the window, and Lily shivered.  She didn’t like this one bit.

Slowly, she made her way outside.  She had just time to make out two figures attempting to play Quidditch, when James landed right in front of her.  Surprised, Lily jumped back nearly a foot, hardly hearing him say, “They went off pretty sharpish.”

Something in her face must have tipped him off, for he got off his broom and said, “What’s the matter?”

Unable to keep a sob from her voice, she said, “They’re leaving.”

James wrapped his arms around her, and Lily buried her head in his chest for a moment.  Things never seemed to get any better, and now…she sniffled slightly, and James brushed a strand of hair from her brow.  He kissed her forehead and said, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she said, “it’s just hard.”

He held her tighter, if that was possible, and said, “I know.”

“They’re having a baby…babies – that’s why they’re going.”

James drew back slightly, and she could see a look of joyful incredulity on his face.  “So, there are going to be two Patils running around someday soon?”

Lily shook her head.  “They won’t be walking for at least a year, so…not exactly soon, but, yeah.”

She felt slightly worried – for several months now, she’d got the impression that James wanted a baby, and knowing him…she was almost certain he hadn’t thought it through.  It wasn’t a good time to be bringing a child into the world…and yet, Lily had had enough close encounters over the last year or two to realise that, if not now…they might never get another chance.

Lily sighed and moved closer to him.  It was a beautiful evening, and she didn’t want to think about any of this any more.  Smiling a little, she said, “What was Sirius so annoyed about before?”

James moved backwards to get a good look at her face, and said, “He doesn’t trust Gideon.”

“What?”

James repeated himself loudly, and Lily said, “Yeah, I heard you, but nothing you say makes any sense.”

He glared at her.  “Why not?”

“Because…why wouldn’t he trust him?”

James rapped lightly on her skull with his knuckles.  “Well, gosh, Lily, let me think…Gideon’s single, you lot spend a lot of time together – he and Dorcas don’t seem a little cosy to you?”

She pulled away from him.  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said flatly.

“It’s not ridiculous, Lily.”

She started to walk back towards the house.  “It _is_ ridiculous, James.  That should be obvious.  Maybe you’re both too dim to see it, but Gideon hasn’t got over his girlfriend yet – remember the one that was murdered by Death Eaters?  And, as for Dorcas, she’s been in love with Sirius since before he even bothered to look at her, so I don’t know where he’s got the idea…”

James caught her arm and said, “Look forget I mentioned it, all right?  It’s not about her, he just…he doesn’t want Gideon to get the idea that she’s available.”

Lily rolled her eyes; she would have argued more, but she saw Dorcas and Sirius walking towards them.  She was limping slightly, and Sirius had slung an arm around her shoulders.  Lily called out, “How are you feeling?” as Remus and Peter landed behind her.

Dorcas laughed and said, “Well, still feeling a little tender, but…it could be worse.”

Sirius snorted.  “I can’t believe you got caught in one of those traps – maybe we shouldn’t have made so much fun of you, Wormtail.”

“I said that,” Remus said with a certain touch of asperity.  Sirius at least had the good grace to look somewhat embarrassed.

Peter however, merely shook his head.  “It doesn’t matter, Remus.  I’ve to get going anyway.”

Lily grinned.  “Are you meeting Rita again?”

Rita was Peter’s girlfriend, a Muggle from Southampton.  As Lily understood, she’d be going to college in York within the next few weeks, and thus they were spending as much time together as possible.  None of them had actually met Rita, and James had taken to suggesting that she didn’t actually exist.  It didn’t matter how much Lily told him off; if Peter ever got ‘difficult,’ the question of Rita’s reality was raised.

With that in mind, Lily couldn’t really blame him for keeping her well away from his friends.  She’d seen pictures, and Rita seemed like a perfectly pleasant young woman, though not endowed with the world’s best haircut. 

There was a lot of joking and laughing, which Peter took with, mostly, good grace.  Eventually, however, he left, ignoring Sirius’ final jab at him. 

The rest of them camped out in the kitchen, snacking out of the large fruit bowl.  James and Remus started throwing apple-cores at each other at one point, but Lily was quite happy to ignore them while she made coffee.  She was a little worried about Remus actually – he didn’t really seem to have made any kind of life for himself.

He had a low-level position in the Ministry, and it seemed highly unlikely that, as a registered werewolf, he would ever get anything better.  Lily knew, _for a fact_ , that one or two witches had asked him out, but he turned them all down.  He had no real friends apart from, well…them and a couple of other members of the Order.

It was just…sad.  Remus deserved to be happy, or at least as happy as anyone could be in the middle of a war.  A piece of flying fruit hit Lily’s ear, and she glared at James.  “You two,” she said, “are making a mess of my pristine kitchen.”

“Yeah…Lily, when was the last time you actually cooked?”

She glared at her husband.  “Unlike you,” she said, “I wasn’t brought up with an easy fix on hand every minute.  We had to _work_ for a living.”

As she set the coffeepot down, James pulled her onto his lap, nuzzling her neck.  Sirius groaned.  “Could you two please get a room?”

Lily looked at him incredulously.  “This is our house.”

“Oh…yeah.  Sorry.”

Dorcas sighed – she was staring out the window.  She looked pensive, and Lily said, “What’s the matter?”

“It’s just…I saw Dermot in St Mungo’s.”

“Oh,” Lily said. “How is he?”

She hadn’t seen Dermot since Marlene’s funeral – he’d looked as destroyed as a person could be.  Afterwards, she’d tried to contact him, but she never got a response.  Lily had a feeling the reminder was just too painful – she couldn’t imagine…if she lost James.

Dorcas shook her head.  “He didn’t talk to me – I think he saw me, but…”

“Yeah – I know.  Don’t you see him at work?”

Dorcas shook her head.  “A grunt like me?  No, he’s upstairs with the designers – if I were in the Apprentice programme, then maybe, but…”

Dorcas had been offered a place, but due to her work for the Order, she’d had to turn it down.  She still worked as a test flier, but Lily could tell she wasn’t particularly happy with the situation.  Neither of them were – Lily hadn’t exactly planned on working for the Dark Arts Defence League for the rest of her life, but until the situation changed she was stuck.

“Maybe,” she said, “you could be the new Flying teacher.”

Dorcas chewed on her lower lip.  “Maybe,” she said. “I don’t know…”

“Come on – you could be the female version of Professor Swinburne.”

Sirius’ head snapped up.  “What was so special about him?”

“Oh,” Dorcas said, “didn’t you know?  Lily fancied him something rotten.”

“I did not!”

“Lily, please.”

“He was handsome, that’s all.”

James looked disgusted.  “You fancied a _teacher_!  What did I marry into?”

“Don’t be ridiculous – he was really nice to me.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.  “Just how nice?”  
  


“That’s disgusting, that’s just not nice…you know, it’s beneath you, Sirius.”

“Well – you still haven’t answered the question.”

Dorcas was giggling, and she said, “We used to call him Professor Swoonburn, since Lily liked him so much.”

Sirius’ eyebrows had disappeared under his fringe.  “Just how old were you again?”

“Fifteen!  I was fifteen… Well, almost.  Anyway, he was scared of me, I think… Maybe he liked boys.”

Sirius poked Dorcas in the stomach.  “You’re having a lot of fun laughing at Lily.”

Dorcas couldn’t keep a bubble of a laugh out of her voice as she said, “Well, it was funny.  She…she used to…she used to…ask him for help on her essays.”

The three men shared equally bemused looks, and Sirius caught Dorcas’ chin in one hand.  “Now,” he said, “maybe you can actually answer the question.  Why is that funny?”

“Well,” Dorcas said, “she did practically teach me Defence in fifth year.  It’s not like he was all that good.”

“I see,” Sirius said.  He wore a particular smirk that always signalled something irritating.  “Anyway, you’ve a right nerve, slagging her off, when you were so far gone for Shacklebolt.”

Dorcas moved her head sharply, shaking off his hand.  “I _never_ fancied Kingsley,” she said. “I’ve _told_ you that.”

She stood up and marched over to the sink, pouring herself a glass of water.  Lily eyed her curiously – Sirius was clearly only teasing, and Dorcas usually handled it pretty well.  In fact, she put up with his more exuberant qualities much better than Lily did.

Remus coughed, seeming to feel a need to clear the air, and said, “So Gideon got you to the hospital all right then?”

Dorcas sighed with that particular sigh Lily was used to hearing whenever one of the twins became a little…difficult.  “Well,” she said, “he did insist on getting every single bruise and cut I had checked out but…you know what he’s like.”

Lily nodded – she did indeed know what Gideon was like.  Bobby had been killed by a slow acting curse, one the Healers had failed to detect until it was too late.  Sirius looked irritated, and said, “He gets too forceful altogether.”

Dorcas met Lily’s eyes for a moment, and they both started to laugh.  James stared at her, joggling her up and down on his knee, but Lily could hardly draw breath between gales of laughter.

Sirius had an odd look on his face, and he eventually said, “What is it?”

Dorcas gasped,  “Forceful!”

James and Sirius looked equally baffled, but Remus had a particularly shrewd look on his face, and Lily rather suspected he knew what they were laughing about.

“Yeah, Meadows, forceful.  What’s so funny about that?”

Lily laughed.  “Oh,” she said, “you don’t know, but…” she snorted with laughter, “But you should be very glad that you _are_.”

“Lily!”  Dorcas looked outraged.

“Sorry,” she shrugged, “but you know it’s true.”

“Still, you’re not supposed to _say_ it.”

James sighed.  “I’d find this scandal much more interesting if I had the slightest idea what you’re talking about.”

Remus’ mouth was twitching, and Lily ruffled her husband’s hair – she felt very comfortable.  “Don’t worry,” she said, “You never will know, because we’ll never tell you, but…it’s good.”

James frowned, and he probably would have said more, when a large owl swooping through the open window interrupted them.  It landed in front of Sirius on the table, and with a certain amount of trepidation, he took the letter.

All the light seemed to leave the room as he read it; Lily had never seen him look so angry.  He threw it to James, before walking towards the window – Lily rather thought she heard him swear under his breath.

The letter bore signs of having been written hurriedly – there were several blots, and a few scratched out words.  The writing itself looked rather familiar – not the same as Sirius’ forcible scrawl of course, but similar.  The words seemed to loom out of the page in the same way.

_Sirius,_

_It’s been years since I’ve heard from you, and I don’t imagine you’re particularly sad about that.  I wouldn’t even have tried, but I found a box of your old stuff the other day, with a couple of photos, including one of that girl you used to be mad about (I hear you’re living together now?  Is that true?)  It reminded me of a few things, and…with everything that’s been happening, I wanted to talk to you._

_I can’t say much, and probably you’ll ignore this – perhaps Mum is right, and you have turned your back on the family – but I think I need your help._

_Yours,_

_Regulus_

James walked over to his friend, but Sirius ignored him.  After a moment, he said, “Burn it.”

Dorcas made an involuntary movement, as though she wanted to touch him, but he didn’t notice.  His jaw clenched, staring out the window, he said, “He always was an ungrateful little brat, and…after the things he’s probably done, I don’t want to get anywhere near him.”

A moment later, he had Disapparated.  James looked at Dorcas, and she said, “You go.  I’ll be waiting – tell him for me.”

James kissed Lily quickly on the mouth, and left, Dorcas following him.  Once again, Lily and Remus were alone, and it was a moment before she could gather herself enough to say, “So?  Do you want to watch ‘Jaws'?”


	12. This Too Shall Pass

#### 12:This Too Shall Pass

 

James bit into an apple with a crunch as Lily hovered over the table, still undecided.  "Why don't you just get Elphias to do it?"

"Because," she said, increasingly irritated, "Elphias is sick; I don't want to bother him."

"But, Lily, look at this," he said, gesturing at the model she had painstakingly put together. "You're absolutely hopeless."

"Well, you're no help," Lily said. "You can't keep the bloodlines straight either.  I thought purebloods were supposed to know this stuff."

James snorted.  "You know perfectly well Dad never bothered with all that."

Lily sighed again, and kissed his cheek.  "I know," she said.  "Sorry."

They had been arguing on and off for the last few weeks, and Lily knew perfectly well why.  Lately she'd been feeling ill – she'd even had to rush to the bathroom on Christmas morning – and James wanted her to go to a Healer.  She should go to the Healer, it was just…Lily thought she already knew what they would tell her, and it was just too enormous, too unsettling to even contemplate.

James took an enormous bite out of his apple, and looked at her for a moment.  Evidently he decided now was not the time for yet another battle, and instead he said, "If you _have_ to get this sorted out, you should talk to Sirius.  His mum made him learn all the bloodlines, all the feuds…all that junk."

"James, I don't think…"

"He'd do it, Lily, he'd do it in half an hour, and otherwise you'll never have it done in time."

"I know," Lily said, feeling horribly unsure. "It's just…lately…"  She looked at her hands; it wasn't wise to criticise Sirius to James, and normally she would never presume to do such a thing.  Sirius was James' brother, and even if he did drive her round the bend sometimes, she just had to put up with him.

It wasn't that they weren't friends, or that they didn't get on, it was just that ever since Regulus Black's body had been found, Sirius had been strangely aggressive and, coward that she was, it made her nervous.

James stared at her.  "You're not _scared_ of him, are you?"

Lily shook her head, and said, smiling, "No… But I don't know him like you do."

James opened his mouth, but caught sight of the clock before he could speak, and swore.  "I've got to go," he said, "I promised Remus I'd help him…"

Lily couldn't help herself.  "It's your day off!"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry; Remus thinks this might be the werewolf who bit him, and he wants to… I don't know what he wants to do, but if this is the one I think it is, then…"

"What?"

"I think it's Greyback, Lily."

"Oh."

"I can't let him go alone."

Lily nodded, and James grabbed his coat.  Before he opened the door, he turned and said, "You will Floo Sirius, right?"

"Yes."

In fact, Lily'd had no intention of the kind, but after spending a further hour on the seating plan, she gave in and prepared to Floo Sirius.  Usually planning a function for the Dark Arts Defence League wouldn't be nearly this difficult, but Elphias Doge had come down with Dragon Pox most unexpectedly, and while he would be able to attend the dinner – otherwise known as the New Year Gala – he certainly couldn't get involved in the minutiae.  To add to Lily's stress, she was supposed to make contact with Eleanor Burke, who claimed to have stumbled on some information about the Death Eaters.

The older woman was a cast-off relative of a family that, while not in Voldemort's inner circle, certainly had some connection to him, though the Order had yet to determine its nature.  With all this in mind, Lily tossed a handful of Floo powder into the grate, steeled herself (she had never particularly liked using the Floo network) and put her head in. 

It took her a moment to recover from the spinning sensation, and Sirius' flat was so dark that she couldn't really see anything.  It wasn't until she yelled his name, and he sprang out of the sofa as though he'd received an electric shock, that she realised he was in the room.

There was a bottle of Firewhisky, about a third full, on the coffee table; Sirius looked bleary-eyed and exhausted.  With a sinking feeling, Lily realised that Dorcas' suspicions had been correct – he was drinking.

He peered at her, and said, "Lily?"  
  


Quickly, she explained why she needed his help, though she wasn't entirely certain he was in a fit state to understand her.  Once she was finished, Sirius grinned at her and said, "Sure; I'll be over in half an hour, all right?  Got to clean up."

"Well, yeah," Lily said, unable to keep the disapproval from her tone.

"Don't start.  Peter was over last night.  He had a fight with the girlfriend."

"Sure," Lily said, not caring if he believed her.  "Is Dorcas here?"

Sirius shook his head, "Her Gran broke her hip, and…well, they had to re-grow it, so she spent the night up there."

"Okay."  For a moment Lily wanted to say something, but the words simply wouldn't come, and she merely nodded her goodbye.

Knowing it would be some time before Sirius arrived, Lily busied herself making pancakes, so that he would at least get some sustenance.  Admittedly, Sirius preferred eggs and bacon, but lately the smell of fried eggs made Lily feel sick, and she absolutely refused to cook them for anyone.  Besides, she liked pancakes, and there was nothing wrong with a second breakfast if she was hungry.

The wisdom of her approach was made doubly clear to her, when Sirius stumbled out of the fire, and slumped into a chair.  Lily put a plate in front of him, and watched as he virtually inhaled his breakfast.

Quietly, she said, "How much did you drink?"

Finally sated, Sirius leaned back in his chair, and said, "Don't start."

"Don't start!  What if James had found you like that?  Or Dorcas?  Is that how you want them to see you?"

Lily knew her tone was growing increasingly shrill, but she simply couldn't help herself.  She was angry, and worried, and it didn't matter how much he glowered at her.

Sirius refused to meet her eyes, and said, "You wouldn't understand."

Lily slapped the table sharply.  "Because you're the only person ever not to get on with your family?  Not true, and you well know it."

He stood up suddenly, the legs of his chair clattering against the floor.  His expression was so dark, Lily took half a step backwards.  "He asked for my help!"

After a moment, he seemed to collect himself, and he sat down again, putting his head in his hands.  Warily, Lily approached him – after a moment she picked up his plate and brought it over to the sink.  Waving her wand she set it to wash, and then said, "Elizabeth Potter's been asking for you."

He didn't respond, and Lily repeated herself.  "Elizabeth Potter's been asking for you."

"So?"

"She's worried about you; she says you haven't been to see her in nearly two months."

Sirius waved a hand.  "That doesn't matter – I'm not her son."

Something about his tone of voice made Lily absolutely furious, she didn't know what, and she snapped at him.  "You're as good as!"

He looked up at her, a guilty look on his face, but Lily continued regardless.  "She's sick, Sirius, and she's almost alone in that house, with nothing but a few elves, and… You should go see her."

For what felt like an eternity there was silence between them, and then Sirius nodded.  Clearing his throat, he said, "So, you need help with this seating chart?"

"Oh…yeah.  I can't keep the bloodlines straight – and normally it wouldn't matter, but Elphias is sick, so…"

"Sure, sure, just give me a second." 

As James had predicted, Sirius sorted the chart out in no time at all.  Lily couldn't help but be grateful, even if he did keep muttering things like, "Barty Crouch can't sit beside Harfang Longbottom, not since that business with the Puffskein…it'll have to be Scrimgeour, even if he is a bit young."

Eventually she learned not to ask, as the stories were invariably long and concerned with some point of honour that she couldn't possibly understand – well, that and her stomach was being to feel rebellious.  Everything ran smoothly until Sirius said, "Narcissa Malfoy is going?"

Lily shrugged, "According to Elphias, Abraxas Malfoy wants to show her off, now that she's carrying the heir.  Anyway, there's not an awful lot we can do about it."

Sirius leaned against the table, and said, "I'm coming with you."

"What?"

"If you want me to finish the chart, then I'm coming."

Confused, Lily said, "Why…why would you even want to?  It's going to be really boring.  I mean, I have to go, but there's no reason…Wait.  You can't go."

Sirius looked smug.  "How do you make that out?"

"Because James can't go; he's doing something for the Order and if he's busy, then you're busy."

"It's not that important – I'll get Frank to fill in for me."

"That's dangerous – he hasn't worked with you before, it could be…"

"I'm going, Lily."

"Why, Sirius?"

He shook his head, "That's for me to know."

She sighed in irritation, and Sirius added, with his most winning grin, "Look, at least this way you'll have an escort.  I'll turn up in my best dress robes… And I'll go see Mrs Potter."

"Fine," Lily started to say, "but…"  She stopped, and made a desperate dash for the bathroom.  She just made it, but it was a close thing.

Thankfully she had stopped heaving by the time Sirius arrived at the door.  He took one look at her, hanging over the toilet bowl weakly, and said, "You know it's been a while since I've asked someone out, but…I didn't usually make them vomit."

Lily splashed water on her face – she felt shivery – and said, "It wasn't you… maybe there was something in the pancakes."

"I feel fine. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine."  Lily said, hoping he wouldn't pursue the matter.  The last thing she needed was two over-protective males in her life.

Sirius looked at her suspiciously, and said, "You know, Prongs told me you haven't been feeling…"

"No," Lily said. "No, I'm fine.  I don't need to see a Healer, and I don't want to hear anything else about it."

"Okay," Sirius said, looking at her oddly.  "I'll pick you up at half-seven?"

"Half-six," she said, "I've got to help them set up."

"Right.  I'm going to see Mrs Potter now, if you want to…"

Lily shook her head, grateful that he'd changed the subject.  "I can't," she said, "I've got too much to do, but…tell her I said "hello".  I'll be over once this Gala is done with."

He touched her lightly on the arm, and a moment later he was gone.

*          *          *

Lily had to admit, Sirius did look very handsome in his dress robes, even if he was acting a little strange.  On the whole he was the perfect escort – steering her away from pointless conversations with aplomb, and keeping an eye out for Eleanor Burke – but she got the distinct impression that there was something on his mind.

Really, she couldn't blame him.  Lily had no idea what she'd do if something happened to Petunia.  Her feelings for her sister were so twisted up in anger and resentment that she suspected it would be hard to see straight, and it didn't require an immense stretch of the imagination to guess that Sirius' feelings were similar.

Elphias was giving a speech, thanking everyone for their support of the League, when Sirius nudged Lily, and pointed across the room.  Derwent Shimpling was giving an alternative version of Elphias' speech, complete with charmed bubbles and musical accompaniment.  Unable to help it, Lily started to giggle, which was only made worse when Sirius whispered, "Control yourself!  And you an officer of the League."

Fortunately, Eleanor Burke made eye contact with her at just that moment, saving Lily's reputation.  She looked to be in her early forties, with lank brown hair and deep-set eyes.  Perhaps due to some accident of nature, her face was ever so slightly twisted, in such a way that it looked extremely forbidding.

Thinking quickly, Lily signalled to Elphias that she would be using the corner-nook, a section of the room they had drenched with every secrecy and surveillance charm known to wizardkind.  It came in extremely useful during these functions, as there were some people who, if only to protect their cover, could not meet with Lily openly.

Eleanor Burke seemed unwilling to speak at first, and Lily took her time conjuring drinks for the two of them, hoping it make her more comfortable.

At last the words seemed to burst out of the woman.  "This can't come from me!"  There was an odd roughness to her voice, as though it hurt to speak.

Lily nodded, speaking in a soothing voice.  "Of course not.  Albus Dumbledore is the only other person who will even know your name, and I can assure you that there is no reason to think either of us would ever reveal that information."

"Are you sure?"  Her voice was slightly shrill, as though she were repressing a note of hysteria.

"We have never done so; the Order protects anyone who helps us."

"All right, all right," she said, rocking back and forth in her seat, "I'll tell you then.  I don't know much but…"

"Anything you can tell me will be of use.  Is it about the Death Eaters, or people in the Ministry?"

"It's my family!  They're involved somehow, I don't know how exactly."

"What do you know?"

"Well," she said, "I know lots of things, little things like, that they wouldn't expect the likes of me to know, but…there's something odd happening."

"Eleanor," Lily said, "I know you don't want to implicate your family, but…I need more than 'something odd'."

For the first time, Eleanor Burke turned to face Lily directly, her face completely illuminated.  "I want them implicated…I want them caught for what they're doing," she said fervently.

Spell damage, Lily realised.  Her face bore the distinct marks of Spell Damage, perhaps some kind of Cutting Charm, or a Shrinking Potion that had been poorly applied.

"You understand, Eleanor, we can't protect them.  If they're supporting Death Eaters, they could easily be sent to Azkaban."

The older woman shook her head passionately.  "You think I care," she hissed, "You think it matters?  They deserve everything they get after what they did to me."

"What happened?"  Lily didn't want to know, truly she didn't but if she wanted to gain her trust, she'd have to ask.

Eleanor Burke snorted, tossing her hair out of her face.  "I took up with a Muggle like you… so they did this to my face, made me live out on the Moors, away from the family.  Like trash, living with the stinking Muggles…"

Something about this speech seemed distinctly odd to Lily; perhaps it was the tone or the intensity, but it didn't seem quite to _fit_.  Nonetheless, she was well aware that their time was running out, and so she said, "I see.  Now, is there anything specific?"

"There's a Tower.  Out near me, out at the edge of our lands, and they've been using it.  I don't know what for, but I see them coming in and out, in their cloaks."

"Can you tell me where it is?"  Lily said, worried now as she could hear people moving around and talking outside, which meant they were running out of time.

"I can do better than that…I've got a map."

"Wonderful.  Thank you."

Lily made to take it from her, but when her fingers brushed the other woman's hand Eleanor Burke sprang back, as if she'd been stung.  "I have to go," she said, stammering slightly.

A moment later she was gone, and Lily was forced to stoop to pick up the sheet of parchment.  Shaking her head, and making a mental note to tell Dumbledore of her reservations, she made her way out into the room, preparing herself for an evening of dull conversation and food that was resolutely mediocre. 

Unless they were extremely unlucky, these Gala evenings were always deadly boring, and so it was something of a surprise when Lily caught the look of barely contained panic in Elphias' eyes.  He was talking to a group of wizards that included Abraxas Malfoy, but managed to point her in the direction of Sirius.

He was harassing a blonde woman.  A blonde woman who was, Lily's stunned mind eventually remembered, Abraxas Malfoy's daughter-in-law.

She hurried over to the pair of them as quickly as possible, but before she could intervene Sirius had grabbed the woman by the wrist, and was pulling her towards one of the corridors.  Lily's only contribution to the mess was to hide the forced nature of this exit from the rest of the room.

The moment she closed the door behind her Lily said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Yes, _dear_ Sirius," the woman drawled, "What _are_ you doing?"

He stared at her, his face so drawn and dark that Lily would have recoiled, and said, "You're going to tell me what happened to him, Narcissa."

"Why would I do that, when you haven't even bothered to introduce me to your 'friend'?"  For an exceptionally beautiful woman, she had a truly ugly expression on her face.

Sirius groaned.  "Always a stickler for good manners, weren't you?  This is Lily Potter."

Lily glanced at him – she didn't normally use James' name, a fact Sirius was well aware of – but a moment later she understood.  Narcissa Malfoy looked her up and down and said delicately, "Oh, I've heard of you.  I won't shake hands, if you don't mind."

This served only to increase Sirius' ire, and he stepped even closer to her, saying, "You say one word…"

Spite twisted Narcissa's face, as she said in a high-pitched voice, "And I thought you could sink no lower – living with that filthy little blood-traitor, and now this.  Aunt Walburga always said you'd come to a bad end, and now you've proved it."

"Sirius!  Sirius!" Lily said frantically. "Put your wand down, for goodness' sake, put it down!"

With a show of great reluctance, he followed her instructions, and Lily turned to Narcissa Malfoy and said, lifting her own wand, "Tell him what he wants to know, and without any commentary, or I swear…"  In fact she had no intention of attacking Narcissa, but if she threatened to do so, it just might calm Sirius down.

The blonde woman looked at them both disdainfully, and said, "Fine.  You want to know what happened to your 'little brother?'  He was weak…he failed.  They asked him to kill some Mudblood slut, like your friend here, and he refused…tried to leave the Dark Lord's service.  Oh, he joined the cause, but he'd no strength, nothing.  It's a wonder he wasn't killed sooner.  Useless, just like you."

"Enough!" Lily shouted.  She couldn't quite see Sirius' face, but it didn't take a genius to work out that it was having an effect on him.  "Get away!"

Narcissa nodded ironically.  "Glad to pass on my sympathies," she said, and walked away.

Sirius was leaning against the wall, breathing heavily.  His eyes were closed, and Lily approached him tentatively.  "Are you all right?" she said, touching him on the shoulder.

He jerked at her touch, spinning away from her; Lily rather thought she saw him raise a hand to his eyes, but when he turned back to face her they were dry.  "He wasn't a Death Eater," he said. "Not a proper one, anyway."

"Yes," Lily said. "He must have realised what it meant."

Sirius slammed one hand against the wall.  "And of course my loving family was only too happy to be rid of a traitor to 'the cause.'  Mother's probably glad to be rid of the brat – just think of it Lily.  One son a blood traitor, the other a failed Death Eater."  He laughed then, but Lily flinched at the sound.  There was no joy in it.

"Look," she said, "give me a minute to talk to Elphias, and then we'll go, all right?"  She used the tone of voice one might employ with a hurt child.

He nodded and cleared his throat before saying, "Did you like my cousin?"

Lily shook her head, but smiled at him all the same – she had to appreciate any attempt at levity.

*          *          *

She told him about her meeting with Eleanor Burke, though of course without mentioning a name, as they entered the house.

"I don't honestly know," Lily said, "She seemed like a…a very odd piece of work.  I'm not entirely sure I believe her, but…I still think we have to look into it.  It's just, something in her story; it didn't ring true, you know?"

Sirius nodded – he'd been somewhat distant since they'd left the hotel, and Lily was hoping desperately that James would be at home.  The two of them would listen to a Quidditch match over the radio, or read out the 'problem page' from _Witch Weekly_ , or do something equally pointless, and within half an hour Sirius would be restored to his more usual condition of turbulent good humour.

Unfortunately, Lily's hopes were to be dashed – the kitchen was full of people, and it took her several moments to divine what was going on.  Dorcas was encouraging Peter to drink a cup of tea; James was ranting about something to Remus; and someone, Lily presumed it was Frank, had his head in the fire.

Everyone was talking so loudly that Lily finally had to shout, "What's going on?" before anyone heard her.

Dorcas seemed to give up on Peter, and joined them, saying, "Peter was attacked this evening."

"What!  What happened?"  Lily looked at him again – he seemed to be all in one piece, but one could never tell…

Dorcas pulled Sirius and Lily away from Peter, perhaps so he wouldn't hear, and said, "They were waiting for him outside Rita's house.  When she came out, they…"

Sirius swore loudly, and said, "Is she all right?"

Dorcas bit her lip.  "She was hurt pretty badly – Gideon and Fabian had to take her to St Mungo's, but…she didn't know Peter's a wizard, so…"

"What about Peter?" Lily said urgently, "What did they do to him?"

Dorcas sighed.  "I don't know exactly," she said, "But…I think they tortured him – in front of her.  James said they got his wand; there wasn't anything he could do…"

Sirius wheeled around to look at Peter, whose face was waxy and pale.  "What the bloody hell were you thinking of, Wormtail!"

Dorcas tried to catch his elbow, saying, "Sirius," but there was no stopping him.

"You let them get your wand!  Didn't you think for _one_ second?  Look at the state of you now – girlfriend's in hospital, you look as though you're half-dead – why didn't you summon one of us, you idiot?  If they're too much for you to take on, and of course, of course they were, then call one of us.  When have we ever not helped you?"

Sirius continued to rant, seemingly unaware that the entire room had fallen silent or that Peter was staring at the table in mute humiliation.  Dorcas tried several times to get his attention, finally shouting, "Sirius!  Shut up, leave him alone!"

He turned on her sharply, saying, "What would you even know about it!  It's not like you care what's been done to Peter.  It's not like it even _matters_ to you!"  Dorcas shrank away from him, tears standing in her eyes, but Sirius just stared at her, his face blazing.

After a moment when they all seemed transfixed, Remus grabbed Sirius' arm and said, "Come on…we're going out."

Still staring at Dorcas, Sirius said, in a dangerously low tone, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh yes you _are_ , Sirius.  You're completely out of order, now come ON!"  It wasn't often Remus lost his temper in any way, and perhaps it was for this reason that Sirius allowed himself to be hustled out the back door.

James looked at Lily quickly, nodded, and moved over to Peter.  Helping him stand up, he said, "Come on, mate, we'll get you back to your mum.  She'll be worried about you, it's got so late."

Peter nodded, and stood slowly – his joints were clearly stiff.  Lily touched his arm gently on the way out, and then waited for Frank to leave.

He must have sensed the tense atmosphere, for he said very quickly, "I was just on with Moody.  He says they've tracked Wilkes and Rosier down, so…"  Lily nodded – not liking to think of boys from her year doing battle with Aurors – and Frank left. 

The moment he was gone Lily enveloped Dorcas in a hug.  She was standing still, perhaps in shock, and Lily guided her to the table.  "Are you okay?"

Dorcas turned miserable eyes on her.  "No.  No, I'm not.  Did you see that?"

"Yeah," Lily said, sympathetically, "I did.  But it's not about you, Dorcas, it's…"

"Oh, I know," Dorcas said tearfully. "It's his brother, and that family of his, and then…seeing Peter like this, but…  He gets so _angry_ , and nothing I say seems to help.  It doesn't seem to register with him half the time – it's like I'm not even there."

"Just give it time," Lily said. "I know he's not handling it well right now, but…he'll probably sort it out sooner than you think – especially if Remus has his way."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." 

Dorcas' voice was very quiet, almost still, and Lily looked at her suspiciously.  "What's that mean?"

Then her friend broke down in a horrible swirl of tears, babbling, "He's going to leave me, Lily; I know it, I know it… He's going to leave."

Lily wanted to tell her friend she was being ridiculous, but the fact was, Dorcas knew Sirius incredibly well.  If she thought…well, there was a strong possibility she was correct.  So Lily settled for just hugging her friend, rubbing her back until the storm of sobs had passed.

When they finally separated, Dorcas looked dreadfully fragile, and for a moment Lily had to restrain the urge to put her to bed with a hot-water bottle and cup of warm milk.  She settled for conjuring a cup of hot chocolate; some of the colour came back into Dorcas' cheeks when she took the first sip.

They'd been sitting in silence for a minute or two when the door opened behind them, and Sirius' voice said, "Can I come in?"

Lily nodded, smiling hopefully at him.  In this moment, all she wanted was for Sirius to pick Dorcas up, hug her hard and make it all better; it _hurt_ to see them both in such pain.

But Sirius couldn't quite manage that – instead, he touched her shoulder, smiled and said, "Will we go home?"

Dorcas nodded, not quite looking at him, and said, "I'll see you tomorrow, Lily?"

She nodded, and watched as they left the house.  Sirius slipped an arm around Dorcas, pulling her close and kissing her gently, before they Apparated.

By the time James came home Lily was ready to leap on top of him; wanting suddenly to be reassured that they _weren't_ alone, that they had each other…that somehow, in the very darkest moment of the blackest night, he would still be there.


	13. Once More Unto the Breach

 

#### 13:Once More Unto the Breach

        

The hairs on Lily’s arm almost stood up whenever Sirius walked by; he was so impatient.  A kind of nervous energy seemed to radiate from him as he paced around the kitchen, and Lily was immensely grateful to Fabian when he said, “Could you please stop that?  You’re making me dizzy.”

Sirius stared at Fabian for a moment before saying, with a grunt, “Sorry.”  Lily rolled her eyes as he sat down beside Dorcas, who had a wary expression on her face.  He was being a pain in the neck.

James frowned, and said, “Where can they be, though?  We’ve to get going soon.”

Lily shrugged.  “You’re not worried, are you?  I mean, I know…”

“If something had happened, we’d have heard,” Gideon said to her reassuringly.

James said nothing.  They’d had a blazing row earlier in the day – he’d insisted that she visit a Healer, any Healer, because he couldn’t stand to worry about her any more…and, well, it had got ugly.  In the end, she’d agreed to it, but a very large part of her simply hated backing down on anything – it wasn’t particularly surprising that some of the tension had lingered.

Sirius stood up again, saying, “That’s it, I’m going to go find…”

But he was interrupted.  Remus stood in the kitchen door, looking…indescribably awful.  It wasn’t that he seemed sick, or tired, indeed it wasn’t exactly something Lily could name, but…  He stood up straight, his posture excellent, and Lily had to convince herself that he didn’t slump.

Remus wasn’t prone to displaying his emotions for all to see (and thank goodness for that – Sirius and Peter already contributed more than enough drama to the group) but at this very moment Lily knew, knew in a way she would never be able to explain, that he was utterly and completely miserable. 

He felt lost.  She could see it in his face.  He’d been walking through the rain, letting it soak him till his hair lay flat on his scalp, till his clothes clung to his skin, because he’d…lost something.  Been forced to accept something that was unbearable, intolerable.

“I don’t think Peter’s coming,” he said slowly.

“What?  Why?”  Sirius nearly snapped at him.

Remus sighed and said, “He ran into Rita, and…he was trying to talk to her, convince her of…something, and… I think he’ll be a while.”

He sat down, closing his eyes tiredly as James said, “Well…can we still go if we’re one short?  What do you think, Lily; is it worth the risk?”

Lily stood to get a towel for Remus, and Dorcas said, “I think we have to, James.  I’ve been hearing things, and it seems fairly clear that they have a new base of some sort.  If what Lily found out is true…well, we can’t ignore it.  We don’t need to go in – we can just stay long enough to check if it is what we think it is.”

“And, don’t forget, it’s only Wormtail,” Sirius said quietly.

Lily handed Remus the towel – she would have used a Drying Charm if she could, but she knew he’d never let her.  Worried about him, she mouthed, ‘Are you okay?’  Remus tried to smile, but gave up the attempt and shrugged instead.  Lily put her hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently; a moment later she felt him relax slightly.

She was very fond of Remus, and always had been.  In truth she didn’t know him well, in that, for all the time they spent together, she’d never really seen the depths, the hidden parts she knew were there.  And that was fine – she and Remus had an easy, unforced rapport.  They enjoyed spending time together, talking about books or politics, or the latest silly film she had made him watch, and it was simple, and fun, and _comfortable_.  It was just odd that, even though she had so much affection for Remus, and knew he had for her, she didn’t understand him half as well as she did Sirius or Peter.  When she looked up, James was frowning at her…or not at _her_ exactly, but at something about her, something about their situation that bothered him. 

Lily raised her eyebrows questioningly, but before he could speak, Sirius said, “What’s wrong with you?”

For a moment she thought he meant her, and she was relieved when Remus, glancing at Gideon and Fabian, said, “Nothing.”

James’ expression shifted almost instantly to concern, and he said, “Rubbish.  What happened?”

From the tired expression on Remus’ face, Lily could tell he’d realised that they wouldn’t let up until he’d answered them.  Drawing the words out as if they were causing him actual pain, he said, “I saw… _him_ today.”

Lily wasn’t sure what he meant, but Sirius and James seemed to understand instantly, for Sirius sat down beside Remus, his eyes never leaving his face, and James said, “Who was he?”

Remus laughed bitterly.  “Some poor soul, sad and lonely and… It was Greyback.  Fenrir bloody Greyback.”

Fabian’s voice was incredulous.  “You saw…you were near Greyback?  He’s a monster.”

Dorcas cringed at the tone in Fabian’s voice; her face just crumpling up in sympathy for Remus, and Lily rather thought her expression was similar.  Remus half-smiled though, and said, “Yes.  He is.”

Lily wanted to hug him, or buy him cake, or do anything that would take that awful look off his face.  It wasn’t right for Remus to suffer so much.

James’ voice was very low as she said, “I’m sorry, mate.”

Fabian seemed to remember what Remus was, and looked as though he wanted to bite off his own tongue. It was so easy to forget sometimes.

“It’s fine,” Remus said.  “Are we going?”

James shrugged.  Lily could see that all desire to race out and fight the Death Eaters was momentarily gone – replaced by his wish to help his friend.

Sighing, hating to be the one to spoil the moment, Lily pointed to the map on the kitchen table.  “Look,” she said, “if this is accurate, then there’s only one level of Apparition protection, and maybe five intruder alarms – and they won’t take long to defuse…”

“For you,” Gideon interjected, smirking. “Not all of us are that good at charms.”

“Anyway,” Lily said severely, “we should be able to get in in about ten minutes, and the building itself isn’t all that big, so it won’t take long to get a feel for the place.”

“Yeah, but, we’ll still be one short, Lily,” James said. “I don’t like it.  If Dorcas is right…”

“If Dorcas is right, we’ll know immediately,” Fabian said. “There’s no way to hide that many Death Eaters, and…You-Know-Who wouldn’t do it anyway.  Why bother?  Anyone who comes calling will just get killed.”

Lily nodded.  “I think you’re right.  Either way, we won’t be staying long and - I just - I don’t want to put it off any longer.  We’ve been sitting on it for a week, and I really think it’s time.  Besides which, if we leave now, we’ll be back in time for that meeting with Dumbledore after all.”

Dorcas looked at James.  “I think it’s a good idea,” she said. “I get the impression it’ll be important.”

They fell silent for a moment.  Recently there’d been a number of attacks on Order members – suspiciously accurate, well-coordinated attacks – and Dorcas suspected that there was a reason.  She didn’t have to say just how dangerous a spy within the Order could be.

Sirius stood up sharply.  “Works for me,” he said, “I didn’t want to miss that meeting either.”

With that it seemed to be decided, and they spent a few minutes organising themselves.  Everything ran relatively smoothly, except for one brief moment when Dorcas had to explain that actually _Gideon_ was her partner, not Lily, and Sirius’ face twisted into an awful expression of suspicion.

Lily wanted to smack him across the head – there was a perfectly logical reason for the twins not being partners, which was that they were _too_ good a team, too likely to go off on their own – but now wasn’t the time.

They Apparated to their destination – a tower house somewhere near Hay-on-Wye.  Lily guessed the Normans had built it, but Eleanor Burke’s map merely referred to it as the ‘Dark Tower.’ 

It stood on its own, looking distinctly eerie in the moonlight.  They were fenced in by rolling hills, and the dead quiet of the countryside made Lily shiver.  She jumped when an owl screeched overhead, and Fabian raised his eyebrows at her pointedly.  She nodded, understanding that they had to be quiet, and got to work undoing the charms. 

It didn’t take long – the spellwork was shoddy, as though the charms had been cast fifty years before and then left alone.  Some of them, admittedly, were surprisingly sophisticated, but they hadn’t been knit into the framework of the spells properly.

Lily shook her head – she’d expected better from the Burkes, but she was grateful for the small favour.  She couldn’t remove the anti-Apparition spells, not without spending at least two hours at the task, but she’d disarmed everything else within three minutes.

But what a disappointment!  The Tower House was empty, completely empty, and though it had obviously been used fairly recently – there were potion ingredients in one room, and Sirius found a broken wand – there was no sign at all of prolonged use. 

After half an hour they realised there was nothing to be done, and made their way out of the building to apparate back to Order Headquarters – they’d be early for the meeting, but since no one had expected them to attend anyway it probably didn’t matter.  James, however, grabbed Lily’s elbow and pulled her into a small recess, saying, “We need to talk.”

She heard the others go trooping down the stairs as she said, waspishly, “About what?”

James ran a hand through his hair, and looked at her helplessly.  “Listen,” he said seriously, “I’m worried about you.” 

Lily met his gaze steadily, and a moment later he took her hand and pulled her back up the stairs.  The top floor of the tower was open to the elements – the last dribbles of the evening’s rain were falling, and a low, cold wind gusted through the walls.  Lily shivered, and hugged herself.  She felt chilled.

James raised an eyebrow when she looked at him, and said, “Let’s get this straight – are you actually going to go to the Healer?”

“Yes!  All right, you got your way – I’m going.  What more do you want?”

She glared at him fiercely, but James had the bit between his teeth and was not about to back down.  “I want you to be healthy – I want you not to be fainting for no apparent reason.   Dorcas told me about that, you know.”

Lily swore.  “That was only once!”  More quietly, she continued, “She wasn’t supposed to say anything about it.”

James shook his head.  “Well she’s not the only one.  The other day I had Sirius asking about your health – _Sirius!_ ”

Lily shrugged.  “What do you want me to say?”

James sighed and came closer to her.  “Don’t say anything if you don’t want to,” he said, frustration in his voice, “but stop ignoring it.”

He stared at her for a moment, so that Lily almost forgot their surroundings.  Finally she managed to stammer, “The…the thing is I…I’m scared.  This could change everything.”  She couldn’t quite keep a sob out of her voice as she spoke, and it was a relief when James put his hands on her shoulders.

They’d been married for two and a half years – nearly thirty months – and in all that time, it had only been them.  Together they’d managed to snatch happiness, small patches of joy in the darkness that surrounded them.  Even if it was only James leaving a banana on her pillow whenever he’d to leave early in the morning, or Lily attending seven Quidditch matches in one week during the World Cup, they had a life outside of the war, outside of the darkness and the fights and the crazy Death Eaters who wanted them dead for loving each other.

James hugged her, and she relaxed into him for a moment.  Lily hated being afraid, hated the shaky, vulnerable feeling that would attack her at three in the morning when she thought about the ways everything could fall apart.  It could happen in an instant – she’d seen it happen too often not to know that – and the prospect of…such a huge change, brought the possibility home to her yet again. 

They could lose everything.

James seemed to guess what she was thinking, for he kissed her hair and said, “Better or worse, remember?  I can handle it – it’s not like I haven’t seen you fly.”

Lily laughed shakily, and punched him lightly on the shoulder.  “Leave my flying out of this.”  He grinned, and kissed her, and in that moment Lily felt more alive, the nerves in her fingers and her toes tingling, than she had in weeks.  Somehow it would be all right.

They broke apart, and Lily could tell James was thinking that maybe they could skip the meeting and just Apparate back home, when they heard someone come running up the stairs.  Thinking it would be Sirius or one of the twins come looking for them, Lily turned towards the sound.

Eleanor Burke had just barely reached the top of the stairs when she was engulfed by a green light.  For a long moment Lily watched her fall to the ground – she didn’t stir.

She’d had a broom in one hand, which was now trapped under her body.  James was about to Summon it, when another person joined them.  It was a tall, thin person, who knelt over Eleanor Burke’s body for a moment before looking at them.

Recognising the figure, Lily and James backed away, wands raised.  Lily was painfully aware that there was no way out of the tower except down those stairs.

Voldemort looked at them, and raised an eyebrow.  “There are fewer of you than I expected.”

A moment later there was a flash of white light, and Lily and James were forced apart.  There was a gash in the floor separating them, and Lily cast an anguished look at him.

There was no time for sentiment however, as Voldemort cast another spell.  Lily was cast clear across the chamber, crashing into the stone wall in a way that made her conscious of every bone in her body.

She was sitting up slowly, trying to get her breath back, as Voldemort said idly, “Eleanor here wasn’t supposed to have told you about this place for another month.  Then we would have had a proper welcome for you both.  Still,” his lip curled contemptuously, “the poor dear confessed her mistake, and…I forgave her.”

James didn’t respond, and Voldemort seemed to find his lack of interest entertaining, for he continued, saying, “Worried about your little Mudblood whore, is it?  She’s not dead, sadly.  They’re like cockroaches.”

Stupidly, James sent a curse in Voldemort’s direction, which the latter easily parried.  Lily knew how enraged James could become if anyone attacked her, and so she stood, despite her protesting joints and the taste of blood in her mouth.  He needed to know she was all right.

She could see the relief on his face, and so apparently, could Voldemort, for in that one moment of distraction, he flicked his wand.  “ _Imperio_.”

James stiffened sharply and then relaxed, his features losing all their firmness.  There was an expression of happiness on his face, and yet Lily felt terribly afraid.  It was his face, but…James wasn’t there.

Voldemort smiled at her, a cruel expression on what must once have been a handsome face.  “Well,” he said, “what have we here?  I think…you should kill her.”

All the air seemed to rush from Lily’s lungs when she heard those words.  The world contracted to one point: James’ wand, and his arm, slowly lifting it through the air.  She was scarcely even aware of Voldemort staring at her, enjoying her terror – even the sounds of the rain and the wind seemed to disappear, and Lily watched, trembling, as James moved.  He was painfully slow.

At what must have been the last possible moment, he forced his arm down, shouting, “I WON’T!”

Voldemort’s expression was furious, and he turned to face James, moving with unnatural speed.  He muttered something, Lily couldn’t make out what, and a moment later blood was streaming from a massive cut in James’ chest.

“NO!”

Lily didn’t realise she’d screamed until Voldemort turned back to face her, his face now perfectly calm and happy.  James slumped to the ground behind him, his face white and strained – Lily could see the blood pooling beneath him. 

Instinctively she started towards him, but she was held up, by Voldemort’s wand.  He looked at her mockingly.  “Worried about your man, little girl?”

She heard James moan weakly, and tried not to sob.  He was dying – not ten feet away from her, he was _dying_.

Tears were starting in her eyes, and stupidly she said, “Please.”

He laughed, a horrible sound with no joy in it.  “No,” he said, “I think I’d rather wait.  Wait until that last rotten breath leaves him – then I’ll deal with you.”

Lily’s wand twitched in her hand, and for the first time in her life she wanted to kill someone.  Shoving all the fear to the back of her mind, she lifted her wand and shouted “ _Reducto_!”

The wall behind Voldemort collapsed almost instantly – she had hit the right point – and he was crushed beneath it.  Lily summoned his wand and then threw it out one of the windows.

Knowing she had only a few seconds before Voldemort would awake, she ran towards James, stumbling and tripping over stones on her way.  Holding back a sob, she touched his face – it was cold.

James was still breathing, but only just – Lily could scarcely hear him.  She tried to conjure some kind of tourniquet, but her first two efforts failed.  She might have attempted a third, but she heard a shout come from below.  It would be one of the Death Eaters, and already she could see Voldemort stirring beneath the rubble.

She didn’t have time…James was bleeding to death – the hand that put pressure on the wound was already drenched in his blood.  Biting her lip, Lily summoned Eleanor Burke’s broom, and hauled them both onto it.  James’ breath rasped behind her, and she could feel his blood soaking through her robes – but all she had to do was get them past the Apparition spells.

The thirty seconds she spent flying them out of that tower were among the most terrifying of Lily’s life.  Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to keep James on the broom, and she could scarcely concentrate on the actual flying – later she couldn’t even remember how she’d done it.  All that lingered was the sickening lurch in her stomach as they’d taken off.  The moment they passed the limits of the spell, Lily Apparated them to Order headquarters, not even bothering to land the broom.

She arrived in the main room, still attempting to carry James.  Her knees nearly buckled under his weight, and she was almost incoherent as she tried to explain what had happened.  “There was…we saw Voldemort, and he…so much blood…”

Fortunately there were a few Healers in the group, and Emmeline Vance, for one, got over her shock quickly enough to deal with James.  In an instant she had him laid out on the table and was trying various charms to close his wounds.  Lily watched numbly as her attempts failed.

James couldn’t die.

Dorcas and Sirius, who had sprung to Lily’s side the moment she arrived in the room, attempted to convince her to leave.  Dorcas’ voice was gentle as she said, “Lily?  Come on – we need to go outside.”

She couldn’t feel her lips.  “No.  Not going anywhere.”

“Lily, please…you need to see a Healer yourself.”

“No!  I’m not…”  Lily started sobbing in earnest then, all the fear that she’d repressed flooding back.  She had to be in the room, had to be there in case…she couldn’t leave James alone.  “I can’t…”

Emmeline yelled something incomprehensible, and Sirius put a hand on Lily’s arm.  His own face was drawn as he said, “Come on, Lily.  You can’t help in here.”

“I’m NOT leaving him!” she said, feeling ever more frightened. “I can’t… I won’t.”

Sirius started to push her towards the door – he didn’t intend to hurt her, but he put enough strength in the push to make it impossible for her to resist.  Now furious, Lily started to hit him, pushing against his arms and chest, saying desperately, “Stop it!  I’m not leaving, I won’t, he’s… Let me GO!”

Remus closed the door behind them quietly, and Lily slumped, realising it was fruitless.  Looking at Dorcas she said simply, “He can’t die.”

Dorcas smiled at her.  “And he won’t, love, I promise.  But you have to calm down.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, “I don’t want a black eye today, thanks so much.”

Dorcas shook her head at him, and handed Lily a tissue.  She’d been crying this whole time, tears streaming from her eyes like water from a tap.  Dorcas wrapped an arm around her, stroking her hair.  “Just relax, Lily.  Emmeline knows what she’s doing; she just can’t be…distracted while she’s doing it.  You can go back in in a second.”

“But for now,” Remus said, “you need to see a Healer.”

“What?  No, I’m waiting…here.  I want to get in there the second…”

“And you will,” Dorcas said. “We’ll call you the second he’s awake.  But you’re bleeding, Lily – just let Elphias check you over.  It won’t take a minute.”

The three of them faced her, determined and impossible to argue with, and giving in, Lily followed Remus to another room.  Elphias, who had qualified as a Healer in what he referred to as his ‘dissolute youth’, was waiting for her.

He got her to sit down as he did a few quick diagnostic spells.  Typically for Elphias, he teased her a little about her dashing Auror husband before healing her cuts and bruises, and giving her a potion for the ribs she had bruised when she hit the wall.

Once he was finished he sat down beside her and said, “My dear girl, how do you get into these situations?”

Her mind still on James, Lily said, “I don’t know.  Just lucky.”

Elphias nodded, patting her hand.  “Indeed, Lily.  You know…you do know that you’re pregnant?”

Her mouth hung open for a moment, whether from surprise or relief she couldn’t tell.  “I…did.  I mean, I didn’t know, not actually, but…I did.”

He nodded understandingly.  “Well…Congratulations.  You’re having a boy.”

Lily smiled.  “Thank you.  I’m…I’m going to go check on James.”

Half-dazed, she made her way out of the room, bumping into Remus who’d come to find her.  James was awake, and Lily rushed to his room, forgetting for a moment what Elphias had told her.

When Lily saw him, sitting up, smiling and joking with Sirius, she couldn’t help herself – she ran to James and threw herself into his arms.  She never, ever wanted to let go of him, and she held on as tight as she possibly could.

He seemed surprised, but his arms closed around her, and he let her bury her face in his neck.  “Ssh, now, Lily,” he said, “It’s all right.  They gave me some Blood-Replenishing Potion, fixed me right up.”

She couldn’t help herself; she started crying again.  Perhaps there’d been something in Elphias’ potion that made her eyes leak so much.  James grinned at her. “I’m fine, see, nothing to it.”

“Nothing to it!” Lily knew she was hysterical, but she just couldn’t help it.  “You were going to die!  You were going to die, James, and I… I was going to have to _watch_ you die.”

Understanding crossed Dorcas’ face, and the others fell silent.  James touched her cheek, and then boosted her up on to his bed.  “I’m sorry,” he said. “But I’m fine now, really.  You don’t have to worry.”

“You have to be careful!  You can’t just…get yourself half-killed everyday, you just can’t, James.”

“I know.  Lily, I know.  Come on now, it’ll be all right.”

James smiled at her disarmingly, and Lily leaned her head on his shoulder.  She had to tell him, but she couldn’t find the words, and instead…she kissed him, putting every thing, every feeling she had, into the kiss.  She wanted to curl his toes.

After a moment Sirius made a disgusted noise, and James pulled away from her reluctantly.  “Later,” he whispered sheepishly.

“Honestly,” Sirius said, “Do you two ever get tired of it?”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” Lily snapped.  “I’m going to be someone’s mother.”

There was an instant silence, and Lily slapped a hand over her mouth when she realised just what she’d said.  James looked gobsmacked, and smiling impishly, Lily said, “Sorry.  Didn’t mean to tell you that way.”

“You mean…you mean you’re pregnant?”

“Yeah,” Lily said, ducking her head with a laugh, “Elphias just told me.  It’s a boy.”

James face was a study in stunned astonishment.  It was nearly a minute before he said, “I’ve got the cleverest wife…in the world.”

Sirius snorted.  “It doesn’t exactly happen because of _cleverness_ , Prongs.”

*          *          *

A few days later, once James had recovered enough to get out of bed, they went to visit Elizabeth Potter.  She’d been doing a little better this last week, and was able to sit up and have tea with them.

Lily told her about Eleanor Burke, as it turned out Elizabeth had been in school with her father.

Elizabeth Potter frowned and said, “The whole family was always twisted, but…Eleanor, she was different.”

“She said they disowned her because she…fell in love with a Muggle-born.”

“Oh, they did that, all right,” Elizabeth Potter said, taking a sip of her tea, “And she couldn’t stand being kicked out of ‘proper wizarding society’, and she wouldn’t divorce him, so…she tried to poison him.  He left her, of course, but her family cut up her face, for shaming them.”

Lily chewed on her lip.  “That makes sense,” she said. “I thought there was something off about her story, but…”

“Well,” James said, “seems like she resented them enough to ruin one of Voldemort’s plans.”

“Yeah,” Lily said, thinking of Eleanor’s ruined, wasted face. “She did.”

“Anyway,” James said, “that’s not what we wanted to tell you, Mum.  We’re having a baby.”

An expression of pure joy spread over Elizabeth Potter’s face, but she said nothing, seeming to struggle for words.  Finally, she settled for hugging them both.


	14. :Among Thorns

#### 14:Among Thorns

 

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; nor have I ever earned money from Harry Potter. I do this purely for my own amusement

Soft flesh curved over thin, delicate little bones.  Fingernails sharp as twigs jutted out of tiny, chubby hands, and dark cobwebby hair covered a head not yet grown in.

He was cold.

His skin, his skin, tender like the underside of a new leaf, was freezing.  His fingers didn’t move, his toes didn’t curl…

His body was cold – clammy, like raw meat.  He must be dead.

He was dead.

Lily’s fingers were trembling as she traced his limbs, sorrow and horrible disbelief surging in her belly.  Not her son, not her son, please, God, not her son…

“Lily!  Lily, wake up!  Wake up!”

James’ voice was caught in her ears, seeming to surge and bounce inside her head, and it was a moment before she could pull herself together.  James’ hand was on her face, and she could feel him shaking.  “Lily!  Lily, what happened?”

She swallowed slowly, blinking desperately in the dim light.  “Did I wake you?”

James’ voice was rough and scratchy as he said, “You were crying.”

Lily just managed to swallow tears, and said, “I was dreaming.”

James yawned.  “What of?”

“I…he was in my arms, James… I was holding him and…he was dead.”

Needing comfort, Lily rolled over, resting her head on James’ shoulder, as he switched on the lamp with a flick of his wand.  “Hey,” he said, “hey now – no crying.  Come on.”

“What if I can’t do it?”  Lily said, still thinking of that stiff little body, “What if I can’t protect him, James?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” James said, his right hand smoothing her hair. “You saved me, didn’t you?”

Her lips were trembling.  “I’m not…I’m not strong enough.”

James lifted his head to get a good look at her – staring at her sternly, he said, “That’s not true.  You are going to be a lovely, lovely Mum, and you’ll kick the stomach out of anyone who tries to hurt our baby.  I know that.”

“Right,” Lily said, looking away from him.  “I know that, it’s just…do you ever wish things were different?”

“Like what?” James said.

“I don’t know,” she said, tracing a pattern on his chest and trying not to look at him.  “Haven’t you ever thought that…it’d be easier, if I wasn’t…you know?”

“Lily.  Lily!”  She ducked her head, and eventually he had to lift her chin with one hand.  Looking at her, all his love in his eyes, he said, “Lily, I love _you_ , not you minus the rough bits, not you because the circumstances allowed.  Would I like it, if people weren’t trying to kill us all the time?  Yes, I would – I want us to still be talking at three in the morning, seventy years from now, when your hair is grey and I’ve a horrible big gut – I want that.  But I’d never, _ever_ wish you different.”

She sighed, and blinking, said, “I’ll never understand why anyone thinks it’s wrong of me to love you.”

James smiled and said, “I can think of a few people who might disagree.  Snape, for instance.”

“Well,” Lily said, “they’re idiots.”

He grinned.  “Are you all right now?”

“Yeah, I am.  It was just so…real.”

“I know, love – I’ve had some of them myself.”

This was true – in the months after their second meeting with Voldemort, James had woken her several times, begging and pleading.  “Lily, don’t be dead.  Please don’t be dead.”

Finally calm, Lily stretched her neck ever so slightly, and kissed her husband.  His response was enthusiastic, to say the least, and after a few moments he rolled her onto her back.

They were pleasantly distracted for the best part of an hour, and Lily could tell James was about to fall asleep, when they were roused by someone pounding on the door.  James groaned and said, “Go away.”

Unfortunately, the noise continued, and James eventually dragged himself out of bed, groping for his glasses as he went.  Yawning, he pulled a shirt over his head.  “Stay up here,” he said. “Just…in case.”

Lily shivered at the implication, but lifted her chin and said, “Not on your life.”

“Lily,” he said, “Come on…”

“I’ll wait on the bend in the stairs, but that’s my best offer.”

James rolled his eyes, but let it pass, and gripping their wands, they made their way down the stairs.  Lily waited near the bottom, shifting nervously from foot to foot, waiting for James to open the door.

She heard James hiss in surprise, but then he drew back, and his voice was hard and enraged.  “Who are you?”

She had to strain to hear the words.  “It’s me.”

“Yeah, well…if that’s true, tell me something only you could know.”  The challenge was clear in his tone.

Several moments later, she heard the voice say, “Lily’s first boyfriend cut her hair off when she was eight.”

James’ eyes boggled, and he looked back at Lily for confirmation.  When she nodded, she could tell he wanted to laugh, but a glance back at the figure in the door seemed to sober him.

He stepped back, shaking his head, and gestured to Lily to come forward.  As she came down the stairs, she saw Dorcas stick her head around the door.  The moment she met Lily’s gaze her eyes seemed to brim over with tears. 

With a sinking feeling, Lily saw she was carrying a large, half-open and obviously hurriedly packed, bag – a moment later Dorcas had all but collapsed on the bottom step.

James closed the door, looking wary, and Lily, restraining the urge to roll her eyes at his obvious discomfort, hunkered down beside her friend, slipping an arm around her shoulders.  “Dorcas,” she said, “what’s the matter?”

Dorcas shook her head, sobbed, and covered her face with her hands.  Her body shook with awful, pained sobs, and it was several minutes before Lily could persuade her to move off the steps.  Eventually, however, she got her down to the kitchen – James, still looking deeply unnerved by Dorcas’ tears, followed them and silently made hot chocolate as they talked.

Once they’d sat down, and Dorcas had dried her eyes somewhat, Lily said, “Please tell me what’s wrong, Dorcas.  You’re scaring me.”

Dorcas took a deep, shuddering breath, and seemed to steel herself.  Her chin was trembling as she said, “I…I left him.”

“What…how…what happened?”  Lily could scarcely comprehend what her friend was saying.

“We were…” Dorcas paused for a moment, shook her head sharply and said, “He got really drunk again – with Peter – and…”  Her voice cracked, and she sniffed.  “He didn’t come back till really late, and when I told I was worried…he said all these things – that nothing meant anything, that I was just pretending, that someday soon I’d realise…what he always knew, which is that we’re meaningless – we’re not…we’re a _joke_ , that’s what he said.”

Lily couldn’t… “No!  No,” she said, “Sirius…Sirius loves you, Dorcas…”

Dorcas shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes.  “Well, you should tell him that, because he’s never claimed any such thing.”

Lily’s mouth hung open for a moment.  “He _never_ told you how he feels?”

Dorcas started to cry again.  “No.  I told him, I told him – I think a couple of months after Marlene…after she died – and, Lily, you should have seen the way he looked at me.  It was as if I was speaking a foreign language.  He waited maybe an hour, and then he said he didn’t…he didn’t even know what those words were supposed to mean, and…”  A sob broke through her voice, and she had to work to swallow, but she continued, “I thought, sooner or later, he’d work it out, he’d make up his mind to be with me, but he didn’t…and, I never had the courage to bring it up again.”

James was staring at Dorcas with an unusual intensity.  “So you left.  You abandoned him.”

She stared at him, still crying, and said, “How could I stay?  Like he said – it’s a joke to him.  I’m a joke to him.  I couldn’t stay there, not when I still…I just couldn’t stand to keep waiting for him to leave me.”

The raw anguish in her voice brought tears to Lily’s eyes, and she reached out to hug her once again.  “It’ll be all right, love – we’ll sort this out somehow.”

“What am I going to do, Lily?  I’ve nowhere to live now, and… I don’t want to, how will I keep living without…”  Dorcas dragged a hand across her face.  “I don’t know what…to do, or…I’m sorry I bothered you, it’s just…I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Dorcas – you know, you know you’ll always have a place here.  Always.  You never have to worry about that.”  Lily hugged her, a passionate protectiveness surging in her breast.  “Come on now,” she said, “Wash your face, get changed and you’ll go to bed.  It’ll be…better in the morning.”

“How will it be better?  _How_?  He’s…gone – I left him, and…how am I supposed to…sleep, if he’s not there?”

Lily had no answer for that question – she wasn’t sure mere words could ever suffice – but eventually, she managed to convince Dorcas to go to bed, though as to whether she would actually get any sleep… Lily didn’t even pretend to judge.

When she came back downstairs, James was pulling on his coat.  Lily came up behind him, slipping her arms around his neck and leaning into him for a moment.  He was strong.

“Are you going after him?” she said.

“Yeah,” James said, his face twisted with worry.  “I don’t care what Dorcas said – if she really left he’ll be in a bad way.  _Why_ Peter had to go and get him drunk…I should find him.”

Lily nodded, kissed him gently, and said, “Let me know when you do – send a message or something.”

James embraced her again – pulling her close in the dark, so that she felt him take each breath before it floated past her ear – and then he was gone, and Lily cast a Cleaning Charm on the kitchen, before crawling into her bed, alone.

*          *          *

If Lily had hoped Dorcas’ and Sirius’ problems could be solved by a pot of tea and a nice long talk, she was wrong.  Dorcas stayed in their spare bedroom, but Dumbledore had reassigned her, so that when she wasn’t sleeping or working for Nimbus, she was operating as the personal bodyguard of a woman she described as a rather hapless Seer.  On the rare occasions when she actually was in the house, she was, in James’ unfortunately apt expression, ‘twitchy as a flea’, constantly on the lookout for Sirius.

Her wariness wasn’t completely unjustified, as Sirius spent most of his time there, and had, since the break-up, been around the house even more, lounging on the couch and dive-bombing the back garden on his motorbike.  Truthfully, Lily wanted to lay into him, teach him the error of his ways and send him off to put a smile back on Dorcas’ face, but something held her back.

James hadn’t told her where he’d found Sirius that night, just that it had been ‘bad, _really_ bad.’  Lily, preoccupied with keeping Dorcas semi-functional, hadn’t seen him till several days later, when he’d looked fine.  Well, almost fine – he’d had a black eye and no particularly satisfying explanation for it, and Lily had a horrible feeling that James had been the one to give it to him.

It was well nigh unthinkable to imagine James and Sirius actually fighting, but at the same time, Lily knew that Sirius, once well stewed in his own self-pity, had an impressive ability to provoke aggression.  In any case, James clearly wanted to forget about it, as fast as possible, and out of respect for that, Lily hadn’t asked any questions.

In the midst of this Remus had gone inexplicably missing for a whole week, which, while almost certainly to do with the Order, had done no one’s nerves any good.  With all the drama, she’d almost missed the beginnings of a telltale bulge around her belly.  She wasn’t ‘showing’ exactly, at least not with her clothes on, but there were the definite beginnings of a bump.

She was cutting an apple and smiling to herself about this discovery one evening when Dorcas came running into the kitchen.  It was a chilly evening, a cold sun spreading its final rays beneath dark grey clouds, but for the first time in weeks, Dorcas was smiling.

“Lily!  Lily,” she said, “the most amazing thing has happened.”

Lily started – she’d been drifting off in an odd kind of daze, thinking of a cradle and soft blue blankets and some kind of stuffed elephant – but Dorcas’ demeanour was so altered that Lily grinned at her.  “What is it?”

“I’ve been promoted.  A place opened up in the Broom Design Apprenticeship, and…they gave it to me.”

“That’s…that’s wonderful, Dorcas!”  Lily hugged her friend, delighted at some piece of actual good news.  Eventually, however, she had to ask.  “But…I don’t understand, I thought the Order made it impossible.”

Dorcas shrugged, and said, “Dumbledore fixed it.  He says what I’m doing now is more important – you can handle most of the contacts anyway, and he’ll take the really…difficult ones – he seems to think this woman, Sybill, is important.”

“I’m glad.”

Dorcas clapped her hands.  “Don’t you realise what this means, Lily?  I’ll have money – proper money – I can get my own place, be out of your hair for once.”

Lily sighed.  “You _know_ the thought never even crossed my mind.”

Dorcas sat down moodily, lacing her fingers around one knee.  Smiling Lily took out the biscuit tin and conjured a pot of tea.  “When did you hear?”

Dorcas sighed, some of the happiness seeming to drain out of her – she seemed like a tired young woman yet again.  “Dumbledore asked me to meet him today, he’d sorted it all out, so…it took a while to get the details straight, but…I came straight here.”

“I’m glad,” Lily said. “We’ve barely seen you.”

Dorcas bit her lip.  “I know – it’s just, I haven’t been the best company lately.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Lily said. “I would’ve liked to see you for twenty minutes together.”

“Lily…I wake up every morning and…it takes me whole minutes to realise…that Sirius isn’t beside me in the bed.  That I’m alone.   And every time…it hurts _more_.  I can’t…I just couldn’t – I miss him so much.”

“Dorcas,” Lily said, patting her on the back, “that’s why you should to be talking to me – you should be telling me this stuff, letting some of it out, not brooding over it all the time.”

Dorcas sniffed, and said, “Thanks, but…”  She shook her head, and then gestured at a mangled metal object on the kitchen table.  “That Gaspard’s latest effort?”

Trying to smile, though Dorcas’ distress still disturbed her, Lily said, “Yeah.  I don’t think he’s perfected the process yet.  I was making Polyjuice for Moody the other day, and it basically melted on me.”

Dorcas sighed, “He’ll get the knack of it eventually.  Did I tell you…”  But she was interrupted.

The back door flew open with a crash, causing both women to duck instinctively for their wands.  Luckily, it was only James and Sirius, though when Lily saw their faces she was tempted to revise her initial assessment.  James looked positively alarmed, while Sirius’ expression was fervently, and unpleasantly, exultant.  Before either of them had a chance to react, Sirius laughed sharply and straddled the chair beside Dorcas.

She was pale, as pale as Lily herself was, but on Dorcas it was no natural pallor.  “So,” Sirius said, his tone biting, “how’ve you been?  Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Dorcas bit her lip, but allowed him to continue.  “Prongs forgot to mention you were staying here, you see – I can’t imagine why.”  Sirius paused, eyeing Dorcas speculatively, “I went looking for you, you know – only your Gran said she hadn’t seen you.”

Dorcas made a strangled sound of denial, and Sirius lifted his hands placatingly.  “Of course, of course,” he said mockingly, “you’ve been in to visit – I know that.  You wouldn’t leave someone so important to you all alone.”

Lily winced and looked at James pleadingly – Sirius could not have been more crushingly unsubtle if he tried.  James, however, seemed reluctant to intervene, and Sirius continued, his tone of voice increasingly ugly, “I even asked Gideon, and Shacklebolt, if they’d seen you, and not a word.  I thought you would’ve moved on to one of them quick enough.”

“Oh!  That’s it.”  Dorcas said sharply, standing up to face him.  “I’ve told you and told you… I am not interested in Gideon; and if I was…you’d have _no_ reason to care.”

“Okay,” Lily said, “could the two of you just…calm down for one second.”

“No,” Sirius said, folding his arms.  He had the look of a man settling in for the long haul.  “No, Lily, let’s keep going.  This is really fascinating.”  He paused, and then said loudly and distinctly, “I want to know how she sleeps at night.”

Sirius was looking at Dorcas keenly, and didn’t miss her start at his words.  For a moment Lily hadn’t realised what he was saying, but to Dorcas, however, it was all too clear.  Something moved in her throat, and Lily saw her stiffen her jaw, presumably to keep herself from crying.  Sirius smirked and said, “Not too well then, I see.”

But there was something in his voice that suggested he was softening at her obvious distress, and when she had to lift a hand to wipe away one rebellious tear, Lily thought he might actually have dropped the act of hostility. 

Dorcas, however, was not to be worked on by anything so simple as a pair of sympathetic eyes, and after a dreadful silence, she lowered her hands from her face, and said, “Well, that should make you happy.  Nothing you like to see more than tears.”

Sirius looked stung, and even Lily had to admit that it was a bit of a low blow.  Dorcas wasn’t usually so harsh – indeed, in all the years Lily had known her, she’d never seen her be so vicious.  Only Sirius, it seemed, could bring it out in her.

It might have become something of a bloodbath, had they not been interrupted by a voice saying, “Lily Potter?”

It took a moment for the fact that someone was calling her name to register with Lily, so engrossed was she with the scene unfolding in front of her.  Once she realised, she turned quickly towards the fireplace.  “Yes,” she said, “This is she.”

The face in the fire belonged to a woman in, Lily guessed, her late twenties.   She looked relieved.

“Mrs Potter,” she said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I was told you might be able to contact Dorcas Meadows.”

“Yes,” Lily said, “She’s here, just a second…”

  
Dorcas had been listening, and she joined Lily, saying, “What is this about?”

“Miss Meadows!  We’ve been searching for you for some time now…it appeared no owls could reach you.”

Dorcas nodded, seemingly unsurprised by this information, and the woman continued, “My name is Laura Bell.  I’m a Healer from St Mungo’s.  Your grandmother, Melinda Meadows, was brought in several hours ago with a badly crushed pelvis.”

“Oh my…is she all right?”

“She has recovered well, Miss Meadows, however, as you may be aware, for a woman of her age…it has Healed as thoroughly as could be expected, but there’s very little we can do about the underlying frailty of the bones.”

“Yes,” Dorcas said, her voice sounding choked. “She mentioned… Can I see her?”

“Yes.”  Laura Bell gave her the ward number and concluded, saying, “I’ll discuss her recovery options with you later.”

“Thank you,” Dorcas said, “I’ll be with you shortly.”

Laura Bell nodded, and a moment later she was gone.  Dorcas looking even more exhausted, swore, and said, “Lily could you drop some of my stuff over to my Gran’s?  I’ll need to stay there for…I don’t know, a few days at least.”

“Sure,” Lily said.  “Is there anything else – I’ll get food or…does your Gran drink Firewhisky?”

Dorcas laughed shortly.  “I don’t think so, but…thanks Lily.  Could you…look up a nurse, or something?  It’s just…I don’t think – Dumbledore needs me to keep doing what I’ve been doing, he was very clear about that – it ‘sit‘s too important for me to…and she’s all alone up there.  I don’t know…”

“I know,” Lily said, “I understand.  I’ll sort it all out, I promise.”

“Right,” Dorcas said distractedly, pulling her jacket on in a hurry.  “Thanks.”

Lily hugged her, and Dorcas was about to Floo out, when Sirius caught her lower arm.  “Look,” he said, “I…I want to…”

Dorcas looked at his hand pointedly, and a moment later he lifted it away.  “I’m sorry,” she said, sounding on the verge of tears, “But…I just don’t…I don’t think I want to hear _anything_ you have to say.”  And then she was gone.

Sirius swore loudly, looked at James for a moment, and said curtly, “We’d better go meet Remus…the moon’ll be up pretty soon.”

James nodded, and still looking furious, Sirius strode out of the kitchen.  A moment later, Lily heard the crack of Apparition.  James leaned back against the kitchen table and let out a low whistle.  “Well,” he said, “that went about as badly as I expected.”

Lily sighed, “He heard everything she said, didn’t he.”

James shrugged.  “I wanted to warn you, but…is she going to be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Lily said, “I honestly don’t, which is the worst thing.  I think…I think I might stay up there tonight – she’ll be pretty tired, I think.”

“You should ask her,” James said.

“What, the Grandmother thing?  It’s hardly the right time – besides, you should be there.”

James grinned.  “I got to tell Sirius, remember?  – Aand, anyway, it might cheer her up a bit.”

“She won’t like that he’s the other one, you know,” Lily said, “But you’re right.  I’ll sort stuff out, get a bottle of wine, and tell her.”

“Good,” James said, “Get her good and drunk so she’ll sleep, and I’ll bring breakfast in the morning.”

Lily smiled.  “Hot food?  Pancakes?”

“Well,” he said impishly, “not bacon, that’s for sure.”

Lily grinned and kissed him – not expecting James to respond enthusiastically, clamping his arms around her and pulling her close, which wasn’t at all to say that she objected.  After a few moments he pulled back, sighing.  “Got to go – Remus’ furry little problem needs tending.  But otherwise…”  He waggled his eyebrows wolfishly.

Lily giggled. “Go on,” she said. “Get out of here – I’ve things to do!”

*          *          *

Things did not improve.  Sirius admittedly seemed to have found something to occupy him, though his behaviour was, if anything, even more erratic, but Dorcas seemed to be living in a state of continued exhaustion.  She spent her mornings and most afternoons in Nimbus, Flooing back and forth to her Gran’s during any spare half hours, while keeping up her work for Dumbledore nearly every night of the week – and those that she had free, she spent with Lily, Gideon and Fabian, doing ordinary Order work.

James was particularly worried about her, and had already tried to convince her to give something up, but Dorcas was adamant.  She would not even consider lightening her load, though she looked terrible – she’d lost weight, anxiety seemed permanently marked on her face, and there were deep shadows under her eyes.

Yet she insisted that she could handle things, and although Lily had expressed her own worries to Dorcas several times, she couldn’t imagine she’d had any effect.  Sirius was the only person who’d ever been able to get Dorcas to slack off when she thought she was right, and Lily was too preoccupied to even dream of tackling Sirius.  He was generally rather touchy and had already had a huge fight with Remus, who, in his turn, had been mildly depressed for months.

Lily would have been more focused on these things, if she hadn’t been mentally preparing herself for a much greater trial.  Elizabeth Potter, who’d always taken a great interest in her family, had eventually convinced her to a make renewed contact with Petunia.  Family ties, she claimed, were not to be given up lightly, and so she had done everything – booking a table at the Ritz for tea and writing to Petunia.

Lily judged it was right rather than pleasant that she see Petunia, and tell her that she was soon to be an aunt, and so, one morning in early May, she put on one of her least favourite dresses – a stodgy navy blue affair that Petunia would surely approve of.  She was horribly nervous, but deep down inside there was a tiny grain of hope – she hadn’t seen Petunia in so long that it was possible, just possible that her sister might have changed her mind.

Unfortunately the meeting did not begin well.  As Petunia approached her table, Lily realised that she was not the only one who was going to have a child.

Petunia’s belly was swollen to impressive proportions, which looked rather incongruous on her skinny frame.  Her hair was tied severely back, and she avoided Lily’s eyes as she sat down.  It wasn’t until Lily leaned over the table to pour her a cup of tea that Petunia responded.

She yelped loudly, drawing disapproving glances from the tables near-by.  “You’re…You’re…”

“I’m pregnant,” Lily said impatiently.

“But,” Petunia’s voice hardened, “that boy…”

“His name is James.  And he’s my husband.”

“So…” Petunia said, seeming to consider, “you married him after all.”

“Yes.  I did.” Lily said. “You might remember – you were invited.”

She hadn’t intended to behave this way – she’d planned on being friendly, conciliatory and open, and yet the mere sight of Petunia brought old anger surging to the surface.  Nonetheless, it was pointless, and so Lily took a sip of her tea, and said, “When are you due?”

“In June,” Petunia said, her lips tightening unpleasantly, “And when will that little mutant of yours be born?”

Lily felt as though Petunia had punched her in the throat.  Licking her lips, she said, “He is my son.”  Her tone was icy cold.  “He is _your_ nephew, and do not…you _will_ not use those words about him.”

She’d spent all her adult life fighting bigoted fools, and it infuriated her beyond reason to hear Petunia echoing their words.

Petunia looked as furious as Lily felt, and she balled up her napkin nervously, “You know,” she said, “I thought…I _hoped_ you had seen reason.  I was ready to help you!  Vernon and I, we would have supported you, protected you, we still will, if you’ll only do what’s right, if you’d come back to a proper way of thinking.”  She leaned forward, speaking urgently.  “Leave _him_ , that idiot boy, just leave him, and come back to me – come back to your family, Lily.”

“I don’t believe this!”  Lily said. “Where were _you_ when Mum and Dad died?  You kicked me out; you told me never to come back.  James… _loves_ me, Petunia, he loves me – James would rather die than hurt me, and you think I’d ever…even _consider_ leaving him for you!  You must be out of your mind.”

Petunia stood up, two spots of high colour on her cheeks.  “I should have known it was too much to hope you had some sense.  And you can tell your friend to stop sending those letters – all those owls, never giving us a moment’s peace!”

A feeling of sick betrayal washed over Lily, and she had to lean against a chair to steady herself.  “I’m sorry,” she said. “What?”

“That… _Dumbledore_ person,” Petunia said, almost flinging the word at Lily.  “I don’t know who he is – I don’t want to know.  He’s probably one of your sort anyway, what with the owls – dozens of letters, all about you and that sick _freak_ you actually married.  All that rubbish about family!  Tell him to stop it – I don’t want any more of it Lily!”

She picked up her handbag and left the room without another word, and Lily was left to pull herself together.  It was a moment before she could think clearly enough to Apparate, and once she arrived in Elizabeth’s house, with the honest intention of telling her mother-in-law what had happened, she broke down.  It was a very lucky chance that she had arrived in the same room as Elizabeth Potter.

James’ mother hugged her, and Lily might have given in to that comforting embrace had she been an iota less angry, and had it not been for the arrival of three unexpected guests.

James and Sirius were accompanied by Albus Dumbledore, who, wearing his distinctively coloured robes, seemed extremely happy to see Elizabeth Potter, whom he had taught Transfiguration once upon a time. 

As he greeted Elizabeth, Lily stood, her legs shaking; she was so furious.  She ignored James’ eyes, and interrupted Dumbledore, saying, “I need to talk to you.”

He blinked, but smiled and said, “Of course, Lily.”

Her voice trembled.  “I had a very interesting meeting with Petunia today.”

Dumbledore straightened.  “Indeed.”

“She has this idea you were trying to…tell her things, to…I don’t know what you were doing, but I need to know _why_ …why you thought you could do that.”  She was so angry and upset that it took an extremely great effort simply to remain coherent.

Dumbledore sighed and said, “Lily – please sit.”

“ _No_.  I want to know.  Now.”

“Very well.  I confess, Lily, I have been in contact with your sister, I have written to her on many occasions – informing her of the most important events and developments in your life.  I hoped, I must admit, that as a result of this Petunia might offer some form of reconciliation, and this would bring you some measure of peace.”

“You had no right, no right to interfere.  She is _my_ sister.”

“Perhaps you are right, Lily.  However, if you will give me a few more moments.”

Lily nodded, though she doubted she  would hear anything comforting, and she certainly wasn’t going to sit down. 

Dumbledore steepled his fingers and said, “As you know, Lord Voldemort is possibly the most powerful wizard that has ever lived.” 

Sirius made a sound of protest, but Dumbledore continued, “And like such wizards, he has recognised the link between our magic and our body – our blood.  But, sadly, he misunderstands the nature of that link.  The most basic principle of all magic is that, as the body is a conduit for our own power,  our bodies resonate with the essence of what we do, that our actions can, in time, leave their mark, even on our very souls.  As Voldemort has violated his own nature, his own soul, his body, the channel for all his magical ability, has been degraded from its original, natural state, so that today he is a stunted shadow of a man.

“What Voldemort has never understood, is that the most powerful force of all, the binding power that unites body and soul, is not our magical abilities, but our love for one another.  That love adheres to the material, to the body and the blood and the skin and the gut…we are marked by our acceptance of that love, and it is in our acts of love that we can find the most perfect union between power and being.  The oldest, deepest magic takes as its cause this single, basic principle – love adheres.

“Thus, Lily, your blood, your kin, might well provide some protection for your son, for estranged or not, your sister shares the same blood, whether Muggle or wizard, and that blood will be marked by your love for him.

It took several moments for the purport of Dumbledore’s speech to become clear, and indeed, later Lily would never be quite sure how she made the logical leap, but…for now, Lily focused on the single most important aspect.  Slowly, gathering her thoughts, she said, “Are you telling me that…if something were to happen, you would give my son…to her, to Petunia!”

“Lily…only in the most dire, the most extreme of circumstances.”

“NO!” she said, “No – I don’t care.  I don’t want _her_ anywhere _near_ him.  Do you understand me?  Give him to Dorcas, not her.  Not ever.”

“Lily, please…”

“No.  If something…give him to Sirius.  Sirius will love him!  But I will not have her raising my son.”

“Lily,” Dumbledore said gently, “If such a thing were to…if it were necessary to protect him.”

“If,” Lily said, shuddering horribly at the thought, “if it was the only way, the only possible way to keep him safe, to keep him alive…but, otherwise – not for the world.”

Dumbledore seemed to accept this statement, and Lily realised that Sirius was looking at her.  Looking at her with a kind of a glow, as though she‘d said something amazing, something incredible, something he’d longed for, but never expected to hear – but Lily couldn’t even bring herself to care.  She had to get away, she couldn’t hear anything more about ‘what could happen’, what might happen if she died, and so she ran.

She’d made it halfway though the castle’s gardens when James caught up with her.  When he put his hand on her shoulder, Lily pulled away from him sharply.  “I hate her!” she shouted.

“I know, love,” he said, cupping her cheek.  He sounded upset.

“I HATE her!”

Lily was crying now, and James simply said, “I know,” as he guided her to a bench.

“Why won’t she love me?  What’d I do?  Aren’t I good enough?  She’s my sister.”

“I know, I know, Lily.” 

Then she wept – she cried and cried in James’ arms, because her _sister_ , her blood, the one person in the world who was obligated to love her, didn’t.  She cried because once, Petunia had been twelve, and Lily had been seven, and there’d been no one more wonderful, more special in the whole world than her big sister, and now Petunia didn’t want her any more. 

She cried because their sons would be almost the same age, and they would grow up as strangers, and if not…they would despise each other. 

She cried because there was no love between them any more, not one single solitary scrap and that was a terrible, cold, unnatural thing.  As much as Lily wished it didn’t, it still hurt.

James held her, stroking her back and her hair, and not trying to pretend that it didn’t, or shouldn’t matter.  It was what it was, and even if it hurt beyond bearing, even if nothing in this world or in the next could ever change it, he would be with her through it all.

Once she was calm, she curled up in James’ lap, hugging him, protecting the bump where her son lay, now truly a bump, and swore, _swore_ to herself that she would never, ever let anything hurt her baby.

As long as she lived, nothing dark, or evil, or cruel would ever touch him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from the Song of Songs:
> 
> “I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys. As the lily among thorns, so is my love among the daughters.”


	15. Be Not Far From Me

#### 15:Be Not Far From Me

 

Lily stared at Sirius – who stared unblinkingly back at her from where his head rested on Remus’ left foot.  Determined not to get caught up in some ridiculous staring match, Lily looked away, lifting her chin defiantly. 

But she was weak, and glanced back at him a moment later.  She was only saved from a growing spiral of staring insanity when Dorcas elbowed her in the ribs and said, “Why are you ogling Peter’s dog?”

Lily had no idea what to say, and so she looked at her lap, trying not to let the wave of desperate pity she was feeling show on her face.  She’d understood Dorcas’ reasons for leaving Sirius, but at the same time she’d always thought they sprang as much from her own fears as his behaviour – but if Sirius had never told her he was an Animagus…

It was hard to concentrate on what Dumbledore was telling them, even though it was the kind of news that would normally leave her reeling with horror.  The Death Eaters had attacked a Muggle hospital – a Children’s Hospital.  Dumbledore had sent three squads of Order members to intervene, but by the time they’d arrived an immense amount of damage had already been done.

James hadn’t wanted to talk about it.  He’d gone outside and done insane things on his broom for a few hours, and eventually Lily had threatened to fly after him if he didn’t come the hell down.  She was horrific enough on a broom that James had landed within ten seconds of her warning him.

Even with coaxing however, he’d been extremely reluctant to divulge details.  The only thing Lily understood with any clarity was that he’d seen Muggle doctors and nurses standing in front of their young patients, trying to protect them, only to be hit by the Killing Curse moments later. 

The next morning Lily bought the Muggle papers, all of which bore a headline announcing a freak explosion in the X-Ray department.  Almost two hundred people were reported dead.

James seemed all right – at least so she’d thought until this evening, when he hadn’t turned up for the meeting.  It was for this reason that Lily was fidgeting in her seat, and desperately wishing that Dumbledore would stop talking.  Worrying about Dorcas was almost a relief.

Lily knew Sirius must have overheard Dorcas – that blasted sensitive hearing he had as a dog – and she could feel him staring at her for the rest of the meeting.  He needn’t have worried though – tempting as it was, she wasn’t going to kick him before she left. 

Dumbledore’s speeches were interminable, and the moment he was finished Lily shot out of her chair and left the building, determined to look for James.  It rather surprised her when Dorcas followed her.

“Lily!  Wait.”

“Look, Dorcas, I’m sorry, but…”  Lily couldn’t quite keep the impatience out of her voice.

Dorcas smiled at her, and said, “I saw James, for…a second or two, earlier today.  He said he was going to drop in to his mother’s.”

Lily felt her shoulders slump with relief, as the nagging fear that had been chasing her vanished.  It was a fact of life that she and James had to spent hours, sometimes even days, apart, and Lily was more or less used to it.  However, ridiculous as it might be, ever since she’d discovered her pregnancy, it was increasingly difficult to bear the gnawing worry that something, or more accurately someone, might happen to him while he was away from her.

She looked at Dorcas sheepishly.  “Sorry,” she said. “You want to come with me?”

Dorcas looked around her for a moment and then said, “Yeah – but…only if you feed me!”

Lily giggled, and a moment later they Apparated to Elizabeth Potter’s home.  It was rather late in the evening, but still rather bright, as the solstice had been only a few days before.  Still, despite the lingering light, there was a definite eeriness in the air, and Lily shivered as Dorcas said, “Was James all right?”

Lily started and said, “Sorry?”

Dorcas bit her lip, looking at the ground, and said, “It’s just…I get the impression that…Sirius was pretty torn up about it, and…I just wondered.”

Lily stared at her and said, “How’d you figure that out?”

Dorcas, still looking at everything except Lily, said, “Well, don’t you think so?”

Lily shook her head.  “Honestly,” she said, “I haven’t really _seen_ him that much the last few weeks, so…I don’t know.  You’re probably right.”

Dorcas nodded.  “Right.  Right.  It’s just Peter said…well, he said a lot of things.”

She looked unhappy, and Lily prodded her.  “What did he say?”

Dorcas was chewing on her lip, but eventually responded.  “Oh…he said…he said his loyalty is to Sirius, and since I ‘walked out on him’ I should consider myself no longer welcome…at least not with him.”

“ _What_?”  Lily said, almost tempted to Apparate right back to the meeting and cast one of her more irreversible charms on him.  “He said that to you?  I’m going to kill him.”

Dorcas nodded.  “He turned up at my Gran’s house, and all…I mean, she’s in there dying, and I have to listen to him blather on about loyalty and all that rubbish.  Like, he thinks it’s easy for me or something.”  
  


“I’m really sorry, Dorcas.”

“No – just forget it.  I’ve got more important things…I’m just worried about _him_.”   Dorcas didn’t need to specify whom she was talking about.  “I think something horrible happened that night at the hospital.”

“Okay,” Lily said, “I’ll look in on him, but…what are you basing this on, Dorcas?  Did something happen?”

For a moment her friend looked to be on the verge of tears, but she shook her head, saying, “I don’t…I don’t think I can tell you right now, Lily – it’s too…it’s too much.  But don’t worry – I’m fine, honestly, I just…  It’ll keep.”

“It’s all right,” Lily said, though there was a small knot of unease in her stomach, “Whenever you need to talk – you know that.”

Dorcas smiled.  “Thanks, Lily.  I know I never said, but…you’ve been great, with all of _this_.  I don’t know what I’d have…what I’d have done.”

“Well – you’re my best friend, love.  I’ve grown rather fond of you down through the years.”

Dorcas grinned at her.  “Love you too.”

Lily would have hugged her, but her seven and half-month baby bulge got in the way, and instead they strolled into the house, expecting to find James and his mother chatting in the sitting room, or listening to the latest Quidditch match.

The reality, of course, was rather different.

Elizabeth Potter sat on an armchair, her feet raised by a footstool but she wasn’t moving; she was completely still, in a listless, chilled kind of a way. 

It took a moment for the fact that she wasn’t breathing to register in Lily’s mind – for James was sitting on the nearby sofa, staring at his mother’s body.  His face was slack, as though he’d been stunned, and when Lily sat beside him he made no movement to touch her – she wasn’t even sure he’d realised she was there.

Dorcas looked at her, made a few vague hand gestures and left the room – Lily was relieved to know that for now someone else was going to handle the arrangements and she could stay with her husband.

She heard the loud crack of Dorcas Apparating, and then there was silence.  She slid her hand into his, sitting near him, close enough that he could smell her perfume.  It was an odd thing, but it was true that for James, simply being near her was a comfort all by itself.

He didn’t react to her presence, and for long minutes he stared at Elizabeth with that desperate calm that always hurt more than any tears.  Eventually however, he let out a kind of strangled sob, biting deep into his fist, and with tears sliding down her own cheeks, Lily put an arm around his back.  A moment later his head was resting against her chest, and she held him as he shook with the pain of it. 

After all, James wasn’t much more than boy really, a boy who’d lost his mother– and as Lily sobbed with him, she remembered that a mother after all, is the first law of nature ever known; known before gravity, before hot and cold, before a baby discovers its feet.

They stayed like that for many hours.

*          *          *

It was, Lily reflected, the worst thing about funerals that so much of what was said was utterly irrelevant.  Elizabeth Potter had always been popular – popular as a Hogwarts student, as an Auror, as the wife of the former Chief of Magical Maladies ward in St Mungo’s – and it really wasn’t all that surprising that her funeral was attended by the better part of three hundred people, all of whom, it seemed had harboured the delusion that she would never succumb to her Vanishing Sickness.

James insisted on shaking hands and exchanging words with all of them, even forcing a kind of grotesque jocularity with a few of them.  Lily watched as his face grew tight and his eyes desperate, and wished she could convince him to let it go for now.  As a result of her work with the Dark Arts Defence League, she was more than used to charming people, and she wished he’d let her take on that load.

She couldn’t even give words to her relief when Sirius and Remus approached – Sirius’ powers of persuasion seemed to succeed where hers had failed, and on his advice James moved away from the crowd, who instantly clustered around Dumbledore.

For a moment, Lily lost herself in Remus’ hug, grateful to be able to indulge her own grief for one moment.  That moment done however, she turned back to James.  He looked awful – there was no getting around it.

Since Elizabeth Potter’s death he hadn’t been sleeping – indeed it had been difficult even to get him to eat – and Lily was going to give him a Sleeping Draft that night, come hell or high water.  He wouldn’t want to – James had a less than liberal attitude towards potions, and was liable to say all kind of things about how they were a crutch, and easily abused, and it usually took an immense amount of arm-twisting to get him to take a potion for anything less than impending death.

Sirius and James were talking quietly; Sirius had an arm around him, and was shielding him somewhat from the rest of the room.  Lily managed to send him a strained smile, but it was a huge relief when she saw Dorcas making her way through the crowd.

In truth Lily hadn’t expected to see her friend at all, as Dorcas’ grandmother had finally succumbed to her own illness two days before.  Lily had rarely felt more guilty in her entire life – Dorcas had made most of the arrangements for Elizabeth Potter’s funeral, and now she had to deal with a loss of her own.

Oddly, Dorcas looked better than she had in months.  She wasn’t grinning or anything, but she looked as though she actually had taken the time to eat and even sleep, and Lily was at a loss to imagine what had brought about the change.  Nonetheless, she was glad to see her, and she glared at Peter momentarily so that he would know to keep any opinions he might have to himself.

Dorcas hugged Lily, saying, “How are you?”

Lily shrugged, glanced at James, and said, “I’m fine – I’m tired, but…I’m fine.  I didn’t think…you didn’t _have_ to come.”

Dorcas shook her head.  “I know I didn’t…Honestly, Lily – stop worrying about me.  I haven’t even had to do that much.  Some kind friend stepped in and sorted everything out – all I had to do was give them my Gran’s middle name.”  Here she looked significantly at Remus, who coughed and started talking loudly to Peter.  Lily smiled at him, and said, “Well, that’s good.  I would’ve come myself, but…James…”

Dorcas nodded, and said, “Like I said, don’t worry.  I’m almost okay, and…now’s not the time, but…I feel better.”

“I noticed,” Lily said, “Food and sleep agreeing with you then?”

Dorcas rolled her eyes, “Don’t start.  Look, I’m going to talk to James, and then…John’s getting a Portkey in – he’s coming to the funeral with me, well…actually, he’s just coming to the wake, since…anyway, I wanted to say, I dropped in to the house, and…I left food, for the next few days at least, so…all you have to do is a Heating Charm.”

Inexplicably, tears sprang into Lily’s eyes, and she shook her head sharply, before saying, “He’ll be glad to see you.”

It was true, too.  Odd as it might have sounded, James had always seemed to view Dorcas rather as a younger sister – when times had been a bit better there’d been a lot of teasing between them, and every once in a while they’d go to some unbelievably minor club Quidditch match and eat too many Chocolate Frogs, and come back slightly sloshed on Butterbeer.  Each seemed to bring out the silliness in the other, and Lily had always been grateful that her husband and best friend got on so well.  It was, she thought, a rare boon.

Dorcas smiled at her again, and walked over to join James, though she completely failed to meet Sirius’ eyes – in fact, she blushed a steaming shade of scarlet.  James took no notice of this odd behaviour, seeming too relieved to see Dorcas to see it.  He hugged her tightly, and Lily rather thought Dorcas said something to him a low voice.

Seeing his friends again seemed to have touched off a nerve, and James rather looked as if he might begin to cry.  Lily knew that was the last thing he would want, and so she hurried over to join him, getting there just in time to see Dorcas turn to Sirius.

He had adopted that air of impenetrable reserve that he tended to adopt when he was nervous, and Dorcas could barely lift her eyes to his face as she said, “I’m sorry.  I know you must be…I know it must be hard for you.”  Sirius said nothing, and Dorcas looked down, seeming to gather strength in the sight of her feet, and said, “I just…I wanted you to know…that…I’ve been thinking of you.”  Sirius finally looked at her face at this point, and Dorcas’ voice faltered.  Then she did something that was either very brave or very foolish.  It might have been both.

She tried to hug him. 

Sirius reacted badly, not to mention several moments too late.  By the time he actually moved to put his arms around her Dorcas had pulled away.  Without another word she turned back to James, hugged him again and said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer, but…”

“No,” he said, “I’m just…thanks for coming.”

Dorcas rolled her eyes.  “You and Lily – you treat the smallest things like a huge favour.”

James laughed hollowly, and Lily wrapped an arm around him.  “We’re going to go fairly soon – Dumbledore and Elphias can handle the crowd.”

James made a sound as though to protest, and Lily looked at him sternly.  “Don’t even say it,” she said, “You are going home, you are going to eat something and then you’re going to sleep.”

“There are people who knew my mother here, Lily; I have to talk to them.”

“Oh, you have to talk to them, when your poor, _pregnant_ wife is standing here with swollen ankles, and has been standing here for several hours looking at you acting like a maniac when all I want is for you to STOP for one second.”

Lily finished her little diatribe to see everyone staring at her, and she took a deep breath and added, “At least…that’s what I think.”

Remus looked as though he wanted to laugh, while Peter seemed stunned.  James stared at her in awe and, once the shock wore off, he smiled sheepishly and said, “Yes dear.”

Lily felt more than a little ridiculous, but her comments had evidently had an effect, for James agreed to go home within half an hour.  Once she got him there she eventually convinced him to eat and, after a great deal of persuasion, to take the potion.

Unfortunately, Lily didn’t find it anywhere near as easy to find sleep herself, and after several hours of tossing and turning, sometimes in a doze, sometimes not, she went down to the kitchen.

It was something of a surprise when she saw Sirius sitting at their kitchen table, nursing a Firewhisky, evidently the first of many.  She actually stopped short in the doorway, unsure of whether to go in, for several seconds, but Sirius happened to look up and so in she went.

From the expression on his face, Lily was fairly sure he’d hoped it was James, but he looked up at her welcomingly enough.  “Hi,” he said.

She walked over to the sink, intending to pour herself a glass of water, and Sirius continued, “Do you mind…”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lily said shortly, “You know you’re always…welcome.  Did you have trouble sleeping?”

He shrugged.  “I didn’t actually try – couldn’t.  You?”

Lily shook her head.  “Aside from everything else, my back’s sore.”

Sirius cocked his head, a familiar gleam in his eye, “Why don’t you take something for it, I can…”

“Sirius,” Lily said caustically, “I know how to brew a Pain Relieving Draught.  I’ve known how to do it for nearly ten years.  It doesn’t work for chronic pain, and…I have a fairly impressive stomach, as you might have noticed, and with that…comes the pain.”

Sirius leaned back his chair, and a sudden impulse of concern made her say, “Did you eat _anything_ today, or…was just it all liquid?”

Sirius smiled at her.  “You don’t need to feed me Lily.”

“Well, if you haven’t eaten, I kind of do.  So, have you?”

Sirius shook his head, and when Lily made a motion towards the cooker he stood up sharply, and said, “Don’t!  Don’t…you should sit, and…let people do things _for_ you.”

Lily couldn’t help herself – she giggled.  Sirius raised an eyebrow, and said, “Is it mocking my cooking, you are?” he said, in an affected Irish accent.

She burst out laughing, and finally took a seat, taking care to have a good view of what he was doing.  He seemed to like the attention, for his cooking involved a great many flourishes and unnecessary brandishings of the fish slice.  He promised her the best scrambled eggs on toast she’d ever taste, and Lily let him think he was doing it as more for her than him.

When they sat down Lily surprised herself by eating with gusto, and it was several minutes before they actually started to talk.

The beginning of the conversation was actually rather odd.  Sirius looked at her and said, “I thought you’d be angry.”

Lily was halfway through chewing her eggs and she had to swallow before she could say, “Angry about what?”

Sirius looked at her piercingly and said, “About Dorcas.”  
  


Lily sighed, and moved her chair further away from the table so that she was slightly more comfortable.  She didn’t actually know what to say.  The truth was, she had been angry with Sirius, powerfully and unreasonably angry, and she’d even been tempted to go over and hex him, but…in the end she was well aware that disfiguring him permanently was unlikely to convince him to make Dorcas happy again.

“I was angry,” she said slowly, “But…I had this feeling that, if I came down on you like a ton of bricks it wouldn’t help.”

Sirius laughed sharply and said, “You might have been on to something.”

Lily smiled and said, “And the eggs are pretty good.”

He nodded and then took a deep breath, “Is she…is she all right?”

Lily shrugged.  “You want the shopping list?” 

Sirius looked at her, leaned forward and said, “Tell me.”

Lily sighed, “Well,” she said, “her grandmother just died, and she’s basically her only family, apart from John, who’s sixty thousand miles away half the time – and she’s trying to work a full time job, while doing extra work for Dumbledore and her ordinary Order stuff, which is basically a full job all by itself.  And I can’t get her to stop, even though she’s running herself ragged, and James can’t – and there were only two other people who could ever get her to slow down, and one of them is dead.”

Sirius sighed.  “Marlene could convince anyone of anything.”

“Yeah,” Lily said.  It still hurt to think of her friend – in a way it seemed to get harder as Lily grew older and came to realise just how much had been lost when Marlene was taken from the world.  She’d been so very young.  “She could.  She really could.”  She paused and then, thinking this was something Sirius would understand, added, “I keep thinking it’ll be easier – but I still feel this awful gap.  I know…I know it’s the same for Dorcas.”

Sirius nodded and said, “What happened to that Jenny one you used to hang around with?”

Lily sighed.  “She’s still in Australia.  I think she’s doing work for the Order there, and…I get the general impression that…well her parents are pretty old, and they’re staying out there with her.  She sent me a letter…she and Marlene were pretty tight.”

Sirius took all this in – it must have seemed somewhat strange to him, for she rarely spoke so frankly – and said, “I think this calls for ice cream.”

“Ice cream!”  Lily said, clapping her hands with delight, “Make it chocolate?”

Sirius grinned, flicked his wand, and a moment later there were gleaming glass bowls on the table in front of them, full to the brim with mounds of frosty, delicious ice-cream.

Lily took a large spoonful and winced sharply.  Sirius looked concerned, and said, “What’s…did I conjure it badly?”

“No,” she said, “it’s great.  It’s this little monster – he has the legs of a football player and no idea of the time.”

“That’s got to be weird.”

Lily raised an eyebrow.  “Are you calling my baby weird?”

Sirius shook his head and looked at her helplessly.  Lily rolled her eyes and said, “Come on, you know you want to.”

“Want to what?”

Lily sighed, took one of his hands, so much bigger than her own, and spread it over her stomach.  “Everyone else wanted to feel it at some point,” she said, “I think as Godfather you have certain rights.”

He said nothing, but peered at her stomach as though it were some kind of puzzle.  His eyes widened with shock when the baby gave a particularly vigorous kick, and Lily smiled and said, “That’s your Godson.”

Sirius smiled – and it was a true smile, a smile with real deep feeling underneath it, and Lily said, “Do you like it?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I like it.”

Lily smiled impishly, “James will sit with his hand, or his head, there for hours at a time.  He even talks to him – I think there’s some indoctrination going on.”

Sirius cocked an eyebrow, “What kind of…?”

“Oh, you know – be a Quidditch player, don’t listen to your mother when she says it’s a sport for insane people who like having their bones broken, and so on.”

Sirius laughed and said, “I think that’s going to be a potential battleground in future.”

“Well,” Lily said primly, “there you are wrong, because my son will not be playing Quidditch.  Not ever.”

“Yeah.  Good luck with that, Lily.”

They were silent for several minutes, and Lily was just considering going back to bed, when Sirius said, “I don’t think my mum ever cared that much if I broke any bones.”

“I’m sure that’s not…”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, staring at her, “it is.  She was…‘ashamed I came from her loins’, or something, since I didn’t believe all her garbage.”

Lily didn’t know what to say.  It took a moment for her to find the right tone.  “With all due respect, Sirius, your mother’s a cow.”

“You’re not wrong.”  Sirius took a long pull from his hitherto forgotten glass of Firewhisky. “Mrs Potter was…well…”

Lily put her hand on his. “She cared about you.  She wished you wouldn’t ride that bike.”

“Never going to happen.  I love that bike.” 

There was almost something a little sad about Sirius’ devotion to that hunk of metal, and upon that reflection Lily decided to go to bed.  She warned him not to drink too much, and mentioned that, as usual, the room on the third floor with the green wallpaper was free for him to use.  When he asked, ever so casually, about the funeral, Lily informed him that Dorcas’ grandmother would be buried at eleven the next day in Skye.

*          *          *

She and James rose extremely late the next morning.  James still wasn’t talking much, and Lily went about the business of making a breakfast from what Dorcas had left them as quickly as possible.  It was hard to coax him into eating anything, but Lily might have had more success, if it hadn’t been for a head that poked out of their fireplace.

“Lily!  Lily!”  Remus said urgently. “Lily, you’ve got to come to St Mungo’s right now!”

His face was so animated and his voice so very nearly desperate that Lily dropped her plate when she stood up to talk to him.  “What’s the matter?” she said.

“There’s been…the Death Eaters attacked the funeral, they went after Dorcas and…I got her to the hospital, but…there’s something awful wrong with her, I know it.  They won’t tell me what it is, but you’re the person on her papers.”  
  


“Right,” Lily said, adrenaline and horrible, horrible fear running through her veins, “back out.  We’re coming.”


	16. The Saddest Lines

#### 16:The Saddest Lines

 

Lily jiggled her left foot up and down nervously.  They’d been waiting in the corridor for nearly fifteen minutes and she scarcely had the patience to listen to Remus’ account of what had happened.

Their arrival seemed to have eased his panic a little, and his voice had regained some of its usual sedateness.  “They went straight for her, James,” he said, “They didn’t care about me, they didn’t care about _any_ _one_ who was there, they just wanted Dorcas.  She held them off for a while, but…”

“Why didn’t you call us?” James said, sounding slightly angry.

Remus’ mouth fell open for a moment and then he said, “I didn’t think of it.  Everything happened so fast.”

He looked rather haggard and Lily touched his shoulder gently.  “It’s not your fault,” she said, “If they were that determined to get her…”  Fortunately she was saved from having to think of any further false comfort by the arrival of the Healer, who looked equally relieved to see Lily.  “Mrs Potter?” she said.

Lily nodded and stood up, saying, “Is she going to be all right?”

The Healer, who Lily now recognized as one Laura Bell, sighed and named a curse that Lily herself had been hit with two years before.  “The curse damage mainly affects the soft tissue,” she said, “but for some reason… we’ve seen this curse quite often in recent years, but Miss Meadows isn’t responding to our usual treatments.  Are you aware…does she suffer from the Meadows’ weakness?”

Lily shrugged.  “I don’t know of any…”

“There’s a blood disease that sometimes emerges in that family – a particular line.”

“Her father was Harold Meadows,” Lily said helplessly.

Laura Bell shook her head.  “It won’t be that then,” she said, “Harold Meadows wasn’t…are there any chronic illnesses that you know of?”

“No,” Lily said, “Nothing.  She’d been a bit run down but…Dorcas was getting better.”

“And her brother – will it be possible to contact him?”

“He’s gone back to Indonesia, it’ll take days to…”

“Or Mr…”  Laura Bell squinted at the sheet of paper she carried.  “Sirius Black?  His name had been partially erased from Miss Meadows’ list, but…”

“I don’t think he’ll know any more than I do,” Lily said, feeling slightly nauseous.

“Very well, Mrs Potter.”  The Healer said, “We’ll keep you informed of any developments.”

She walked away briskly, and Lily was left to endure hours of anxious waiting.  Peter turned up around two o’clock, bringing buns and coffee with him, but Lily was so keyed up she could scarcely breathe, let alone eat.  At one point she collected herself enough to ask, “Where’s Sirius?”

Remus sighed.   “He was at the funeral,” he said, “I saw him in his animal form, but…I don’t know about after.  There were too many people…he wouldn’t have been able to transform.”

Even in the midst of such confusion and fear Lily found the time to say, “Well a fat lot of use he is to her as a bloody _dog_.”

“No, Lily, you don’t understand.  He got to her before I did.  If the Aurors hadn’t arrived in time…there were nearly a dozen of them.”

“Right,” Lily said.  “Right… Well then, why isn’t he _here_?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said.  He looked miserable.  “I have no idea where he went.”

No one seemed able to think of anything to say after this, and the four of them sat in silence from then on.  There was nothing to be said, and even James didn’t attempt to make a joke when a woman who’d turned her skin into scales walked by.

Lily’s back was aching when the Healer returned and said, “Mrs Potter, she’s awake if you’d like to join her.”

“Yes,” Lily said vehemently, “Of course…”  James helped her stand up, and a moment later Lily was walking down the ward as quickly as possible.  When she finally saw her, Dorcas looked horribly pale.  She was attempting to sit up but it was evidently causing her a certain amount of pain.  Lily felt as though she’d never realized just how tiny her friend was.

Nonetheless, Lily plastered a smile on her face and said, “What are you playing at putting yourself into hospital?  Are we not paying enough attention to you?”

Dorcas managed a tight little smile.  “Don’t make me laugh,” she said, “It hurts.”

Lily held back her tears and said, “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

Laura Bell joined them.  “I’m glad you’re here, Mrs Potter; I hoped one of Miss Meadows’ friends would be here for…Miss Meadows are you aware of what happened to you?”

“I was cursed by one of the Death Eaters,” Dorcas said simply.

“Yes, that is correct, but…the curse had some unusual effects, and for some time we were…uncertain as to why.”  Here the Healer paused and bit her lip before saying, “Miss Meadows I don’t know how to…were you aware that you were…that you were pregnant?”

For a moment, all the clatter and bustle of the ward seemed extraordinarily loud in Lily’s ears as she watched her friend’s face.  Shock and horrible realization chased each other across Dorcas’ face and finally she said, “I’m sorry…were?”

Laura Bell swallowed and said, “About four weeks, possibly five, but…the effect of the curse…I’m very sorry Miss Meadows.  It was a girl.”

“Oh,” Dorcas said, one hand sliding down to cup her still flat stomach.  “Oh.”

Lily stood up slowly as the Healer continued talking, discussing further treatment and the Potions Dorcas would have to take during her convalescence.  There was little Lily could do to help, and so she walked back to the others, feeling slightly numb.

When James saw her, he stood up sharply, saying, “How is she?”

“She’s…she’s going to be fine,” Lily said through stiff lips.  “James you have to find…you _have_ to find Sirius.”

Peter made a sound of protest, and Lily rounded on him angrily.  “I don’t care what your opinions are on the matter Peter – get Sirius here yesterday.”

With that Lily stalked back to Dorcas’ bed, struggling to compose herself.  Everything about this situation angered her – it was so sad and awful and _wasteful_.  Dorcas’ daughter had never even been born.

She sat by Dorcas’ bed, kissed her brow and said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Dorcas’ face was tear-stained already.  “I didn’t know.  I didn’t know, Lily!” she said.  “It never even struck me.”

“What happened?”  Lily asked gently.

Dorcas’ eyes were looking at something beyond Lily’s ability to see as she said, “It was…about a month ago, I think.  The night of the Hospital attack.  I got back late; I’d been with Trelawney that evening, and when I came home…he was there.  I’ve never seen him like that Lily – he was just…desperate.  I _couldn’t_ ask him to leave.  He was barely even speaking.”

“I see,” Lily said, beginning to understand, “That’s how you knew.”

“Yeah,” Dorcas said, “I knew.  I’m pretty sure he killed someone that night.  That’s why he was so…anyway, when I woke up the next morning, he was gone.  I never even thought of…that we could have…God, Lily!  I was going to have a child!”

She broke down, with weeping that seemed beyond simple sorrow.  A life that could have been, that ought to have been, had been stolen from her, and she would still be able to have children was scant comfort.  In all the years they’d been friends, Lily had never seen Dorcas like this – and she’d never felt more useless.

She sat by Dorcas’ bed, stroked her hair and mumbled comforting words, longing for Sirius to appear.  What could Lily say?  What words did she have that could even touch the enormity of Dorcas’ loss?

Lily never knew how long she sat by her friend’s bed, nor could she ever remember what scraps of words she actually said, but when she saw Remus approaching, she knew she had to leave, even if only for a few minutes. 

Remus took her place by Dorcas’ bed, and Lily walked down the ward once again, preparing herself for the task ahead.  She had lived months that had seemed shorter than this one day, and she didn’t doubt that the next few minutes would be as difficult as all those that had passed.

Unsurprisingly, Sirius was pacing the corridor at a quick pace – he bore a notable resemblance to a tiger, and Lily rather thought he was scaring the people around him.  Walking as quickly as she could, Lily joined him, but before she could speak he said, “Is she all right?”

Glancing quickly at Remus and James, she said, “Dorcas is fine, but…I need to talk to you.”

“Why?  What’s the matter?  Is there something…”

Lily swallowed and said, “There’s…Sirius, please – let’s go somewhere more…private.”  She didn’t want to tell him when they were surrounded by the noise and business of the hospital, when his response would serve as a bizarre kind of entertainment for the people nearby.

But of course he wouldn’t go, and despite all Lily’s requests, he demanded loudly, “You tell me right now.  What’s the matter?  Do you hear me?”

“All right,” Lily said quietly, “I’ll tell you.  The curse they hit her with…well, the Healers patched her up, she’s fine but…”

“But what?”  Sirius said impatiently.  He was shifting from foot to foot, and looked as if he was tempted to bolt right up to Dorcas’ bedside if Lily didn’t get a move on.

Wishing James and Peter weren’t listening to their conversation so intently, Lily continued.  “They didn’t understand why the curse was affecting her the way it did – not the usual way – and then they checked, and…Dorcas was pregnant, Sirius.”

His whole face simply sagged, and Lily scarcely heard James’ exclamation of surprise, so preoccupied was she with watching Sirius’ reaction.  Knowing he would need more information she added, “The Healer said it was about four weeks, maybe a little more.”

Sirius stared at her for a full minute. Concerned by his lack of response, Lily steered him towards a seat – he needed little convincing to slump on to it.  James put a hand on his shoulder and said, “Are you all right, mate?”

Sirius nodded blankly, and Lily continued.  “She didn’t know, Sirius.  She’s as shocked as you are.”

He said nothing, and summoning up her courage Lily said, “She’s really…broken up about it, so if you could…just talk to her?  Please.”

He shook his head.  A tone of desperation entered Lily’s voice as she said, “Sirius _please._   She needs _you._ ”

He stood up sharply.  “I’m sorry…I can’t.”

A moment later he was gone, striding down the corridor to lord knew where.  James glanced at Peter, who trotted off after Sirius as quickly as possible – Sirius however was so tall, and walked at such a pace, that Lily rather thought Peter was unlikely to catch him any time soon.

She turned to face the wall, muttering, “Damn him!”

Tears were falling from her eyes when James caught her elbow and turned her around saying, “Hey!  It’s all right.”

“No,” Lily said, “It’s not.  I can’t help her, James, I can’t help!”

He shook his head.  “Don’t be stupid – after everything you two have been through.”

“James,” she said, “Look at me.  I’m the _last_ person Dorcas is going to want to see right now.”

It took a moment for her meaning to sink in, but when it finally did James sighed – looking as though he wouldn’t mind punching a wall himself.  Lily kissed him on the cheek and wiped her eyes, saying, “Well – what can’t be cured…  I’m going to convince the Healers to let her come home with us.”

James nodded, his eyes never leaving hers.  “Are you okay?”

“It’s just…she was going to have a daughter, James – a little girl, and now… Dorcas looks so lost.”

He shook his head, seeming to feel the same impossibility of even touching the loss in words that Lily had, and said, “I’ll talk to the Healers.  Go…look after her.”

Lily smiled and kissed him again as thanks, before returning to Dorcas’ bedside.  Unsurprisingly, her friend wasn’t really in the mood to talk.  She simply lay on the bed, staring into space for hours on end.  Lily tried to talk to her, to improve her mood somehow, but was predictably unsuccessful.  At least she could hand Dorcas tissues when she cried.

The Healers insisted that Dorcas stay for at least one night’s observation, and so Lily sat with her till she fell asleep.  She was still uncertain as to what good she’d actually done for her friend, and she walked back down the ward with a heavy heart.

Indeed, she might well have broken down before she reached James, had she not seen a certain person walking towards her.  Sirius had come back.

*          *          *

Oddly enough, Lily always remembered the weeks of Dorcas’ recuperation as some of the happiest of her life.  The four of them were together almost all the time – Sirius had all but moved in with them – and Peter and Remus dropped in nearly every day, but it was more than simply being close to the people she loved.  It was being free, for once, of worry.

Not that their fears had deserted them – in the midst of war that was all but impossible – but Dumbledore had ordered them all away from Order business until the birth of Lily’s baby, and so they were free to truly enjoy themselves.  No one had to rush away for a meeting with a contact, or to patrol sensitive areas of the Ministry, or engage in recruiting missions.  They were actually able to just lounge about and enjoy themselves – something that had been a rarity in recent years.

Dorcas, of course, was rather thoughtful during these days – there was a kind of bruised look in her eyes at times that made Lily ache for all that had been lost – but they rarely spoke of it.  Dorcas had been rather adamant that talking about her loss would not help, would not make her feel it any less, and so Lily resorted to other, less straightforward, methods of comfort.  She’d known Dorcas for long enough to know that, more than anything else, Dorcas needed time to process, to accept, what had happened.  Talking would come with time.

She went out of her way to spend time alone with Dorcas – they went for walks, admittedly rather short walks due to Lily’s bulk, and shopping in Diagon Alley, and they reminisced over old photographs.  More than once, Lily suspected Dorcas had been crying, but aside from embracing her friend and telling her that if she wished to talk she could, there was little Lily could do.

In any case, Lily suspected it was Sirius who was doing the most to put the colour back in Dorcas’ face.  They weren’t ‘together’ again – at least not as far as Lily was aware – but there was a newfound closeness, a new warmth between them.  They had rediscovered their old bantering interaction from years before – Lily was given a new appreciation of what it must have been like for everyone who’d watched her and James.  Sirius was terribly keen to do things _for_ Dorcas, whether it was pulling out her chair or fetching her book or cooking her dinner. 

It was so good to see the two of them being nice to each other, being friends again, that Lily decided not to pry unless Dorcas appeared to want her to.  Nonetheless, she was somewhat surprised to come down to breakfast one morning, nearly two weeks after the attack on Dorcas, to find Sirius absent.

Dorcas offered no explanation for this oddity, and was in fact suspiciously silent all day.  She was nervy and broke three plates, and eventually Lily had to ask, “What’s the matter with you?”

Dorcas shook her head and said, “Sorry.  I’m not…thinking straight today.”

“Yeah.  I noticed.  Is there such a thing as a reason why?”

Dorcas sighed and said, “It’s ridiculous…it’s just a little thing.”

“Well,” Lily said, conjuring a pot of tea with a flick of her wand, “Tell me what the little thing is so we can get back to criticising Scarlett O’Hara’s lifestyle choices.”

Dorcas glared at her and said, “Rhett Butler is the _last_ thing I need right now.”

“You and Remus,” Lily said, “You just don’t appreciate good tragic romance.  Anyway, what happened?”

“Well,” Dorcas said, “You have to promise not to scream.”

Lily nodded emphatically.

“Sirius kissed me last night.  It wasn’t…it wasn’t anything, it was just instinct,” Dorcas added hurriedly, “But…I suppose I’m…nervous…about seeing him, again.”

“Well, of course, you are.”  Lily said, “But why do you think it was ‘instinct’?”

Dorcas rolled her eyes.  “Because,” she said, “It happened in the stupidest way imaginable.  I was sitting beside him on the sofa, and we were chatting, and then I said I was going to bed, and somehow that got turned into Sirius pulling me onto the sofa and…half ravishing me.”

Lily’s eyebrows nearly shot off her face.  “This was going purely on instinct!”

Dorcas looked uncomfortable.  “Sirius is a fairly…intense guy.”

“Oh, evidently,” Lily said.  “Isn’t this a good thing?  It’s what you wanted.”

Dorcas bit her lip.  “I do.  It’s the one thing that I…but we’re not seventeen anymore Lily.”

“Yeah – we’re all of twenty.”

Dorcas laughed harshly.  “It’s just,” she said, “We’ve done this before, we’ve fallen into something, and it didn’t work.  It was a disaster…and I’m not sure I could do it again.  Though who knows, since he’s been gone all day, I’m probably just clutching at straws.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Lily said.  “What did _you_ do?”

“I…I bolted,” Dorcas said, “I mean, once I realized what I was doing…and that I shouldn’t have been doing it, well…then I left.  Maybe…maybe I shouldn’t have, maybe I should have stayed and I don’t know talked to him…except I don’t think _talking_ was what he had in mind.”

Lily let out a small gasp of laughter and said, “Well – at least part of it was fun.  I know you’re won’t be able to stop thinking about it, but try to think of it as little as you can. And drink your tea.  Everyone’s coming over later.”

“Oh yes,” Dorcas said, “Peter’s birthday tea.  I’d forgotten.”

“Well,” Lily said, “Sirius won’t want to miss that, so you’ll know then.”

“So,” Dorcas said with a put-upon sigh, “Have you any other awful ‘epic’ romances you want me to watch?”

*          *          *

At the event, it was Gideon and Fabian who turned up first.  Fabian had saved Lily the rather onerous task of picking up Peter’s cake, and both twins insisted on doing all the preparation for the party themselves.  Lily was not to do anything – evidently pregnancy was effectively incapacitating. 

Still, while Gideon and Fabian were working, they were able to discuss the latest news from the Order.  Dorcas shook her head at their news.  “If Dumbledore is worried,” she said, “I’m worried”

“What do you mean?” Fabian said.

Dorcas hugged her knees where she sat and said, “Dumbledore’s suspected for months that someone’s been…passing information on, and now well, everything confirms it.”

Lily looked at her oddly.  “What do you mean?”

“Well…there are a couple of things, actually.  How did the Death Eaters know about my Gran’s funeral?  She wasn’t that well known – she was an old woman who lived on her own on the Isle of Skye, and most of her friends were Muggles.  I don’t think it was even in the Prophet.”

“Well, yeah, that sounds suspicious,” Fabian said, “But I’m not sure that gets you to a spy, Dorcas.”

“No,” Dorcas admitted, “It doesn’t, but…I _know_ Dumbledore has a contact inside You-Know-Who’s organization – high up even – and he seems fairly sure.  The only way he’d _know_ that is if…if he was told.”

“Well in that case,” Lily said, “Wouldn’t he know who this spy is?  That’s the most important information of all.”

Gideon shook his head.  “Not necessarily.  I doubt that’s information You-Know-Who spreads around much, not if he has any sense.  Remember what happened with Eleanor Burke?”

He had a point, and Lily mulled this over for several minutes.  Once they were done with the party preparations, Fabian shared the rather entertaining story of how Dorcas had accidentally walked in on him and Gaspard Shingleton in an intimate moment.  Lily had to admit that she and Gideon laughed quite loudly at Dorcas’ expense, but the look of embarrassment on Dorcas’ face was too priceless to be resisted.

Unfortunately for Dorcas, James, Remus and Peter all arrived while they were still laughing over her embarrassment.  Although Lily noticed that Peter was not particularly welcoming to Dorcas, he enjoyed the story nonetheless.  Dorcas’ face grew increasingly red and by the time Sirius arrived she bore a strong resemblance to a freshly picked cherry.

And to make matters worse, Sirius wasn’t alone.

He had a girl with him.  A girl who made most of the men in the room – with the exception of Fabian – look as though they’d been hit over the head with a cricket bat.  She had a tall, lithe figure, wide, bright blue eyes and long, shiny hair the colour of cornsilk.

Lily thought Dorcas was going to faint, and she moved to sit beside her as quickly as possible.  Sirius introduced the new girl as one ‘Daisy Brown’, and she beamed to the room at large.

Out of all of the men in the room Fabian was the only one who seemed to understand Dorcas’ distress.  James was chatting with Daisy, playing the role of the best friend to perfection, and the other three were simply staring.  It wasn’t often one saw such a beautiful woman in real life.

Fabian leaned forward, and touched Dorcas’ knee saying, “Gideon and me, we got your new flat sorted out, and whenever you need your stuff moved in…we’ll do it.”

Dorcas started, and said, “Oh…thanks.  I hadn’t been thinking about it.”  Her eyes were fixed on Sirius, who was leaning back in his chair with a rather smug look on his face.

Gideon seemed to sense his brother’s scheme, for he clapped Dorcas on the shoulder and said, “Yeah, we were going to say.  That Muggle film Lily’s always going on about…”

“Gone With the Wind?” Dorcas said sardonically.

“No – the other one.  Star Wars!  The sequel is out, and Fabian and I were thinking, we’ll all go to the film and then we’ll take you out and get you drunk… And then…we’ll get you a bad curry and hold your hair back when you throw up.”

“Thanks,” Dorcas said, with an odd smile on her face, “That’s a…lovely offer.”

Gideon grinned at Lily.  “We’d include you in the invitation, but you have the look of a woman who’s nesting.”

Lily crinkled her nose.  “Nesting?”

Fabian nodded seriously.  “Nesting.  Our older sister has six children – we know that look.”

“So,” Gideon said, “Dorcas, are you up for a night out on the town with your two favourite men?”

Dorcas sighed.  “Will Gaspard be there?”

Fabian raised his eyebrows. “Is that a problem?”

“You see,” Dorcas said, “I’m still blushing from seeing the boy who used to fancy _me_ with…well with you.  I don’t think I’m able to look him in the face just yet.”

“Right,” Gideon said, “It’s a date.”

Daisy laughed, and her laugh had the clear, pure tinkle of a bell.  Lily hated that laugh.  Dorcas suddenly had a smile fixed on her face and she spoke with a slightly manic gaiety as she said, “Sure.  How about tonight?”

Gideon’s eyes widened for a moment, and he glanced briefly at Sirius before saying, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah!”  Dorcas said, sounding even stranger, if that was possible.  “I’ll pack up my trunk, and bring it over after the party, and then we can go.”

“Great?”  Fabian said, looking extremely dubious.  Perhaps he had noticed that Sirius was now glaring at the pair of them.

Fearing an explosion, Lily declared that she was going to get coffee and asked Dorcas to join her.   Once they were safely ensconced in the kitchen Dorcas turned to her and said, “Who the hell is she?”

Lily lifted her hands in a helpless motion and said, “I don’t know.”

“I mean…who the hell is she?!  Talk about…cheek! It’s pure cheek, Lily, bringing her here.  And he only did it because he knew…I don’t know why he did it.”

Lily shrugged and said, “Just rise above it, okay love?  He’s the one in the wrong, and you just need to go out there and…rise above it.  Pay it no attention, do you hear me?”  
  


Dorcas shook her head. “Rise above?  Did you see her Lily – she’s beautiful, she’s…everything I’m not.  I mean, no wonder…”

“Stop it!  Dorcas, you can’t give in to these ridiculous…Sirius has done you wrong, but this…what he just did – it’s about you, it’s about him wanting to prove a point to you.  It’s not about her.”

“Or her stupid hair.”  Dorcas said sulkily.

“Yes.” Lily said, “Her hair is stupid.  Now, we’re going to go sing Happy Birthday to Peter, and then you’re going out with Fabian and Gideon and you’re going to enjoy yourself.”

“As God is my witness?” Dorcas said sardonically.

“Exactly.”  Lily said, searching for a bread knife in the drawer.

Dorcas didn’t answer her except for a gasp – and when Lily turned back to face her she saw why.  Sirius was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, and he did not look happy.

A moment later, he’d caught Dorcas by the elbow and hauled her practically up to his face.  Lily opened the cupboard door nearest her, attempting to hide her presence, a difficult task given her present impressive girth. 

Sirius’ voice was impressively angry.  “So you _are_ going out with him after all?  And all this time…you pretended.”

Dorcas sputtered.  “You’re…you’re accusing me of pretending.  How long have you been with _Daisy_ , exactly?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“None of my business?  I was in hospital two weeks ago, partly because of you – though maybe you prefer to forget that part.”

Sirius sneered.  “How do I know that even had anything to do with me at all?”

Dorcas slapped his face.  “How dare you?  If you knew anything about me, anything at all, you’d know that it’s always…it’s always been you.  But you don’t want to know that, you’d rather deal with the person you made up, the person who’s going to leave you, who doesn’t care about you, because that’s easier.  Now let go of me.”

“You _did_ leave me, something you’re very fond of forgetting, aren’t Dorcas.  You left – you don’t get to throw a hissy fit because I moved on.”

“Moved on?  That’s what you call last night – I see, moving on is jumping on top of me.  Interesting.  How could I have got that confused?  And by the way, bringing ‘Daisy’ here today, brilliantly subtle tactical move.  I applaud you.”

Sirius’ voice contained a hint of a snarl as he said, “And yet again, last night, _you_ left.  You’re the one who’s always running.  So what does that make you?”

Dorcas sounded as though she was about to cry.  “Yeah, Sirius, I’m a huge coward.  All I wanted was for you…for you to love me and I couldn’t bear it…”

“How do you know what it is I feel, Dorcas?  How can you even pretend to know, you’re too busy running away all the time?”

“ _Don’t_ lie to me!”  There was a note of pure anguish in Dorcas’ voice.  “You and I both know you can’t.  Won’t.  I don’t even know what the right word is any more.”

Lily risked a peek around the cupboard door.  They were standing very close together, and it was little more than she’d expected when Sirius attempted to kiss Dorcas.  For a moment, she let him, but the she pulled away, her face screwed up with pain.  “Don’t!” she said, “Please don’t.  I can’t do _this_ …any more.  It hurts too much!”

“Oh yeah – I’m a monster, I’ve hurt you, I’m practically one of You-Know-Who’s cronies, aren’t I.  Why don’t you just give me a Guilt Inducing Potion and be done with it?”

“Yeah,” Dorcas said, “You have, and I know you didn’t mean to, and maybe you didn’t even want to, but you did.  And I’m done.  I’m sorry, but I’m done.”

“Oh…so you’re really going to switch to Gideon now, is it?”

“Sirius, I never wanted Gideon, I still don’t want Gideon, but I’ll go to that film with him tonight  becausetonight because…I can’t keep hoping that somehow you’re going to…going to…I can’t.  So, like I said – I’m sorry.”

Dorcas pecked Sirius on the cheek, and walked back into the sitting room, carrying Peter’s birthday cake with her.   As the chorus rang out, Lily heard Sirius swear, and once she dared to look out from behind her hiding place, she saw him getting on his motorbike where it was parked in the back garden and taking off.

He didn’t return, and the fight cast something of a pall over Peter’s party, which broke extraordinarily quickly, all things considered.  In fact, Peter helped her clean up the aftermath – Remus made an extremely awkward exit, mumbling something about needing to see Frank Longbottom, and James had gone off in search of Sirius.  Dorcas meanwhile was packing her trunk upstairs – on one level Lily wanted to beg her to stay, but she understood that more than anything, Dorcas needed to be alone.  She needed to be away from everything that would bring Sirius to mind.  She’d made a decision to cut him off once and for all, and for now at least it was right for her to avoid any temptation to give in.

Lily was in the midst of sympathising with Peter, and promising a more satisfactory birthday party, when Daisy Brown entered the kitchen.  “Lily,” she said, “Could you…could you tell Sirius I left?”

“Oh,” Lily said hurriedly, “Sure.  Of course.  I’m sorry today was such a…”

“Don’t be,” Daisy said with a shake of her head.  “I didn’t mean to step on any toes.  I mean, I knew there was ‘a girl’, but I didn’t realize…I thought she was dead or something.  Anyway, I’m sorry.  Could you tell her…it wasn’t anything.  Sirius is a lot of fun, and, lately, fun’s been hard to find, so…but I don’t expect I’ll be seeing him again.”

Lily sighed and said, “Thanks for…well I hope it wasn’t too awful.”

Daisy shrugged.  “I’ve had much worse break-ups, believe me.”

Lily sighed and watched her go.  It seemed to be the theme for that evening, and within about forty minutes everyone was gone.  At least she could be certain that Gideon and Fabian would take care of Dorcas.

*          *          *

In fact, they seemed to take care of her a little too well.  Lily knew Dorcas wanted to be alone for a time, but no one could disappear for more than a few days without inspiring worry.  By the fifth day Lily was almost on the point of storming Dorcas’ flat, and she almost certainly would have done, had she not arrived at the house early that evening.

She seemed very surprised when Lily hugged her, and she wasn’t particularly talkative.  Eventually, Lily said, “What’s wrong?  Are you still upset about…the other day?”

Dorcas started and looked momentarily confused.  “No,” she said, “I’m fine.  I’m better then fine.”

Lily raised her eyebrows.  “If you’re fine then…why haven’t we seen you at all?  You shouldn’t just disappear for random stretches of time – it scares people Dorcas.”

“Look, Lily, I don’t need _you_ to worry about me.  I’m fine.”

Lily stared at her friend, who certainly seemed somewhat happier than she had been of late.  It just would have been more reassuring if there were some apparent reason for the change.

Dorcas continued as Sirius and James entered.  “I can’t stay long – I just wanted to make sure you knew I was all right.  I have things to do, but…”

Here she turned to Sirius, kissed him full on the lips, and said, “About before – I’m sorry.  I think we should talk about that, about all the things I’ve done that…I should apologize.”

Lily thought her jaw was going to hit the floor as Dorcas left the house and they heard her Apparate.  Sirius was grinning, and Lily couldn’t help herself.  “You better not take her up on that, do you hear me?”

“What?” Sirius said, “She wants to sort things out, she said it herself.”

“Well then she’s clearly gone nuts,” Lily said, “or flipped because of the last few weeks, but she’s not being sensible”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sirius said uncomfortably.

“I’m _not_ being ridiculous.  And I’m not going to watch this happen again, Sirius.”

He had been leaning back on his chair, straining to reach the biscuit tin, but his chair hit the floor with a clap.  “You think you can get in the way, Lily.”

“Yeah,” she said, “I do.  And I will.  I will _not_ watch her go through it again.  You can’t ask me to do that.”

He scoffed.  “It’s not that big a deal…”

Lily cut him off sharply.  “You broke her heart!  You broke her heart, Sirius, and I’m the one who had to watch.  And if you think I’m about to sit through that again, then you’re crazy.”

Sirius was as angry as Lily had ever seen him.  “I wouldn’t listen to this from…anyone.  If you weren’t James’ wife…”

“Well I am James’ wife, Sirius, and you’re just going to have to put up with me.  Because, believe it or not, I’m your friend, and I want you to be happy.”

“No you don’t,” he said with a sneer, “You want me to be happy with Dorcas, and if I can’t do that, then you’ve nothing for me.”

“That’s not true, you _idiot_ ,” Lily said, “I want you to be _happy_ – and the happiest I’ve ever seen you, or her for that matter, was when you two were together.  But if you can’t manage that…I want you to leave her the hell alone.  Simple.”

Sirius stared at Lily for a moment or two – she’d never seen him so angry, not even when he was doing battle with the foulest of Death Eaters.  She could see a momentary struggle in his eyes, possibly because he was considering whether to curse her or not, and then he strode out of the kitchen, slamming the door after him.

Lily was trembling, she’d never seen Sirius so angry – at least, not so angry with her.  James looked at her and shrugged, “I know how you feel,” he said, “But I have to go.”

Lily nodded numbly.  “I know.  I know, and I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said…tell him I’m sorry.”

James nodded, and stood up, his expression sombre.  “He needs me, but…”

“It’s okay, James,” Lily said, “I know being the middle can’t be easy.  I’ll talk to you when you get back.”

“Thanks Lily,” he said, and kissed her on the cheek.  Protecting Sirius was what James did, what he’d always done, and while it didn’t cost Lily much to understand him, for James it was…huge that she did.

*          *          *

Lily slept heavily that night, her dreams a strange mingling of images.  She was chasing someone, she had no idea who, down through a maze as lights flashed and objects exploded around her.  She woke up before she managed to find the person she’d been chasing.

James had evidently been and gone, for he left a note on her pillow.  Breakfast was downstairs waiting for her, he’d be home soon, and she wasn’t to worry.  And he loved her.

Lily smiled at the note, as one of the more pleasant ways she’d been woken recently, and went to her shower still smiling.  As she walked down the stairs twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door.  She hurried to open it, wondering who it could be.  But Lily could never have guessed who awaited her.

Standing in her doorway was Severus Snape.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from a poem by Pablo Neruda that I thought particularly fitting for Dorcas’ and Sirius’ relationship.
> 
>  
> 
> XX From:’ Veinte poemas de amor’
> 
>  
> 
> I can write the saddest lines tonight.
> 
> Write for example: ‘The night is fractured
> 
> and they shiver, blue, those stars, in the distance’
> 
> The night wind turns in the sky and sings.
> 
> I can write the saddest lines tonight.
> 
> I loved her, sometimes she loved me too.
> 
> On nights like these I held her in my arms.
> 
> I kissed her greatly under the infinite sky.
> 
> She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
> 
> How could I not have loved her huge, still eyes.
> 
> I can write the saddest lines tonight.
> 
> To think I don’t have her, to feel I have lost her.
> 
> Hear the vast night, vaster without her.
> 
> Lines fall on the soul like dew on the grass.
> 
> What does it matter that I couldn’t keep her.
> 
> The night is fractured and she is not with me.
> 
> That is all. Someone sings far off. Far off,
> 
> my soul is not content to have lost her.
> 
> As though to reach her, my sight looks for her.
> 
> My heart looks for her: she is not with me
> 
> The same night whitens, in the same branches.
> 
> We, from that time, we are not the same.
> 
> I don’t love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.
> 
> My voice tried to find the breeze to reach her.
> 
> Another’s kisses on her, like my kisses.
> 
> Her voice, her bright body, infinite eyes.
> 
> I don’t love her, that’s certain, but perhaps I love her.
> 
> Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long.
> 
> Since, on these nights, I held her in my arms,
> 
> my soul is not content to have lost her.
> 
> Though this is the last pain she will make me suffer,
> 
> and these are the last lines I will write for her.


	17. A Formal Feeling

#### 17:A Formal Feeling

   
                         

Lily had never wanted for opportunities to practise her duelling.  Living with James and, in great part, Sirius, both of whom were trainee Aurors, had developed Lily's instincts to a high pitch.  Indeed, she believed the greater part of her skill came from their proximity, though this was hard to judge, as she couldn't survive as a member of the Order for three years without a certain degree of natural skill.

In any case, Lily's instincts served her well, and she raised her arm in a rapid motion, the tip of her wand resting against Severus Snape's throat before either of them had time even to blink.

That he was _surprised_ by this reception was evident, but Lily was not disposed to care greatly for his feelings.  "Give me a reason," she said in a low voice.  "Give me a reason and I swear I will."

To the best of her knowledge, Lily had never actually killed anyone, though in the rough and tumble of duels with Death Eaters one could never be certain.  Her usual tactic was to immobilise or somehow isolate her opponents, but there was no way Snape could know that.

She'd never been more terrified, for herself or for her son, who stirred within her even at this moment, but her arm was completely steady and her voice didn't even tremble.  She wished James were there.

Snape did look slightly intimidated, but he stayed calm, a fact that was noticeable in itself.  Severus Snape had never been known at Hogwarts for his calm, unruffled temperament.  Looking him over, Lily could see other changes.

For most of the time she'd known him, Severus Snape had been a skinny, unhealthy looking boy.  He had always looked very young.  Sirius, in comparison, seemed to have attained manhood at age fifteen; Lily couldn't think of a single feature that had changed since.  His shoulders might be a little broader, and his hair was certainly longer, but otherwise he looked the same.   James had shot up over one summer, towering over Lily by nearly six inches when he'd returned at the beginning of sixth year (something he'd taken undue pleasure in, in Lily's opinion).  Remus and Peter had grown less dramatically, but certainly by the time they'd left school they'd had the look of men.

Severus, however, had not, and so there was an odd edge to seeing him again.  All in all, he'd grown up rather better than Lily had expected.  His hair was as greasy as ever, but his skin had improved, and he no longer looked as though his hands and feet were several sizes too big.

Still, there were other issues to be considered, and Lily gestured at him sharply with her wand.  "What are you doing here?"

He made as if to move away from her, and she moved her wand threateningly.  She couldn't let him get his wand out.  Snape looked irritated and said in a lordly tone, "You don't know I'm a Death Eater."

"You're right, I don't."  Lily said, one arm snaking over her stomach protectively.  "But I'm not about to risk it.  _What_ do you want?"

Snape sighed.  "Didn't Dumbledore tell you about me?"

"Tell me what?" Lily said challengingly.

"That I…I'm on your side – I'm his spy."

Snape's mouth curled unpleasantly as he spoke, and Lily wouldn't have believed him, but for her memory of what Dorcas had said.  _If_ Dumbledore had a spy, it was entirely possible, no, likely, that he wouldn't reveal his identity – it would be safer for all concerned.

Still, Lily was not about to risk everything on such a chance, and so she said, "Well, what do you want me for?"

Snape looked around him briefly.  "I can't find Dumbledore and…there's something you need to know…now.   He told me to find you if he wasn't…"

"All right then," Lily said.  "Give me your wand."

He started and said, "What?  Don't be ridiculous.  You know I'm telling the truth."

"Maybe I do.  And maybe I don't, but whether you've changed sides or not, you _were_ a Death Eater, and since the Death Eaters want people like me dead, I'm not letting you into this house with a wand."  Snape still seemed unwilling, so she added, "You won't find the other Order members any better."

"What about your 'husband'?"

"I can handle him," Lily said shortly.  She could guess what Snape would have to say about James, and while some of it might once have been true, it certainly wasn't the case now.

Snape sighed once again, and with an air of resignation handed his wand over, muttering, "No doubt."

Lily chose to ignore this civil reflection and ushered him through to the kitchen as quickly as possible.  The moment he'd sat down she said, "Right.  What's happened?"

Snape eyed her for a moment, and then, in an odd tone of voice, said, "I should probably wait…for your husband to come back – given your…condition."  He seemed pained.

The next fifteen minutes were some of most profoundly awkward of Lily's life.  It seemed impossible to make any kind of conversation, and aside from an offer of tea, which he declined, they sat in silence.  James' return, in releasing her, was a blessing.  He was not more shocked than Lily to see Snape, but he was less keen to believe his story.  It was only when Lily showed him Snape's wand that he accepted it.

They sat, the three of them, each man refusing to look at the other, and with rising impatience, Lily said, "What do you have to tell us?"

Snape's expression grew sour, and he said, "I'm here to report a death."

"What!" James said, his face rather flushed.  "That's impossible.  I saw Frank earlier and he…no one's missing."

"Your information is…incorrect."  Snape said silkily.

"Well then…who is it?"  Lily said, sick of this posturing.

"Dorcas Meadowes."

For a moment, an entire ocean seemed to invade Lily's inner ears, roaring so she could barely think.  Gradually, the waters receded, though she could still hear them, hissing and churning, just beyond.   At last she was able to say, "That's impossible."

Snape shook his head.  "She was captured almost a week ago – the Dark Lord himself dealt with her."  He paused, and looking not quite at them, said, "She was believed to be in possession of valuable information, but…if she was, she did not reveal it."

James' voice seemed strangled as he said, "She was here _last_ night."

"My understanding," Snape said, "Is that Bellatrix Lestrange undertook to throw the Order off the scent, using Polyjuice Potion.  By that point, Meadowes was already dead, but the Dark Lord hoped to gain an advantage by concealing her death."

Lily felt something burn at the back of her eyes.  "Oh…God."  She lifted a hand to her mouth.

Snape continued as though she hadn't spoken. "The body was…dumped, early this morning, in a Muggle morgue in Glasgow.  It was believed the Order would not check there."

He continued to speak, but Lily couldn't hear a single word.  All she could do was rest her head against the table, trying to comprehend the enormity of what had happened.  Dorcas…Dorcas was dead, had been killed, and tortured before she was killed, and Lily...Lily could not make herself understand it.  She could not imagine a world without Dorcas in it.

Snape and James talked for several minutes, but it was all a humming in her ear.  Once he had left, and Lily was never sure when that was, James convinced her to sit on the sofa.  Lily did so willingly enough, but she could barely respond to his questions.  It hurt to hold her head up.

She sat there for several hours, perhaps, her eyes fixed on the wedding photo that had always had pride of place on their mantelpiece.  Dorcas was in it, with a red dress and a glow of health.  She was smiling.

There was a buzzing in her ear, and she looked up to see James looking down at her.   His face…even through her own grief, Lily could see that he was creased up with sorrow.  "Lily," he said urgently, "I've got to go up to Glasgow.  Remus is here – he'll stay with you – and I think Sirius and Peter will be here soon."

Lily half-sobbed, and said, childlike, "Are you bringing her home?"

"Yes."  James nodded.  "I'm bringing her home."

He bent and kissed her on the forehead, one hand stroking her hair gently, and then he was gone.  It was only when Lily felt her son move within her again that she finally gave in to the storm of sobs that had been brewing.

*          *          *

The days that followed were awful in a way that Lily was never truly able to put into words.  She moved as though in a dream, and truly she felt like an automaton.   She ate and drank when told and sat where she was put, and even had conversations that she would never, ever remember.  She was fagged, exhausted almost beyond endurance, and yet whenever she attempted to sleep Dorcas' face would come before her eyes, her friend's voice would ring in her ear, and if she slept at all, she would dream of Dorcas, disappearing down a long dark corridor.

She could not even stir herself enough to help James make the necessary arrangements, and he was left to handle it all, or almost all, himself.  Lily's only contribution was to suggest the dress that Dorcas should wear – the beautiful red dress she'd worn to their wedding and almost never since.

Most days Remus would stay with Lily, or sometimes Elphias, and at night, which was rather the harder of the two, James was there.  Lily had no idea where Sirius was, and could not truly bring herself to care.  Her own misery seemed to engross all her feeling.

They had to wait several days to have the funeral, as Dorcas' half-brother John was in Indonesia and had difficulty securing an international Portkey.   He'd been Dorcas' guardian after the death of her parents, and had been much loved by her, though his expeditions took him halfway round the world.

In his eyes, the same cordial, warm blue eyes that had looked at Lily a thousand times from Dorcas' face, she saw a reflection of her own grief.  There the similarity appeared to end, however – where Dorcas had been small, curvaceous and fair, John was tall, lean and dark.  It was only in his eyes and a little in his smile, that Lily could see any resemblance to her friend.

The day of the funeral was beyond beautiful – the sun blazed from the sky and as they sat by the grave Lily could hear birds singing.  For the first time in months, Lily wanted to throw up.  Dorcas' body lay in front of her, beautifully dressed, her hair styled to perfection – it was a shell.  There was no trace of the girl and woman Lily had known—none of the warmth, the wit and the kindness that had made her the best friend Lily had ever had.  Now there was just a body – a body as cold and clammy to the touch as meat taken from the freezer. 

A small, childish part of Lily wanted to touch her, hug her, beg her to return, but…such desires were illusions.  Nothing could ever bring Dorcas back, no gift, no sacrifice that Lily could make. 

She was gone.

Lily scarcely heard a word that was said during the ceremony; the only thing that roused her, briefly, was Sirius' arrival.  He looked worse, more haggard, than Lily had ever seen him.  It was the first time she'd ever seen him cry.

Afterwards, as they walked John to his Portkey – he was going to visit his own mother, a Muggle living in America – he put his hand in his jacket pocket and said, more to Lily than to James.   "I forgot…before, but…about a month ago, when our Gran…Dorcas gave me this.  She said it wasn't to be sent unless…"

His voice caught in his throat, and he had to pull a hand across his eyes.  After a moment he handed Lily a crisp envelope with Sirius' name on it.  "Could you give it to him please?  I can't…"  Lily nodded numbly.  John looked as though he was clinging onto what was left of his composure with both hands.  Clearing his throat he said, "I know things ended badly between them, but…for a while, he made her very happy.  Could you tell him?"

Lily nodded again, and after a moment, still struggling to control his voice he said, "And Lily…you were like a…like a sister…" 

He had to stop speaking, and suddenly Lily reached out to embrace him.  He was…distraught.  He understood….he felt the same absolute, devastating loss that seemed to have removed Lily's heart from her chest.  There was a space, a void in the centre, an emptiness that hurt more than any physical pain one could imagine.  There was a hole in the world.

After a moment, John pulled away.  He and Lily looked at each other for a moment.  There was nothing more to be said, and he shook hands with James, kissed Lily once on the cheek, and left.   Lily knew they would never see him again.

All the energy in Lily's body seemed to have been siphoned off, as though she had run a marathon without knowing it.  It took her a moment to regain her equilibrium; there were two poles, tempting her either to break down completely and devastatingly, or to give way to that tugging lethargy, that overwhelming desire to lie down, to be still, and finally numb.

James however took her hand and set off at a furious pace.  Struggling to keep up, Lily said, "What's the matter?"

James' face was taut and grim, looking as though it belonged to a much older man.  "Dumbledore sorted out a Portkey for us," he said. "Down that lane.  It was the only way I could think of to get to Sirius."

Lily looked at him pleadingly.  "Do we have to go?"  She was in a state beyond fatigue, every limb, every sense longing for rest.

James bit his lip and Lily saw he looked pained as he said, "I'm sorry, love…I wish I didn't have to…but I don't trust him, not today."

"What do you think he'll do?" Lily asked, some slight curiosity flickering within.   She'd assumed Sirius would simply drink himself into a stupor, his usual response to painful events.

"I don't know," James said.  "Maybe nothing – maybe he'll wind up drunk in a ditch somewhere, or maybe…I have to find him."  Holding a broom handle out to her he added, "I don't want to leave you, but…"

Lily nodded, her throat tight, and placed her hand beside his.  A moment later they were standing in Sirius' flat.  It was empty, and from the deep silence they'd disturbed, Lily judged had been that way for some time. 

James ran a hand through his hair worriedly.  "Right," he said.  "Right."  He seemed to need a moment to decide his next move, and Lily sat down on the sofa to wait.

She didn't expect it to start moving under her, which was what happened.  With a flick of his wand James had changed the size and shape of the sofa, so that it was about the size, or rather larger, of a single bed.  He'd always been good at Transfiguration.

Lily looked up at him, baffled.  James however merely took out a bottle of sleeping potion – a particularly mild one – from his pocked, prompting her to say, " _You're_ giving _me_ potion?"

He seemed uncomfortable.  "Horace Slughorn recommended it."

"Oh."  Lily said.  She hadn't realised her former teacher had been at the funeral.  "But we're going to look for Sirius."

"No," James said, " _I'm_ going."  When she made as if to protest he held up a hand and said, "Lily, you're nearly nine months pregnant, you're in no state to Apparate, and you've barely slept in days.  Please, stay here, take the potion.  Maybe if Sirius comes back you can…"

She nodded, accepting his reasoning.  Silently, James poured her a dose of potion.  She actually managed to bring it to her lips before saying, "Will you…will you stay till I fall asleep?"

James smiled at her and nodded.  He reached out his arms and embraced her, gently.  Lily sniffed into his collar, trying to restrain the tears that could, so easily, have fallen like the rain.  He had a job to do, a friend to save, and until then…

Wiping away a few errant tears, Lily drank down her dose.  It took a minute, or perhaps two, for sleep to find her.  On the very edge, the very brink of unconsciousness, she felt a pair of lips brush her forehead.

*          *          *

Lily only woke gradually, like a diver rising from the depths.  She was never certain just what it was that woke her.  It might have been Sirius opening the door, or his drunken search for Sobriety Potion – or it might have been the pain that she felt before she was fully awake, and which lingered, ghost-like.

By the time Lily had pulled herself up – something of a feat these days – and realised that it was just after one in the morning, Sirius was sober.  She could still smell the alcohol on his clothes, and even on his breath – she didn't want to think how much he must have consumed, if the smell remained after taking the potion.

"So," he said, "what are you doing here?"  His face was closed off, and his voice had a touch of aggression that Lily had never heard him use – at least, not to her.

"James…James wanted me to wait," she stammered.  "He's worried about you… I'm worried about you."   In fact, she wasn't – she felt nothing but this numbness, this sensitive emptiness that swallowed her whole and yet burned with almost as much pain as any grief.  Still, she knew that were she more herself, Sirius' welfare would be of paramount importance.

"He thinks you might do something stupid," she added, when Sirius failed to respond.

He laughed, the sound hurtful.  "And what might that be?"

Lily shook her head.  "It doesn't matter.  You came back."

Sirius grunted.  "Can't exactly go haring off in dress robes," he said.  "Not a lot of room to move if you get in a duel."

"But you're not going to duel," Lily said urgently. "Look, I have something for you."

She handed him the envelope with his name on it, slightly battered now, saying, "John asked me to give you this."

He took it from her slowly, his trepidation obvious.   It was several long, agonised minutes before he opened it, and even then he seemed to have to nerve himself to read it.  Whatever the note said, Lily was sure it wasn't of a cheering nature.  It couldn't have been long, for he read it almost in an instant, before sinking to his knees and resting his forehead against the table.

He thrust Dorcas' note at Lily and after a moment demanded, "Read it to me."

She was a little nervous of his reaction, and her voice trembled as she read Dorcas' words.

_Dear Sirius,_

_This is the fifth of these that I've written, you know, and I'm not even sure I'll send this one.  I'm not sure you'll even need it, or want it, but still…from what Dumbledore tells me, from what I've been hearing, there's a very good chance I'll never be able to say this to you in person, so…I picked up a quill._

_And what I have to say is simple, really, or should be simple.  I love you.  I always have, and I_ always _will.  Sometimes I wish I didn't.  Sometimes it hurts so much that…but I do.   Maybe that doesn't matter to you, maybe you never cared about me at all, I don't know.  I'd like to think that isn't so, but even if it is…you deserve to know what's true.  I love_ you _, Sirius.  In every way that I can think or conceive of.  With everything._

_I'm sorry I left you.  Please, be kind to Lily for me._

_Your_ _Dorcas._

The date was the same as the day of Elizabeth Potter's funeral – before the Death Eater attack, before the baby and Daisy Brown, but Lily didn't doubt that the words were true.

Sirius still hadn't moved, and so Lily added, "John said to tell you – you made her happy."

"Sure," Sirius said harshly.  "Was that before or after I broke her heart, Lily?"

"Please don't," she said, hating to hear her words thrown back at her.  "I shouldn't have said…"

"Even Bellatrix bloody Lestrange knew we were a disaster," he said, his voice bitter.

"Maybe sometimes you were," Lily said.  "But not always – that wasn't all, Sirius.  You know it wasn't – I know it wasn't.  Do you think Dorcas would have hung on if you were some kind of ogre?"

Sirius shook his head.  "A fat lot you'd know about this sort of thing."

"Why?  Because James and I are so perfectly happy, is that it?"  He said nothing, but Lily knew what he was thinking.  "We broke up, Sirius!   We broke up, because my sister was awful to me, and he's an Animagus and I'm not.   And if that isn't stupid then… But we had time.  You and Dorcas just…ran out.  Not enough time."

Sirius stared at her and said, "We could've…I could've…"

"How?"  Lily said, truly crying now.  "Did you ever know what it was between you…what she meant to you?  Because I don't think you did."

Sirius stood up, shaking his hair out of his eyes.  "I didn't…I didn't know how to say it."

Trying to speak kindly, Lily said.  "Well…there's nothing to be done now."

"You're right."  Sirius said, brandishing his wand.

Suddenly he was moving, all trace of sorrow gone, save for the pain that seemed to smoulder viciously in his eyes.  He was all but out the door by the time Lily had stood up.  "Where are you going?"

He looked startled, and said deliberately, as though it should have been obvious, "I'm going to find him.  And I'm going to kill him."

"What!  You're insane."

Sirius continued distractedly.  "Wormtail says he knows…"

"No!  No!" Lily said desperately.  "You can't…please don't."  She paused for a moment to gather her wits.  "You'll die.  I've fought Voldemort myself, I know.  He'll kill you, and Dorcas will be just as dead."  Her voice cracked horribly over the last word, and she had to take a deep breath.

"I have to do _something_!" Sirius said furiously.  "He _murdered_ her.  He took her from us, Lily, and I won't just sit by and…"

"You'll lose."  She said desperately.  "You know that as well as I do.  You'll lose, and it'll _kill_ James.  It'll destroy him."

But Sirius only shook his head and walked out into the corridor.  Lily rushed to the doorway saying, "Sirius, _please_.  I've already lost Dorcas, I've already…please don't do this.   I can't bear it.  _Please_."

For a moment this stopped him in his tracks, and then, slowly, he walked back to her.  She actually thought she'd convinced him, but then he kissed her gently on the cheek and said, "I'm sorry."

The next thing Lily saw was his retreating back and she sobbed, because she'd failed him.  She'd failed James, and she'd failed Dorcas.  If she could have thought of the right words, if she could have moved him in the right way…but he was walking away, walking out to a fight he could _never_ win.  She could not convince him.

Her body seemed to swoon, as if she was overcome with grief, and then suddenly she was sinking to the floor.  "Ow!"  There was pain, concentrated – as though she ought to pop, as though the lower half of her body was on fire.

She bit into her lower lip, trying to will herself through the pain, and eventually it was gone.  When she looked up she saw Sirius' face close to her own.  He studied her for a moment, perhaps to see if she was fully conscious, and then looked down.  His handsome features were incredulous.

"You're joking," he said.

Lily's waters had broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter comes from Emily Dickinson's poem:
> 
>  After great pain a formal feeling comes –  
> The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;  
> The stiff Heart questions – was it He that bore?  
> And yesterday – or centuries before?  
> The feet, mechanical, go round  
> Of ground, or air, or ought,  
> A wooden way  
> Regardless grown,  
> A quartz contentment, like a stone.   
> This is the hour of lead  
> Remembered if outlived,  
> As freezing persons recollect the snow –  
> First chill, then stupor, then the letting go


	18. Before the Dawn

#### 18:Before the Dawn

 

At any other time, the look on Sirius' face would have had Lily laughing uncontrollably.  She'd never seen a more comical expression of dismay in her life, and it was just her bad luck that she had to see it when she was suffering her first contractions.

He shook his head desperately.  "This can't be happening."

"Oh, really," she said through gritted teeth, "Do you think so?"

Sirius stared at her for a moment, running a hand through his hair desperately.  "What should we do?" he said.

Lily gasped as a second contraction hit her.  "St Mungo's?" she managed to say.

"Yeah.  Yeah.  Yeah of course," Sirius said, pacing up and down the floor.  "St Mungo's – we'll go to St Mungo's.  Are you all right?"

Lily did not deign to answer this question, as she was busy attempting to breathe her way through the pain.  Sirius looked at his fireplace as though gauging its size – there wasn't a chance that Lily would fit through it.  "All right," he said, "all right, well…can you Apparate?"

She shook her head.  Even if she hadn't been completely exhausted, the Healers had already warned her that once her labour began, her baby would no longer register as a part of her body…it was just too big of a risk to Apparate.

"Well then…what are we going to do, Lily?  What are we going to do?"

"How about a Portkey?" she managed to say, though she felt it was most unfair of Sirius to expect her to be able to make any kind of decisions at this point.

He looked rather desperately out the window.  "A Black making an unauthorised Portkey?  Crouch would have me locked up for life."

"Well…then…" she said.  "You think of something."

It was, perhaps, an unfortunate choice of words.  A light kindled in Sirius' eyes, and a moment later he had grabbed her wrist and was dragging her up the stairs of his apartment building at a furious pace.  He barely heard her half-voiced protests, and when they reached the roof and Lily saw the object of his quest, she had to repeat his earlier words.

"You're joking."

Sirius shook his head desperately.  "It's the best way; it's the fastest way, Lily."

She shook her head, a sudden terror spreading through her stomach.  "I am not getting on that _thing._ "

"It's not a thing!  It's my bike, and it's perfectly safe, Lily." 

They'd had this argument far too many times to count, and Lily merely shook her head fervently.  Even if she'd trusted Sirius to fly his motorbike in a sane manner – and she absolutely did _not_ – she was still terrified of heights, and the thought of flying across the night sky…

"No," she said again.  "No."

Sirius looked almost frightened as he said, "Lily – it's the only way."

She was beside herself now.  "No.  I won't.  You can't make me!"

Lily was trembling all over – a sticky film of sweat covered her skin – and yet she couldn't think of a single thing to dissuade him.  "Please."

Sirius finally seemed to grasp what was wrong, and he came towards her, slowly, as though he were approaching a wild animal.  Gently, he took her hands in his.  "It'll be all right," he said, "I promise."

"Sirius…please!"

But he shook his head.  "You _have_ to go, Lily."

She sobbed then, knowing he was right, and yet…she was so very, very frightened.  She was in pain, and James was nowhere to be found, and Dorcas was…gone, and now Sirius was asking her to do the one thing that had always terrified her.  She looked at him pleadingly, tears actually standing in her eyes, but he merely guided her over to the bike. 

He pushed her gently onto the seat and said, "It's not far to go, Lily…ten, fifteen minutes at most…"  Sirius was doing his best to be reassuring, to soothe her, but he couldn't really manage it – he was just as scared as she was.

"Okay," he said, once certain she wasn't going to leap off the bike, "I'm going to sit behind you, so I can hold you on, all right?"  Lily nodded, her jaw strained with her attempts not to cry.  He looked at her for a long moment, and then conjured a strip of black cloth with his wand.  Hunkering down so that they were at eye level, he said, "I can blindfold you, if that helps?"

"Really?"  Lily said, her voice full of gratitude at the idea.  The thought of looking down – looking at the thousands of feet between them and solid ground, between them and certain death – it was too much to bear, and so, when Sirius wrapped the black cloth around her eyes, she sighed with relief.

She heard him say the words _Expecto Patronum_ , and then he climbed on behind her, and kicked the engine on.  The minutes that followed were almost unbearable.  Time seemed to stretch so that again and again Lily would think they must be about to land, and yet they would continue.  She could hear Sirius breathing behind her – ragged gasps of breath that seemed almost to hurt him – and at times she focused on it obsessively.  It was almost a distraction.

She'd never been so relieved in her entire life as when she saw James waiting for them on the roof of the hospital.  At any other time she might have been ashamed to be so utterly beyond her own control – but at that moment… 

His hand was on her shoulder – firm and warm – and his voice was sharp as he said, "What's happened?"

Sirius seemed to struggle for words as James looked at him, and finally Lily said, "James – it's time."

James blinked, and his mouth hung open and it was a moment before he said, "Right then.  What do we do?"

Lily resisted the temptation to swear.  She was exhausted and she was sad and she was in the early stages of labour and it just wasn't _fair_ for them to expect her to know what had to be done.  She didn't know any more than they did.

James must have seen the look on her face, for he smiled at her and said, "Just thinking out loud.  Come on, we should go downstairs."

He took her hand, and led her down the stairs, telling her about the places he'd gone in search of Sirius, the moment when he'd received their message…Lily scarcely heard the words, but his voice, calm, steady and comforting, was all she needed to hear.  She could breathe normally again – the panic that had been strangling her every thought was eased, and her heart rate seemed to slow.  James would take care of her.

And so he did. 

The room was the first blessing – Lily didn't know how James did it, but he found her a quiet, cool room.  It was a relief to hear herself breathe, to hear her footsteps as she paced around the bed.

The arrival of the Healer was the second.  St Mungo's was apparently hugely busy that evening (Lily didn't want to think why) but James battled through the Spell Damage ward to find Laura Bell.

Giving birth wasn't, in the end, all that terrible.   There were potions to deal with the pain, and she had James beside her for every moment, but…the pressure never seemed to let up.  Even in the time between contractions, Lily could still _feel_ her body rushing onwards – it never eased.  It was a marathon, and not a sprint, and there were moments when Lily had to draw a deep breath, dig her heels in and cling, with all the strength she had, to the idea that she _would_ reach the finish line.

On any other day, it wouldn't have been even a tenth as difficult as it was, but Lily was just so…tired.  There was a moment when all she wanted was her mother, and it hurt so much to remember that her mother was gone, her father was gone…Dorcas was gone, that…if it hadn't been for James, she might have given up.

Of course, she didn't.  There was something coming, something beautiful that she'd been thinking and dreaming of for months on end and Lily would be damned before she'd give up now. 

It was almost dawn when she finally gave birth to her son.  Lily saw him for just long enough to ascertain that he had all his fingers and toes and then fell into a deep sleep. It might have been unmotherly – it might have seemed cold – but Lily had as much chance of staying awake as she did of holding back the tide.

*          *          *

James was sitting beside her bed, a small bundle with a tuft of dark hair in his arms.  Lily watched him for a moment – the light in his face as he looked at their son – and smiled.  James looked like a father.

She sat up slowly, still feeling somewhat battered.  "Morning," she said.  Her voice seemed to echo slightly in the room.

James looked up, slightly surprised, and kissed her.  "Morning," he said.  "How are you feeling?"

Lily shrugged.  "Like I…was beaten up on the inside.  How is he?"

James looked down at their for a moment, grinned, and said, "He's fine.  He wants to meet his mum."

Smiling at them both, Lily held out her arms, and a moment later he was nestled against her.  He was so tiny – his little fist clenched and his hair sticking up and his eyes still unfocused.  She kissed his forehead, breathing in his scent, and suddenly she was crying.  Lily couldn't help herself – he was so precious, so beautiful, and she felt such…they'd _made_ him.  They'd made this beautiful child, and Lily felt such overpowering _love_ for this tiny being in her arms…

James sat on the bed, and she leaned back against him.  He knew; he understood why she cried, what it meant to her, and for a moment she hid her face in his shoulder.  She felt James' hand smooth her head, and he kissed her again, and then he said, "You are a lovely mum."

She giggled.  "Don't you start calling me Mum now – I won't have it."

James nodded seriously, though his eyes were dancing.  "Anything but, I promise you." 

Lily saw then how tired he looked – his eyes were bloodshot, and his faced was ragged – and she kissed him and said, "I love you."

For a moment, it looked as though James was going to have his moment to cry, but then her stomach growled.  He snorted with laughter, and said, "I'll get you some food.  And…Sirius is waiting downstairs – do you want him to come in?"

Lily nodded slowly.  "With everything…I'd almost forgot.  Is he…?"

James looked at her shrewdly.  "He's not about to go haring off, if that's what you're worried about," he said.

Lily closed her eyes for a moment, relieved, and said, "Did you talk to him?"

"No," James said, "but he won't.  I saw him, earlier, and…he won't."

"I couldn't stop him," Lily said. "Before.  I tried, but…I couldn't.  He was going to…"

James nodded, seemingly unsurprised, "No one can, love.  I'm sorry."  He kissed her forehead and said, "Will you be okay while I'm gone?"

Lily smiled at him. "Of course.  It's not like I'm alone."

He grinned and was gone.  In a way it was slightly terrifying, to be all alone, and responsible for such a vulnerable creature, and yet…Lily just wanted to look at him.  The way his fingers gripped hers, the way his mouth and his tongue moved, the sounds he made, the touch of his skin…she could have watched him for hours. 

She actually started when James and Sirius joined her – she'd completely lost track of the time, and if the breakfast James had been carrying hadn't smelt so good, she would have been most reluctant to relinquish her son.

James passed him over to Sirius without a second thought, and fussed over preparing Lily's breakfast – pouring her coffee and keeping her tray steady.  Lily would have laughed at him and teased him, if she hadn't seen the look on Sirius' face.

He looked petrified, and Lily took pity on him, saying, "Just support his head a little more."

He looked up at her, startled, but did as she asked, still looking at their baby as though he was some strange and dangerous beast.  Lily had to laugh.  "You look so…uncomfortable, Sirius."

"Do I?" he said. "I've never held a baby before." 

Sirius smiled then, his face brightening in a way Lily hadn't seen in far too long.  He was clearly fascinated as he said, "Have you decided what to call him?"

Lily shook her head.  "We talked about it, but…we can't seem to agree on a name."

With a flash of his old self, he said, "Well, you know what _I_ think you should call him…"

"Not a chance, Sirius," she said, unable to quite keep herself from smiling.

He rolled his eyes at her tone, but whatever response he might have made was interrupted by James saying, "Actually, I have an idea, Lily."

"Yeah?"

He looked at her gently and said, "I thought…what was Dorcas' father's name?"

For a moment the room was very still and then two voices said, "Harold." 

Lily looked at Sirius sheepishly as James said, "Well…how about Harold then?"

Lily sighed, touched beyond what was reasonable by this gesture.  Looking at his face, she remembered that James had lost Dorcas, too, had loved her, too, even if it wasn't the same for him.  But she shook her head.  "I think…it shouldn't just be that we lost her.  So…"

"Harry then," James said. "We'll call him Harry."

"Yeah," Lily said, "Harry Potter."  She was crying _again_ , and she dried her eyes on a tissue and leaned back against her husband.  He always knew.

*          *          *

Lily spent that night in St Mungo's with Harry, having sent James off to get some much needed sleep – he was practically dead on his feet – and it wasn't until the next afternoon that they were pronounced ready to leave.  James had come with fresh clothes and a hairbrush, and a huge bag of things for Harry, and he was holding him as Lily tied her hair back with a ribbon.  She'd fed Harry not twenty minutes before – an experience that was going to take some getting used to – and now that they were packed up, they could walk down to the Floo and go home.

Or at least, they would have, if Albus Dumbledore hadn't knocked on their door.  His expression was weary, and he looked at both of them sorrowfully when they sat down. "Naturally," he said, "I wish to offer you both my congratulations on the birth of your son."

"Thank you, sir," James said, looking confused.

Dumbledore sighed, and Lily almost thought she saw…guilt in his face.  He continued, "He seems to be a healthy, beautiful boy, and with two parents as talented and courageous as you both, he will certainly do well."  He paused, seeming to think deeply for a moment.  "And I regret to tell you that…it seems he may have need of the talent and courage you can give him."

Lily licked her lips, feeling truly nervous now.  "Sir, could you…could you explain what you mean?"

Dumbledore looked at her, his eyes kind and so…sorry, that Lily felt truly worried.  "I have bad news for you both," he said.  "A little under six months ago, a prophecy was made in my presence.  At that time I did not know to whom the prophecy might refer, though I had my suspicions.  Now, however…it has become more clear."

James looked at their son, so fragile, for a moment, and said, "What did this prophecy say, exactly?"

"A good question," Dumbledore said, "And one which, fortunately, I am able to answer.  I have struggled with its meaning ever since I first heard it, and I can assure, my memory is accurate."  He cleared his throat.  "The wording was: 'The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.'"

Lily's mouth was dry.  She swallowed and said, "What…what does that mean for Harry?"

Dumbledore looked at her for a moment, and Lily could see how it pained him to have to tell her these things, how his great heart would have taken this ill-fate from them in an instant, if he could.  "The meaning is not yet certain, Lily," he said.  "Harry is one of two boys who might fulfil the terms of the prophecy as stated."

"Two?" she said, relief, almost cruel, surging in her stomach.  It might not be her son.

"Alice Longbottom gave birth to a son two days ago – it is possible that the prophecy refers to him."

"But only possible?"  James said.

Dumbledore nodded, "Until such time as Voldemort acts upon the prophecy, we cannot be certain which boy is meant.  And he may not…he may not choose to pursue it."

"And then what happens?" Lily said.

"Nothing.  Unless Voldemort 'marks' one boy as his equal, the prophecy is meaningless."

They were silent for a moment, and then James said, "But you think he will, don't you?"

Dumbledore nodded.  "He has not taken any direct action yet, but…his murder of Dorcas Meadowes leads me to believe that he is considering such a course."

"Dorcas knew about this?" Lily said, surprised.

"She did not, Lily.  She was protecting Sibyl Trelawney, the Seer who made the prophecy, but she was not aware of the details.  I believed, erroneously, that she would be safer."

"And he killed her."

Lily swallowed tears, as James said, "What do you think we should do?"

"For the moment," Dumbledore said, "do nothing.  Voldemort has not yet decided to move against us.  It is still possible that he may choose to ignore the prophecy, if unlikely, but I have, as you both know, a spy in his inner circle.  We will know if he chooses to attack you."

James reached out and took Lily's hand, before saying, "Are you certain we can trust Snape?"

"I am," Dumbledore said, in such a tone that Lily couldn't doubt him.  "We will speak about this again, in a few days, but for now…go home, enjoy your son.  You are not alone.  You will have the protection of the Order."

"Thank you, sir," Lily said.

"I need hardly add," he said, "that this information should be kept as secret as possible.  Voldemort has not heard the second part of the prophecy, and…current circumstances being what they are, were you to inform too many people…"

"We understand, sir," Lily said.  "If even knowing that there was a prophecy was enough to kill Dorcas… We'll try to keep it to ourselves as much as possible."

Dumbledore nodded and said, "I am very sorry, for you all.  I will speak to you soon."

After he was gone, Lily sank down into her chair, overwhelmed.  They would have to talk to him again, there were details that Lily still didn't understand, but for now…she'd never wanted this life for her son.  She'd spent years fighting the Death Eaters, she'd lost friends to the Death Eaters, for the very reason that she wanted something better for him.  Not this.  Not loss, not a fight to the death, not Voldemort still a sick shadow in her son's life.  _She_ would fight this evil; _she_ would face death in battle – not Harry.  She wanted him to be happy.

James looked at her helplessly.  "What'll we do?"

Lily lifted her chin.  "What Dumbledore says – I suppose.  Love Harry – fight if we have to, and hope for the best." 

James looked at her in wonder.  "I love it when you look like that," he said.  "You get this look in your eye…I can't describe it."  He paused.  "But you're right – we'll protect him."

*          *          *

They weren't called upon to protect Harry immediately, however.  They had several long discussions with Dumbledore, both of them wrote their wills, in the event that anything should happen, and they had Harry christened, so that Sirius' position as designated guardian would be ironclad (though Lily couldn't help but remember Dumbledore's words about Petunia).

They told Sirius about the prophecy – it was something he would have to know, as Harry's guardian – and they waited.  And waited.  Voldemort did nothing.

It was almost disappointing, in a strange kind of way.  For a few days Lily almost _wanted_ him to attack them, because the constant suspense – jumping at every sound outside – was making them all slightly crazy, but in the end she decided to accept their reprieve.

Harry enthralled her beyond anything sensible.  She knew very well that he was not the first baby to have been born in the world – that there was probably nothing special about him – and yet, she couldn't help but be absorbed by him.  Everything about him seemed wonderful (except, naturally, for his nappies and his habit of waking at twenty to four every morning) and there was a simple physical pleasure in touching him and feeding him and playing with him that Lily didn't think she could ever put into words.  She'd never been more content than when she bathed him or held him as he slept, and even if it _was_ ridiculous, she was going to enjoy it.  There was no knowing how long she would be able to.

She had been determined to learn to fly, once and for all, and so she spent one week at the end of August up in the sky with James, while Sirius (as a dog) watched over Harry below.  Remus had dropped in a few times, but Sirius was being oddly standoffish, and James didn't seem to care.  Lily knew she was going to have to talk to both of them about it at some point, but for now she didn't have the energy.  She missed Dorcas so much some days it almost made her sick – it was crawling in her skin, desperation in her stomach.  Dorcas _should_ be there.

The third day up on a broom was a particularly bad one.  She woke that morning and for some reason…Dorcas was on her mind.  She kept thinking of all the things she would have said to her – about Harry, about the prophecy, about Sirius, about how happy she was to have her waist back – and it hurt to have them resting on the tip of her tongue, with no one to tell.

Lily could have told James admittedly, but the thing was, she didn't want to.  She wanted _Dorcas_ , and as wonderful as he was, and as much as she loved him, James couldn't fill her place.

Dorcas had tried to teach her to fly, when they were both about thirteen years old, and though that too had been something of a disaster, they'd both ended up giggling and going into dinner.  This wasn't the same – this was learning to fly so she could escape people who wanted to murder them, and there were no giggles.

James tried to be patient with her, but his great gift for flying did not translate into being a good teacher.  He thought she was doing well, but Lily knew from the sweat on her palms just how frightened she was. 

"Come on," he said, "you're doing well – we'll try a dive."

"No," Lily said, "I don't think…I'm not ready."

"We've been doing it for three days, you'll be fine."

"No, James…I don't want…"

But he had already grasped her broom in one hand and was directing them both downwards.  The ground seemed to be speeding towards them, and Lily actually screamed, and they still weren't stopping and…

When they reached the ground, Lily jumped off her broom furiously.  "What the hell are you doing?" she said.

James stared at her.  "What's wrong?"

Lily was trembling all over – she _hated_ flying.  "Why did you go so fast?  I _told_ you I didn't want to…"  She had to turn away – her stomach had rebelled, and she threw up on the ground.  She staggered, bending her knees in an attempt to keep her balance, as she heard Harry crying. 

Once she was finished, she felt something damp touch the back of her neck, and looked around to see Sirius staring at her with sad dog eyes.  Something about his expression (if a massive dog could be said to have an expression) actually made Lily laugh for a moment.  She wiped her mouth and turned back to James, who was comforting Harry and looking at her worriedly.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I just…I hate flying, I can't seem to get used to it." 

She conjured herself a glass of water as James said, "I don't understand.  It's not like you're bad, Lily – your technique's actually pretty good.  I mean, you're not as good as me, but you're decent, so…"

She bit her lip.  "I'm scared I'm going to fall."

James looked bewildered, and so she added, "You grew up flying – I didn't.  When I'm sixty feet up in the air, I'm scared that I'm going to fall and die, and nothing's going to change that."  She sighed again.  "I don't know why I did this."

James looked as though he very much wanted to say something, but instead he just hugged her with one arm, and said, "Come on, we'll go inside.  The little monster needs feeding."

Lily rolled her eyes.  "Do not call my son a little monster."

"He's my son too, don't I get to call him what I want?"

"No," she said. "Not when what you want to call him is insane."

Silly as it sounded, the banter actually helped, and Lily felt as though she'd regained a little of her equilibrium as they walked towards the house.


	19. A Certain Slant of Light

 

#### 19:A Certain Slant of Light

             

Water trickled out of Lily's hands, catching the light and shining as it touched Harry's skin.  He was staring at the Christmas tree, his eyes wide and fascinated as he looked at the delicate globes and twinkling lights.  He yawned, arching his back and opening his mouth so that his tongue stuck out, and Lily giggled, rubbing his belly gently.

Peter was sitting on the sofa, fiddling with a mince pie rather than eating it, and he smiled at Lily when she laughed.  "Is he always this good?" he asked.

Lily smiled and sighed at the same time, and said, "I'm just happy when he sleeps through the night.  He's…Harry can be…difficult.  He gets stroppy sometimes." 

Testing the warmth of the water with her elbow, Lily muttered an incantation to warm it up.  She had no idea _how_ her mother had managed without magic.  She grinned at Peter. "He likes the Christmas tree," she said. "He'll stare at it for…I don't know – a long time."

Peter shrugged and said, "Well, it's…nice."

"Yeah," Lily said, her attention on washing Harry's hair.  "I'm sorry," she added a moment later. "Sometimes I think my mind has turned into mush lately."

Peter shifted off the sofa to get a better look at Harry, who was now vainly attempting to grab the toes of his left foot.  "You know," he said, "I just don't understand why anyone would want to hurt a baby."

"I know," Lily said. "I don't get it either.  I mean, look at him; he's such a tiny little thing." 

Peter sighed and Lily touched his arm briefly.  "Some people just…they just do terrible things, Peter – monstrous, awful things, and there's no logic, no reason to it.  Anyone who could attack a child is just…they're already beyond any redemption."

Peter looked startled.  "I didn't think you were so…so…"  He swallowed uncomfortably.  "Unforgiving."

Lily shrugged.  "Maybe I didn't used to be," she said. "And I don't want them dead, I don't want them hurt, but I want them to stop.  Look at him, Peter – he's an innocent, he's barely seen the world, and I want him to.  I want him to live, and they want to stop him, and nothing will _ever_ make that forgivable."

Peter nodded slowly, and said, "Maybe you should say that to Remus."

Lily glanced at him, startled, as she rinsed Harry with a sponge, and said, "Why would I need to say that to Remus?"

Peter spoke as though he was choosing his words extremely carefully.  "It's just," he said, "I think sometimes…Remus doesn't know what it's like for the rest of us – for normal people – and I think he forgets sometimes, forgets what it means, for us."

Lily gave a strangled half-laugh and said, "What _are_ you on about?"

"I know you like him, Lily, and he listens to _you_ – he really _cares_ about you – but…just the other day, I heard him say he understood why Greyback's followers are the way they are.  Greyback's the one who made him what he is, and yet, to Remus…he doesn't even think of them as victims any more."

"Peter," Lily said, struggling to think of a response as she lifted Harry out of the bath, "I really don't think…Remus was probably just…hypothesising."

"Yeah," he said, "Maybe.  I'd just hate to think that…he's our friend, Lily."

"Exactly," she said. "That's why you can trust him, Peter."

She laid Harry down on the towel to dry him as Peter said, "It's not me I'm worried about.  If anything happened to…Harry, or you and James, and I could have protected you all, and I didn't – if I saw a danger, and never said anything – I could never forgive myself, Lily."

Lily smiled at him, trying not to show how touched she was.  She still found it hard to forgive Peter for the way he'd treated Dorcas before she died, but at the same time…some things _were_ forgivable.  "I know," she said. "And don't think I'm not grateful."

She smiled at him, and bent over to do up Harry's nappy, a process which he hated and always made as difficult as possible.  Struggling with his wriggling meant she hardly heard Peter say, "Did Dumbledore ever say why He's after you?"

Harry had grabbed a lock of Lily's hair, and she was busy trying to extricate it from his chubby fingers, as she said, "No.  But it's not like terrorising children is something Voldemort is incapable of."

"Oh," Peter said, "so there's _no_ reason, no reason at all?"

Lily finally straightened up, hating that she had to lie to him.  It was too dangerous to let him know about the prophecy…what had happened to Dorcas was proof enough of that.  "Does it really matter, Peter?  Even if there is a reason, we could never understand it – _you_ could never understand it.  You're not a murderer."

Peter looked down at his lap, and for a moment Lily almost thought he might cry.  Wanting to give him his privacy, she started to button up Harry's babygro, and it was a moment before he said, "He's got James' hair."

"I know," Lily said fondly. "Poor mite.  At least he's not a girl.  If he was, most of the teenage years would be spent in tears."

Peter snorted with laughter, and Lily smiled at him as she picked Harry up, kissing his head tenderly.  After a moment she said, "Peter?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever…did you ever see Rita again?"

Peter seemed startled by the question, and it took a few seconds for him to say, "No."

"It's just," Lily said, "it was good to see you happy – it was good to see…someone happy, and I'm sure you miss her."

He shook his head.  "She's better off – I can't be running around with some Muggle girl, Lily, not now.  It's just too dangerous."  He blushed and said, "Besides, after seeing what happened…after seeing Sirius…I can't go through that, and doing what we do… I know someone's going to die eventually, Lily.  I know it."

She stared at him – there was an intensity in his tone that frightened her, because it wasn't directed at anyone.  In her experience, most men reserved that kind of passion for the people, and things, they truly cared about, and yet…with Peter, it was _not_ having them.

Before she could say anything, they were joined by Remus, Sirius, James, Gideon and Fabian, all of whom were in rollicking good humour.  Although Lily was as keen for a little Christmas cheer as any of them, she decided to go put Harry to bed, rather than listen to their discussion of the Kenmare Quidditch match.

As she climbed the stairs she kissed her son, saying, "Pity me, Harry, stuck in a house with all these _boys_.  We'll have to get you a sister…one of these days, several years from now, when I feel…able for another little monster."

Balancing him on her hip, Lily opened the door to his bedroom and turned the blanket of his cot.  Kissing him gently, she covered him up and checked to make sure his sock was at the foot – though that was more for James than anyone else.  She was a fairly certain a five-month-old baby wouldn't really understand the concept of Santa Claus.  Harry stretched his arms out, asking to be picked up again, but Lily could see his eyelids were fluttering.

Having set the charm for the night, Lily was certain to hear him if he started crying, and so she left the room, closing the door softly behind her.  It was an odd house they were staying in – all their friends except for Sirius had had to Portkey in to see them, as Dumbledore was attempting to keep the location as secret as possible. 

Lily was grateful for his protection – but it could be terribly lonely.  She had James, and Harry of course, and Sirius was with them almost every day, and in a way, it was almost like being a strange kind of a family, and yet…there were times when she still _ached_ for Dorcas.

It wasn't as though Lily had never lost anyone before – it wasn't even close.  She'd lost too many people, good people that she'd loved, over the last few years, and yet Dorcas…Dorcas was the one that she couldn't seem to accept.

It didn't help that the months had been…well, stressful didn't even begin to cover it.  They had moved houses every few weeks, and they couldn't help the Order in any meaningful sense, though Lily was brewing a fair number of Potions, and James was helping Dumbledore with tactical planning.

Having their friends over for Christmas Eve had been James' idea – they needed _something_ to brighten their days, and yet, now that they were all here, Lily couldn't quite bring herself to go downstairs and talk and laugh with them.  They were all good men, men she loved, and still she felt lonely, she felt alone, without Dorcas.

She was staring at a photo of the two of them, back when they were still just girls, when she heard a step on the landing outside her room.  Wiping her eyes quickly, Lily turned to see Remus at her door.  He stood there for a moment, silent, and then said, "Are you all right?"

Lily nodded, trying to speak briskly.  "Yeah," she said, "I was just…remembering." 

Remus took the photo from her, and said, "Are you sure?  I know Sirius hates to talk about it, but…I sometimes think that maybe you need to."

Avoiding his question, Lily said, "That was taken on our first trip to Hogsmeade – that's why my mouth is hanging open like that.  I'd never seen anything so…magical."  She laughed at her choice of words, and stood up.  "I should go be a hostess."

Remus caught her wrist, stopping her for a moment.  "Listen, Lily," he said, not able to meet her eyes, "It's hard, I know, but…you have us.  We're not…we're your friends, and we love you."

Lily smiled, sniffing her tears away.  "Thank you, Remus," she said, and kissed him quickly on the cheek.  He seemed to go _still_ , all of a sudden, and he looked at her as though he didn't know what to think.  To break the awkward moment – though she wasn't sure _why_ it was awkward – she said, "I should go enjoy the Christmas cheer, shouldn't I?"

He nodded slowly, as if stunned, and then finally said, "The sooner the better as well – I wouldn't trust the twins not to burn down the Christmas tree."

Lily laughed, perhaps a little louder than necessary, and they rejoined the others quickly.  The idea of being _uncomfortable_ around Remus was…nonsensical, and wrong-headed, and a half dozen other words for idiotic, and yet…there had been something, something she couldn't name, in his look.  It was easy to forget that Remus must be horribly lonely most of the time.  His parents were too old to give him any real support – in fact he supported them – his friendship with Sirius seemed to have fizzled, and even James…James still cared for Remus, perhaps even a great deal, but…he had so many other things to deal with.

The twins had _not_ set fire to the Christmas tree, though they had given Peter a pair of rabbit ears for some reason known only to themselves.  Gideon grinned at Lily, and said, "So, how goes it with my dear mistress of charms of fiendish difficulty, and where was she hiding?"

"Actually, I'm just going by Lily now."

He shook his head mournfully.  "And I was about to bow down and offer tribute to your immortal genius, but now…it is not to be."

Fabian rolled his eyes and said, "You ought to remember how hard it is to put the little man to bed – remember the fun you had with _Ron_."

Gideon shuddered.  "Let's not talk about it," he said, "It wasn't pleasant for anyone involved."

"What did you do," Sirius said, "break him?  Seems they break very easily – at least, that's what Lily keeps saying."

Fabian shook his head.  "He didn't break him, no but…there was a cracked bottle of milk, and it spilled on his covers and there was swearing and I have a feeling there was a duck involved somewhere, but…I think Gideon's too traumatised to remember all the details."

Gideon rolled his eyes.  "That might have something to do with Molly chasing me out of the house and along the clothes line – she's right scary when she's got her mother bear face on."

"Well," Lily said, "Let that be a lesson to you."

Gideon sighed.  "And she's having another one."

"Another one!" Lily said.  "That'll be what…six."

"Seven, actually."  Fabian said.  "But she's _convinced_ this one will be a girl."

Lily looked at James sharply. "Just so we're clear," she said, "I am _not_ going through that six more times, so don't even _think_ about it."

He snorted.  "Like I want to have to deal with you puking every time you smell bacon for the next ten years.  Don't worry."  He smiled at her though, and he had his arm around her, and Lily felt wonderfully comfortable.

After a few more minutes, Fabian said, "We're really sorry but…we have to go.  We might have mentioned something to Molly about being there before the boys go to bed – help them get ready for Santa Claus or something."

"That's fine," Lily said.  "I'm just glad to see you.  You'll say hello to Gaspard for me, won't you?"

He nodded, and Gideon said, "But before that…we come bearing gifts, and since we are selfish beings, we will see them opened before we go."

Before Lily could even protest that it wasn't necessary, they had handed James a bottle of Firewhisky, put a toy-shaped package under the tree for Harry (Fabian took care to assure her that it was perfectly safe – their nephews had loved it) and given her a small picture frame.  The picture was of her and Dorcas, on the train to Hogwarts for the very first time.

Shocked, Lily said, "Where did you…how did you find this?"

"The _Prophet_ used to do a story every year, back when times were boring, about the new class starting at Hogwarts – and our brother-in-law saved it because…he has, well, a bit of an obsession with Muggles, and there was an article in it about…planes, I think.  Anyway, he showed it to us the other day, and when we explained, he gave it to us for you."

"Oh," Lily said, fighting back tears.  "Oh.  Thank you. It's…it's…"

Fabian shook his head – he didn't have to be told what it meant to her – and she settled for hugging them both.  It was all she could do to maintain her composure, and she was more than relieved when Remus and Peter decided to leave at the same time.

James and Sirius went to see them off, and when they came back into the room, Lily was still staring at the photo.  She noticed they were looking at her oddly, and she tried to stay calm as she said, "You know, I was just thinking…Harry is going to have the best…uncles, and…"  Her voice cracked as she struggled to finish her sentence.  "And not a single aunt.  Not even one."

A moment later she'd burst into tears.  She just managed to say, "I just…I miss her.  I miss her so much!" before the sobs overpowered her.  She could only just feel James' hands holding her and lifting her so that she could lean on him.

She felt like she was seven years old – as though she'd fallen and cut her knees, and couldn't find her mother.  She could feel James' hands on her arms, his lips kissing her forehead and the warmth of his body beside her own, and yet she could not stop, could not respond to him.  Her weeping seemed to come from somewhere deep inside herself, her gut heaved with each and every sob and it felt as though a hole had been cut into her skin.  It was beyond any conscious thought, and by the time she had stopped, Lily didn't even know what time it was any more.

She started when James silently handed her a glass of water, but surprised herself by drinking it down greedily.  When she finally met his eyes, feeling not shamed exactly, but dreading the conversation to come, he merely kissed her forehead.  "You're all right, love," he said, and wiped her face gently with a wet cloth.  It stung a little, but Lily's skin felt softer, and cooler, after he was finished.

James sat back on the sofa, looked at her keenly, and said, "How long do you think you've been sitting on that?"

Lily glanced at him.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Lily, that it's just a bit odd that…you used to see Dorcas every day, you used to talk to her every day, and now…you barely even mention her name."

"What's the point, James?  She _isn't_ coming back, and, all talking about it does is remind me how much I…"  Lily broke off and stared at the floor for a moment, and then said in a small voice.  "I keep thinking…I keep thinking that it was all a trick, that she will come back, and it's _stupid_ and I have other things to worry about, and it's Christmas Eve!"

James looked at her sadly, took of his glasses and ran a hand through his hair.  "Come here," he said. 

He opened his arms, and Lily actually sat on his knee, cuddling into him as though he were a warm blanket.  He rested his chin on her shoulder and said, "Listen to me.  I know you miss her – you think I don't see that look in your eyes every single day.  I _know_ how much you miss her.  And that's fine.  You don't have to protect me, Lily."  He tucked her hair behind her left ear, and kissed her.

They were silent for several minutes – looking at their Christmas tree, looking at the firelight – and then James said, "What did you mean, before – when you said Harry wouldn't have aunts?"

Lily blushed and fiddled with one of his shirt buttons as she said, "I was just thinking…all my friends are…dead, or gone, and Petunia's…"

"A rotten cow."

"Well, I was going to say…useless, but…close enough I suppose.  It's just, he'll have Sirius and Remus and Peter and all the others, but he'll never know Dorcas.  He'll never even…she'll just be some person from before he was born.  She won't mean anything to him."

And that was what hurt the most.  Not that Lily couldn't live without Dorcas – that she _could_.  That by the time Lily's son had grown, Dorcas would just be a memory – a loved, special memory, but nothing more.  She wouldn't be a part of Lily's life any more.

James sighed, and smoothed a hand over her forehead.  "Sometimes I wish for impossible things," he said. 

Lily managed to smile at him – a thin, unconvincing smile, but a smile nonetheless.  "Where did Sirius go?"

James gestured awkwardly towards the door, having difficulty manoeuvring his arms.  "Out."

Lily laughed slightly.  "Did I scare him?"

"Oh…only a lot." James said, grinning at her, and making her laugh again in spite of herself.

"I do love you," she said.

"You need your eyes checked."

Lily was about to kiss him properly, kiss him so that he'd get the sudden urge to go to bed, when they were interrupted by a knock on the door.  A moment later, Sirius joined them, looking slightly sheepish and carrying a bowl of chocolate ice cream.  He thrust it towards Lily, not unkindly, and said, "I remember this…cheered you up, before."

Lily laughed, and thanked him, though she was surprised that he'd remember such a small detail.  He merely grunted and said, "Eat it before it melts."

Obligingly, Lily dug her spoon in and ate.  She was halfway through swallowing a mouthful when James, looking at the picture the twins had given her, said, "This is the first time on the train?"

Lily nodded.  "I was terrified," she said. "I remember my Mum was _furious_ she couldn't come in with me, and then…the person who was supposed to meet me didn't turn up and some woman with a vulture on her head told me how to get through the barrier, and then Lucius Malfoy and…it was a horrible experience, right up until I sat in that compartment."

"I remember," James said, looking at her intently.

"You would," Sirius said.  "You were practically gone for her from the very first day – it was bloody annoying."

Lily grinned and said, "We all had to suffer through it Sirius.  But…I really should have known – it's always the boy who pulls your hair that fancies you."

"Yeah," James said, putting his feet up on the coffee table and ignoring Lily's disapproving look.  "Dorcas said something about that once – your first boyfriend cut your hair off?"

Lily sighed.  "It wasn't like that," she said. "It was when we were eight – in primary school.  I didn't start going out with him until I was fourteen, and it didn't last long."

" _Oh_ ," James said, waggling his eyes at Sirius, "I never heard about this."

"For very good reason," Lily said.  "If you'd known you'd never have let me live it down.  Anyway, it was only for the summer – it's a bit hard to keep things going when you're in boarding school."

James shrugged, and Sirius stared at her for a moment before asking, "Did Dorcas ever have one?"

"One what?"

"You know – like that…a summer thing."

Lily smiled.  "Kind of, yeah – only hers was much more glamorous than mine.  Remember the year she went to Paris with her brother?"  Sirius nodded.  "Well, there was a boy, called…"  She struggled to remember his name.  "…Laurent.  She said he was…well it was fun, and then she got a letter from him when she got back to Hogwarts.  It was addressed to Sandrine."

James hissed.  "Ouch."

Lily nodded.  "It didn't exactly do her confidence the world of good…but then, it's against nature to be confident when you're seventeen."

Sirius shrugged.  "I never had any trouble."

Lily didn't actually believe him, but she settled for saying, "Well, you weren't a teenage girl – and you weren't at the mercies of the affections of teenage boys…well, I don't think you were.  Unless…were some of the rumours true?"

He glared at her, and said, "What was the matter with 'teenage boys'?  Did Shacklebolt give her the run around?"

"Oh Sirius," Lily sighed.  "Dorcas never fancied Shacklebolt."

"Yeah she did," James said.  "I used to hear you two talking about it in Charms – what he'd said, what he'd done, how you thought he was an arrogant git who needed to have his head popped."

Lily blushed.  "I don't think those were my exact words."

"Yeah, they were, Lily.  I paid quite a bit of attention back in the day."

"Unlike now, when you're an unmannerly boor, saddling me with a child!  How did it all go wrong, James?"  He made as if to throw a cushion at her, but Lily could tell he was joking, and continued.  "Anyway, I'm telling you, Dorcas never fancied Shacklebolt."

Sirius looked confused, and said, "How can you be so sure?  She definitely talked about him."

"God, Sirius, I'm sure because I'm sure.  There was a reason Dorcas talked about Shacklebolt and it had to do with…"  Lily's voice trailed off.

James leaned forward in his chair.  "Come on," he said, "I want to know what you two got up to."

"James, she'd kill me if I…"  Lily stopped, and had to cover her eyes for a moment, and swallow tears.  Firming her mouth she said, "I suppose, it doesn't really matter any more, and it _is_ funny."  It was hard to speak around the lump in her throat, but she continued regardless.  "You see," she said, "Dorcas did fancy someone, but…he was in our class, and we couldn't call him by his name, because then he might hear, and then he'd know, and then…that would be awful.  So we came up with a…code."

"Which was what?"  Sirius said impatiently.

"Okay, I'll tell you," Lily said. "But you're going to think it's stupid.  You see, Shacklebolt was - is, I mean - black, and…well, you're…Black, too."  She was blushing so much, it was almost as if _she_ was admitting to having fancied Sirius, and the bark of laughter he gave didn't help much.

"You mean to say that all those times you two would chat about Shacklebolt you actually meant…" James asked.

"Well, yeah.  It was kind of fun actually – I remember we thought about doing one for all the boys, but then…we could never remember any of them."

"I'm kind of glad actually," James said.  "I'm already having to rethink any number of conversations."

"That you shouldn't have been listening to anyway," Lily said sternly.

"So that was from…fifth year," Sirius said, sounding…a million things – shocked, touched, a little horrified.

"I know," Lily said. "I thought it was proof of her bad taste at first, I mean…after Lockhart."

"Lockhart!" the two men chorused.  Lily wanted to bite her tongue.

"She fancied Lockhart?"  Sirius said.  "I feel shamed."

"It wasn't like that…well it was.  That was…our fourth year, and she thought he was…handsome, which…well, he was.  It wasn't until…Sirius, did Dorcas ever tell you about her first kiss?"

He shook his head, staring at Lily as though transfixed.  "Well," she continued, "it was after that first match she played as Chaser – remember she was a sub.  She was so excited about it, I remember, practically lifting off the ground, and then…after the match, Lockhart came down and attempted to 'sweep her off her feet.'"

James eyed her.  "I'm guessing that didn't go well?"

Lily tried to control her laughter as she said, "Dorcas said…she said it was like…having a fish, a live fish, stuck in your mouth."

"That's _disgusting_ , Lily.  I didn't want to know that," James said.

"Well, Dorcas had a knack for coining euphemisms."

They were silent for a moment, and then Sirius snapped his fingers and said, "Forceful!  Ha!"  He sat back in his chair with a horribly smug look on his face and said, "I just figured out what that meant."

Lily rolled her eyes, "Yeah, that was Dorcas, too – though it was my fault.  Well actually," she said, looking at her husband, "it was James' fault."

"I don't want to know about that," Sirius said hurriedly.

Lily stared off into space.  "It was…we told each other everything.  She was the only one who knew, really knew, what Petunia was like.  I was so…ashamed that my own sister hated me…"

"I remember," James said softly, taking one of her hands.

"But Dorcas was like…"  Lily blinked back tears.  "She was wonderful.  She was the one who showed me the wizarding world, really – back when I was all wide-eyed and didn't know anything – she made me feel like I really fit in."

James brushed a kiss against her knuckles, and Lily gave him a watery smile.  "Come on," he said, "we should go to bed.  Otherwise…Santa might not come."

"Honestly," Lily said, "I swear you are more childish than that baby sometimes!"

"Yes, but I don't wake you up in the middle of the night demanding attention."

"Oh," she said with a raised eyebrow.  "You don't?"

Sirius covered his face with his hands.  "Could you two…please _not_ talk about this while I'm in the room?"

Lily grinned and opened the door.  "Fine then," she said, gesturing towards the stairs.  "We won't.  Goodnight, Sirius."

He smiled at her, and suddenly Lily knew just who would open James' bottle of Firewhisky that night, but he only said, "Merry Christmas."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from a poem by Emily Dickinson:
> 
> There's a certain slant of light,  
> On winter afternoons,  
> That oppresses, like the weight  
> Of cathedral tunes.  
> Heavenly hurt it gives us;  
> We can find no scar,  
> But internal difference  
> Where the meanings are.  
> None may teach it anything,  
> 'T is the seal, despair,—  
> An imperial affliction  
> Sent us of the air.  
> When it comes, the landscape listens,  
> Shadows hold their breath;  
> When it goes, 't is like the distance  
> On the look of death.


	20. The Good Fight

#### 20:The Good Fight  
  
            

Lily sighed, and massaged a kink in her neck with one hand, holding Harry on her hip with the other.  Sighing, she said, "Yes, Alastor, I _know_ it's urgent, but there are only so many shortcuts I can use if you want the potion to work – and you _do_ want the potion to work, I imagine.  Polyjuice gone wrong can have some very nasty effects.  Surely you can get it somewhere else – you're an Auror!"

Moody shook his head.  "It's not so simple as that, girl – Crouch doesn't know I'm helping Dumbledore behind the scenes, and there's a reason for that.  I can't go waltzing off with Ministry property."

Lily shrugged.  "Well, I'm sorry," she said, "But I can't and won't give you a potion that isn't one hundred percent effective; you know as well as I do that it's just too risky."

Moody made a noise that resembled a growl, and pulled his head out of the fire.  Lily rolled her eyes at this behaviour, and tickled Harry under the chin.  "Don't be like that when you grow up," she said.

Harry grinned at her, one finger stuck in his mouth.  "Bad," he said.

"Yes," Lily said.  "Bad."

She kissed his head fondly, and left the sitting room, to put him down for his nap.  He got very crabby if he didn't sleep during the day, and that was the last thing she needed.  After putting him down Lily stood by the window for a moment, looking out at the landscape, if such a word could really be used – seeing the area around East Anglia had given her a new understanding of the word flat.

Harry's breathing was slightly laboured, as he had a stuffed nose, and Lily shivered as she heard it.  Things did not look good.   A Dark Mark had been spotted over Gideon's and Fabian's house,house and James had gone with Sirius, Peter and Frank Longbottom to check it out.    He and Frank really shouldn't have gone, given the Prophecy, but the Order was stretched thin.

Sighing, Lily covered Harry up with a light blanket, and went downstairs to the living room; she could pace and worry there without bothering him.  She knew, knew in her heart somehow, that Gideon and Fabian were dead.  There was a terrible sense of foreboding sitting on her shoulder – she knew something still more awful was coming, she didn't know what it was, but it was coming.

Thankfully, she wasn't able to brood on this long, as Peter arrived by the Floo.  He didn't even have to say anything – Lily could tell from the look on his face that her friends were dead.  She sighed, remembering their sister, and said, "Is James behind you?"

Peter nodded, his eyes never leaving her face.  "Right then," Lily said, "I'm going to go…tell their family.  Tell him I'll be back soon – Harry's asleep upstairs."

"I'll tell him," Peter said solemnly.  The last thing Lily saw before Apparating was his face, so calm and strangely still.

When she appeared at the bottom of the lane that Gideon and Fabian's sister lived on, she had a surprise waiting for her.  Remus was standing there, looking fully as uncomfortable as she felt.  Apparently he knew Arthur Weasley, or his father had, and having heard the details of the twins' final fight, had determined to tell him what had happened. 

Only now, he told Lily, he couldn't face it, so he lingered at the bottom of the lane.  Her arrival made him feel more able to deal with what was to come, and he told her what, exactly, had happened to the twins as they had walked up the lane.

Lily had hoped that when she saw The Burrow, saw the place where Gideon and Fabian had spent so much of their time, somehow the words would come to her, but they did not.  She had never met Molly Weasley, but everything the twins had ever said about her had suggested that, while she was a formidable woman, she loved her brothers as much as any sister could.  Lily didn't know how she was going to break the news to her, what she would say…

Remus caught her eye, and she smiled at him, and sighed as they began to walk up towards the house.  She was saved from having to say anything insightful by the presence of two small boys flying broomsticks in the front garden.  One of them, a handsome child of about ten, landed in front of them and said, "Who are you?"

He was watching them carefully, his eyes never leaving their wand arms, and he didn't relax when Remus said, "We're friends of your uncles'."

"How do I know that?" The child said, setting his jaw obstinately.  "Mum said we shouldn't let strangers into the house…"

Lily smiled at him, trying to look as unthreatening as possible.  "Well," she said, "we know you've got a little sister inside – she's about a week old, maybe a week and a half?  Fabian told us all about her."

The child eyed her for a moment, and finally said, "All right then.  I'm Bill.  Why are you here, anyway?"

Keeping her voice gentle, Lily said, "We have some news for your mother."

Remus interrupted her, "Is your father home, Bill?"

Bill shook his head, as though the answer should have been obvious.  "He's at work."

"Right," Remus said.  "Look, could you get on the Floo, and get your father to come home, while we talk to your mother.  Tell him it's urgent."

Bill looked suspicious, and said, "What's happened?  What's 'urgent'?"

Lily put her hand on his shoulder.  "We really need to tell your mother first," she said, "But when you're done…you have a lot of brothers don't you?"

"And a sister."

"Yes, and a sister – well could you bring them all into the sitting room, or somewhere, and get them to wait?  It'll be good if your Mum doesn't have to worry about them."

Lily could see understanding beginning to dawn in his eyes, and a moment later he shouted up at the other boy.  "Oi!  Charlie – get down."

His younger brother joined them, and all four walked up to the house, Bill bringing them round to the back door, as he said that his mother was definitely in the kitchen.  Lily took a deep breath as he opened the door, and a moment later they were inside.

Molly Weasley was a slightly plump woman – Lily could certainly sympathise with having a pregnancy belly – with flaming red hair and a kind face.  Lily could tell, just by looking at her, that she loved to bake cakes and kiss her children goodnight and tickle her baby's toes and…  She knew just why Gideon and Fabian had loved her so much, and it made what she had to say that much harder.  Molly Weasley had only just finished feeding her daughter, and Lily spared a moment to be thankful she'd had a moment of such peace, before introducing herself. 

Before she'd even finished her first sentence, Molly Weasley had handed her daughter over to Bill and picked up her wand.  "Take Ginny inside, Bill.  _Now_."  He started to protest, but his mother was having none of it, and Bill looked at Lily regretfully as he left.

Holding her wand in a threatening manner, Molly Weasley said, "I want to know who you are, and what you're doing here, and I want to know _now_."

Lily put her wand on the table and lifted her hands in the air.  "We're not…we're not _his_ – we work for Dumbledore."

"And I'm supposed to…just let you in here, am I?" 

Remus put his wand beside Lily's and said, "You have our wands.  We're not here to hurt you, or your family."

Molly bit her lip, looking uncertain, and then snatched their wands up in one hand.  "All right," she said, "Why are you here then?"

Lily looked at Remus, and a moment later he said, "You should sit down."

All the blood drained from Molly's face, and she dropped into one of the kitchen chairs, saying, "What happened?"

Pulling up a seat beside her, Lily said, "Did you know your brothers were working for Dumbledore?"

Molly looked at her sharply and said, "Yes, they said…they said they were… What's happened?"

Lily swallowed hard and said, "We were told, about two hours ago, that there was a…a Dark Mark over their house.  We…our people, they went there immediately but…by the time they got there, it was too late."

Molly's eyes were very wide and frightened now.  "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…Gideon and Fabian were murdered, by the Death Eaters."

"No."  For the first time, Molly Weasley sounded like a little girl, not a mother of seven, and somehow Lily hated herself for creating that voice.

"They…as far as we could tell, they fought…they were fighting five Death Eaters at once, and…there was no way for them to contact anyone in time, but…they fought like heroes."

Molly Weasley started to cry, and Lily looked at Remus hopelessly.  It did no good, that was the worst of it, it did no good at all to say that Gideon and Fabian had been brave or had fought for what was right, it did no good at all, because they were dead.  Why on earth should Molly Weasley _care_ that the Order was defending important, vital ideals when her little brothers had been murdered.

They could do nothing to help her – just sit with Molly in her warm kitchen, and not leave her alone with the terrible knowledge that, after all, her brothers would never come back.  Could never come back.  It seemed like hours before Arthur Weasley Apparated just outside the door, and when Lily looked at her watch she was startled to see that it actually had been nearly a full hour.  Remus nodded at her, and went to tell him what had happened while Lily patted Molly on the back half-heartedly.  She wanted to be back home, with James, and with Harry, and she wanted to lie down in the grass somewhere and watch them play together, and more than anything, she never wanted to lose a friend again.

It was a relief when Arthur came to sit beside his wife, and Lily relinquished her place gratefully.  As they started to speak to one another in whispers, she went into the next room just in case she was needed.

She'd never seen so much red hair in her life.  Six boys, from age ten to a little older than Harry, and the older ones desperately trying to keep order; they didn't understand what had happened.  Bill was holding the baby in his arms, and hissing instructions at Charlie, who was trying to keep the next youngest amused with a teddy bear.  Meanwhile baby Ginny was getting increasingly crabby, as Lily could tell from experience, and two boys of about three or four (twins, Lily thought) were knocking over every item in reach, while their older brother followed them, patiently repairing all the damage they did.

Smiling at Bill, Lily gestured towards the baby and said, "Do you want me to take her?  I'm a mum myself, so…"

He relinquished his sister with a look of gratitude, and went to help his younger brother deal with the twins.  Moving carefully, Lily went out into the hall, where she could walk up and down with the baby without bothering anyone. 

She couldn't have been more than ten days old – her eyes were still having trouble focusing, and she had only a few wisps of hair on her head, but they were as red as her mother's.  Lily held her close walked her up and down, hoping that the rhythmic movement would soothe her somewhat.  Ginny, though, would have none of it, and eventually Lily sat on the stairs and curled her little finger under and stuck it into Ginny's mouth.

That seemed to work, and after a few minutes suckling, Ginny fell asleep.  Lily sighed with relief – she had been much easier to calm than Harry had been, back when he was really tiny – and shifted her to a more comfortable position.  Remus found her there not long after.

He looked tired when he sat beside her, and Lily was unsurprised to hear him say, "I think we should go fairly soon."

Lily nodded.  "How is she?"

Remus shrugged.  "Not good."

Lily shrugged.  "Well, there's…that's what you'd expect."

He nodded, looking lost, and said, "How's this one doing?"

"Oh, she's all right," Lily said.  "I forgot how tiny they are."  Trying to distract herself, she added, "She won't have it easy either."

Remus looked surprised.  "What?"

"Well, six older brothers…and being a redhead – it's a heavy load to bear."

Remus snorted with laughter and said, "She'll sort it out somehow – you managed."

"Yeah, but…well, I suppose Petunia is just as bad as any older brother.  Times three."

Remus smiled again, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, half-hugging her for a moment.  Lily sighed and said, "Thanks Remus."

He looked baffled, and she added, "For coming with me – I know…I had to do this, but…I'm just glad I wasn't alone."

Remus blushed and said, "It's nothing."

Lily shook her head.  "It's not nothing.  I was…I dreaded coming here, and I knew…I knew I had to do it, but…I suppose I'm just glad to have you around."

Remus smiled.  "Well…it's good to be here."

There was a long pause between them, and Lily saw an expression she could only define as… _hungry_ pass over his face, and finally he said, "When did you first know you were in love with James?"

Lily started, thinking it was rather an odd question, but answered him anyway.  "When…you remember when his father died?"  Remus nodded.  "I remember he came back, afterwards, and…he just looked awful.  He was so _sad_ , and he was doing such stupid things, but…he wouldn't talk to me about it, not like…not like Dorcas had, not like I was used to, and…I was terrified.  I was sure he was going to do something stupid, and then of course when we were in Hogsmeade – that time with the giant – he did, and…I knew then.  But I was so…I was scared he didn't feel the same way – "–"

"You're joking!"  Remus said.

"Not even a little," Lily said.  "I was…I couldn't stand to be…I wanted him to think I was amazing, and strong, and nothing ever went wrong because – I had this idea that I needed to be perfect or something, so…when he found out about Petunia… Anyway, days like this just remind me how lucky I am that we sorted it out."

"Yeah," Remus said, a little sadly.  "I'm glad."

He didn't look it, but before Lily could pursue the question they were interrupted.  Arthur Weasley joined them, looking exhausted.  He nodded at Lily and shook hands with Remus, saying, "Thank you for coming.  Molly's going to go to bed in a moment…"

"We're very sorry," Lily said.

He nodded, smoothing the thinning hair on top of his head distractedly.  "Gideon and Fabian were brave men," he said. "They knew…I was very fond of them."

Remus nodded, and after a moment Lily stood, grateful for his hand at her back, helping her keep her balance.  Trying to smile at Arthur Weasley she gave him his daughter.    He sighed looking at her face and said, "We're very grateful for…that you came to us so soon."

Lily nodded.  "It was the least we could do.  And we…really are very sorry."

There was little else to be said, and within seconds Remus and Lily were walking back down the drive.  The house was quiet as they left, the only noise the buzzing of bees in the garden, and Lily couldn't but hate the silence.  Trying to smile at Remus, she said, "Do you want to come back with me?  After...what's happened, I think it would be good if we all –"

"No."  Remus said sharply.  "I don't think I should."

"Oh.  Well," Lily said, feeling awkward, "if you're sure.  You know you're welcome."

Remus shrugged, and Lily hurried on, "I should get back anyway."  She paused, and then kissed him quickly on the cheek.  "Take care, all right."

"Yeah," Remus said.  For a moment Lily thought he was going to say something, but he seemed to cut himself off and then added, "You should really go."

"Okay," Lily said, slightly baffled at his apparent coldness, especially in his tone.

He said nothing, and so, she flicked her wand and Apparated home.  It was good to get back, even after such an awful day, and she hurried into the house as quickly as possible.

Sirius and James were in the sitting room, James playing with Harry while they talked, and Lily smiled to see all three of them looking so happy.  Happy, that was, until Harry caught sight of her.  He screwed up his face instantly, starting to yell, and stretched out his arms, asking to be picked up.

James looked outraged, and said, "The little liar. He was fine until Mum came barging in."

"Well," Lily said, taking Harry onto her knee and kissing his head, "that's because Mum's more fun than Dad."

"Sure," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

Lily glared at him and he lifted his hands defensively.  "I'm just saying."

She rubbed her eyes and said, "I don't care; I'm too tired for this."

James looked concerned.  "How did they take it?"

She shrugged.  "I don't know.  As well as you can, I suppose."   She sighed and said, "I can't believe they're dead."  Since Harry showed signs of being bored, she put him down on the floor, and laid her head on James' chest – as he wrapped his arms around her, Lily watched Harry crawling over to Sirius, who managed, for once, to look as if he wasn't terrified.

Lily sighed again, and smiled up at James.  "At least Remus was there," she said.

James sat up sharply, and Lily had to struggle to keep from falling off the sofa.  "What's the matter with you?" she said.

James had caught Sirius' eye, and turned back to her a moment later, saying, "Remus was at the house?"

"Yeah," Lily said.  "He helped me…tell Molly Weasley.  What?"

Sirius looked worried and said, "How did he know you were going to be there?"

"He didn't – at least, I don't think he did – he said he knew, or his father knew, Arthur Weasley, so…he went.  Now, just explain to me, why is this important?"

James took her hand, and said, "Well, the thing is…we've been talking about it, the three of us…"

"The three of you?"

"Me, Sirius and Peter, and we thought…you remember what Dorcas said."

"She said a lot of things."

"Well," James said patiently, "one of them was…that there could be a spy, in the Order."

"That was just Dorcas taking a…a wild guess."

"No it wasn't, Lily – you _know_ that.  Just think about what's happened since Christmas even, or before – the Order's been decimated, half of them people…people who weren't associated with Dumbledore in any way."

"So?"  Lily said, though she knew what was coming.

"So…we think Remus is the spy."

"But…why?  Where would you get that idea?"

"Think about it, Lily," Sirius said, his voice harsh. "All those weird absences…him being so distant with everyone…and the things he's been saying."

"I don't believe he said any of those things," Lily said desperately. "I think Peter misunderstood, or something.  What on earth would Remus gain from any of that – he's a half-blood, and a werewolf, and…there's just no way he could ever think…"

"I don't know, Lily," James said. "Voldemort made noises…about freedom for his friends, and 'an end to discrimination against werewolves' and all kinds of things – if Remus wants that, well…I can't exactly blame him."

"But, you saw what he looked like the day he found out about Greyback, James, he was devastated…"  She paused, trying to marshal her thoughts in a way that would at least be coherent.  "What would he really gain from it?"

Sirius looked angry.  "We _know_ what he'd get, Lily – it's bloody obvious what he wants."

"Well, what is it then?" she said angrily.

"You!  He wants you."

Lily sat back in her chair, nearly speechless with shock.  It took her several seconds to say, "Nonsense."

"No it isn't, Lily – it's been staring you in the face for years, even you're too…blind to see it."

"I am not blind," Lily said, "I'm telling you, Remus is not…in love with me, and he never has been.  I would know, Sirius, I'd see it."

"Because you have such an amazing ability to tell how men feel about you, is that it?" 

His tone was mocking, and Lily stared at him.  "What are you talking about?"

"Well, how long did it take you to figure out about James – and that was only ten years in the making."

"That's not the same," Lily said slowly.

"Why?  Why isn't it the same, Lily," Sirius said, sounding increasingly unstable, "I mean, Dorcas was the same wasn't she?"

"No, it wasn't," she said, trying not to lose her temper.  "I was seventeen, Sirius, and my parents had died, and I'd never had…it was the first time anyone…But I would know – I'm not that young any more.  And I'm telling you, Remus isn't in love with me."

"That isn't exactly so," James said slowly, refusing to meet her eyes.  "I don't know… I'm the last person Remus would talk to, but when we were in school it was obvious enough.  Who's to say that since then…it's not like you've been treating him badly, Lily."

"You can't be serious." Lily said.  "He's your friend – he gave me away."

James looked at her then.  "Of course I'm serious.  I mean, Lily, maybe you're right and I'm wrong – God knows I hope you are – but we can't risk it.  Why do you think we've had to leave our homes in the dead of night three times this summer?  How many people even know where we are, on any given day?  _Someone_ is passing that information along, and we don't know, and we have to stay safe, Lily.  We can't risk that Remus is the traitor, not now."

Slowly she nodded, for he was right.  Even though she believed, with all her heart, that Remus was not the spy…it was just too dangerous.  "All right then," she said. "What do we do?"

Sirius looked relieved and said, "We talk to Dumbledore, find out what…find out if there's some way, some form of protection he hasn't told us about."

"Okay,"  Lily said, feeling her heart clench as Harry attempted to pull himself into a standing position, using Sirius' legs for leverage. 

None of them wanted to discuss it any further – it had been a long, awful day – and James made dinner for them.  It wasn't easy to keep conversation going – Gideon and Fabian were still on her mind – but Harry's antics, spilling water on the floor and mashing potato into his hair, were enough to keep them reasonably amused till he had to go to bed.

Lily brought him up, his chunky little body comfortably solid in her arms.  Humming a tune to herself, she tucked him into the bed in her and James' room – it was safer to keep him with them – and kissed his forehead.  "Goodnight, love."

Harry blinked at her, and took a lock of her hair in one chubby fist, " 'Ni…Mum" he said.

Lily gasped, and stared at him, trying to be certain she had really heard it.  Suddenly she found tears running down her cheeks, though she was trying to smile, and after kissing him again she had to go wash her face.

Bending her head over the bathroom sink she found herself crying harder, and trying desperately to stop.  "Mum, I'm his _mum_ , I've got to…"  She was sobbing hard, all her thoughts focused on that frail body in the next room, that boy who needed her to be _alive_ , more than anything.  "I've got to protect him, I've got to, I've got to…"

It took her several minutes to regain her composure.  Lily couldn't blame herself for being frightened, being terrified of what the future could bring, but she _couldn't_ fall apart, not now.  Harry needed her.

So, she washed her face, scrubbed it hard with a cloth and strong soap, and dried it with a rough towel, so that her skin was pink and glowing by the time she was done.  She nodded sharply at Lily-in-the-mirror, and went back down stairs.

Just outside the door of the kitchen she heard James say, "And Sirius…if anything happens to me, you'll…take care of them."

Slamming the door open, Lily stared at him.  "Don't you dare."

"What?"  Sirius said, bewildered as to why she was addressing him.

"Don't you dare say yes to him – you know what it means – and don't you dare think it, James, not once, not even once."

"Think what, Lily?" James said, doing a very admirable job of sounding calm.

"Think that you can…that if something happened you could just…sacrifice yourself, like it wouldn't matter.  Like I wouldn't need you, and Harry wouldn't?  So don't dare, because…I'm telling you now, James, I don't want _anyone_ except you, 'taking care of me' – that's your job."

Lily might even have burst into tears at this point, might have hit him, for giving in, when she was so scared she might do the same, but then, in time-honoured manner, something happened. 

Naturally, since they'd been living in a horrible house, in horrible East Anglia, they'd used every Defensive Charm they knew, every alarm and ward that was in the books.  So when a siren rang out, they knew someone, some unauthorised person, had tried to Apparate into the house.  They hadn't got in, but it would only be a matter of time. 

James and Sirius started, and a moment later, James said, "Lily, Godric's Hollow.  We'll stay down here, fight them off until we know you've gone."

She nodded, and raced to Harry's bedroom, taking the stairs two at a time – there was no time for any further discussion.  Thinking quickly, she activated the charm she'd put on their trunks, so that they would pack themselves, and picked Harry up out of his cot, taking care to take his special blanket with him.  Sirius and Peter would come back for their trunks the next morning, but Harry had to have his blanket.

The moment she had Harry in her arms, she flicked her wand.  To Godric's Hollow then, they were to go.


	21. Eternity in an Hour

#### 21:Eternity in an Hour

 

James looked away from Sirius, his jaw clenched in what might have been anger.  “I think we should tell Dumbledore,” he said.

Lily put her hand on his, hating the expression on his face.  “Sirius is right,” she said. “If we told Dumbledore…other people would _have_ to be told.  The reason the Order works is that vital information is always shared, even if only with a few people.  There’s no way a plan like this could be kept quiet – and it _has_ to be kept quiet, James, you know that.”

He scowled at her.  “So you’re agreeing to this, are you?”  Lily lowered her eyes, hating that she had no good choice to offer him.  James tuned back to Sirius, his eyes blazing.  “You could die.  Do you realise that?  You could die and…”

Sirius nodded.  “If that’s what it takes,” he said.

James swore.  “For what?  To ‘prove’ that Remus is the spy, is that it?  You’d throw your life away for something as small as that?”

“Not small,” Sirius said, glowering at James.  “It’s your life, and Harry’s life, and Lily’s life, and if you think that’s a small thing…”

James stood up sharply, looking as if he wanted to hit Sirius, but he only went outside.  A moment later Lily heard him taking off on his broom.  She sighed and said, “Well, that went well.”

Sirius ground his fist into the kitchen table.  “Why can’t he see…it’s the best option, Lily, he knows that.”

“Yes,” she said, “he does.  And he’ll do it.  There’s no other choice.  But you can’t expect him to be all right with it – to be happy about it.”

“Why,” Sirius said petulantly, “when it’s bleeding obvious that –”

Lily interrupted him.  “Because it’s you.  Because if you’re right, then there’s a fairly good chance that you’ll die, Sirius, and die horribly.  And if you think either of us…if you think we could just accept that and move on, well…then you need your head examined.”

She stood up and walked to the window, staring fixedly at the trees outside.  It was so much easier when she could be angry.

A moment later she heard the clatter of Sirius’ chair moving, and then he put a hand on her shoulder.  Still not looking at him, she said, “I hate…losing people like this.  All the time.”

Turning her head, Lily just about managed to smile at him.  Sirius chucked her under the chin and said with a smile, “It’s the least I can do for Harry.”

Tears pricked Lily’s eyes and, hating the begging tone of her voice, she said, “Will you at least…try to be careful?”

Sirius said nothing, and indeed he didn’t have to – they both knew he wouldn’t.  Wiping her eyes, Lily laughed and said, “You could lie to me at least.”

Giving in to the impulse, she hugged him, stretching up to wrap her arms around his neck.  “I love you,” she said. “So please…don’t do anything…unnecessary.”

Sirius said nothing, but he hugged her back, and they stood together for several minutes, clinging to each other for comfort.  Lily bit her lip – scant months ago she had celebrated her twenty-first birthday and yet here she was, choosing between her own death and the death of a friend.  This war had made them all ugly.

They separated eventually, and Lily kissed Sirius’ cheek, trying to tell him what, surely, he already knew.  Sighing, she wiped her face.  “Do I look like I’ve been crying?”

Sirius shook his head.  “You look fine.”

“Right,” she said.  “Good.  I’ll talk to James.  Will you and Peter come tonight – no point in putting it off any longer?”

He nodded, and Lily continued, “And…if we don’t get to say, could you tell Peter how grateful we are?  It’s a huge risk and…”

“I know, Lily,” Sirius said.  “He understands.  You know what Peter’s like…he’d do it in a heartbeat.  Besides,” he added dryly, “about time he did something useful.”

Lily laughed despite herself and Sirius grinned, glad to have got a smile out of her.  He left a few minutes later, and, bracing herself for the storm ahead, Lily went to look for James.  He wasn’t exactly hard to find – Godric’s Hollow was a tiny village, and they were the only wizards, so it was safe to assume that the man hovering at the top of the nearest tree was James.  Surprisingly, she didn’t have to beg and plead with him to come down – he landed beside her in an instant, his hair dishevelled and his fingers blue with cold.  He looked disgruntled, and said, “Are you here to convince me?”

Lily nodded.  “Yes.”  She added a moment later, “Sirius and Peter are coming this evening, so…”

He shoved a hand through his hair, reducing it to complete chaos.  “What if we’re wrong, Lily – if Remus is innocent?”

“If we’re wrong – then nobody gets hurt,” she said, trying to believe her own words.

James shook his head.  “He’s my best friend.”

Lily put a hand on his cheek, and said fervently, “I _understand_.”

James kissed her palm, and said, his expression pensive, “Well…you would, wouldn’t you.” 

He hugged her.  Lily enjoyed his arms for one simple, beautiful moment – feeling the warmth of him, and the October wind – and then said, “We should go back inside – Harry’ll be up from his nap soon.”

James put an arm around her shoulders as they walked back to the house.  “Was Sirius angry?”

Lily shook her head.  “He’ll forgive you – besides, I can handle him.”

James laughed, and placed a gentle kiss on her temple.  Looking at her seriously, he said, “Are you sure you can do the Charm?   I know you’re brilliant, but…I’ve heard of very nasty things happening when it goes wrong.”

Lily faced him and said, “I know how it looks –“

“Terrifying,” James interjected.

“Fine…terrifying, but the main thing is…not to be intimidated by it.  I read the book Dumbledore gave me three times, and…as long I concentrate, don’t get distracted, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re sure?” James said.  “If anything happened to you…”

“I’m positive,” Lily said, looking him dead in the eye.  “I can do this, James.”

“Okay,” James said. “Well, I think it’s time we introduced Harry to the Golden Snitch, don’t you?”

Arguing mildly, as they tended to do when James suggested combining Quidditch and their son, they made their way back into the house, and played with Harry, watching him take careful, slow steps between them until Sirius and Peter came.

*          *          *

Lily performed the Fidelius Charm perfectly, and the next few days were spent in a kind of nervous tension, waiting to see if Remus had betrayed them.  Apparently he had not, for Sirius was not attacked and indeed said that there had been no strange activity of any kind, and so Lily resigned herself to waiting.  Having taken decisive action, the next move now lay with Voldemort. 

Halloween morning was bright and crisp, and Lily and James took Harry out to play in the back garden.  At first he seemed baffled by the autumn leaves, so brittle and brightly coloured, but he was soon methodically stamping on them, enjoying the noise they made when crushed.  James conjured piles of leaves for him to play with, and at one point, scaring them both, Harry dived headlong into a pile that was only a foot deep.

Lily danced with him, swinging him from one hip to the other, and dipping him so that it seemed his head might touch the ground.  By the time she was finished her arms were sore and Harry was giddy with laughter.

Later they made Jack O’ Lanterns, the Muggle way– James swearing as he attempted to draw a face on the pumpkin.  Knowing James would take some time, Lily let Harry play with the innards of the pumpkin.  It was a messy business, but it kept him entertained, and she had to laugh when she saw that his hands had been dyed orange by the pulp and that the seeds had stuck to his hair and on his cheeks. 

The last thing they did before putting him to bed was light the lantern, and Lily saw his eyes go wide as he tried to fathom where the light was coming from.  He stretched one chubby hand out to touch it and, taking pity on him, Lily decided to leave one of the Jack O’ Lanterns by his cot.  

James carried him upstairs and tucked him in, demanding a “Kiss for Dad” on the way.  Harry, who by now was very sleepy, went down happily but not before Lily picked him up and cuddled him for a moment or two.  He stuck his fingers in her mouth and tried to pull her hair, but Lily kissed him anyway, loving the feeling of his stubby arms around her neck.

Once he was down, and showing every sign of sleep, they went out into the hallway.  Leaning against James, Lily said, “He’s a beautiful boy, isn’t he?”

He nodded, stroking her arm gently with one hand.  “Just like his mother.”

She shook her head, laughing.  “You know perfectly well he looks more like you.”

“Yeah, well…” James said, crinkling his face hilariously.

“I think Harry needs a sister,” Lily said, craning her neck to see James’ face.  “A sister to boss him around and teach him what’s what.”

“A sister,” James said thoughtfully.  “A sister.  Well…I think we can arrange that.”  Lily laughed, but she kissed him nonetheless, and convinced him to take her to bed.

It was almost an hour later when they went back downstairs to finish off the bottle of white wine James had bought and to have dessert.  They were making peaceful, idle chat when they heard the front door open with a crash.

James was on his feet in an instant, and he looked at Lily piercingly as they heard footsteps coming down the corridor.  The only way upstairs – the only way to Harry – was through the kitchen.  Lily scarcely had time to draw breath before James had hauled her to her feet and was pushing her away from the kitchen door.  His voice was panicked as he said, “Lily, take Harry and go!  It’s him!”

She screwed up her face to argue, and James interrupted her.  “Go!  Run!  I’ll hold him off –”

He kissed her quickly, fiercely – almost missing her lips – and then pushed her, hard, towards the stairs.  Lily half saw him turn to face the kitchen door as it opened, and then she was stumbling up the stairs, bruising her knees as she fell with tears streaming down her face while someone laughed.  She was almost at the top of the staircase when she saw the flash of green light in the kitchen.

That was it.

James was dead.  She’d seen it in his face.  He’d known what she knew – that there was no way to win this fight, and so…

He was dead.

Lily gave a great sob, a sob that almost seemed to rip out her innards, even as she hurried on to Harry.  She felt as though her heart had torn itself in half inside her body.  James…James…James was dead – gone – dead, and…

They’d been betrayed.  Somehow, she knew that they’d made a horrible mistake and Peter…Peter, for whatever reason – torture or threats against those he loved – had betrayed them.  And James had paid for that mistake with his life.

Harry would never have a father again.

Indeed, as Lily realised by the time she reached the bedroom, there was a strong chance that Harry would never get to live at all.  Voldemort was between them and the Floo and though she knew the house better than he did there was still only one way down, and the spells she and James – _James_ – had laid down meant that she couldn’t Apparate.

For one single moment she looked at Harry in his cot, bent to kiss his forehead and then turned to face the door.  She’d lost her parents, she’d lost Marlene and Dorcas, and now…she’d lost James…she couldn’t lose Harry.  Not now.  Not _ever_. 

Tears streamed down her face as she lifted her wand, waiting for the door to open.  The last thing she’d expected was for Voldemort to disarm rather than kill her as he entered the room, but her wand flew out of her wand before the door had even opened an inch.

She was going to die.

Lily swallowed, fighting to maintain some composure at that thought as Voldemort came into the room, twirling James’ wand between the fingers of his left hand.  His face was a wreck; a ruin of what had once been a human being.  As he extended his own wand to threaten her, for some reason Lily remembered something Dumbledore had once said: “love adheres to the material, to the body and the blood and the skin and the gut…we are marked by our acceptance of that love, and it is in our acts of love that we can find the most perfect union between power and being.  The oldest, deepest magic takes as its cause this single, basic principle – love adheres.”

Voldemort smiled at her cruelly and said, “Do you want to live?”

Backing towards Harry’s cot, Lily ignored his question and said desperately, “Not Harry.”  He laughed.

“Not Harry.  Please…not Harry.”

She couldn’t – _couldn’t_ lose Harry, couldn’t think of a world without him in it.  Harry had to live, had to grow tall and play Quidditch and…because James, _James_ , couldn’t.  James was already gone, and if it was the last thing she did, Lily would make sure that Harry wouldn’t follow him.

Voldemort sneered at her.  “Stand aside you _silly_ girl.”

Lily lifted her chin defiantly, angering him, and jabbing his wand at her he said, “Stand aside now.”

As Voldemort started to walk closer to her she begged him, calling out to the one, tiny part of him that might still be human, that might still have something resembling pity.  “Not Harry, please…no…”  
  


Lily fell to her knees before him and tugged and pulled on his robes.  “Take me, kill me instead,” she said, still recalling Dumbledore’s words. 

Love adheres.

If it was possible – if she could save him…but it didn’t matter.  Even if she was wrong – even if there was no saving Harry, as there’d been no saving James, Lily’s last choice left, her last act of will on this earth, would be to cling to that final, forlorn hope that…maybe…

“Not Harry!” she said, shouting now, determined to keep Voldemort from her boy, her little monster, her beautiful boy.  Voldemort would _not_ hurt him. 

She saw disgust, and annoyance, and anger cross over his face as she continued.  “Please.  Have mercy…have mercy…”

Voldemort backhanded Lily so fiercely she fell back against Harry’s cot, her impact shaking it so that he woke, and cried.  More than anything, she wanted to take him in her arms, to protect him, but…there was no time for that.  No time at all.

Lily saw decision dawning in Voldemort’s eyes, and she steeled herself for what was to come, hoping, praying, that if nothing else, she could save Harry – or be waiting for him.

Voldemort lifted his arm, and Lily bit her lip, a sudden, unreasoning terror holding her in its grip for a moment.

Would it hurt?

She shook her head, her mind made up, no matter what the consequences might be.  “Have mercy,” she said, one last time. 

Her words were fruitless, and Voldemort opened his mouth to say the words.

Love adheres.  Love would adhere to James, to Harry… _Harry_ …her Harry…

“ _Avada Kedavra_.”

-END-

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this is the final chapter, I want to thank all my reviewers (who have been wonderful) and my beta, Trelawney2213, who helped this story on its way.
> 
> Credit for dialogue at the end of the chapter goes to JK Rowling (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.)  The chapter title comes from William Blake’s long poem, Auguries of Innocence. 
> 
> To see a world in a grain of sand,  
> And a heaven in a wild flower,  
> Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,  
> And eternity in an hour.  
> A robin redbreast in a cage  
> Puts all heaven in a rage.  
> A dove-house fill'd with doves and pigeons  
> Shudders hell thro' all its regions.  
> A dog starv'd at his master's gate  
> Predicts the ruin of the state.  
> A horse misused upon the road  
> Calls to heaven for human blood.  
> Each outcry of the hunted hare  
> A fibre from the brain does tear.  
> A skylark wounded in the wing,  
> A cherubim does cease to sing.  
> The game-cock clipt and arm'd for fight  
> Does the rising sun affright.  
> Every wolf's and lion's howl  
> Raises from hell a human soul…


End file.
